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NEILL CUMPSTON IS THE FIRST PERSON ON THE PLANET TO REVIEW MATRIX RELOADED!! HOLD ONTO YOUR SACK!!

Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.

It is an honor and a privilege to present the first review anywhere for THE MATRIX RELOADED, a pleasure that is compounded only by the karmically-perfect concept that it is none other than Neill Cumpston who has seen it first.

For those of you not familiar with the Noel Coward-like urbane wit of Mr. Cumpston, you should read his BLADE 2 or X-MEN 2 reviews.

And buckle up. This is a pretty wild ride.

MATRIX: KINGDOM OF ASS-KICKING

Jim-Jammity Jesus Krispy Kreme Christ on a twat-rocket, this movie blew me apart and put me back together only after I’d got put back I felt like I had thirteen dicks and they’d all gotten blown by a surfer chick with 26 heads (2 mouths on each cock). I will see it ten times and if I see Star Wars George or that gay Batman director butt-hole any time during the ten screenings here comes Mr. Punch.

This is the sequel to the MATRIX Movie that came out four years ago and after seeing it I can say I could have waited another four years it is that fucking good. This movie is a pillowcase with soda cans inside that beats the living mule-fuck out of you but you’re all like, “Bring it on honky tonk” because the beating feels like summer and Halloween and Cheetos at the same time. This movie is Mad Max’s shotgun-gun from ROAD WARRIOR, only it shoots ass-kicking only at jocks. This movie is tits!

WARNING: THIS PARAGRAPH IS ABOUT THE PLOT AND IT’S BORING AND THERE’S NO ASS-KICKING IN IT BUT I USE THE WORD “FUCK” THREE TIMES TO HELP GET THROUGH IT

I still don’t get the plot of the first one, and this one’s all talking about “choices” (over and over again to where you think you’re watching that fucking Chicktime network) and “prophecies” and especially words like “anomaly” and “exile” (and who the fuck even knows what those words mean?) and there’s this long speech at the end that I also didn’t get. Also, you find out all this deep stuff, like about The Cookie Lady from the first movie and they introduce all these other characters like a Key Guy and a Frenchie Dude and another Frenchie but guess what it’s okay ‘cuz the other Frenchie’s a chick and she’s got cleavage you could hide a rump roast in and also this ex-girlfriend of Murphus and there’s this new guy on the ship flying it around, I think he’s from OZ (don’t worry, no butt rape). And Neo and Memento Babe are all PDA every second, and they also “do it” and one time I thought I saw Memento Babe’s nip but it was one of those metal ring things that everyone’s got on ‘em so no jacking off when the DVD comes out.

NOW ALL ASS-KICKING UNTIL THE END

So that’s the plot but here’s the thing: you could wear headphones and listen to Dio during this whole movie and you wouldn’t miss anything, there’s so much ass-kicking going on. That Smith Dude is back, only now he can make more Smith Dudes and do they each know how to kick ass? Like a Heroclix collector knows how to not get pussy. Plus he’s got this other ability that’s really fucking scary and I think it might have something to do with the next movie.

ASS-KICKING #1: Neo fights those Blues Brothers-looking dudes and it’s pretty fucking cool. But it’s just a teaser, like when they have pictures of the food at Jack in the Box, and the tacos look all good in the picture, but then you get some and they look like they got pooped out of a pig. But you eat ‘em because there’s fries coming. In this movie there’s ALWAYS fries coming. 6.

HEADS UP: There’s a lot of boring stuff between Ass-Kicking 1 and 2. There’s a sermon by the dude who was in OMEGA MAN, and this underground dance thing that looks like if Pottery Barn had a rave on the Planet of the Gay Apes – but the rave thing is where Neo and Memento Babe “do it”. I am bringing my headphones when I see this again on the 15th.

ASS-KICKING #2: Neo and a Kung Fu Phooey go at it in a picnic restaurant. They kick over a big thing of chopsticks, which is kind of cool, and Kung Fu Phooey wears these cool little sunglasses, but that’s it. 5. And then Neo and Cookie Lady talk. Then chiggity-check your rectum ‘cuz here comes:

ASS-KICKING #2: This fight on a playground where like a hundred Smith Dudes are whomping on Neo like a fat girl eating Fiddle Faddle – it’s that intense. Holy shit. The thing goes on for like five minutes and just when you’re thinking, “Fuck you Star Wars George” it goes on for another five minutes and then Neo flies away like that Greatest American Hero dude. 10.

ASS-KICKING #3: Neo, Murphus and Memento Babe go to a French restaurant in the Matrix and there’s this French dick and you’re thinking, “Fuck you for not supporting us against Egypt”, and then Neo goes whomp-ass happy on the dude’s cohorts while Murphus and Trinity free this Key Dude and fight these Edgar Winter guys with dreadlocks who can turn into ghosts. 8.

HERE’S WHERE I WISH THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE ONLY HAD THE WORDS “HOLY” “FUCKING” AND “SHIT”

ASS-KICKING #4 – 28: That’s right, this next scene feels like 24 ass-kickings. Seriously, the rest of the summer is going to suck busboy cock for ketchup packets compared to this scene.

HOLY

Murphus and Memento Babe have to escape on a huge freeway (which is a no-no in the Matrix; “It’s suicide!” says Memento Babe, or something like that I can’t remember for sure) while the Ghost Guys chase them, plus the Smiths, who keep taking over the drivers on the freeway and they’re shooting and everything’s blowing up for miles and

FUCKING

Memento Babe has to go against the traffic on a fucking motorcycle and they keep trying to smash her and Murphus takes out the Ghost Guys in this totally cool way and the fucking samurai sword and the head-on crash and

!!!SHIT!!!

the fucking Blues Brothers guys and razors and swordfight on top of a truck and Memento Babe flying through the air and out of nowhere Neo and I am out!!of!!cum!! 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10

And there’s a whole other ass-kicking after this, which I can barely remember because, seriously, that fucking chase scene. It’s now #2 on my list of all-time chases, ahead of ARK RAIDERS, where Blade Runner gets dragged behind the Nazi truck (#5), and then DYING IN LOS ANGELES, where CSI is driving the car against the traffic (#4) and then TAXI RONIN, where Taxi Driver guy goes the wrong way down that French tunnel, and also because they keep running over French people (#3), and now MATRIX, right behind BANDIT AND THE FAT GAY GUY 2, where all the police cars and all the trucks play chicken out in the desert (#1).

Neo needs to fight Blade and that fat bald guy from STIR CRAZY.

Then Murphus and Neo and Memento Babe try to raid some sort of central something, like the CPU in TRON, something like that. Smith Dude re-appears, Neo has a talk with a new character, someone dies and someone’s reborn. Then something gets destroyed (good), something else gets destroyed (bad), and Neo discovers a new power. Then something BIG gets destroyed (really really bad), and someone lives who shouldn’t.

MY HINT: Stay through the credits and you get to see a trailer for MATRIX: YOU WILL SHIT, the third movie.

That’s it. Best movie of the year. I still want to see HULK-MAN and the werewolf thing and I think there’s something where you get to see a hot Asian’s boobs, but they’re not going to get close to this one. Here’s my blurb if they’re putting blurbs in ads:

“MATRIX: KINGDOM OF ASS-KICKING is like if all of Anthrax’s albums formed into a hot chick who had to fuck you ten times a day or she gets pee-cancer.”

Neill Cumpston

5/1/03

Was that the sound of the collective Geek nation sharing one big Happy Ending? It’s a sound I bet I hear again on the 15th of this month.

Thanks, Neill. Rest assured... Harry will never call you a pussy again.

"Moriarty" out.





Readers Talkback
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  • May 1, 2003, 2:52 a.m. CST

    this can't be real...

    by TheMatarife

    No way.

  • May 1, 2003, 2:52 a.m. CST

    First

    by Waspo

    Ha, ha, anyway, this movie is going to rock. Go see it, multiple times.

  • May 1, 2003, 2:53 a.m. CST

    Not First

    by Waspo

    I'm not first... That's okay, the movie is still going to rock.

  • May 1, 2003, 2:53 a.m. CST

    I have never been the first, but how I am...

    by Alan Felix

    Oh boy.

  • May 1, 2003, 2:53 a.m. CST

    This Movie Will FUCK X2's shit UP

    by HotSmurfChowder

    BTW, how long is the car chase sequence?

  • May 1, 2003, 2:58 a.m. CST

    So You Liked The Movie?

    by Bald Evil

    That was a good review. :) I can't wait to see this movie, and I hope Neil isn't sitting behind me during it.

  • May 1, 2003, 2:58 a.m. CST

    What the hell??

    by Alan Felix

    I know AICN has loyal reviewers....and that's great if they get the good scoops. But, aside from Harry's review of Blade 2, that is the most incomprehesible crap I have ever TRIED to read. Sorry, Moriarty. I know you can do better, as I am a loyal reader. But what the hell is that??

  • May 1, 2003, 3:01 a.m. CST

    Yay.

    by Cowface

    Excellent, excellent. Movie is looking good. Also, great review Neil. One thing is tearing me apart and smearing my guts on a banana split, though. Why does Jada-Pinkett Smith look like a man...?

  • May 1, 2003, 3:03 a.m. CST

    What the hell was that???

    by smiddyboy

    WORST REVIEW EVER. A monkey bashing at a keyboard could make more sense than that.

  • May 1, 2003, 3:04 a.m. CST

    I don't trust studios that...

    by iihito

    I don't trust studios that choose retards (or retard-facsimiles) to be the first to review their movies.

  • Yes. It is true. Neill saw the movie at a screening that has taken place. Moriarty and I confirmed the screening's existence, we had others that saw it, but they wouldn't come forward. Neill Cumpston was going to be a chickenshit pussy till I called him a pussy and told him he was a raisin of a geek if he didn't fucking throw down, THE BOY THREW DOWN. What type of review is that? That's the review of a man that loved the film with every ounce of his geek body. I think it is fairly obvious that he's trying to give you the visceral thrill of what it is like to be hit by a semi load of heroin just in your eyes. At least that's how I'm interpretating it. But he's got to be full of shit... No way this touches X2. No Way. X2 has Nightcrawler. Nightcrawler owns the planet.

  • May 1, 2003, 3:08 a.m. CST

    X-Men is going to be closer than you think.

    by sparticusmaximus

    This review reinforces the weakness of THE MATRIX: Style and kick ass action sacrificing SUBSTANCE. For fucks sake, the reviewer almost dozed off between action set-pieces. Not a good sign.

  • May 1, 2003, 3:08 a.m. CST

    What the...?

    by Christopher_atUC

    I'm looking forward to this movie, of course. But this is the worst review I have ever read. This guy can't write more than one sentence without using some lame and screwed-up analogy that doesn't tell me anything. I get the idea that he liked the movie, but I understood that after the first crazy paragraph. I would have rather had a serious review of the film, about it's true coolness, groundbreaking effects or entertaining story, instead of a rambling gush of funky, uninformative analogies. He uses the "like" comparison about 15 times in this single review. All I know about the movie now, aside from what I've seen in the trailers, is that this guy really liked it. But I'm not overwhelmed with confidence knowing that this guy liked the movie.

  • May 1, 2003, 3:10 a.m. CST

    worlds best review

    by tsnbrody1

    If the movie is half as good as the review, I will shit.

  • May 1, 2003, 3:11 a.m. CST

    Yes, for a mess of review that was, god damn it was funny

    by The Yodeler

    Something about reading this insane review after spending the last straight 10 hours studying for finals just made me burst out laughing. Seriously, how could you not? The guy is way to over excited, and I think he missed his Ritalin. But god dammit, I am insanely jealous that he got to watch the movie before any of us. And you all are too!

  • May 1, 2003, 3:11 a.m. CST

    of all the people who had to see 'reloaded' first, why'd it have

    by tommy5tone

    jesus christ! this cumdumpster guy is a third-rate knockoff of joe hallenbeck, and every part of his piss-poor review made me want to PUKE BLOOD (TM bill hicks)!!! you guys better hurry up and provide harry and mori's takes on 'reloaded' so i can wash the feces flavour of this lame diatribe from my mouth. all that aside, this movie does look and sound way fucking cool.

  • May 1, 2003, 3:14 a.m. CST

    Three Words

    by LastDragon

    Greatest. Review. Ever.

  • May 1, 2003, 3:14 a.m. CST

    Great. Now can we have a *coherent* review, please?

    by Noriko Takaya

    Just askin'.

  • May 1, 2003, 3:16 a.m. CST

    i read just the beginning but...

    by TenDeuChen

    I can't wait to see the trailer for revoloutions...ie...MATRIX: YOU WILL SHIT lol!!! X2 tomorrow!!!

  • Am I the only one that sees the pattern of Harry here. First he complains last week that he doesn't understand why he gets no invites to the Cannes Reloaded premiere on May 14th. Then all of a sudden the Wachowskis are cocky arrogant fucks." Frankly at some levels I'm a little on the edge of getting tired of CG kung fu." What the hell has that to do with the Matrix as a whole. If everyone decides to cash in on the Matrix CG or Kung Fu blame the shitty films. Just think about this one second. On a $65 million budget the brothers changed the way films are viewed and brought life back to the aging science fiction market. CG and Kung Fu were used as bait to lure you into the seats while they integrated philosophical and religous themes to try to better the viewers views on life. Now with the budget doubled and free creative freedom to let them compose whatever is in those heads how can they fail. Sure they could have gotten cocky and fucking dropped the ball but thats doubtful. How often were they bragging on TV or in mags about how they changed the movie experience? None they told the press to fuck off and were planning the sequels quitely. Please do not use your personal issues to create conflict with 2 movies who probably have very different themes and target audiences.

