Movie News

Moriarty Reviews ALL THE REAL GIRLS, 800 BALAS, LOST IN LA MANCHA... And THE DREW MCWEENY SHOW?!

Published at: Oct. 14, 2008, 5:13 p.m. CST

Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.

It really does feel like weeks since I wrote something, and I’ll confess... I’m jonesing for a hit of AICN. I miss you guys when it gets like this, and taking that trip up to Vancouver was a nice reminder that I need to get busy and write something.

The problem is, the more I put off working on my articles, the more stuff stacks up. As a result, I’ve got a lot I want to wedge in this weekend, and I’m going to try to be fair to all of it. I’ve got a fistful of film reviews and a piece about a certain Internet flash cartoon to get out of the way before I can get back to transcribing those ELF interviews.

So, without further ado, let’s get to it...

ALL THE REAL GIRLS

GEORGE WASHINGTON, the first film by David Gordon Green, is one of those lyrical little miracles that you know can’t possibly happen again, the best Terrence Malick film that Malick never made. The most remarkable thing about Green’s new film, ALL THE REAL GIRLS, is just how close he comes to pulling it off a second time.

One of the things I love most about independent directors as they develop is the way they introduce us to new actors. Martin Scorsese and Robert De Niro were so closely linked for the early part of their careers that it seemed odd when they didn’t work together. A good recent example of this is Neil LaBute and Aaron Eckhart. In the case of Green, he’s got Paul Schneider, who played a supporting role in GEORGE WASHINGTON and who is the lead here. He also co-wrote the story, which might explain why he seems so incredibly natural and at ease in this film. If there were any justice, this guy would be a star. He got an easy charm and charisma that are hard to deny.

GEORGE WASHINGTON unfolded as if by sheer luck. It feels like a documentary in a way, but as shot by a poet. There’s not a single performance in that film that feels like someone performing. Both films start the same way, with a boy and a girl facing each other, talking about their relationship, but the age differences make it immediately apparent that the films have very different agendas. With ALL THE REAL GIRLS, Green works in a slightly more formal style as he tells the story of Paul (Schneider) and Noel (the adorable Zooey Deschanel), a young couple trying to figure out exactly how they fit together. Not if... just how. They can both tell that there’s something special happening between them, some sort of intimate line of communication that’s been opened, and as the film starts, they share a very unusual first kiss. What ripples out from that tiny, sweet, unforced gesture is both wrenching and entirely mundane. It’s not like Green’s out to redefine the entire experience of young love. He just adds a few interesting wrinkles and then takes delight in the details of the thing. His movies are all about behavior. They’ve got their own dreamy, languid pace.

Even when Green brings in stumbling blocks for Paul and Noel, he doesn’t play things out the way you’d expect. For example, Noel’s older brother is Tip (Shea Whigham), who has been Paul’s best friend for a long time. Because they’re friends, he knows what kind of guy Paul is. He knows that Paul has fucked pretty much every eligible girl in their small North Carolina mill town, and that he’s treated them all fairly poorly in the process. That’s not a problem until Tip realizes that Paul and Noel are starting to connect. She’s been away at boarding school, so she has no idea who Paul is or what his reputation is. Tip is furious at the idea of Paul doing the same thing to his sister that he’s done so many times before, and in most Hollywood films, things would be set up for a giant showdown between Tip and Paul. Not here, though. Green just lets things sort themselves out in a fairly natural way, and once you realize that you’re not going to get some formula romantic drama, you can settle into this film’s particular rhythm and just enjoy. There’s a lot fo humor in the film, and Schneider’s comic presence can’t be underestimated. Wes Anderson should harness this guy’s particular charisma, or maybe PTA. He manages to show us how he would have been able to charm one girl after another, even with a bad reputation growing up around him, and we end up willing to forgive him almost anything.

The great irony of the film is that Paul isn’t the one who ends up needing forgiveness. It’s Noel who has spent years locked up in a boarding school, away from her family, unable to make the normal mistakes every teenager makes. Yes, Paul has left a lot of unhappy girls in his wake, but it hasn’t been due to any sort of intentional malice. His reputation is nothing more than the public accumulation of experience. Noel mourns missing all of these opportunites, and Paul responds to that untouched quality in her. She offers him several chances sexually and, for the first time in his life, Paul hesitates. He wants everything to be different with her. He wants to do the right thing, never understanding that Noel wants him to share his experience with her. When she freaks out and acts out in an effort to understand what it is she’s missed, it destroys Paul, and for the first time, he understands the pain he’s caused others.

