Mean Mr Mustard thrashes TOUGH LOVE (aka GIGLI) aka that B.Lo project!
Hey folks, Harry here... Wanna hear a miserable experience? One of those disaster things that you can't help, but laugh because while you can't believe it is true, you just know that it is? Well this is one of those. Miramax, I would listen to what Mean Mr Mustard suggests about releasing JERSEY GIRL prior to the release of this film... You don't want to have people confusing the horror of this experience with what Kevin has in store for us.
Mean Mr. Mustard here, and boy, am I pissed off right now. Why? We'll I thought that the pain and suffering that was Matchstick Men a few months back was about as low as this year could get in Hollywood filmmaking. Oh boy was I wrong. At least that film, with all its major flaws is releasable. But tonight I was one of the lucky few to see a test screening of a film that is so bad, so god awful, and so painful to sit through that I seriously think it's flat out unreleasable. The film…Tough Love. Haven't heard of it? Well that may be because it use to be called Gigli. Yes, the film with J. Lo, Ben, and a retard (forgive me if I'm not being Mr. Sensitive wile I vent out my frustrations). It doesn't matter what this film is called, or how many more title changes it will likely go through before it's finally released, it still an unreleasable PIECE OF SHIT! And to prove my point, I did some research on the films release date, and for some reason, it keeps on getting pushed back. It was originally scheduled for November, 2002, then December, 2002, then it moved to May 9th, 2003, then to July 11th, 2003, now it's scheduled for August 1st, 2003.
Before I actually review the dung, I want to state that I have no grudge against Ben or Jen Lo, nor do I have any scores to settle. I really had no reason going in to the screening not to like the film. I realize how much hard work and time it takes to make a film, and I always keep an open mind going into screenings. I'm just a film buff who just loves movies. But Tough Love unfortunately is what it is, and I'm not going to sugar coat that fact. Beware of lots of spoilers that I am about to reveal, but you will want to thank me later because it will save you the pain and suffering, not to mention your hard earned $10.
Here is the set-up…A NY based gangster is being investigated by the DA of NYC. So he has his people get in touch with a Los Angeles based "contractor" , Larry Gigli (Affleck). Gigli is hired to kidnap the NYC DA's kid brother, Brian (Justin Bartha) who is retarded and resides in a special institution in LA. Gigli does such and brings the kid to his hip LA pad. But the big bosses are afraid that Gigli might fuck up, so they decide to bring in yet another "contractor", Ricki (J.Lo) who shows up at Gigli's pad with lots of attitude and a yoga mat for her workouts. Oh yes, Ricki is also a stone cold DYKE! But Gigli changes that, naturally. And the retard opens up and enjoys life outside of the institution. And that is pretty much the sorry ass synopsis.
Oh yes there are two noteworthy cameos.
Cameo # 1
Christopher Walken has about 5 minutes of screen time as a detective who is grilling Gigli. No surprise that it's only 5 minutes in the film that is alive. Walken comes in, does his thing, has the one and only good line in the film (he looks at Ricki then to Gigli and says to Gigli "so who's the fish taco"?) and leaves.
Cameo # 2
Towards the end, we get to meet Mr. NY based gangster who has flown to LA to meet with his "contractors". And it is Al "HAM" Pacino with a pony tail (if my memory is correct, the last time Pacino had a pony tail on screen was that revolutionary war film that almost ended his career) basically being Al "HAM" Pacino.
When Mr. HAM was introduced, a woman who was sitting a few rows in front of me blurted out a loud "what the fuck" to the screen. I had the exact same feeling.
It's no surprise that Al is over the top, loud, and obnoxious. At one point he's even screaming and repeating at the top of his lungs "I'm Floating here". Al, you've been floating with this shtick for too long now, take a chill! The main problem with cameo # 2 is that all of the sudden, Ben and J. Lo's film turns into Al's showstopper.
But there are many, many more problems with this film, and lots of it is the screenplay that is actually credited to the film's director Martin Brest (Meet Jo Black, Scent Of A Women, Midnight Run, Beverly Hills Cop). The retard has a thing for The Peoples Court, OPPS wrong movie, I mean Baywatch. And he has a habit of repeating "who's on first…" OPPS wrong movie, I mean rap lyrics at inappropriate moments. You get where this is going.