  • May 1, 2003, 3:17 a.m. CST

    This review kicked ass

    by Silvio Dante

    No it didn't. While nice attempt at humour, it's just spoiler-filled cataloque of fight scenes. Informative on the surface level only. Yes, we will all see this stuff in the theatre so why would we want to read it beforehand? Harry tried this approach with the pussyeating routine in his infamous Blade II article. This review was scoop equivalent to talkback FIRST! posters. And criticising movie reviews is kinda for wankers too, so I stop now.

  • May 1, 2003, 3:18 a.m. CST

    Neill is the sexiest tomboy beanpole on the planet!

    by RobTheIdiot

    Yeah, I had to say it. The movie looks really good and I laughed out loud on this review. Way to go, Neill! I have a hard time thinking that X2 will beat Matrix on the coolness geek spectrometer doohicky. Oh, and by the way, blah, blah, blah, I'm first, Harry's fat, and LOTR is better than Star Wars. Just pick your everyday motto and go with it...

  • nt

  • May 1, 2003, 3:28 a.m. CST

    Worst review ever

    by neo1000

    This guy is the worst reviewer on the fucken planet. I've wasted 10 minutes of my fucken life reading this shit. Dam you NEILL CUMPSTON --- you fucken prick.

  • May 1, 2003, 3:32 a.m. CST

    I stopped reading after the first 2 paragraphs...

    by IFartOnYourGrave

    Harry... I'm not asking for Hemingway but Jesus the last thing I want to read is a review that sounds like a 15 year old wrote it. You've got more class than that...

  • May 1, 2003, 3:37 a.m. CST

    so...

    by Daenerys

    i'm assuming that all this shit means it's gonna be a good movie. and i'm assuming all this ass-kicking is gonna look good on IMAX. it damn well better. fuck regular theatres. fuck may 15. i'm waiting to see this movie the only way. over the top in over the top. uh...neill REALLY liked it right? i didn't miss anything?

  • May 1, 2003, 3:38 a.m. CST

    I can read spoilers and make up a review like that

    by Lightwave7871

    only my review wouldn't use the word fuck, would make sense and wouldnt be a lie.... I mean for crying out loud, I glazed over after the third paragraph.... this could quite possibly be the most dull read in existance after Lord of the rings.

  • May 1, 2003, 3:41 a.m. CST

    Get thee, Neill Cumpston, to a writing class.

    by Dr. Eddie Jessup

    Coherence is a real biggie to strive for next time out, my son. Ah well, I'm sure they'll cover the concept with you next year in 10th grade. HARRY: Is it too much to ask for writers that can turn in something that's <b><i>not</b></i> infantile, emotionally stunted dreck??? Oooops. forgot who penned the "Blade II" review. ehe...

  • May 1, 2003, 3:42 a.m. CST

    Holy...Fucking...Shit etc. - Don't slag the review.

    by Henry's Cat

    The kid is enthusiastic for pete's sakes, won't you be writing and feeling something similar when you go and see it? I have to say I loved the idea of Neo kicking Jake and Elwood, it did give a new perspective to what's been on the trailers. Can't wait!

  • May 1, 2003, 3:48 a.m. CST

    Best Review EVER

    by Terry Cloth-Robe

    I regrettably agree with Harry & Moriarty, two of the biggest twats in the world, this review friggin ROCKS. He totally captured the quantum essence of the pure movie-going experience. As an avid filmgoer and active filmmaker, I personally hate the routine spoilers, the piddly-ass, blow-by-blow retelling of plot, the hackneyed armchair quarterbacking, the quasi-filmschool character psychoanalysis... FUCK ALL THAT. Gimme the juice you goddamn PUSSIES! And this Neil guy did just that... and made me cry with laughter to boot. All y'all that wanna hate on a guy who just gave u the best & most entertaining review of a movie, just go ahead and SHUT THE FUCK UP. You're that special kind of dork that would rather have your best buddy describe what it was like sloppy-fucking your girlfriend, rather than doing the deed yourself. And he writes better than most of u too. HAHAHAHA!!!!

  • May 1, 2003, 3:55 a.m. CST

    Murphus? It's Morpheus you stupid piece of shit.

    by Regis Travolta

    Murphus sounds like some idiotic cartoon dimwit goofball oh wait a minute that describes Neill Cumstain to a T doesn't it? My bad.

  • May 1, 2003, 3:59 a.m. CST

    is this a review or an advertisement for ritalin... or is it jus

    by BEARison Ford

    probably all three. ugh.

  • May 1, 2003, 4 a.m. CST

    virgin

    by claydon

    I have never used one of these talk back things, I have never felt the need. However I do think that this is one of the worst reviews I have ever read. Aint it cool news is usually 'the site' for the latest news and comment, therefore it came as quite a surprise to see such nonsense posted on your normally excellent site. This review reads like the ramblings of a drunk teenager rather than comment from someone who has any knowledge or pasion for film and film making, which I am sure the reviewer has. Still... looking foward to seeing the film anyway.

  • May 1, 2003, 4:09 a.m. CST

    fuckin spot on

    by imageburn13

    good review neil cumdumpster

  • May 1, 2003, 4:17 a.m. CST

    The death of coherence

    by newkie brown

    Can Ain't It Cool please, please start editing 'reviews' like this, and can Mr. Cumpston please, please start taking Lithium?

  • May 1, 2003, 4:19 a.m. CST

    HE STILL LISTENS TO DIO!?!?!

    by ToxicEnema

    I couldn't read the review after these words were read. Its less embarrassing to still listen to Warrant.

  • May 1, 2003, 4:25 a.m. CST

    That review was hillarious

    by pogo on my own

    I swear Neils reviews may be incoherent at times, and childish all the time. He is damn funny, and if you stuffed shirts cant appreciate this review then I feel for ya. Loosen up, it seems like everyone that reviews a movie here is either labled a Plant or an Idiot.

  • May 1, 2003, 4:35 a.m. CST

    LOTR and MR Jackson

    by Teej

    ok after reading this i have just realised something! all of the awards next year are gonna be bloody close! i mean consider the films out, X2, HULK, Both Matrix's, and the 3rd lord of the rings! man my hope of MR Jackson getting what he deserves (an oscar maybe) are getting deminished! don't get me wrong i am gonna love the matrix i loved the first one, but i really hope LOTR rocks, if only so it can get some worthwhile awards next year! But still everyfilm is gonna rock, and i so can't wait for the the next 3 months+! it is gonna be a hell of a ride! TJ out

  • May 1, 2003, 4:49 a.m. CST

    A useless and incoherent review.

    by FrankDrebin

    1% information, 99% hyperbole. I'm not even certain he saw the movie. Is this guy trying to imitate Jamie Kennedy?

  • May 1, 2003, 4:50 a.m. CST

    re neil cumpsters 'stoopid' review.

    by hiscore

    two words, irony.

  • May 1, 2003, 4:53 a.m. CST

    holy?

    by ChickenGeorgeVII

    HOLY FUCKING FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY WIZZ WIZZ JESUS IN A TORTILLA LANG BANG BOOM! THIS WAS THE ONION SOUP MIX BURGERS OF REVIEWS! LOTS OF POWDER....(very little meat)...did he see it or see the HBO special on the "Making of"?.....And thus, I have spoken! - - - George, The 7th Chicken!!!!

  • May 1, 2003, 5:04 a.m. CST

    I declare national kill a straight geek day!

    by defragmentor

    Hey, I'm just following God's plan.

  • May 1, 2003, 5:06 a.m. CST

    he doesn't get what the first movie was about?

    by rygel

    i never read a review as bad as this.what a jerk.he cannot remember names or even comprehen the story of the first matrix.Harry,you really shouldn't post every shit on your site. i'll wait for a real review of the movie.

  • May 1, 2003, 5:06 a.m. CST

    Rate My Poo

    by Rate My Poo

    www.ratemypoo.com

  • May 1, 2003, 5:06 a.m. CST

    ronnie james....

    by ChickenGeorgeVII

    ...dio. 'nuff said. NAH NAH NAH BAMP NAH NAH NAH NAH - SLAM BANP BANP BANP BANP BANP BANP BANP! SLEW WANK WANK SLANK WANK SLANK BAMP BAMP! "HOLY DEVIL TAKE CARE OF MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" BLAMP BAMP BAMP BLAMP BAMP BAMP BAMP! BOODLE SLAMP WAMP WAMP WAMP SLAMP SLAMP SLAMP SLAMP! "AND ALL THE DEVILS MINION'S WILL TAKE US TO THE PLACE WHERE WE ALL WILL GET TO ROCK AT OUR PACE!" SLAMP SLAMP SLAMP - BAMP BAMP BAMP BAMP! WALLA SLAMP SLAMP SLAMP! WAMP WAMP WAMP WAMP!...And thus, everyone on this side scream! - - - George, The 7th Chicken!!!!

  • May 1, 2003, 5:07 a.m. CST

    That guy writes like and ADD kid on speed

    by cheesus_ok?

    and I loved it! If I want to read wordy dissertations on movies, I'll read Ebert. BUT, when I need a good kick in the balls, I find Neil. Way to go man.

  • May 1, 2003, 5:08 a.m. CST

    Now Your Sucking Diesel Lads

    by Hachi-Dan

    even if we weren't talking about the matrix here, i can honestly say that i would pay to see any movie that wouild make a reviewer act like such a completly insane muppet. So lads give him a break, we should all be so lucky to enjoy a film that much.

  • May 1, 2003, 5:09 a.m. CST

    Thats the worst fucking review Ive ever read

    by DipStickTW

    Seriously, when did start hiring 13 year old virgins to do your reviews for you. Especially a review for a movie as big as the sequel to Matrix. God damn.

  • May 1, 2003, 5:10 a.m. CST

    I wonder...

    by cheesus_ok?

    Neil's writing style is very familiar. Go here http://realultimatepower.net/ and click on the [PumpUp] link. Am I right? Maybe we'll never know...

  • May 1, 2003, 5:21 a.m. CST

    without a doubt the best review I have ever read on this site.

    by Mr Brownstone

    this guy is some kind of mongoloid genius. like the bastard child of Charro and Hunter S. Thompson.

  • May 1, 2003, 5:22 a.m. CST

    What a dumb, fanboy prick.......

    by DukeTheBastard

    ....yeah right, you wish. This fuckhead reviewer hasn't even seen this movie, only pieced together info. This site goes down the drain every day, forever more....... Matrix has the worst fucking fans on this universe.

  • May 1, 2003, 5:23 a.m. CST

    hmm ok

    by vilkit

    this is the worst film review i've ever read. i'm sure the film will be great but the review was horrible sorry it just was.

  • May 1, 2003, 5:33 a.m. CST

    But that one line was classic.

    by Azlam Orlandu

    Hell I'm actually thinking about listening to Dio with headphones during the film. It's got to beat out that crap-ass-generic 90's wannabe-crow soundtrack attempt number 4 billion this year that the film is stuck with. Here I am in the house of professional critics and it saddens me that so many of you can't see the rip-off bullshit that the Matrix is throwing at you. Why do I even read these articles?

  • May 1, 2003, 5:38 a.m. CST

    Reload

    by Filmflipper20

    Loved the surferchick part... But what a moron...

  • May 1, 2003, 6:02 a.m. CST

    Worst. Review. Ever.

    by Swarmy

    Stupid.

  • May 1, 2003, 6:19 a.m. CST

    A Bold New Re-Imagining of A Movie Review Classic

    by AliceInWonderlnd

    Sorry, I laughed my ass off. I don't know if it is more or less funny if Neil Cumpston really is as much of a dumbass as is presented here. I suspect it's a put-on, but still, I was amused. I expect to be indulging in lots of heavy petting with The Matrix Reloaded before ROTK comes out. (Does happy little geeky dance).

  • May 1, 2003, 6:40 a.m. CST

    Hmmm

    by Bobness

    Gee, I think he's excited. I don't care how well the guy spells or writes...he's obviously impressed with the whole thing, and I think I will be to. X^2 today....bring it on ;)

  • May 1, 2003, 6:45 a.m. CST

    The is not one the first review of the Matrix Reloaded on the Pl

    by Rogue_Leader

    Boy Harry a little desperate to get a review of this movie aren't we? Apparently you decided to lower your standards to recieve this drek. What makes it even more pathetic is as disoriented as it is it is not much worse than some of your "reviews".

  • May 1, 2003, 6:55 a.m. CST

    kdashf

    by Daegor

    "CG and Kung Fu were used as bait to lure you into the seats while they integrated philosophical and religous themes to try to better the viewers views on life." You are joking right? The matrix was a good movie and all, but come on . All of the "philosophical and religious themes" are pretty much a superficial hodge-podge of eastern thought with a dash of messianic apocalypse thrown in for good measure. These movies do not exactly delve very deep into the material. Don't get me wrong, I like the first one, and will probably see this one. However, let's not paint the Wachowskis as Moses on the mountain, or Buddha at the Bodhi.

  • "To deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human, brother!"

  • May 1, 2003, 6:59 a.m. CST

    ER....KEANU REAVES......DERPEE DER!!!!!

    by Snake-eyes

    Er....Keanu Reeves......Derptee der!! Derpee Derpetee Derpee der, until one day, a Derp a Derp a Derpee Der!!! Derptee Der, Ta Tiddlee Tum! From the creators of Der, and Tum Ta Tiddlee Tum Ta Too, Keanu Reeves is...Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetlee Durpee Durpee Dumb! Rated PG-13! Yes, his review made as much sense as mine!

  • That... was beautiful. Holy fucking shit indeed.

  • May 1, 2003, 7:19 a.m. CST

    sad

    by cybertank

    It is so SAD that an idiot like this got to see the movie. I couldn't read the review past the first paragraph. Is this person twelve?