The film digresses any time it can, and Green seems enamored by some of his supporting players, like Danny McBride as the apty-named Bust-Ass or Patricia Clarkson as Elvira, Paul’s mother. Some of these digressions work, and some of them are too precious for their own good. If Green’s got a major flaw as a filmmaker so far, it’s his indulgence. He seems smitten by eccentricity for its own sake, and what worked magically in GEORGE WASHINGTON feels slightly more calculated here. Considering how average this mill town is supposed to be, it’s a little jam-packed with oddballs.

Still, any time Green wants to collaborate with his cinematographer, Tim Orr, I’ll show up to watch. Orr’s work is breathtaking, and he manages to find a way into the hearts of these actors. I’ve seen Zooey Deschanel in a number of films now, but she makes a whole different level of impression here. The way she and Schneider engage with one another brings out the best in both of them. As Green gets more rigid with narrative, it will be interesting to see if he can focus his particular gifts. As it stands right now, he’s a fascinating filmmaker who seems to be finding his voice and following his instincts, and I hope more audiences tune in and take a chance on him.

LOST IN LA MANCHA

Terry Gilliam is cursed.

That’s the only explanation for it.

Maybe God doesn’t have a sense of humor about the way he was portrayed in TIME BANDITS. Maybe it’s just dumb luck. Maybe Terry’s a modern-day Job, and the universe is testing his strength of character and his artistic drive by throwing one insane obstacle after another in front of him. Maybe Karma’s making him work off his scathing indictment of the bean counters and the suits and the system as a hole by BRAZIL, wearing him down with the very things he is so obviously afraid of.

Whatever the case, Terry Gilliam seems doomed to never make another film. Since FEAR & LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS, he’s been tied to a number of projects that have almost happened. GOOD OMENS keeps getting reannounced with various potential casting mentioned, but it’s an expensive film and they always come up short when they crunch the numbers so far. THE DEFECTIVE DETECTIVE is a great script with more than a few thematic similarities to TIME BANDITS and BARON MUNCHAUSEN, but it’s never gotten to the point where they were actively casting the picture. We keep hearing reports about a possible TIME BANDITS sequel that he’d have some sort of involvement in, but all that talk so far has been just that: talk.

The film that came the closest to happening was the now infamous THE MAN WHO KILLED DON QUIXOTE, and I still remember the thrill I got when we ran the first photo of Jean Rochefort in costume as Quixote. A world where Gilliam can’t get a film made is a world that doesn’t make sense to me, and seeing that photo was reassuring after all the false starts, proof that it was really happening. When the rumors began not long after about the film shutting down, I didn’t want to believe it. It’s one thing when development falls apart. It’s an unfortunate fact: a lot of what gets developed never makes it in front of the camera. There are a million different reasons that’s true. Once things start filming, though, it’s a pretty good bet that it’ll get finished, and in form or another, find distribution. After all, it’s Terry Gilliam, right? He made 12 MONKEYS and THE FISHER KING, right? This is a visionary, a guy with an amazing, unique voice, and the film starred Johnny Depp. That’s got to count for something... right?

Watching LOST IN LA MANCHA wasn’t something I’d say I enjoyed. The first half of the film is often very funny thanks to the dark wit of Gilliam and the remarkalbe degree of access that was granted to Keith Fulton and Louis Pepe. The laughs dry up as reality sets in, though, and the film becomes an artistic death march. Even though it’s hard to watch, there’s enormous value in seeing what went wrong. If this can happen to a filmmaker this talented, then it can happen to anyone.

One of the lessons that the film offers most clearly is a simple one: pick your collaborators carefully. The producers of QUIXOTE seem ill-equipped to actually deliver the proper support to Gilliam, and they also seem unprepared for his oft-reported manic attention to deail. Maybe they should have watched THE HAMSTER FACTOR, the documentary that Fulton and Pepe made about 12 MONKEYS. Unlike most behind-the-scenes films, THE HAMSTER FACTOR seemed to be absolutely honest, and it painted Gilliam as demanding and a bit obssessive, able to get hung up about things that would never matter to even the most eagle-eyed viewers. When we see producers Bernard Bouix and Rene Cleitman dealing with Gilliam on the set of QUIXOTE, it’s obvious they are in over their heads. There’s a more significant language barrier than just French versus English. Gilliam’s one of those guys who gets possessed by his vision for a film, and he doesn’t seem to care about excuses or budgets or limits once he starts rolling.