At the mid point, we are introduced to Ricki's female ex-lover, and before we even get to know this character, she attempts suicide in a grisly scene that's totally out of place in the film. If you are going to have a suicide scene in a film, it should at least in some way help to develop the characters. In The Royal Tennebaums for example, Richie's suicide attempt brought the family together, and made Margot realize her love for Ritchie. The grisly suicide scene in Tough Love is nothing more than a plot devise to get Gigli, Ricki, and the retard to the hospital to have a comedic scene set in the hospital's morgue. Ricki's ex-lover is never seen or mentioned again. HELLO, a fucking broken toe could have just as easily gotten these characters to the hospital!
And the dialog! Tough Love has some of the most truly god-awful dialog ever heard on screen. Ricki has a 5 minute monolog about "my pussy" which is even more degrading and embarrassing than Liz Berkley's "I am not whore…" speech in Showgirls. I'm actually surprised that J. Lo didn't take a stand and say to Brest… "you don't really expect me to say those lines, do you?" unless that scene was improved by J. Lo, in which case, the editor should have taken a stand…"you don't really expect to leave in that scene, do you?"
And the animal cracker scene from Armageddon has been toped. It doesn't get any worse than this folks….
It's time to baste the turkey
You heard me.
This is so fuck'ed up
(they make love)
I can go on and on about the script, but I think you get the idea.
And the acting. Folks, if we fast forward to the end of 2003, then there is no doubt in my mind that Ben and J. Lo will walk away with Razzies for their performances (and this POS has to be a front runner for worst picture). Ben plays Gigli with a tough guy NY Chazz Palminteri dialect that goes in and out and in and out. To call his performance inconsistent would be an understatement. J. Lo on the other hand is the exact opposite. Every word, phrase, and line out of her mouth, whether it's coming on to Gigli, comforting the retard, standing up to Pacino, or that really embarrassing "pussy" monolog is said in the exact same low pitched smokey monotone. Clint Eastwood could get away with this style because his face and eyes say everything his voice doesn't but J. Lo, WHAT IN THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? And Justin Bartha. He looked to Hollywood (he's a dead ringer for Joaquin Phoenix) and I never believed, not for one minute that he was retarded. Can you same thing about Arnie from "What's Eating Gilbert Grape". NO, and what made that film work was that you never, ever once believed that an actor was "playing" retarded in that role. That is why DiCaprio got nominated for an oscar and that film and his performance in it is why he became the star he is today.
Oh, and I need to rant about the score…the fuckers stole Hans Zimmer's brilliant score from True Romance and placed it all over this film. Now, yes it's a test screening, and I know that they use temp sound tracks from time to time, but I don't think it's the case here because too many scenes seemed to have been edited in-time to the famous melody (dum dum de-de-de dum de-de-de dum de-de dum) almost too perfectly, as if this is the finished score to the film. I loved that melody and score so much, but every time I herd it in Tough Love, every time that xylophone kicked in-I wanted to scream. YOU ARE RAPEING ONE OF THE GREAT UNDERAPPRECIATED SCORES IN FILM HISTORY. FUCKERS!
Can I say anything at all, one good thing about this film? Um , I did, Walken's five minutes, and that's it.
This film is unreleasable at it's current state, no question about it, but it will be released someday and I'm afraid that Revolution Studios and Columbia Pictures marketing campaign will be to market Ben and J. Lo non-stop all summer long (bus adds, billboards, posters on every street corner and trailers in front of every summer blockbuster) and that this POS will have a $50 million opening (out of curiosity) and go over $100 million. If that is the case, it will be a +$100 million dollar hit in the same way that Wild Wild West was a +$100 million dollar hit. Don't be fooled! Seabiscuit will be in it's 2nd week of release if they stick to the Aug. 1st release date for Tough Love and I can't think of better justice than to see a film staring a horse beat out J. Lo and Ben that weekend.