  • May 1, 2003, 7:21 a.m. CST

    No, Waspo. You're not first. But, on the up side, we all still t

    by Dog Of Mystery

    Goddamn...Is it just me, or has Mr. Cumpston outdone Harry in the unnecessary hyperbole department?

  • May 1, 2003, 7:25 a.m. CST

    Question?

    by SimplyBritish

    Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm? Does anyone know where the toilet is?

  • May 1, 2003, 7:41 a.m. CST

    this review......

    by BYOBkenobi

    ....sucked. I didn't even finish reading it. Harry, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU POSTING THESE DAYS? Just because this is supposedly the first internet scoop review of Reloaded, DOESN"T mean you have to post it. Now, if I had no previous knowledge of this film after seeing the first one, and my decision to see this movie was to be solely based on this review alone, I would probably pass. Whatever happened to a good review? Whatever happened to comprehensible reviews that delved into plot and acting and score, etc... This site has gone WAY down hill. I come here for spoilers and thats about it, being that Harry has relinquished creative writing control to readers who write more about movies with comparisons to sexual functions and food (Harry). I've been with this site BEFORE talkback, BEFORE this gay Harry animation, BEFORE this site was about ME, ME, ME, ME (Harry). The site has gone downhill man, admit it..........

  • May 1, 2003, 7:43 a.m. CST

    Oh, my god...

    by Ludwig Curious

    This idiot, this trailer park trash... HIS review is the first one of the best movie of 2003?! What the fuck... Can you even call this a review?

  • May 1, 2003, 7:43 a.m. CST

    next time....

    by Mr D

    Can we have the review written in plain english please? (and not by a moron preferably). Thanks.

  • May 1, 2003, 7:43 a.m. CST

    Hey... what's will all of the ADD bashing?!?

    by antonphd

    That was a crazy funny review. What I think was great about it was it's rapid fire over the top silliness. Same thing that makes me laugh my ass off when watching the Simpsons (I like everything else too) but it's the speed and audacity that really keep me rolling. This kind of humor is smarter than some of you realize too. He had layers of jokes coming at you in that review. From the obvious to the very subtle all inter-weaved into making his points and making us laugh. Not polished, but real... just like after a great movie when you're telling the friend who didn't see it with you how great it was and how much they need to see it. Real... is what I think keeps me coming back to this site... the reviews still feel real. By the way... the first rule of great writing is: first you learn the rules and then you break them. All great writing broke the rules. Everyone of you out there who complains that Spielberg and Ford and other greats have lost their passion... they stopped breaking the rules... and they did it because their rule breakin' often doesn't get appreciated until after their work didn't make a ton of money. Man this turned into a ramble. Ah.. it's 4:43 am. Time for me to stop working.

  • May 1, 2003, 7:56 a.m. CST

    If the movie is anything like the review. No, wait, it will suc

    by Atticus Finch

    From what I could tell from that incoherent "review", The Shitrix:Retarded is basically like the first: A few cool fights, but the rest just plain sucks. I'll be happily seeing X2 again the night this steaming load comes out.

  • May 1, 2003, 8:06 a.m. CST

    fucken?

    by Buio Omega

    fucken? fucken?? fucking prick must be from PA.

  • May 1, 2003, 8:13 a.m. CST

    the underbelly of the nation speaks

    by sutherland

    That review is a classic-I could feel the poor illiterate bugger searching for an appropriate analogy to express his feelings-AND HE DID ADMIRABLY-so back it up all you who criticise-at least the guy had the bottle to do it. God Bless America-and God Bless that reviewer for thinking America went to war with Egypt. WHAT A COUNTRY!

  • May 1, 2003, 8:25 a.m. CST

    OKAY... THAT'S FRIGGING IT!!!

    by Zone Zero

    I'm GOING to open you guy's cranium shortly, cause when I get to see X@, then Matrix: Reloaded, I WILL SEND A REVIEW! I gotta teach you monkeys who's GOD. After I drop by MOAB quality reviews, you guys will want more of Zone Zero. BELEE DAT. TRY AND CATCH ME, BIIAATTCCHH!

  • May 1, 2003, 8:28 a.m. CST

    rest assured, I WILL be listening to Dio on headphones.

    by Elgyn6655321

    Because I ALWAYS do.

  • May 1, 2003, 8:29 a.m. CST

    Nice of the Wachowski brothers...

    by GilesT

    ...to hold an advance preview at a 'special' school. Sarcasm aside, I seem to remember this guy getting equally enthused at Blade II, which frankly didn't live up to his hype in the end. That's not to say that Reloaded won't be mind-blowing, 'cause I mean....how could it not be?

  • May 1, 2003, 8:30 a.m. CST

    Why dont we all make up......

    by Lightwave7871

    ....reviews about films that no one has seen yet and just stick loads of expletives in to make it sound like we were impressed by the film.... So to get the ball rolling I'd like to submit the following review harry..... _____________ The Hulk - Big Green Cock Just Fucks My Mind... _____________ I mean its just fuckin whacked, big fuckin dogs, radiation like oh. my. god. fuckin' big guy he is da bomb... and his babe whoah shes like fuckin hotter than the fuckin FX, and the Tank Swinging scene FUCK YA..... The Hulk Fuckin rocks and I saw it I did I did I did I did.... Its Fuckin fucked... and It makes ya cum harder than having four fuckin virgins leaping on ya wanger.... Fuck Yeah, Anthrax RULLLLLLLLLZ _______________ *ahem* Anyway feel free to post this up as a quality review guys.... its an exclusive* *damn I forgot the three hundred exclamation marks!

  • May 1, 2003, 8:47 a.m. CST

    No more juvenile fanboy reviews please!

    by JRRT

    This qualifies as the worst written review I have ever seen on AICN -- and that's saying a lot. This review does NOT make me want to see the film at all -- it makes the movie seem like a bunch of fight scenes with no substance. Perhaps that's what it is, but I'll wait for a review that actually uses the English language in a coherent manner. Man, I hate the comic-book-fanboy-wet-dream aspects of some of this website...

  • May 1, 2003, 8:55 a.m. CST

    Erm. WTF?

    by EvilNight

    Ok, that was funny, but it wasn't a review. It's useless for feeling out the film. Shit, I could have written a better review than that and I haven't even seen the film yet. Someone get Moriarty's ass into a theather and show him this thing so I can read a real review of this movie. If Mori's review reads like this then I'll understand. ;)

  • May 1, 2003, 8:55 a.m. CST

    What in the blue fuck is wrong with you people?

    by BigTed

    Is it really that hard to comprehend irony? The fact that this review may NOT be the single greatest aggregation of assumed persona and sarcasm in the history of the fucking world is only minutely more frightening a concept than the fact that 95% of AintItCool talkbackers are that fucking stupid as to take something so absurd as verbatim opinion. Jesus, he says "Fuck you for not supporting us against Egypt"... if that's readily acceptable to you as an American opinion on the war, then you need a punch in the neck.

  • May 1, 2003, 8:57 a.m. CST

    User I.D. Indeed please give us a parody song of this here idiot

    by Regis Travolta

    Also my Russian mail order bride should have been here by now, have any of you guys gotten her by mistake? Her name is Tatiana and she's drop dead gorgeous, here's what she looks like, copy and paste this address and go to: http://7shlUgPCSmE88tTP.com@3mv28j04.net@www.q6.com@www.meetarussiandate.com/index.html?rimage_id=542 it's essential she get here in time to see this damn Matrix movie.

  • May 1, 2003, 8:58 a.m. CST

    Reviews like this are why I come to AICN!

    by Beddy Sidious

    Rock on, Cumpston. And young geeks out there, have faith. Intellect : earning potential : hot chicks. It just takes 'em a little while (say, mid-to-late 20s) to figure it out.

  • May 1, 2003, 8:59 a.m. CST

    Too bad it's not true, he has NOT seen the movie

    by Specter22

    (I originally posted this on my site, MatrixFans.net) - Aint-It-Cool-News has posted the "first review" of the Matrix Reloaded. It's full of foul language, but it's a smashing review...if only there were evidence that it were true. As it stands, there hasn't been a single screening of Reloaded anywhere. What I have heard from those in the know, I.E. people that work for the Wachowski Brothers, is that not even critics may get a review screening of Reloaded before the 15th of May. This makes it PRETTY hard for some chump to see Reloaded on April 30th. Secondly, this could be a review written based on the infamous Scriptment by Jon Blaze 2000. The fact is that, if you read the scriptment and watch EVERY trailer and commercial, you can right a review of the movie just like this guys "review" at AICN. As it stands, I find his credibility lacking, and feel that this is a publicity stunt of AICN's. I wouldn't buy into this one.

  • May 1, 2003, 9:10 a.m. CST

    Joe Bob Rules!

    by Spikes Brain

    Much love to whoever name-checked Joe Bob! "Dumb" smart reviews are a movie tradition--they tell you what you want to hear, while the film school geeks are droning on about the damn dolly shot in Goodfellas. I say leave Neill alone, but then I still laugh out loud at every Hulk Hogan reference, and everything Chicken George writes. Can't we all just get along (brother)?

  • May 1, 2003, 9:13 a.m. CST

    Fallout Boy

    by Specter22

    Whoops! Thanks for pointing out the typo. I wrote that thing at 3:30 AM. Just copied and pasted it here. I fixed it in the original writing on MFN.

  • May 1, 2003, 9:15 a.m. CST

    Fucking Drooling Moron

    by krondinelli

    He doesn't know what the words "anomaly" and "exile" mean? This guy is living proof of the intellectual decay of American society. He doesn't even understand the fucking movie he's watching. It's all about "ass kicking". Is this guy retarded? I mean, I am amazed that he even knew how to operate a computer to write this review. It's because of people like him that Hollywood turns out so much excrement. Unlike most Hollywood shit, the Matrix has an interesting, intelligent story, and this mental midget didn't even get it. Harry's movie reviews are often grammatical train wrecks, but at least he understands the movies he's watching.

  • May 1, 2003, 9:16 a.m. CST

    Blah blah blah..

    by Sith42

    I agree.. I'm less hyped for Matrix, cause it's just going to be another Episode I. Characters don't progress, they just endure whatever is going on around them, just so they can get to the next fight scene. X2 is SO gonna rule the summer.. At least until the Hulk :) Still, that line about beat-downs and fiddle faddle.. I'll give you points for that. The rest? Blah. Oh, and btw.. Trinity dies. Morpheus betrays them. Zion likely goes down like a Taiwanese hooker by movie's end. Neo has to decide if he reboots the Matrix, and kill all those plugged into it. -T

  • May 1, 2003, 9:17 a.m. CST

    So there is actually 5 ass-kickings

    by ATARI

    Being the anal-retentive SOB I am, I couldn't help but notice there were two #2 ass-kickings. Oh, yeah, an ass kicking #6 is when I go see this fucker in two weeks!

  • May 1, 2003, 9:19 a.m. CST

    My Man Neilllll

    by Buck_Turgidson

    For all of you handjobs who actually think that our buddy Neill is actually a 15-year old dork writing from the family rec room, you actually deserve to go see the Real Cancun expecting soft-core porn again. Ask yourself--are they handing out Matrix 2 preview passes to random pimply fanboys now? Neill, bless his brilliant soul, is the concoction of someone who has read this talkback and knows how it sounds. Then he ratchets it up 10,000%. The man is a genius. Hats off. Keep those reviews coming--what's really funny are those talkbackers who are slagging you for being "fucken" illiterate.

  • May 1, 2003, 9:21 a.m. CST

    Tourette's Syndrome is not cool, m'kay?

    by Silver_Joo

    My god, that was the worst review since Harry's foray into soft porn with Guillermo, for Blade 2. Reloaded sounds like the first on, which suffered from 40 minutes of dull exposition in between journeys into the matrix. I have no doubt, the 'ass kicking' as you so elegantly put it will be exciting and rewarding, but a trilogy needs a story. Even Star Wars had that. I will take Star Wars over this anyday, purely because it has a vision and a story to tell. Lucas keeps you hooked, as opposed to letting you tune out just because there is no moment of 'holy fucking shit' anytime soon. And shoulod we really be trusting a guy that could not get the plot of The Matrix, it was not rocket science.

  • May 1, 2003, 9:21 a.m. CST

    Dumbest fucking review on AICN ever!

    by Dragonarm

    How can such a dipshit see the movie so early? What a waste of space on AICN!

  • May 1, 2003, 9:24 a.m. CST

    This guy...

    by poster_nutbag

    Sounds like Dennis Miller after a lifetime of sniffing glue

  • Great review - Neill doesn't try to make himself out to be better than the reader. Breath of fresh air.

  • May 1, 2003, 9:28 a.m. CST

    reload this

    by Hud

    hello? can i let go of my sack yet?

  • May 1, 2003, 9:30 a.m. CST

    Well for one thing..

    by Specter22

    Anyone could do some looking, come up with the JB Scriptment, then watch all the Commercials, and trailers, and write that. Notice how he "doesn't understand" the scenes that have "a lot of dialogue." What I should like to know from him is, "HOW THE HECK DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND IT!" This movie is very deep like the first one, I know, but it's VERY STRAIGHT FORWARD with everything. It looks to me like this guy doesn't know what is in those scenes, or doesn't want to just copy the JB Scriptment outright. Next up, he talks about scenes in the movie that we all know about from the trailers, but NOTHING that has been glimsed in the short flashes in the trailers. There is really nothing about what Agent Smith does, which I will mark with HUGE SPOILER WARNING HERE! [SPOILERS]Entering the real world though a crew member[/SPOILER] END OF SPOILER. Had he even seen the movie, he would have mentioned that and more about what happens to Zion. This review would be an easy one to write, but it is so incoherent, that you might think it real, and that this guy is NOT lying, but he's severely over dramatic through the whole thing. It's a rambling mess of a "review." And reveals nothing that we don't already know.