There’s a ghost that follows Gilliam around during the film, and its name is BARON MUNCHAUSEN. That movie was one of the most expensive failures of the ‘80’s (the only film that lost more money that decade was EMPIRE OF THE SUN), and it seems like the wounds are still fresh for Gilliam. He tries to laugh about it a few times, invoking the name in the hopes of avoiding repeating the mistakes that made the production such a nightmare. To his credit, he seems to make all new mistakes this time out. We hear that strange, high-pitched giggle of Gilliam’s less and less as he begins to figure out what a train wreck QUIXOTE seems to be. Despite hearing over and over that this is the most expensive film ever made entirely with European money, I couldn’t help but think that what we see looks cheap and shabby and poorly designed. In a way, I’m almost glad we didn’t see a sub-standard Gilliam film. I’d hate to see him tarnish his record with something half-assed, even if it means he was disappointed like this.

His collaborators certainly have excellent credits to their names. Benjamin Fernandez has served quite ably as production designer on films like THE OTHERS, DAYLIGHT, DRAGONHEART, and TRUE ROMANCE, but the glimpses we get of his work here don’t really inspire confidence in what might have been. Nicola Pecorini, his cinematographer, has only shot a few films himself (RULES OF ENGAGEMENT, FEAR & LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS, the upcoming SIN EATER), but he got his training as a steadicam operator working for Dario Argento on films like OPERA, PHENOMENA, and TENEBRE. There’s so little finished film that it’s impossible to judge what his work would have been like. We see a lot of the work of Gabriella Pescucci, his costume designer (VAN HELSING, THE AGE OF INNOCENCE, NAME OF THE ROSE), and even though she worked for him before on MUNCHAUSEN, she seems easily frustrated by the way he expresses what he wants, rolling her eyes at almost every request.

And then there’s Phil Patterson, the film’s assistant director, who comes across in a decidedly mixed light. He’s worked on Gilliam’s last few films and there seems to be a real rapport between them up front. As things wear on, though, Patterson seems ready to quit at the slightest provocation. It’s a hell of a shoot, no doubt. Flash floods, the ill health of Rochefort, and endless delays would tax the patience of anyone trying to keep things organized, but that’s what an AD is supposed to do, isn’t it? Deal with the unpredictable? Find order in the creative chaos?

In the end, this isn’t a film about finger pointing. It’s a film that confirms how difficult filmmaking is, and that shows just how fragile dreams can be. Even as I write this, Dimension and MGM are issuing press releases about Gilliam’s next film, GRIMM, which is supposed to shoot in Prague this summer. Right now, Gilliam’s got offers out to Matt Damon, Heath Ledger, Jonathan Pryce and Robin Williams aboard, and I hope all goes well. Just this week, we were getting rumors in from people in Prague saying the film was about to implode under its own costs. If that ends up true, then Terry’s losing streak continues unabated, making LOST IN LA MANCHA even more painful.

NID DE GUEPES

Y’know what my favorite thing in the world is?

Stumbling onto a great film with no prior warning. Before last Friday, I had no idea who Florent Emilio Siri was. Now, after a week of research, I still know next to nothing about him. I found a grand total of three English language articles about him. One talks about how he was recently hired to direct the new cutscenes for the PS2 version of SPLINTER CELL, although they incorrectly identify him as a Hong Kong filmmaker. The other two articles were here on AICN, courtesy of our Euro-AICN correspondents, including an interview with the director and a very enthusiastic review of the film.

Well, guys, in the future I’ll pay closer attention when you tell us to keep our eyes open for something. What confuses me is how little noise there’s been regarding this kick-ass action picture that plays out like ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 as reimagined by a first-person shooter addict. This is a film that rarely pauses for breath, a full-throttle action movie that will shake you. I know Lions Gate owns the North American rights to the film, but I hear they’re more interested in a remake than a proper release, and that’s a damn shame. So much of this film is communicated on a purely visual level that there’s a real chance here for a mainstream hit.