And on that note, a closing and cautionary note to Miramax and Kevin Smith. Do whatever you can to get Jersey Girl out in theaters before Tough Love. I enjoy Kevin Smiths films, and I think he may just be one of the best writers working in film today, but any genius that is in Jersey Girl, if it has Affleck's best performance, if it tunes out to be Smith's Annie Hall, will be greatly diminished if it follows Tough Love. Everyone will be suckered into seeing Tough Love, it will gross $100 million, everyone will agree it was one of the greatest catastrophes of the year, if not the history of film, Jersey Girl will follow and good or bad, it will gross $25 million because no one will ever want to see Ben and J. Lo together again. GET JERSEY GIRL OUT FIRST!!! NOW!!! Not after this turkey Tough Love.
Mean Mr. Mustard out.
PS, let me know if I set the record for the longest review.
Readers Talkbackcomments powered by Disqus
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March 28, 2003, 9:02 a.m. CST
by Thin Red
Get Jersey Girl out ASAP! mind you, if the test screenings go as they are, they may wait for another dump slot, and push it back further.
March 28, 2003, 9:05 a.m. CST
And I hope you aren't right about this crapfest ruining the numbers for Jersey Girl b/c Smith has stated that contractually Jersey Girl has to come out after Gigli, or whatever they end up calling it.
March 28, 2003, 9:15 a.m. CST
Or are they counting on it for some publicity? Cause it seems to me that the only column inches this will get will be due to a campaign to get it dumped straight to video.
March 28, 2003, 9:21 a.m. CST
That "True Romance" Hans Zimmer xylophone "dum de de de dum" music of which you're so enamoured was used previously in Terence Malick's "Badlands" and was NOT written by Zimmer. Judging from the soundtrack listing on imdb.com for Badlands it's probably "Musica Poetica" by Carl Orff and Gunild Keetman. Not the only thing Scott and Tarantino stole from Malick's infinitely superior film.
March 28, 2003, 9:34 a.m. CST
Also, I don't have to read this review to know that the review is poorly written and that Walrus demands that Mean Mr. Mustard change his pseudonym, which is affront to all Beatle fans everywhere.
March 28, 2003, 9:46 a.m. CST
It really pisses me off when someone bangs on about original works when if you look closer you can see it's been done before and done better. The fact that True Romance is basically a remake of Badlands just irritates me more.
March 28, 2003, 11:13 a.m. CST
Seriously. I mean, I'm sure this movie is a gigantic steaming pile of Seabiscuit shit, but come on... I'll wait to read a review from somebody who knows a little more about film. True Romance, original score? Christ. Badlands is a classic, in every sense of the word. That music was the first thing in a long line of problems that I had with True Romance. Next "Tough Love" reviewer, please.
March 28, 2003, 11:21 a.m. CST
And don't think it's because JERSEY GIRL isn't done. It's finished (and has been for a while). The reason why Miramax hasn't released it yet or, hell, why it isn't even on their "official" release schedule is because GIGLI has to come out first. It's a contractual thing. So, technically, if GIGLI gets pushed back yet again we won't be seeing CHASING AMY until 2004. I know it sucks but that's just the way it goes sometimes...
March 28, 2003, 11:32 a.m. CST
by Some Dude
March 28, 2003, 11:39 a.m. CST
Incidently, I'm really not looking forward to Kevin Smith's Jersey Girl. I used to love his movies - Clerks and Mallrats especially - but i dunno - seems like the same old people, in the same old shit - minus the funny ultra-swearing. What's Jason Mewes doing these days - besides trying to stay out of prison.
March 28, 2003, 12:01 p.m. CST
by Captain Katanga
i remember when i saw true romance thinking "i cant believe how much this music rips off badlands!".... Is it actually the exact same music? how was that allowed?
March 28, 2003, 1:33 p.m. CST
Isn't the music referred to here Mike Oldfield's "Tubular Bells"? A very famous track, it's one of those that's been used in about 500 movies, like Orff's "O Fortuna".