  • May 1, 2003, 9:38 a.m. CST

    It's SATIRE, kids....

    by oneragga

    Cumpston's reviews are satire. And pretty fucking funny as well. I'll take his stream of conciousness rambling analogies over Dennis Miller any day and twice on Sunday. It got the point across; he liked the movie, he didn't spoil it, and he made me laugh my arse off. And I have an English degree. ( I just can't type for shite). Rock on Neil, if I wanted a classy, Masterpiece Theatre description of the cinematography and performances, I'd go jerk off Richard Corliss. I got your message, partner, Keep 'em coming....

  • May 1, 2003, 9:51 a.m. CST

    Pants, meet shit!

    by Cruel Shoes

    This movie will suck. Neal Cumpston has a beer and cheats on his Tomboy beanpole. Nah. Bong. Snoogans.

  • May 1, 2003, 9:52 a.m. CST

    Pants, meet shit!

    by Cruel Shoes

    This movie will suck. Neal FIRST! Cumpston has a beer and cheats on his Tomboy beanpole. Nah. Bong. Snoogans.

  • May 1, 2003, 9:59 a.m. CST

    That was the most obnoxious fucking review I've ever read.

    by Sea Bass

    Someone kick that guy in the sack.

  • May 1, 2003, 10:16 a.m. CST

    Best Review Ever

    by JetJaguar

    What's this guy doing wasting his time writing reviews? His writing style is visceral, exciting and unpredictable, not to mention hilarious. And whoever mentioned Real Ultimate Power, I think you're onto something.

  • May 1, 2003, 10:21 a.m. CST

    WTF???

    by hoyaguru

    Look, if this "reviewer" was trying to be funny, he failed miserably. If this was for real, do us all a favor, and never print another one of his reviews again. I mean, wtf was that? That had to be the worst review I've ever read in my life, and all because the idiot who wrote it thought he was being cool. Reminded me of a 5th graders attempt at comedy. I'd rather not read a review at all if what I read is dreck like this.

  • May 1, 2003, 10:23 a.m. CST

    So they're letting 13 year old-pot head-metal dudes review movie

    by skycrapper

    Here I was excited to read a Matrix review and I had to go through that. "Mr. Cumpton, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

  • May 1, 2003, 10:23 a.m. CST

    Only read the first paragraph...

    by FEENXFIRE

    ...if you could call it that. Nice prose, though. Heh. God bless you Moriarty, Harry, Neil. Now I can stop haunting the net; see yah round Kill Bill time.

  • May 1, 2003, 10:23 a.m. CST

    Niell cumpston is my hero.

    by numberface

    He's the greatest writer in the history of putting shit on websites. Somebody give this man a job a the NY Times.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • May 1, 2003, 10:26 a.m. CST

    I was more worried that Neil wouldn't be able to carry off a 3rd

    by King Rhythm

    But this was his best effort yet. Funny as fuck. "French dude..Egypt" was GOLDEN, and "THIS MOVIE IS TITS" is a keeper - better'n "Tomboy Beanpole" anyway. The fucking review was all highlights. If Mr. C. can keep it up, cool. Space him out a little, so he don't get old. Or let him do a "Siskel/Ebert" style review with Seanbaby. That'd be tits.

  • May 1, 2003, 10:31 a.m. CST

    Hmmm......

    by small boy

    ...excuse me while i invite you to kiss my ballbag, Neill Cumsuck. You've seen The Matrix reloaded? Right. Why waste your time writing this shite, anyone could have come up with this from seeing the trailers. And, why bother printing this, it's balls! Are you really lacking fresh news that much? Let me help you out, i have seen The Return of The King, here's my review; Some little fuckin' midgets, they like, run up this big volcano to throw a ring or necklace or some thist into it. There's some magic dudes, and some sword fights. Then the good guys win, and this movie hits you like some giant fucking mule-hammer on your nuts. How's that for a scoop?

  • May 1, 2003, 10:43 a.m. CST

    Come on you fools...

    by EMBee

    Can't we all just revel in the fact that the upcoming summer movie season may be the best one ever (in terms of sheer geek pleasure)? Matrix will be better...X2 is awesome...please. I feel like I ended up on Gamepro's forum for "Which system is better?" Just lay back, smile, and enjoy the next 8 months.

  • May 1, 2003, 10:45 a.m. CST

    Oh, and about Neill

    by EMBee

    Neill is a genius.

  • May 1, 2003, 10:46 a.m. CST

    I have seen this movie

    by PerfectTommy

    ...and there are several enormous and shocking plot twists which define this movie. The person who posted this "review" did not even make mention of them elliptically. He has not seen the movie. I will post the twists tomorrow to prove the validity of my assertion but rest assured--this fool has seen nothing but porn and the empty cheetos bags lying around his apartment. I will say that there really is no great technical improvement in the movie effects-wise. It is mostly an amped up version of what they did the first time out. It is the story that makes this movie brilliant. P.T. check here tomorrow

  • May 1, 2003, 10:48 a.m. CST

    Nice to see you in here Alice,

    by Conan_the_Humble

    Yeah this movie looks ok. Review's pretty ordinary though. I've got a feeling he was really (ahem) 'masturbating' in the cinema though, that'd probably get you kicked out... Cheers.

  • I'll just assume that all of you bitching about the review are first time AICNers, or people who - like Oscar voters - pretend to only like "serious" films. Neill's "hyper/hypo" style is what allows him to get into these screenings then write for AICN without getting caught for Christ's sake. In real life he is probably the exact opposite of the Mr. Cumpston we know and love. If you take a moment to get the giant bug out of your ass, you will see that his review clearly said that the plot is thin and too new-agey for his tastes, but the action set pieces are off the hook and more than make up for the "there is no spoon" psycho-babble that passes for "story". And what is with this X2 vs. M2 bullshit? We have too geekgasm movies opening within two weeks of each other. Neither will be "better". You may personally enjoy one over the other because of your personal tastes, but both will be amazing if you lovegenre movies. Neill - thanks for the smiles, but I hate you for whatever connection allows you to see X2 and M2 weeks before the rest of us.

  • May 1, 2003, 11:02 a.m. CST

    Ok, now for the REAL review . . .

    by stillwater79

    Can we get a review from someone who has more than a fifth-grade vocabulary, PLEASE? Harry may think this Neil Cumpston is hot shit, but I prefer reviews that make sense. Harry and Moriarty's reviews are much better than this! When do we get to read THEM?

  • May 1, 2003, 11:03 a.m. CST

    Neill Cumstain boy genius

    by D.E. Machina

    Not as funny as the X2 review. I just saw the firt Underworld trailer, not as off topic as you might think, a total Matrix ripoff. Looks cool though. And complain about N.C. reviews all you want, he gets the TBs all heated up.

  • May 1, 2003, 11:05 a.m. CST

    Neil Cumpston/Matrix Reloaded Review

    by Spideyken1

    Harry, I wrote to you last week for Mr. Cumpston's review of X2. What is this guy's problem? His reviews are not only offensive (Must he be derogatory about gays in all his reviews?) Granted I think that Joel Schumacher's Batman films are awful), but to make quotes like

  • May 1, 2003, 11:10 a.m. CST

    you just don't get it

    by Juvenals 17th

    This guy is smart and playing you all. It's a persona, jackasses and you're the joke in all your stuttering fanboy fury. Look at the just off analogies, close enough to brilliance but just off enough to look like the typical fan boy idiot. This guy is mocking your(especially Harry) fanboy hyperbole and as usual those taking the hit can't see it.

  • May 1, 2003, 11:16 a.m. CST

    I could have wrote that after reading the scriptmen

    by AlwaysThere

    What a bunch of BS. Plus can this guy not count.

  • May 1, 2003, 11:26 a.m. CST

    I'm a little surprised...

    by Bad Guy

    ...at all the negativity aimed at Neill Cumpston and his "reviews". They're supposed to be "funny" & "ironic" & he's obviously very clever and is just messin' with you guys. There were some great pop culture references in that review. The "Heroclix" comment was classic & laugh out loud funny. Maybe it hit a little too close to home for some of you? Anyway, I'm sure there will be plenty of "serious" reviews for "MATRIX:RELOADED" to come, but in the meantime my vote's in for more of Cumpston's "15 year old w/ ADD stream-of-consciousness" ramblings. Keep up the great work, Neill. Very funny. And the rest of you? Get a sense of humour about yourselves and your movie geekism.

  • May 1, 2003, 11:32 a.m. CST

    This is to movie reviews what spam is to gourmet dining.

    by Phoebe Caulfield

    Will The Matrix: Reloaded be worth the ducats? Of course. Will the action be out of this world, well duh?! Does this review make me want to see it any more or less? Not a chance. It tells me to expect geeky fanboys sitting in the theatre, creaming their jeans (if this review is any indication). I get it, you liked the movie. But don't bullshit us by saying that this is a "review" of the movie.

  • May 1, 2003, 11:33 a.m. CST

    Matrix greatest plot ever

    by KiLLa

    For all those complaining that Reloaded will be all action and no Story, how wrong could you be. The thing that made the first Matrix kick ass was its great story, and the W. Brothers wrote the two sequels at the same time as the first one. So you see the story must be great too, I can't imagine that they would not have a great story, it's the freaking MATRIX.

  • May 1, 2003, 11:37 a.m. CST

    I take it back Harry

    by ThingsThatTimDog

    I rather hear you blathing on like a pendantic boob than have to read a review from some guy who only knows 4 vocab words and has to refer to every actor by some obscure part they had in the past. You dont even need to see a movie to review at this site anymore. Just get on, curse a few dozen times and tell people they will cream their shorts. Then 4 months later tell everyone you thought the movie blew.

  • May 1, 2003, 11:45 a.m. CST

    excellect review

    by JudiciousHooker

    How can all you people claim this reviewer is 13 years old/retarded/illiterate/an idiot? His review is a dense barrage of clever metaphors, poetic language and humor. He could have written it in any style he wanted, but he obviously went to a lot of trouble to make it entertaining, and he surpassed even the allegorical majesty of Knowles's Blade 2 review in doing so. It's amazing to me how many people think something is idiotic because it contains the word "fuck" or a few jokes. I'd like to see any of the Talkback Crusaders for Clean Language come up with a sentence the equal of "This movie is a pillowcase with soda cans inside that beats the living mule-fuck out of you but you

  • May 1, 2003, 11:47 a.m. CST

    PLANT!...er...wait...

    by silentjay

    probably not...not with that kind of eloquence.

  • May 1, 2003, 11:58 a.m. CST

    Boycott AICN until they regain their dignity

    by akirakid

    Guys, Dark Horizons has the same information AICN does and you don't have to listen to the lunatic ravings of a man-child who has the mentality of a brain dead Spicoli. (Nothing against surfers) We are cautioned in our talkbacks that "Being a jerkwad loser will get you banned" and I am subjected to this idiot on purpose?!? I realize he had a geek-boy orgasm over Reloaded, but this review told me nothing more than he is an undersexed, hormonally charged, macho idiot that wants their movies to become porn films with car chases and guns. So if you want the same straightforward information, go over to Dark Horizons and Garth Franklin. But make sure you shower first because I feel assaulted and dirty after being here. Until AICN grows up, I doubt I'll be returning. (You can all applaud now.)

  • May 1, 2003, 12:01 p.m. CST

    Oh fer crying out loud`

    by paulio

    A: it was `for not supporting us over IRAQ` twit and b: I love Aint it Cool to death but this `every review has to sound like a porn documentary` and comparing every film to a year long orgasm is getting REALLY REALLY OLD NOW. Can we have reviews of movies which don`t make the writers sound like prepubescent teenage boys with a one word dictionary and very few female friends?

  • May 1, 2003, 12:32 p.m. CST

    I really am glad he had such a nice time

    by Heleno

    But this doesn't tell us anything new. And it's very hard reading.

  • May 1, 2003, 12:34 p.m. CST

    What?????

    by Mac Styran

    Come on, people, that wasn't a review, was it? I mean, the guy doesn't even talk properly. Now, there are some reviews on this site that the writers should be ashamed of ... Harry's Blade 2 anyone? This piece is definitely one of them.

  • May 1, 2003, 12:48 p.m. CST

    everyone take a pill.

    by ElRanchoDeSancho

    Holy cow!!!! I can't believe the way everyone gets worked up about Neil Cumshot's review!!!! Personally I think he's hilarious. He's one of the few reviewers that I can bring myself to read all the way through. A bit of advice to all those who take offense at his reviews being posted: Fuck off and make your own site. You don't own AICN, and no one will care if you never come back. Go create your own website where you and 6 other uber-geeks can solemnly discuss the socio-political subtext buried deep within the Roger Corman Fantastic Four movie. I (and I suspect many others)come here to get scoops and laughs. Neil Cumbreath provides laughs-o-plenty. If you don't like his writing, don't read it. If you read it, don't bother telling us how much you hate him. No one cares. Not me. Not the people who enjoy Neil's reviews. Not the sock puppet you call a girlfriend. No one. Come to think of it, no one gives a rat's ass about my opinion either. Which makes me wonder why I'm typing this. Jesus Christ, I'm lame.

  • May 1, 2003, 12:51 p.m. CST

    The Return of Neill Cumpston

    by Kevin

    I always get a feeling of glee after reading Neill's reviews. He's no English major, but a fan translating his sheer joy into words. I like it. Oh, to IFartOnYourGrave: You complain about lack of class on AICN yet you choose that for a screen name? Hmmm...