The first twenty minutes or so are intentionally confusing, cutting back and forth between two storylines. In one, we meet Abedin Nexhep, a legendary Albanian warlord who is notorious for his war crimes, most of which involved raping women and carving numbers into their backs. He’s been arrested and is set to be transported to his international trial by a group of cops who are armed to the teeth and driving state-of-the-art armored transports. In the other storyline, we see a group of young friends preparing for some sort of mission, arming themselves as best they can and picking up a special transport truck of their own. At first, it looks like these kids are somehow tied to Nexhep, like they might even be out to free him, but the two storylines come to a head at the same time and we realize we’ve been massively, expertly misdirected. The stories collide more than anything, and when they do, a good chunk of the characters we’ve met die right away.

The ones who are left end up barricaded into a warehouse, surrounded by faceless Albanian troops (literally faceless, since they all wear night vision gear and face masks that make them into anonymous video game bad guys, one of the film’s smartest touches) who are determined to get in, rescue Nexhep, and kill everyone else. Everything from about the thirty minute mark to the end of the film is concentrated on just that, and the result is enormous tension, expertly orchestrated. The bursts of violence in the film aren’t played like your typical action movie, either. It’s not “cool” and it’s not “groovy” and it’s certainly not fun. Instead, it’s jarring and it rattles you, like in BLACK HAWK DOWN. The sound work in this film is amazing, and the cinematography by Giovanni Fiore Coltellacci is crisp and cool, never overselling what we’re seeing.

This isn’t a movie that’s overladen with subtext and deeper meaning. Nexhep is menacing because he barely says anything in the film. His henchmen are frightening precisely because they never appear human. The characterization in the film is done in quick sketches, a few lines here or there. I don’t want to argue that this is “significant” world cinema, but it is a damn fine action film that manages to work no matter how much or how little French you speak. Even if you saw it without subtitles, the storytelling is so confident that you’d be able to follow it perfectly. Florent Emilio Siri is obviously a director of enormous natural storytelling skill, and it’s small wonder he’s become a hot property here in Hollywood in recent weeks. Whoever lands him for his first film stateside has a chance to break a major talent here, and if Lions Gate would wise up and release this film to theaters, they could beat everyone to the punch.

800 BALAS

What does it mean that the most interesting films I’ve seen so far this year aren’t English language? So far, I’m smitten with CITY OF GOD, NID DE GUEPES (or THE NEST), IRREVERSIBLE (which I’ll review this week), and this effortless charmer, which translates as 800 BULLETS. This one was almost guaranteed a good review from me, though, since it deals with one of my very favorite subjects in the entire history of cinema, the spaghetti western, and does so in a way I never would have expected.

I’ve got a long-standing aversion to films about the film business, so maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t know what 800 BALAS was about before I walked into the Egyptian last Saturday night. I’ll confess that sometimes when Harry sees a film I know I won’t have a chance to see for a while, I avoid his review because I don’t want him to color my eventual experience. I knew that the movie had placed pretty high on his list for last year, but I didn’t know anything beyond that. As a result, this movie snuck up on me and won me over, surprising me more and more as it unfolded.

Louis Castro is the main character in the film, an 11 year old boy named Carlos, and he’s a holy terror when we first meet him. He’s moving into a new house with his mother Laura (played by the great Carmen Maura) and his grandmother Rocio (played by the equally great Terele Pavez), and as they move in, he wages a holy war on the movers, declaring himself an Islamic terrorist. And, yeah, in spite of the world around us at the moment, it is pretty funny stuff. See, Carlos isn’t a bad kid at heart. He’s just frustrated. He knows that his mother keeps secrets from him about his father. As they unpack, he finds a picture of his father and his grandfather on the set of a western film, faded, torn from a magazine. Even with this sort of physical evidence, he can’t get his mother to tell him about what happened, and he has to turn to his grandmother.

What she reveals to him is that his father died while working as a stuntman on a Western film shot in the south of Spain. Contrary to the nickname “spaghetti westerns,” most of those films weren’t shot in Italy. Some of the key creative team were Italian, but the locations were frequently Spanish. Other classic films like LAWRENCE OF ARABIA and CONAN THE BARBARIAN also used those same locations, but the region is still most strongly associated with the westerns. In many cases, the sets were left standing, and when Hollywood packed up and went home, they left behind a group of people who had become infected with the dream, people who preferred this world of make-believe to the one around them. In a few cases, these people refused to let go of the dream, and they continue to perform western stunt shows on those same standing sets to smaller and smaller groups of tourists each year.