March 28, 2003, 1:35 p.m. CST
March 28, 2003, 2:09 p.m. CST
by A Winner Is You
A few weeks ago, he was slumming it at a second rate comic book store next to a Chuck E. Cheese in Nashville. He was signing autographs, and I saw a line of what looked to be about a bazillions dudes and chicks dressed EXACTLY like Jay, waiting to get his John Hancock. It was kinda pathetic. Apparently, he was in town filming something... but who knows. Regardless, that's a pretty big step down, if ya ask me. But, you didn't. Over and out.
March 28, 2003, 3:47 p.m. CST
Man that's depressing. This is the man who walked away with the High Times Best Supporting Actor award in 2000! How the mighty have fallen. And yet, somehow life seems to grind on....
March 28, 2003, 3:58 p.m. CST
by Cash Bailey
But who gives a shit, the movie sucks no matter what you call it.
March 28, 2003, 4:12 p.m. CST
Not too often does a sex scene have se (probably bad and phony Hollywood sex) and gobbling like turkeys in the same scene. For that big reason, and the other reasons given, I will avoid this at all costs. God, it's so hard to watch Christopher Walken with all the crap he appears in that's not worth sitting through to see him (except for The Deer Hunter and Catch Me if You Can, of course)
March 28, 2003, 10:54 p.m. CST
by the G-man
I think Ben and Jen are going to go down as a classic in the annals of celebrity couples who shouldn't have worked together (topping, perhaps, Madonna and Guy Ritchie?).
March 29, 2003, 3 p.m. CST
It is almost troma worthy, dear lord. That monolog sounds like the worst thing ever. Christ, a lesbian hitman, yeah that could really happen. God, I'm also totally sick of loveable tards in movies. They oughta go ahead and release it direct to video just like swept away.
March 29, 2003, 10:49 p.m. CST
by gertrude perkins
Tomboy beanpole plant!
March 30, 2003, 11 a.m. CST
by Lance Rock
March 30, 2003, 8:59 p.m. CST
This sounds like a complete disaster. So it should make tons of money. Or not as the case may be. Lopez should not be allowed to act. She had one decent movie in her, the one with George Clooney.
March 31, 2003, 4:33 a.m. CST
Not that I ever thought this movie would be good or that I would have gone to see it even without this review (I think both J.LO and Affleck are two of the top teh worst actors around)...What depresses me is that they actually wasted the money on this piece of shit. There is NO HOPE
March 31, 2003, 12:55 p.m. CST
Newman and Redford. What do we get? Affleck and Damon. Screw you. You bought him, now you get to live with him like an inbred Cocker Spaniel that seizures.
March 31, 2003, 1:53 p.m. CST
Mentally challendjfdsjfsdkjf; Mentally chakldjfajdf; Mentally chdkjfdkj; Mentasdkljfsdalkjf. Damn, I just can't type that PC bullshit. I guess I'm retarded.
March 31, 2003, 4:36 p.m. CST
WHO GIVES A SHIT..... Lopez used to work her stuff in fine flicks until she became a"toothpaste" Affleck has always been a booooore!!!!!!!
April 1, 2003, 1:56 p.m. CST
I very much enjoyed finally reading an honest appraisal of a movie destined to be (at least OUGHT to be)a total flop. I believe, however, that the venom spat forth by Mr. Mustard would benefit from a short detour through a spell-check before being broadcast to thousands. I am not embarrassed for him by his obvious vehement love of movies, nor for his getting all tied in a knot over a movie that hasn't yet even been released. No, I am embarrassed for him because his point was many times lost due to poor grammer and improperly spelled words. Should that hurdle be passed (or, as Mr. Mustard would say, past), I know his better writing would lend even more credence to his movie critiques.
April 1, 2003, 2 p.m. CST
I say, call 'em special.
April 1, 2003, 2:05 p.m. CST
I say call 'em 'special'.
April 1, 2003, 11:06 p.m. CST
Anything we wrote would either get ignored or stolen - better luck with a Lotto ticket. No wonder so many of them (rot in hell Don Simpson) are fucked up - deep down they know they have no talent and that they only survive by keeping out anyone who might. Keeps the Scientologist well funded. I disagree with Mustard about how this will do. It will have a decent first week but will fade fast when WOM (word of mouth) crushes it in the US. Of course the stupid foreigners will eat it up.