  • May 1, 2003, 12:58 p.m. CST

    ONE TRICK PONY!!! But the movie sounds exactly how I expected..

    by empyreal0

    ...one helluva ride. Which is good, of course. I've learned to expect less, plot-wise, from this movie than the first and I think Neill Cumstain cut straight to the point. This movie is an orgy of beautiful action sequences, with a flimsy superhero-type background story. At least if I go in not expecting Shakespeare, I know I'm not going to be disappointed... OH, and sorry that I said last time to make this guy a regular. I changed my mind. He's a one-trick pony. Unless he starts cranking out some good material, I'm afraid he's gonna get REALLY OLD REALLY FAST!!

  • May 1, 2003, 1:05 p.m. CST

    This guy seems mentally unstable

    by joeblowe

    Worst review ever. Did he write this in 5 seconds, while he was on crack?

  • May 1, 2003, 1:08 p.m. CST

    Forget this review, my comment about the Matrix Twins on AICN en

    by Rupert Cornelius

    April 28, 2003 Lifeline column in the "Life" section, it mentioned my comment on Mr. Beaks' interview with the actors who play Twin 1 and Twin 2. Other talkbackers were complaining that they don't have names in the movies, so I suggested "Milli" and "Vanilli" and it ended up in USA Today. So in the hopes of it happening again, let me say that the first review of Matrix: Reloaded ........ is almost as great as the hard-hitting and responsible journalism of USA Today!

  • May 1, 2003, 1:19 p.m. CST

    x2 is as good as it gets

    by u.k. star

    i don't care which is better same as i don't care which is the best out of aliens , empire strikes back, godfather 2 ,or t2. i just know that these are some of the best sequels of all time and about the only one peolpe bother to argue about as worthy successors to their originals, and better than the originals. (i won't bore you with which i think are better). X2 will join that list it is without a doubt the best comic book movie ever. it is without a doubt one of the best sci-fi actioners ever. why because it has characters you care about, good to excellent acting amazing action and special effects, and a story that is relevant and worhty of discussion. (oppression of minorities, is terrorism ever justified when your being persicuted. etc.) but like the best genre movies those without the wit to see the subtext or just to long to grasp it can just enjoy the kick ass action. if the matrix has these atributes to join the surely superb special effects then it will join that list. i'm going to seee x2 again tomorrow, almost definatly again next week too, if the matrix is better then it's all good for sci-fi fans everywhere, if it's only half as good as x2 then it's still goonna be the best 3 weeks in my 25 years of movie going. and by the way the fact that x2 is one of the best films ,(at the very least of this kind), ever made coupled with it's pg13 (12a here in the uk) rating means it has a very ery strong chance of outgrossing the matrix. in countries with barrier ratings like we have in the uk no one under 15 will be able to see the matrix, (legaly anyway) X2 really is as good s the hype....no wait it's better........

  • May 1, 2003, 1:30 p.m. CST

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

    by 007-11

    Holy shit that was awesome! It was like listening to Dennis Leary describing an acid trip! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! If the movie is anything like this review it'll be fantastic.

  • May 1, 2003, 1:33 p.m. CST

    Jesus, Fett!

    by Mutant X

    SHUT THE FUCK UP! Let me add my voice! SHUT THE FUCK UP! Go read your fan mail or find a new Catwoman or SOMETHING, just PLEASE... PLEASE... shut the FUCK UP!!!!! This isn't a letter of support! If you put on your decoder ring, this won't say "Attaboy, Fett!" It will still say that you're an imbecile, and that damn near everyone on AICN hates you. I've suffered through your horrible, horrible posts for some time now without saying a word, but Christ, man, enough! You cry to the cosmos "Lord, why must they always gang up on me?" Well, here's an easy answer, dipshit. The reason everyone hates you is because everything you post is so contradictory and stupid that we all feel our IQ slowly draining out of our ears with every word. You have the balls to insult Cumpston for what's obviously a parody?! HA! That's hilarious considering your writing style. The other day you said "No one can write like me!" Damn straight no one can write like you. Nor would anyone want to. Hell, at this point, I miss the Imposter Fett. Enough! I know you're going to start screaming about how I'm the Facer and the Facer's Sideshow Bill and Sideshow Bill is people! Sideshow Bill is people! but I'm not a secret agent, so you can go back to writing "FETT'S ENEMY LIST" in peace. Oh, and this review was hilarious. Makes me pine for Hallenbeck.

  • May 1, 2003, 1:41 p.m. CST

    Dear stupid fucking monkeys,

    by kingofdadipshits

    I can't believe after neill's third review some of you buttnuts are still saying "is it real?" "worst review ever!" or '"It sounds like it was written by a fifteen year old"...it's a joke, Neill is not a REAL GUY, he's made up just like Neo, gollum and the hulkman. Neill Cumpston is clearly Moriarity or one of his friends. It has comedy writer written all over it. It's a fucking character, if you even thought it was real for a second you are dumber then my Mom.

  • May 1, 2003, 1:47 p.m. CST

    Obviously It Will Kick Ass

    by TheManRoom

    Question is, are you willing to blow off your job and risk losing it to see this bad boy opening day or night? Cast a vote: http://www.themanroom.com/index.php

  • May 1, 2003, 1:48 p.m. CST

    http://www.realultimatepower.net/

    by Slugworth

    Is the website that Neil stole his shtick (right down to the multiple penis bit) from. Kinda weak.

  • May 1, 2003, 1:54 p.m. CST

    Am I to believe a Simian was led into the theater?

    by KONG33

    Thanks, Harry, but NO THANKS. Screen these goddamn 'reviews'. I couldn't finish a whole paragraph of his shit.

  • May 1, 2003, 1:57 p.m. CST

    Did somebody say they missed me?

    by ONE-FETT-TO-RULE

    Then I'm here to entertain you, you fucking cuddling faggots! All you cock sucking, salad tossing, fudge packing faggot pole smokers do is make gay jokes! If your boyfriend doesn't take care of it Stan, I'll throw your panties in your face!

  • May 1, 2003, 2:04 p.m. CST

    Fucking HORRIBLE review!!!!

    by ONE-FETT-TO-RULE

    We got no details from that kindergarten rant!! So Neo and Trinity do it, big fucking deal. Why dont we get some juice, like what was Trinity's reaction when Neo threw her panties in her face? And what did Trinity's mom say when Neo called her and told her that her daughter was a filthy whore? Some fucking important plot pieces would be nice in a spoiler review. Fuck George Bush!!

  • May 1, 2003, 2:09 p.m. CST

    aicn created a new kind of review: THE MOVIE BELCH

    by drjones

    in the past it was a question decency to belch after a meal or your drink. it was a sign that you`ve liked the food and drinking. that`s the case with those "reviews" as well. but could YOU MAYBE TELL YOUR REVIEWERS TO TAKE NO (NO NO NO)DRUGS WHILE WRITING THEIR REVIEWS????? ...AND WHILE WATCHING THE FILM BY THE WAY??? i mean if someone tells me that you could wear headphones during a movie and WOULDN`T MISS ANYTHING i can`t help but getting the impression that this guy has at the utmost an IQ of -80 . i just get the impression. and if i know that this guy doesn`t give a cent on the plot but OONNLYYYY on the pictures. i recommend neill that you better watch music videos. i can`t give a shit on that review....i just can`t

  • May 1, 2003, 2:11 p.m. CST

    could that be

    by ZO

    the worst review ever? and thats saying something with all the "writers" on this site how many times can you type the word Dude?

  • May 1, 2003, 2:22 p.m. CST

    LOL

    by GypsyTRobot

    this review was not as amusing as the previous one, but the resulting outrage is hi-larious. + reviews for movies like this one are just entertainment, basically. I know 99.9% of us geeks are going to see this in the theater no matter what the reviews say or how they say it. Shit, I'll go see Star Wars III if it gets zero stars because my geekiness will not allow me to wait for video. (BTW Barry aka bwstarwars aka Donnie Darko is claiming that he is responsible for getting Spike [James Marsters, the blonde vamp on Buffy] cast as the younger Tarkin in S3.) + Hey Harry, quit being a chauvinist pig. Remember there's at least 3 female regulars around here -- what are we supposed to hold onto when we're reading these reviews???

  • May 1, 2003, 2:24 p.m. CST

    Right the joke's worn thin! Enough already!

    by Not The Messiah

    Keep this guy in containment until SUPERMAN is released.

  • May 1, 2003, 2:24 p.m. CST

    Uh no Fett

    by ONE-FETT-TO-RULE

    I count at least 2 of my posts before you "burned" Stan. Stupid bastard.... when you reference the "retaliation" for the "burn" in the same post as the "burn", you lose a bit of credibility. Dumbfuck.

  • May 1, 2003, 2:29 p.m. CST

    brilliance

    by neckbone

    neill is my hero - that was the funniest stuff i've read in ages. took 3 tries to finish, i broke into tears the first 2 times. and to the posters bustin' on neill - LIGHTEN THE HELL UP, YOU TOOLS! chances are, you frequent this FREE site hoping to find a one sentence blurb/review/nugget or picture on whatever movie (that is probably months, if not years, from release) and now you're getting indignant about someone having a little fun on a review? get some perspective...please.

  • May 1, 2003, 2:37 p.m. CST

    not to piss on ur bonfire...

    by sadistic chick

    specially since i aint read everybody elses comments & its possible somebody may have already beat me to it but anywho THIS IS NOT THE FIRST REVIEW OF MATRIS RELOADED EVER EMPIRE HAVE HALF A MAGAZINE DEDICATED TO IT & THAT CAN OUT WAY BEFORE YOU PUT UP THIS PILE OF SHIT YOU CALL A REVIEW SO STOP CLAIMING TO BE THE FIRST COS ITS JUST A LOAD OF SHIT! ok im done ranting have a nice day X

  • May 1, 2003, 2:44 p.m. CST

    AHA!

    by Mutant X

    Took Fett longer than I thought it would to quote a Facer blog. Guess I lost my inner bet!

  • May 1, 2003, 2:45 p.m. CST

    While it's not my type o humor...

    by BuckyKatt

    .. I think this review has to be. Mori, you and Harry playing with our feeble lil minds??

  • May 1, 2003, 2:47 p.m. CST

    this is why I miss Corona Coming Attractions

    by beamish13

    the reviews were actually mature and had some thought in them.

  • May 1, 2003, 2:48 p.m. CST

    Best review ever. Fuck all you turds who take this guy seriously

    by Mr. Waturi

    Harry wishes his "Blade II" review had 1/10 of this guy's wit.

  • May 1, 2003, 2:52 p.m. CST

    How can people be confused by the first film?

    by the_pissboy1

    What sort of toolboxes a) didn't understand The Matrix the first time? B) Would proudly admit they needed to watch this simplistic film more than once? Honestly, this reviewer/quim lost me the moment he said the first film lost him. Good lord, the first one can't get much simpler: machines take over the world, enslave man to use as batteries, some humans have escape to fight the machines, a halfwit numbskull is considered the one and he tries to stop the computer. Is that so confusing? Goddamn retards on this planet make simplistic, poorly paced, clunky-dialogue-laden, action-less, ineptly acted shit films like this a huge hit.

  • May 1, 2003, 2:54 p.m. CST

    New titles for Matrix films

    by ShooterMctanktop

    I here Revolutions is going to have it's title changed to either Matrix"kicks you in the balls and eats out your girlfriend" or simply Matrix"pants meet shit" its kinda catchy actually.

  • May 1, 2003, 2:56 p.m. CST

    X2 + Cow Bell = Maybe

    by BuzzLightyear66

    The only possible way X2 could compare to what I hope and believe the Matrix to be is if it had more cow bell. That's the only possible way, more cow bell!

  • May 1, 2003, 2:57 p.m. CST

    Thank you Sadistic Chick. By all means piss on the bonfire...

    by Kevin Costner

    'Cuz this review so bites the donkey's ass that I just can't believe it's a headline. This is beyond retarded. I usually don't get pissed off for having a mere five minutes of my life wasted but FUCK this 'me-wanna-be-cool' jack-ass. Neil, you're NOT COOL, and if your review was any dumber you'd be wearing shin-pads to go with your helmet. What a fucking waste of time...

  • We shall see.. X2 is just so freaking awesome that I've almost forgotten about the Matrix. But I'm looking forward to it though. Anyway, a few months ago someone posted a story summary of Reloaded in a talkback. And judging from what was in the above review, it seems like that summary was legit. Damn, the ending is gonna freak you out.

  • May 1, 2003, 3 p.m. CST

    Does it have ninjas wailing on guitars in it too? Cause that wo

    by cryptochrome

    Whatta retard. www.realultimatepower.com

  • May 1, 2003, 3:01 p.m. CST

    yawn

    by Lance Uppercut

    Consider the possibilities here 1) Some retarded 12 year old somehow got to see the most anticipated movie since episode 1 2 weeks before anyone else and then found he had NOTHING of any substance to say about it OR 2) Same munchkin found out a few deatails by leafing through a movie magazine for 2 minutes while trying to choose between trying green or purple BPM, then fleshed it out with some "cool" swearing and thesearus-powered hyperbole. Hmmm...I wonder...

  • May 1, 2003, 3:10 p.m. CST

    That was the most illiterate thing I've read in a long, long tim

    by InvaderZim

    Congratuations.

  • May 1, 2003, 3:19 p.m. CST

    What an incomprehensible review!

    by KatieScarlett

    What do you expect from a ten year old anyway. Harry, I do understand and respect the 'concept' that the review was written in the spirit of love and adoration of the film/geek boy/rah rah rah, but c'mon! It's senseless! I would have preferred a tinsy bit of plot! Oh well, I'll go read the NYTimes/Rolling Stones if I want plot! Anyways, I enjoy your site, Harry, don't misinterpret me.

  • It was funny, what's the problem? Everything doesn't have to be Pauline Kael, although you couldn't trust a review from her because she hated everything. So it isn't a delightful little piece of prose with many delicious little bits of wit woven in for that delicate hint of mischief and saucyness, who cares? It was funny, we all know the Matrix is going to kick ass, and we all know that this site will soon be flooded with more reviews than you can shake a spoon at(remember guys? "There is no spoon"? Little bald british kid? Oracle's apartment? Huh? Anyone?) So qwitcherbitchin.

  • May 1, 2003, 3:33 p.m. CST

    Fine, but this is not the first review of the film....

    by Sith Witch

  • May 1, 2003, 3:40 p.m. CST

    Chillax, geek-btiches!

    by WeedyMcSmokey

    C'mon - that was kinda funny at least. Some of you take this way too seriously, it's a friggin' movie review - not a desertation on democracy. I laughed hardest when the guy who calls himself I Fart On Your Grave accuses Harry of having no class. Cumpstein, you're pretty funny, guy - Pottery Barn having a rave themed Planet of the Gay Apes is some inspired shit. I'm pretty sure the Cookie Lady has to die in this. I don't know why, call it a 'feeling'. Or perhaps its becuase..... she did.

  • AICN can't sink deeper.

  • May 1, 2003, 3:52 p.m. CST

    This guy KILLS me

    by Bash_Branigan

    Okay, I know he's some kind of lower primate, I know I'm not supposed to like something so unintelligable, but ya know... I don't care. That review is hysterical! Just when I thought he couldn't invent a new totally expository metaphor to say that something was good, here he comes again!

  • May 1, 2003, 3:58 p.m. CST

    I stopped reading this 'review' halfway after the first sentence

    by Sithlord_999

    And the bloated sellout calls this shit a review- Worthless Garbage. Just like this excrement of a website.

  • May 1, 2003, 4 p.m. CST

    Ahhhh... hmmmm.

    by nazismasher

    Pretty hilarious stuff and I am really looking forward to Reloaded... almost as much as I am looking forward to the first REAL review. LOL! The Cookie Lady.

  • May 1, 2003, 4:11 p.m. CST

    Here's Harry's Matrix review from '99

    by L. Mollari

    And it's in English, too, unlike that steaming load above: THE MATRIX review Alright, it

  • May 1, 2003, 4:27 p.m. CST

    Matrix?

    by Lev_Harris

    What's this Matrix thing everyone keeps talking about? I remember reading about it back in '99 on this site. Can someone please explain!?

  • May 1, 2003, 4:54 p.m. CST

    Joe Bob Briggs He Ain't...

    by Van Damned

    WILL YOU PLEASE STOP POSTING REVIEWS THAT SOUND LIKE A THIRTEEN YEAR-OLD PSYCHOTIC WITHOUT MORAL BOUNDERIES WROTE THEM? I mean really! Is it just me? This idiot basically said absolutely nothing! I'm going to have to re-think taking anyone on this site seriously...

  • . . . really disturbing. . .

  • May 1, 2003, 5:11 p.m. CST

    The poor man's Jackie Harvey (The Onion)

    by RedneckJedi

    Jackie is the kind of guy that can skew and blend the facts MUCH better and MUCH funnier... without the use of expletives. Now, who is this guy again? His non-witty reparte

  • May 1, 2003, 5:12 p.m. CST

    Matrix "review"

    by Johnnyspot

    I race for my computer everyday to log onto AICN. Why? It's the best! However I am personally offended by the, and I use this word lightly, "writer" and his constant references to fags, cocksuckers etc... I thought he was going to enlighten us till we get the priviledge of seeing the film, not offend his cyber audience. I expect more from Harry Knowles and AICN. How 'bout a real Pre-review of Matrix reloaded?? PS: I dont offend easily, I made it through Irreversible...TWICE!

  • May 1, 2003, 5:25 p.m. CST

    who the hell writes this bullshit anyway?

    by pooneil

    That review did absolutely nothing to change my belief that the biggest Matrix fans are overgrown 6 year olds. I will probably not enjoy this movie much because I am, unfortunately, not mentally retarded. Too bad.

  • May 1, 2003, 5:41 p.m. CST

    hahahaha classic

    by wos

    brilliant - this guy deserves an interview with Total Film :)

  • May 1, 2003, 5:46 p.m. CST

    Disgusting

    by NAFF

    This filth has no place here. It isn't clever and is not appreciated.

  • May 1, 2003, 5:58 p.m. CST

    you have to be very smart...

    by Mr Brownstone

    to write something THAT stupid.

  • May 1, 2003, 6:03 p.m. CST

    Tee hee

    by Dan_Average

    Talkbackers complaining about "filth" = funniest thing I've seen all week. Much funnier than the actual review, which comes off like a poor man's Planet Hate.

  • May 1, 2003, 6:10 p.m. CST

    Hilarious - well done Neil. Even if you didn't actually see the

    by steve_zodiac

    OK, you maybe did see the movie but where? when? If you don't tell us that tiny bit of essential information we're just not gonna believe you 100%. Mind you, from the way you put it I think you've reallt seen it and I think it's REALLY gonna kick major league ass. By the way, for those of you wondering if those cocksuckers at UNCUT magazine in the UK are still publishing FAKE REVIEWS OF ALL UPCOMING MOVIES the answer is yes and the editor is still a fucking smokehole who'd rather sell his ass than a legitimate publication.

  • May 1, 2003, 6:12 p.m. CST

    Could Mori and Neill be one in the same? BUM BUM BUM!

    by Ribbons

    Probably not

  • May 1, 2003, 6:12 p.m. CST

    only 1 hour of sleep today, wahoo!

    by imageburn13

    I was up at 4 am after staring at photoshop for 6 hours...finals are this week, and im in a william shatner load of trouble... but I tuned into this review and after staring at it with the tasty glaze over my eyes, it made me laugh and it was nice to see some "news" (whatever ya call it) about the matrix...I've almost grown tired/check that, I HAVE grown tired of HEARING about X2, I just wanna see the fucker so anything; again ANYTHING news devoted to "big summer cinema" will get my attention...now that I think about it, YES his review was funny, but its JUST that. I almost feel like Neil Cumsuckler is akin to Dirk fucking Diggler in that he's getting too big for his shoes, and he's writing to simply "flush out his character" so truth be telt, even tho I found his "review" refreshing and comical at 4 am his "review" doesn't touch ANYTHING this site puts out on the regular. for a FREE ACCESS website, we get some fucking awesome stuff. We also get the not so awesome stuff, but hey, its FREE! so take it or leave it. I'll take it. fuck photoshit.

  • May 1, 2003, 6:14 p.m. CST

    This crap is supposed to be funny?????

    by zenda

    Cumpston needs to buy himself a sense of humor (and a few writing lessons!) But then again, between the childish homophobic remarks and the super-macho posturing, maybe Neill is trying to tell us something. Like a long dead famous writer wrote "Methinks the lady doth protest too much." So hurry up and come out of the closet, Neill, and learn how to write on your way out.

  • May 1, 2003, 6:14 p.m. CST

    Get thee a thesaurus!

    by pilgrim57

    I'm sorry, but when someone has to resort to so many expletives and crudities just to express their enthusiasm, it's not worth my time. "First" is this case just means "stupidest".

  • May 1, 2003, 6:29 p.m. CST

    Lam-o

    by Damer1

    This now takes the cake as worst review ever. The "I've never actually seen a vagina" review that Harry gave for Blade II is now only the 2nd worst piece of garbage ever written.

  • May 1, 2003, 6:45 p.m. CST

    IQ Test...

    by FlickChick

    Those who loved this review---Your IQ=2 Those who hated it---Your IQ=120+

  • May 1, 2003, 6:58 p.m. CST

    Satire so great I punched my mom in the face!

    by Bernie Bernbaum

    How do some of you people not realize that this review, genuine or not, is intended for laughs? What the fuck? You're probably the same people who hated the South Park movie, or who watches older, classic Simpsons episodes and wonder, 'What's with all of the awkward silences? Don't the writers have any jokes to give us?' IT'S IRONY! C'MON! As somebody else here said, it may not be the most polished satire ever written, but it's damn funny nonetheless. Anybody who thinks this guy is seriously trying to write a thoughtful, articulate analysis of a cinematic work needs to take their head out of their ass and lighten the fuck up.

  • May 1, 2003, 7:05 p.m. CST

    ....

    by Pksoze22

    This review was horrible and didn't provide any cool info I cant gleam from the trailers. This guy is trying too hard to be cool rather than giving us an informative review.

  • May 1, 2003, 7:14 p.m. CST

    like it or not

    by neckbone

    with the # of posts in this thread approaching 300 (although that's a little inflated by the fett-flame war...) neill/mori/harry has obviously struck a chord. and what a great double-dip - a tremendous laugh at the review and then a second laugh at the expense of all the uptight buttholes who piss and moan like they were forced to read the damn thing!

  • May 1, 2003, 7:19 p.m. CST

    Seriously, is that the best you can do

    by proppajob

    Ok guys next time you want to make up a review just get in touch with me, I know a four yearold that can do a better job than that. That was the dumbest fucking thin I have ever read.

  • May 1, 2003, 7:20 p.m. CST

    I just pissed my pants with laughter.

    by sharondeitz

    That was one funny review.

  • May 1, 2003, 7:21 p.m. CST

    come to papa

    by faggotlewisblack

    I'm currently masturbating while the orginal Matrix is playing in my VCR and will continue to do so until Reloaded comes out or Harry becomes my personal bitch.

  • May 1, 2003, 7:27 p.m. CST

    Worst. Review. Ever.

    by Roger Thornhill

    Using "fuck" and "shit" does not make your points any stronger. Worst. Review. Ever.

  • May 1, 2003, 7:31 p.m. CST

    Quality razzed-out speed freak metal trash hyberbole

    by KillaKane

    Now, that's what I love about this site, such a divergence in review postings from the geek Brethren. Keep Neil onboard, he's da 'one', I sense there's a tongue firmly planted in somone's cheek(s). Safe bet Jay Mewes and Joe Bob are proud of their Bastard offspring!

  • May 1, 2003, 7:34 p.m. CST

    What a Dumb Ass. Worst Review EVER!

    by Chipotle

    I at first wasn't going to read the review because I was afraid of spoilers. I decided to check the talkback reaction and the unanimous cries of incompetance made me curious what the heck this review actually said. I still don't understand it at all. The guy sounds like a horny preteen boy. It is embarassing. Harry, what the heck are you trying to do. Are you that desperate for a "scoop" that you publish horrible written garbage like this. Maybe this guy isn't a pussy, but he sure is a fucking moron. This site is quickly going to hell. I've lost major respect for you Harry.

  • May 1, 2003, 7:46 p.m. CST

    STOP WITH THESE GAY ASS REVIEWS!!!!!!

    by ranting_dude

    I want to hear a review. Not some queer ass shit about cumming and eating pussy and all that type of bullshit. SHIT! Tell me about the special effects. Are they any good? Tell us more about the plot. No one cares if you jack off or run out of cum. Does it still have bullet time in this flick or is there anything new? You know, like Joel Silver siad in some interview about there being a bar anymore. By the way, Harry, I think you are the only jack off who wants to see Hot Whells the movie. If you want to see it so bad go rent that home video that just came out.

  • May 1, 2003, 7:46 p.m. CST

    Re: Satire so great I punched my mom in the face!

    by Kevin Costner

    Hey Bernie Bernbaum, that's exactly the problem. He's trying to be funny. He's trying to be cool. He's trying to be slick. He's trying to do everything except the one thing most people clicked on his review for and that's really fucking annoying. "OMG!! this fight scene was better than (insert idiotic wanna-be-funny sexual innuendo), and them some dudes talk about plot for a while and then there's this kung-fu moment that's like (insert wanna-be-funny sexual innuendo)" Instead of writing anything intereseting NEILL WHOTHEFUCKCARES is trying to show everyone how goddamn funny he is and he just ain't. Mori you got hacked and didn't actaully post this did you?

  • May 1, 2003, 7:51 p.m. CST

    WHAT A FLIPPIN LIAR!! =)

    by Kampbell-Kid

    I'm a manager for a theater and I have marketing contacts at WB and they said they've never screened this film yet to the public. Nothing in that review is solid and everything in that review touched on things we all already have seen in the trailers. Then to be subjected to some guy trin to copy Harry's BLADE 2 vulgar review style which is completely trite and a YEAR OLD!!! Minorly funny, but yet completely annoying to read because I knew this person hasn't seen it as confirmed by someone at WB.

  • May 1, 2003, 7:54 p.m. CST

    OZ versus Aus...

    by Lighthand

    Very funny review... Just confused about the butt rape reference in regards to the guy from OZ. Did this refer to the land of OZ (as in there's no place like home) or Australia? Surely not the later...the land of bronze, beer drinking testosterone fuelled hunks?

  • May 1, 2003, 7:57 p.m. CST

    A review as a spit in the eye for fans..

    by Silver Shamrock

    I've learned nothing about the movie from that "review". I half expect Joel Silver to ask Neil to tone down the hype! And for those of you that claim the "review" was satire, I ask, a satire of what specifically?

  • May 1, 2003, 8:09 p.m. CST

    The Matrix will rock

    by Scorched-Planet

    And Fett will still be the fag-a-long in all the Talk-Backs. He just argues and takes the assinine side to get attention so he isn't completly alone in the basement with his mom's cats. www.scorched-planet.blogspot.com

  • May 1, 2003, 8:31 p.m. CST

    LMAO CHICKTIME channel

    by digdig

    this guy is freakin' hilarious.