April 2, 2003, 1:50 a.m. CST
you ar right. jersey girl should come out first. i saw a test screening as well and tough love is in trouble. by releasing jersey girl first... it may actualy pul this debacle out of the mud. as is right now, i wouldn't let my retaded first grade brother see tough love and expect him to enjoy it (and to him everyting ben affleck touchs turns to gold. he loved daredevil)
April 2, 2003, 9:08 a.m. CST
This whole experience has been what the Germans (who can hopefully spell it better than me) call "Schadenfreude". I love reading articles about this project because there is something about watching multi-millionaire jerks humiliate themselves in ten foot high celluloid that just lights a warm little blaze in my heart. I still haven't seen "Swept Away", though - I'm saving it up for some day when I'm REALLY down.
April 2, 2003, 7:01 p.m. CST
I am wondering which is more painful...the thought of sitting through this movie or trying to weed through Mr. Mustard's poorly written review? Yikes.
April 2, 2003, 8:39 p.m. CST
Zimmer totally ripped off the music from Badlands. So don't give me "YOU ARE RAPEING ONE OF THE GREAT UNDERAPPRECIATED SCORES IN FILM HISTORY. FUCKERS!" It undermines your cred as a self-professed "film buff".
April 5, 2003, 10:22 a.m. CST
Sounds absolutely horrible. Thanks for the heads up, but it's extremely unlikely that I'd watch a Ben & Jenny movie anyway. What makes Jersey Girl better?
April 5, 2003, 10:33 a.m. CST
Just as a note, I think that film reviewers that trash movies for a living should bother to learn the difference between "to" and "too", and learn to spell words like "oops", "rapist" and "topped". You can go ahead and ban me for criticizing you. For a "writer", your writing is surprisingly bad.
April 5, 2003, 11:35 a.m. CST
I appreciate the warning that you gave everyone, but I might be tempted to put a little more stock in the article if the author sounded like he knew what he was talking about. Misspelling words like "monologue" gives me the idea that he doesn't understand the terminology really well, so why should I trust him when he's talking about this kind of stuff? Also, when he mentions the movie "The Royal Tenenbaums," he spells the name Richie two different ways in the same sentence. And who the hell doesn't know how to spell OOPS? What the fuck is this OPPS shit? Find someone who can actually spell, and maybe I'll start taking you seriously.
April 5, 2003, 12:58 p.m. CST
it doesn't take a genius to figure out this would be a bomb ,I mean I like ben sorta...his big head throws me off but has jlo ever had a good movie?..and being from castle hill in the bronx, I feel j.ho oops......j.lo totally misrepresents us....HOLLA!!
April 5, 2003, 5:25 p.m. CST
OK, regardless of who it is playing the roles in this movie, it sounds as if it is simply a twisted and crude remake of rainman. I don't personally hate either Ben or J-Lo, although I do think Ben to be the better actor. But because so many of our now "popular" movies are cheap rip-offs of movies we loved and adored in the 80's/early 90's, why does it surprise you that Hollywood would steal a script and music from atleast 3 high grossing films to try and push the new "power couple" on us, the audience? Bitch all you want, this is just the beginning.
April 5, 2003, 10:03 p.m. CST
i werk fer aint it cool i dont no how to spell or right; and my punctuation "blous"! You need to fire these lame ass writers, get a college graduate or at least someone with a GED. The site design and layout is nothing close to appealing, neat, fluid and pleasing to the eye. (Hey writers did you learn about parrallel structure?) And, what is this garbage "Post away, but remember: you're our guest, you're using OUR bandwidth for free, so please don't be a bastard. Blatant abuse, personal attacks, OFF-TOPIC BS, cross-posting, blatant advertising, and hate speech are all fodder for deletion. In other words, being a jerkwad loser will get you banned. Another thing that'll get you banned is complaining about being deleted." Who in the hell is your webmaster? Adolf Hitler!? Anyone can bash a movie, just as I showed anyone can bash this sorry site, get real and grow up.