  • May 1, 2003, 8:40 p.m. CST

    Reviews from the trailer park?

    by yoda900_ca

    Great there's alot of fighting. I guess if u live in a trailer park thats the only qualification for a good movie. Steve Segal is a god I here in that world.Alot of boring stuff between ass-kicking. Thats called Dialogue, can i duduceby the fact that it was borung thats this movie is not well write? Neil next time can you write a review of some substance and one that doesn't show off your 10th grade vocab. HARRY WHERE ARE YOU WITH A REVIEW. I realled enjoyed the first Matrix but have heard alot of mixed chatter about how good this one is. SOMEBODY WITH MORE THAN 10th GRADE Education (and thats being generous) PLEASE DO A REVIEW. THANKS

  • May 1, 2003, 8:41 p.m. CST

    Harry or Moriarty write these...

    by Felix Culpa

    some cheap attempt at an evil alter ego. The only thing is these reviews are too similar to a normal Harry review anyway, so I say Moriarty. The contrast is much greater...clear, lucid, intelligent reviewing vs. x-rated Bill and Ted speak.

  • May 1, 2003, 8:41 p.m. CST

    Another review in the CHUD forums.

    by Nocturnaloner

    For those of you who don't like Cumpston's schtick, go here: http://chud.com/board/ubbhtml/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=009908;p=2 Amazing how it has occurred to so few of you that Neil Cumpston is just a character, and the review was meant to be entertainment...

  • May 1, 2003, 9:05 p.m. CST

    Christ, there are some stupid-ass nerds on this site! Lighten th

    by Mr. Waturi

    You dorks are just bitter because somebody hasn't already told you the entire movie! After reading Neil's reviews I've got one thing to say... Pants, meet piss!

  • May 1, 2003, 9:05 p.m. CST

    This movie is tits!

    by splat

    hahaha I can't wait for this movie, it'll be so great, with Murphus and the Cookie Lady and Neo.... great review. :)

  • May 1, 2003, 9:35 p.m. CST

    Is this the guy doing reviews on good morning America?

    by atomjack1

    I THOUGHT SOOO!!

  • May 1, 2003, 9:53 p.m. CST

    Holy fucking shit

    by scudworth

    that was the greatest review ever people complaining about the lack of story and the zaniness of the review, keep in mind 1) The guy seems like he had just seen it 2) He must've not been really keen on the story anyways Sweet jesus I want to see it, tommorow is owned by X2, I'm seeing it till the theatre manager drags my ass out of the building

  • May 1, 2003, 9:59 p.m. CST

    crap review

    by Kitchen Bitch

    Hello, first time caller, long time listener... That review was a flaming piece of crap... matrix reloaded = neil cumdumpster = style over substance see you in hell! Kitchen Bitch

  • May 1, 2003, 10:05 p.m. CST

    The verdict...

    by pulpculture

    If the movie is 10 times better than this review, it will still be a steaming pile. Remember: Don't write while on crack. By the way: "The Matrix" wasn't even the best VR movie of the year it came out. That would be "The 13th Floor."

  • May 1, 2003, 10:25 p.m. CST

    None of you know anything.... but you knew that already.

    by Chingachgook

    OK, kids. Here it is for the hard of hearing. THE MATRIX SUCKED! It was an R-rated Gap commercial for ADD 'tards. Hopefully in the sequel Reeves will have the good sense to keep the sunglasses on so we can't see his primate gaze fall to the floor. Note to Fett (or whatever) and all the other McLaughlin Group wannabees. The press is liberal, yes. That's because the very idea of an independent "free" press (i.e. safe from government control) is a liberal concept. None of that matters since American news has long been corrupted by the quest for profit. You don't get news. You get partially hydrogenated A/V bites that pass as news. Example: I watched NBC news on Sunday and caught the "In Depth" segment. It lasted two minutes. TWO FUCKING MINUTES! That constitutes "In Depth" here, I guess. Want to find out what's really going on? Watch PBS, BBC or CBC (for those near the border) and find out what is really happening out there.

  • May 1, 2003, 10:27 p.m. CST

    Couldn't get through the first paragraph of this crap.

    by Psyclops

    Stop drinking paint thinner.

  • May 1, 2003, 10:29 p.m. CST

    Not sure what to say after that one....

    by Doom II

    After reading this review, I gather that the "formula" that was used for the original Matrix is repeated again...STRONG opening, SLOOOOW middle and a KICK ASS finale. Looking more forward to X2 & Tomb Raider 2 actually, but of course I'll see EVERY SUMMER MOVIE! Because I enjoy setting myself up for disappointment. I could actually see myself getting annoyed with too much "bullet-time" crap in this movie. Hopefully they don't abuse that effect, but the trailers say otherwise.

  • May 1, 2003, 10:44 p.m. CST

    HANDS DOWN THE MOST INCOHERENT, BULLSHIT REVIEW EVER POSTED TO T

    by Red Raider

    A pathetic use of both grammar and expletives. Who wrote this, your local junior high dropout?! As far as the Matrix Reloaded is concerned, I have to see X2 at last three times before I go see the Matrix. After I see Matrix 2, then it's on to the Hulk. A great summer of fanboy bliss is among us...yet again!

  • May 1, 2003, 10:56 p.m. CST

    Did a drunk 12 year old write this review?

    by Maggie

    That was worst review I've ever read. It was so poor and unprofessional that it doesn't matter if he liked the movie or not. His opinion has been shattered by his shitty execution of the material. It wasn't even a review. It was simply a list. There weren't even any reasons given as to why he liked or didn't like certain aspects of the film.

  • May 1, 2003, 11:52 p.m. CST

    What movie is this a review of?

    by CaptainHendry

    This guy may have seen it, but he hasn't learned anything from it. Talk about style over substance. It scares me that anyone is impressed by this.

  • May 2, 2003, 12:08 a.m. CST

    this review

    by sosgemini

    this is my first (and probably last post) on this site.....THIS REVIEW IS HORRID!!! can't wait for the film itself but...damn!! get over the "gay" references and the 12 year old sexuality references......speak with clarity...The world will be a better place...

  • May 2, 2003, 12:16 a.m. CST

    Why?

    by LabRat

    I have no idea what this review said because I don't want to spoil the movie for myself, but I'm getting tired of holding my sack. Fact of the matter is, the reviewer is an electrified retard on a hotplate. To be quite honest I think this reviewer only submitted his review to try and start a new catchphrase: "I felt like I had thirteen dicks and they

  • May 2, 2003, 12:37 a.m. CST

    Neill Cumpston qualifies as a major discovery

    by drompter

    Sorry...I couldn't...resist... LOL!!! LOL!!! LOL!!!

  • May 2, 2003, 1:11 a.m. CST

    Neill Cumpston should write a book!

    by Demonoid

    This review kicked Hulk in the balls, ate out Jabba the Hutt, and gave Daredevil's dead Dad a chainsaw enima!

  • May 2, 2003, 1:19 a.m. CST

    2nd Reloaded Review!!!!!

    by pumkinHead

    found this at: http://chud.com/board/ubbhtml/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=009908;p=2 "I saw Reloaded this week in Chicago. As far as I could discern between the lines of his schtick, Cumpston saw it as well, but I have no real idea. His vagueness probably has as much to do with the fact that he signed a NDA (as I did) as it does with his whole reviewing "style". Anyway, while I can't really discuss the plot or specific events (which I know doesn't lend credence to the idea that I've seen it) I can discuss my overall impressions of it and how it might meet or fall below certain people's expectations. In short, it is technically amazing, as I'm sure anyone could guess. It truly does push the boundaries of stunts, effects, etc., etc. This is not hype. What it also manages to do is maintain the sense of intelligence and off the cuff bargain basement freshman philosophy course underpinnings that elevated the first one. It does address to me the most important and skimmed over question presented by the first film, that of the relationship between man and machine on a more than good vs. evil level. It doesn't go into as much depth on the subject as someone like Agent Orange would like, however, this idea is juat a flavoring on top of the film's main thrust, which is still, of course, the action. Like the first film, the Wachowskis don't go out of their way to make the main heroes particularly likeable or sympathetic; you won't learn much more about Trinity, Morpheus or Neo than you already knew. But I would argue that they were never interested in these characters as three dimensional people. The W Bros seem to be viewing the Matrix as a two-fold experiment in pop-culture entertainment and pseudo-philosophical technologist debate, and in that they've succeeded gloriously. I was not "moved" by the film the way that one would be by, say, the death of Boromir in FOTR, or the Luke/Vader scene in Empire, but I felt that same "hairs raised on the back of my neck am I really seeing something of this scope and magnitude" that one only gets with the greatest genre films. By comparison, Spider-Man did not do this for me, and the first Matrix, while it came close a couple of times (the first view of the fetus fields, or the final fight between Neo and Smith), never really completely came together either. So, what am I saying about Reloaded in the end? I think for those who simply want to be entertained on a basic, action movie level it will be "the most awesomest thing ever" at least until the next big fanboy film comes along. For those looking to hate it, there will still be criticisms about the lack of character depth or drama. The incredibly philosophically picky (I'm lookin at you, Orange) will still be disappointed in its lack of resemblance to a Philip Dick novel. And for the rest of us, who enjoyed the first one, and hoped the W Bros would expand the scope of the story and the action, while still keeping what worked about the first film, will be completely satisfied. If anyone wants to fire off some questions, shoot. I'll try to be as forthcoming as possible.

  • May 2, 2003, 1:20 a.m. CST

    Another Fett-A-Thon and nobody told me...

    by Supa-SP.com

    Man, that sucks, I would have liked to join in with Fishy, Stan, FtF, and whoever else to gang up on Fett and rape his ass a little. I have to tell ya though, I like granny porn too. But me, I don't stop at 50 year olds, I like em just a bit older then that so that their tits are a little saggy and there is a distinct possibility that I might break a hip if I fuck hard enough. Thats the real deal...even though Michelle Pfeiffer is a smokin still. I can't say I begrudge Stan for likin his ladies older...at least he likes ladies. And yes, Fett, because I'm sure you'll be ready to scream and cheer and beat your chest that you've figured out who I am...I am indeed the same Supernova from those most excellent super secret Facer blogs. I'm the same vile, disgusting man who told BrassMonkey to fuck that whore while her husband was off to war. I'm the same dispicable lacky that talked of fucking your mother while she was giving birth to you and exploding into your newborn mouth. I'm the same piece of shit that almost singlehandedly dismantled The Facer's entire website and slept as soundly that night as I always do. And I'm the same motherfucker that shits in your mom's mouth every monday, wednesday, and friday at 7pm. So here's another, just for fucks sake, but Keep it up, Stan! Good job! Go get him! And I mean that for real, because I get no more entertainment then watching you repeatedly get your ass handed to you and then listen to you go on about how you think you are the one doing the good work. And I also love watching you switch gears in your arguments and contradict yourself over and over again as if you are really actually trying with all your feable mental capacity to make a point. One last thing, I'm the same Supernova that started www.scorched-planet.blogspot.com for those of you who enjoyed Facer's site and want to keep living that life. No message board yet as we are just getting started, but I encourage you to stop by and drop me an email. If you like let me know, if you hate, tell me what you'd do different. www.scorched-planet.blogspot.com And Fett is a raging man-fucking homosexual.

  • May 2, 2003, 1:44 a.m. CST

    CAR CHASE SCENE

    by MATRIXNEO515

    THE SCENE IS GOING TO LAST 14 MINUTES. AND ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT IT IS GOING TO BE ABSOLUTELY AWESOME!!! THEY SPENT SEVEN WEEKS FILMING JUST THIS SEGMENT. IF YOU WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THE CHASE AND SOMEMORE ABOUT THE FILM THERE IS A LINK ON THE OFFICIAL MATRIX WEBSTIE CALLED PRODUCTION NOTES. LOTS OF NEWS IN THERE BUT BECAREFUL THERE ARE SOME "SPOILERS". THE MATRIX HAS YOU

  • May 2, 2003, 2:28 a.m. CST

    Matrix: Loved by Nerds and for Nerds of the WORLD!!!

    by Bong

    This article sums up the Matrix phenomenon so well http://slate.msn.com/id/2082400/ let me paste a few insightful quotes: "But none of these explanations is sufficient. The real source of the fascination with The Matrix is that, despite all appearances, the movie is not a dystopia. Rather, it's a utopia, a geek paradise. The Matrix is a sci-fi John Hughes movie, in which a misfit learns that he's actually cool. (Think Harry Potter with guns.)" "As Alan Dean Foster puts it in Exploring the Matrix, an anthology of essays by science-fiction writers, Neo is "Everynerd": "His perceived world is a sham, a mistake, a carefully crafted fake, and you know, deep down, that yours is, too." But the movie has a special appeal to that subset of misfit, the computer geek. When we first see Neo, he's living alone in his cramped apartment, staying up all night on his computer. He's a programmer by day and a computer hacker by night. When he is rescued from his miserable existence, he discovers that he and his friends can learn anything

  • if this stupid moron likes it then I have my doubts

  • May 2, 2003, 2:42 a.m. CST

    What an incoherent train wreck - completly unfunny.

    by desslok

    Gave up about six dirty words into the "review" (sic) - which means I read about 12 words total. I could bang my head on the keyboard a couple of times and spit out a better piece of crap.

  • May 2, 2003, 2:46 a.m. CST

    Well, look at the bright side: This was still better than any of

    by jules windex

    X2 will OWN Matrix 2 and 3. I'm gonna go to sleep now so I can get up tomorrow and go see the summer's best movie.

  • May 2, 2003, 3:04 a.m. CST

    This Guy Is A Fucking Idiot.

    by xrose

    I have no doubt in my mind that this movie is going to be great. But the guy reviewing is a fucking idiot.

  • May 2, 2003, 3:04 a.m. CST

    Maybe I'm just tired. . .

    by Heffaloo

    ... but I didn't find that the least bit amusing. Call me crazy, but I appreciate occasional grammar and punctuation. I feel like he needs to be slapped and sterilized so nothing like him ever happens again.

  • May 2, 2003, 3:34 a.m. CST

    H F S

    by hyper-psycho

    HAHAHA ... this is great ... I cant wait to see this ... woooT

  • May 2, 2003, 3:42 a.m. CST

    Look, I Can't Believe All oyu Dorks are Getting Worked Up Over

    by pencil-man

    What's up?, I mean it comes out in like 2 weeks and you all want to complain, look at the Big Picture. Harry, tell them.

  • May 2, 2003, 4:48 a.m. CST

    Jesus this guy is some funckin retard

    by Dave Dasterdly

    i wish i could rewrite the main topic title on the main page. It would read "this retarded 13 yr old sent us a review of Matrix reloaded but theres no poing in reading it, here is something alot more realted to the matrix sequal though.... Fuckety fuck wank shit piss titty tit cunt tit fuck arse fuck shitty booby bum!!! enjoy!!"

  • ...cause this sure wasn't it.

  • May 2, 2003, 6:05 a.m. CST

    Obvious

    by Martydownunder

    It is becoming increasingly obvious that this web site is being manipulated by the major Hollywood studios whether Harry knows about it or not to spread positive word of mouth about their film, no matter how bad it is. I don't think I have read any bad review of a blockbuster Hollywood flick here. If this is true then it's a shame because we need opinions and voices independent of the Hollywood machine!

  • May 2, 2003, 6:15 a.m. CST

    Matrix Review??

    by Captain Klutz

    Who know what words like "anomaly" and "exile" mean? People with more than two brain cells, YOU ILLITERATE MORON.

  • May 2, 2003, 6:24 a.m. CST

    I'm looking for 'FINAL FLIGHT OF THE OSIRIS' full video

    by ash540

  • May 2, 2003, 6:28 a.m. CST

    IMBECILE!!!

    by Captain Klutz

    Truely the most feeble review ever on this site. And thats saying something.

  • Snaga-ape not decide which more pathetic, this "review" or pretentious surface-monkey's who say "Oh, this is a witty and humorous metaphor and you others need to lighten up!" Give us break one time. Snaga-ape hear funnier stream of concious from depressed dung beetles. This rock head who write review must have head hard-wired to everypornosite.com as it seem to be all that fill his head. Matrix movie was enjoyable on many level but it not second coming of Son-O-God. Snaga-ape guess that movies where "reviewer" get his philisophy on life. I go sneak up-surface to see this in spite of this pile of maggot vomit review. Snaga-ape also scared Harry think this worth posting but then I am only worthless snaga and what do snaga know?

  • May 2, 2003, 8:35 a.m. CST

    Maybe this will be a great movie after all

    by Mr Jingles

    If salaciousness in the review is an indicator for the quality of the movie then Matrix Reloaded must be excellent. After Harry's Blade II review and Neil's review of X2, which were quite original, and then seeing the movies (Blade II was magnificent and X2, which I saw Wednesday night here in Germany and which really is all it's hyped up to be)I'm really getting my hopes up for this movie. However, I still don't think that's the way that reviews should be going.

  • May 2, 2003, 9:15 a.m. CST

    Gay-trix Regurgitated

    by Ninja Nerd

    If that was a review, which I doubt, it does accurately describe a goofy, "why the hell should I care" plot loosely stapled onto a series of upscale wire-fu scenes. At some level, you have to suspend disbelief for any movie, but The Matrix was stupid beyond my ability to do that. I will wait for the moronic "RE" sequels to hit cable so I can turn them off when I feel the need to blow chunks at the screen.

  • May 2, 2003, 9:17 a.m. CST

    This guy's review...

    by Blue_In_The_Face

    Can be summarized like this: "The Matrix kicks gives you a blow job while fucking you in the ass with a John Holmes dildo then and slaps you in the face with a shovel when you are comming then crackels a whip in your back while eating Jell-O pudding." That's the extent of it. I want to review a movie and use all kinds of hyperboles like that too! Is fun! I would like to review the Hulk by saying: "Hulk is not only incredible but the big green guy jumps out the movie scree grabs you by the nuts shits on your popcorn hurls you around until you beg him to stop and once you think he's done he will step on your back and break your spine while he eats the same popcorn that he laid a giant gamma shit in!" There you go! I'm done reviewing! Harry fix the post, is fucked up that you have to scroll sidewasy to read everything!

  • May 2, 2003, 9:21 a.m. CST

    I just read this again...

    by AliceInWonderlnd

    And if anything, I am even more blown away by its comedic genius than I was before. I wish I had written this. I really do. "This movie is tits!". That rocks, dude. I'd apply this phrase generically to my everyday life if I weren't so scared of getting fired.

  • May 2, 2003, 9:45 a.m. CST

    out!!of!!cum!!

    by splat

    I just read this guys review for the third time and I'm still laughing. Anyone who hates Cumpston will feel my wrath!!!!!!!!!!! 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10

  • May 2, 2003, 11:11 a.m. CST

    Hilarious

    by Funcoflipper

    The entire review can be summed up as "What a fantastic movie!" ....But it sure was a colorful review.. I loved it.

  • May 2, 2003, 11:46 a.m. CST

    So fucking what

    by Glass

    Neill isn't William Shakespeare, so what? He's funny, he gives a good rendition in writing of the fantasy world he lives in, and you get a good vibe of what the film is like. And I have to disagree, I don't think the review was filled with spoilers. It was well done. More importantly, this movie will rock. And who fucked up the talkback?

  • May 2, 2003, 2:17 p.m. CST

    best review i've ever read... in the history of ever

    by jamawalk

    that guy should be working for the new york times, or perched next to that fat-fatty roger ebert... that's hands down the best review ive ever read...ever. shit.

  • May 2, 2003, 4:13 p.m. CST

    Give this guy a TV show

    by Shayde

    Oh my... I can't tell you how I stopped convulsing in laughter after reading this. Its the most profanely beautiful piece of art I've ever seen. "the beating feels like summer and Halloween and Cheetos at the same time." Pure poetry.

  • May 2, 2003, 4:36 p.m. CST

    very funny

    by DocPazuzu

    You people need to lighten up if you take that as a serious movie review. There will be enough of those in the days to come. In the meantime, enjoy Mr. Cumpston's chaos. And, if you liked that, head on over to the "Night of the Creeps" film review site for some of the funniest reviews of horror movies ever written -- very much in a similar vein: zombie.dreamhost.com

  • If its some marketing ploy...what a failure..what retard decided on that??? How could any sane rational person write garbage like that? Did some stupid idiot actually think this review would attract viewers???? If you're going to dumb down a review to attract a larger demographic, at least make it cool and interesting. After reading this crap I've totally lost my interest in the films. To use the asshole's language" FUCK the freakin movie! And I'm sick and tired of that (here we go again) assmunch Joel Silver come on every show and boast that this movie has the greatest effects and no one will ever make a movie that compares. What a sack of shit. Yea that agent jumping on cars on the freeway suuuurrrreee looks real to me. I'll just wait until it comes out on DVD...I'll put my money on Hulk or X2

  • So there.

  • May 2, 2003, 5:12 p.m. CST

    Great Review--But Trinity Dies???

    by Homer Sexual

    Ok, that review got me even more psyched-if possible-than I was before. But I am worried about the "someone dies" comment. I haven't seen any evidence that Trinity is in Part 3, which made me wonder if my favorite Matrix resident was going to die in Part 2, and now "someone dies?" Please tell me it isn't Trinity.

  • May 2, 2003, 5:12 p.m. CST

    Jeezus H Chist, man, calm down!

    by azrielen

    I'm excited about the movie too, but that was possibly the most horrendous thing I've ever read. Thanks for coughing up the review, Neil, but seriously. Some of that was pretty offensive. But thanks again anyway. I'm still stoked as all hell...

  • i mean that kind of review doesn`t really serve as a review...it serves as some entertaining piece of pulp phrases. and i`ve to agree with some of you ...it`s pretty funny that "review"

  • May 2, 2003, 5:26 p.m. CST

    by sharon needles

    Hey gang, go ahead and get those fire-ant-ridden sticks out of your collective cunts. His writing style is SATIRICAL and PURPOSELY OVER-THE-TOP and HYPERBOLIC and all those other big words that heavy intellectuals bandy about. And if he doesn't reveal major plot details it's because everyone who has seen the movie thus far has had to sign contracts to not reveal too much. Remember when he revealed that BIG FAT X2 spoiler and you all fell on your snatches and cried?

  • May 2, 2003, 5:26 p.m. CST

    by farmboy

  • May 2, 2003, 6:11 p.m. CST

    homer sexual...

    by fettitular

    No. Trinity does not die. She can be seen in the superbowl trailer in Club Hell with morpheus and seraph, which takes place in revolutions.

  • May 2, 2003, 6:54 p.m. CST

    Neill, you make me laugh

    by BillyShakes

    Thank you for the review. It's nice to read something that isn't all pretentious Film Student Bullshit. This is an ACTION movie, folks! DON'T overexamine it, DON'T try to read deeper meaning into it, just enjoy it like Neill did. pax

  • May 3, 2003, 2:36 a.m. CST

    Jeffrey Wells loves Neil Cumpston

    by Dan_Average

    http://www.moviepoopshoot.com/elsewhere/71.html

  • May 3, 2003, 5:15 a.m. CST

    "Murphus and Trinity free this Key Dude and fight these Edgar Wi

    by A Winner Is You

    Obscure references = goldmine. As has been previously noted, this dude seriously needs to hook up with Seanbaby, and the world would be a much nicer place...

  • May 3, 2003, 11:01 a.m. CST

    Don't know how the film will be, but the trailer before X2 had m

    by TheGinger Twit

  • May 3, 2003, 1:21 p.m. CST

    who was

    by frank cotton

    the fuckwit that stretched out the talkback?

  • May 4, 2003, 7:10 a.m. CST

    Take a red pill and chill

    by Nuliz

    I was laughing and going " what da hell " when I read the review. I could tell he did see the film because it coincided with the new production notes on the Matrix's official site, which was up after this review. At a closer look, the incoherent review was very calculated, any time a secret could be revealed he either didn't "freakin get it", or it was "like sex on drugs", without actual description. And anything he did reveal, was also later posted at the official site. Now, a guy who thinks and talks the way he wrote the review, could not pull a stunt like that. I don't believe he seriously found the plot boring. He was just saying that to appeal to the audience who actually talk like the way he wrote, i.e. audience who don't care jack shiet about Matrix's references to philosophy, mythology and religion. He did that because the studio already knows that anyone who is attracted to this fresh and modern mythical epic will be there to catch it on the big screen. He definitely saw the movie, but the review on the story is obviously a very calculated lie, to keep the plot's secrets and to attract people who demands minimal plot with heavy loaded action.

  • ...then you are a moron and should be beaten with a flaming snow shovel until you admit what a boob you were.

  • May 6, 2003, 11:43 a.m. CST

    I think Neill Cumpston's...

    by Wilko

    ...really Moriarty! I think he's just reacting to people who think his reviews are too highbrow! And if it ain't then, fuck it, it's funny as hell...

  • May 6, 2003, 6:27 p.m. CST

    Forget Matrix, Forget X2, the summer will...

    by GammaRay

    belong to the HULK. You hear it first. Matrix review was dead on. This movie is start becoming the phantom menance (lots of Hype, bad review, and bad words of mouth). The Hulk on the the other hand will be the next spiderman and destroy whoever and whatever crosses his path. Matrix revolution might az well delay for another year until they get it right az that will be destroy by Return of the King. You Matrix slave bitches just have to accept reality because there is no such thing az the Matrix. "Hulk bitch slap that Bill and Ted guy and send him flying for real"

  • May 9, 2003, 7:48 a.m. CST

    Can't fucking wait

    by Hazuki

  • May 9, 2003, 7:55 a.m. CST

    There's gonna be some on-screen ass-kicking

    by Hazuki

    Can't wait to see this movie. Action packed, sci-fi, special fucking effects, martial arts, superpower-movies rule the world, baby! X2 was a slight dissapointment, not because of the story but because of the lack of action. After reading this preview, I'm absolutely sure this is gonna be a orgasm-like rush!! Hail to the Wachowsky-brothers! It's real-life manga with a good script, it's the matrix!

  • May 15, 2003, 2:02 p.m. CST

    the above review is completely real

    by Ohio813

    the above review is completely real

  • May 18, 2003, 6:13 a.m. CST

    Perfect

    by Deadmeat

    Before seeing the movie this review may have seemed incoherant and crazy although very funny....but now I know that the movie could not be described any other way. My eyes never left the screen and my mouth was dry it hung open so often. When I lose count of how many times I want to scream "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" then I know I just saw a sweet ass film.

  • May 24, 2003, 4:54 a.m. CST

    Last

    by scudworth

    Neill Cumpston, you are a god......please god contrinute regularly...... Matrix Reloaded was fucking awesome, sure its not the first one and dosn't break as much ground as the first but Neo beating the shit out of all those Lord Elronds is worth the price of admission alone....

  • Aug. 4, 2003, 1:57 p.m. CST

    $280 million can't be wrong!

    by T-MACK 1.01

    IT WAST TITS!

  • Feb. 3, 2010, 10:07 a.m. CST

    abcdefhgijklmnopqrstuvwxyzABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ123456789098

    by Mr. Pricklepants

    Yeah?

  • April 7, 2010, 6:53 a.m. CST

    ah 2003

    by The_Crimson_King

    what a year that was