April 6, 2003, 10:11 a.m. CST
The review was good, thanks for saving me $10 but I was wondering if you would hire me as your editor. Your spelling is not too good....don't worry, I am not trashing you, just making an observation....
April 6, 2003, 10:27 a.m. CST
I think that Mr M. needs to take spelling lessons!!! Maybe he should also GET A LIFE!!!!! Do you ever just watch a movie for a little R & R? Do we always need to watch a movie and then take it apart? I think that the job title "movie critic" was created to give people with no intelligence something to do!!!!
April 6, 2003, 12:32 p.m. CST
Well, I would not have gone to see it anyways... J.Lo can't sing OR act! She is just a dancer and someone somewhere knew if they pumped her up with a bunch of money, her ego would carry her through.
April 6, 2003, 1:50 p.m. CST
Ok, I totally agree with everything that Mean Mr. Mustard has to say about Tough Love, but what's up with all the spelling errors? Some of us out here would be happy to edit it for you. I don't wanna be bitchy but then you'll have some more credibility w/ the folks out there in movie review land. p.s. what's up with the name of the movie anyway? Tough Love? Where did that come from???
April 6, 2003, 2:01 p.m. CST
Say it like it is, brotha! Where does Hollywood get off forcing scheisse like this down our throats? I do recommend that when you write such fabulous and scathing reviews that you use your freakin' SPELLCHECK! Peace
April 6, 2003, 5:20 p.m. CST
who cares about spellin.....the man just saved ya 10 bucks
April 6, 2003, 5:47 p.m. CST
hey im a big smith fan and im think of making my own movie.. well soon hopefully im only 15 adn over summer it will be made with a 300 dollar cam.well n e ways about "tough love" its soud awful i think i could make better adn i honestly hope jersey girl does comoeout first cause if its a smith movie like mr. mean mustard said "he is one of the best writers and dirctor there is." i learn'd from him and watching his movies from clerks to jay and silent bob strike backe there all good and i hope to be as good as him well tough love sound more pitty than i imagined i justg hopr jeresy girl does come out first.thats it from the new movie-man
April 6, 2003, 6:58 p.m. CST
Mean Mr. Mustard- I really enjoyed your review of TL/Gigli, a movie that was bound to suck. By the by, wasn't Ben already in a movie where a lesbian fell for him? He's not that great looking. Anyhoo, I wanted to ask you guys though if anyone edits your stuff before it goes onto your website. You had so many spelling, grammer, etc, mistakes it was really hard to read sometimes. All you would have to do for most of it would be to hit spell chech and read it out loud to yourself before posting it. Just wanted to let ya know, you probably dont care, but from a journalism major it is just hard to read with all the mistakes. Otherwise, cool you had a lot of really great stuff to say about it. Have fun. R
April 6, 2003, 8:16 p.m. CST
I enjoyed the hell out of your review, however I am disappointed to say the least that you didn't take the time out to spell check and/or grammar check your review before posting it. In terms of sentence structure, spelling, and the English language in general, this review may be rivaling the movie in it's lack of attention to detail and consistency. The fact that you were capable of spelling catastrophe correctly but unable to spell raping (your version "RAPEING") has got to be humiliating and a just-cause for someone not to take the review seriously. I suggest that you take a little time out before committing your review to publication and either have a friend read it or run it through a spelling and grammar check in Microsoft
April 6, 2003, 10:30 p.m. CST
Froofroo, If you are going to write a response slamming someones spelling, you might want to spell correctly yourself. It's g-r-a-m-m-A-r, not grammer.
April 7, 2003, 12:12 a.m. CST
HAHAHAHA!! And people say I'm a bitch. Can I just say that I absolutely love your reviewing style. I was laughing for about 10 minutes. Anyways, thanks for saving me and my 10 bucks from this movie. I think it was the turkey dialogue that killed me. Now, it sounds like I'd rather have dental surgery without novacain than see this piece a crap movie. Muchas gracias!!
July 29, 2003, 7:25 p.m. CST
This is funny, funny stuff: http://www.theonion.com/onion3929/gigli_focus_groups.html