Although Carlos is upset to learn that his father is dead, he’s fascinated to learn that his grandfather, Julian Torralba (Sancho Gracia) is alive and still running one of the stunt shows. When his class takes a holiday ski trip, Carlos takes advantage of the opportunity and, using a credit card his mother gave him for “emergencies only,” he heads south to meet his grandfather. As soon as he reaches the western town, the film comes to life with a cast of eccentrics that are expertly written and beautifully played. Julian is a remarkable, charismatic old rascal who charms Carlos right away, even though he doesn’t mean to. The kid can’t help but be enamored of the life he stumbles into. Everyone’s so colorful, so different than the people his mother knows in her drab corporate lifestyle. To Carlos, this life represents adventure. It takes him some time to convince his grandfather to let him stay, but eventually a real bond seems to grow between them.

This entire section of the film is so beautifully handled by director Alex de la Iglesias that you never want it to end. It feels like you could just go on and on watching these people, all of them just barely scratching by. Barely any tourists come anymore, so they’ve taken to selling hash out of the town’s bank, but even that doesn’t help much. The chemistry between Gracia and Castro is wonderful, and Steven Spielberg himself would be jealous of just how natural and unaffected a performance the kid gives. Spielberg is one of many international cinema figures who cast long shadows over the characters in this movie. There’s a photo of George Lucas and Spielberg that stands in the middle of town to commemorate when INDIANA JONES & THE LAST CRUSADE was shot nearby. Clint Eastwood’s poncho from the Man With No Name films is treated as a holy relic. In a way, Hollywood ruined these people. Julian talks endlessly about how he and Clint became friends when he was Clint’s stuntman, and people just accept it as another one of Julian’s fabulous lies. To him, though, it’s the cornerstone of his identity. He wants desperately to be the person who doubled Clint fearlessly, and not the person who was so drunk he got his own son killed because of a stunt gone wrong. When Laura finds out where Carlos has gone, she flips out and decides to not only get her son back, but to punish Julian. She’s still hurting from the accident that took her husband all those years earlier, and she lashes out by arranging for her company to buy the land where the western town stands so it can be redeveloped as a theme park.

I don’t want to ruin the film’s final and best twists for you. I’ll just say that the 800 bullets from the title come into play, and the line between fantasy and reality gets blurred as Julian decides to go out as the hero he’s always imagined himself to be. In a perfect world, some brave American distributor would pick this up and try to turn it into a family hit. Certainly no film has made me smile more since I saw SHAOLIN SOCCER for the first time. There’s such enormous heart here that I think it transcends language completely. However, there are a few moments where the director’s European sensibilities work against him in terms of a U.S. release. Carlos is initiated into the wonders of the breast by one of the women who plays a whore in the western show in a hiliarious (and fairly innocent) scene, and the eventual payoff to the film is bracingly sad. Iglesias doesn’t feel the need to soft-pedal and give us the Hollywood ending to things. Instead, he has enough faith in us as an audience that he reaches for something deeper and sweeter, and it is quite beautiful when it all comes together. I asked the director about an American release after the film, and he told me that he was showing it at the American Film Market to try and raise some interest in it. He didn’t seem optimistic, though, and I hope someone steps up to prove him wrong. It’s a great film, a great piece of entertainment, and it would be a crying shame if no one had the balls to share it with a wide American audience.

”THE DREW MCWEENY SHOW”

Okay, let’s make it official. You can stop sending me mail to tell me that someone has made a cartoon about me. I know. I’ve seen it. And, despite what you might think, I laughed.

It’s not like it was a big surprise when it appeared online, either. For the last year or so, The Facer.net has taken particular pleasure in roasting my balls. Not mine, exclusively, of course. Harry takes plenty of heat, they seem to have a strange obssession with Garth Franklin, they managed to piss off the normally level-headed Nick Nunziata, and webmasters like Chris Gore and Christian “Spermbath,” as The Facer calls him, regularly get jabbed as well.

But there’s no doubt about it. The Facer lives to try and goad me into some sort of Internet Battle Royale that he believes will either validate his site or destroy my credibility or reveal me for what I am.

Which raises the question... what am I?

Well, in many ways, I am exactly what my harshest critics say I am.

Thin-skinned? There’s pudding with thicker skin than me.

Quick-tempered? I can go from calm conversationalist to frothing loonie with one ill-timed Talk Back where someone takes shots at my last name or my girlfriend.

Cruel? Petty? Unfortunately. Absolutely. Without a doubt, and pleased to have access to a major media outlet where I can abuse my platform freely, thanks.

I am fully aware of these faults of mine. I’ve tried to be fairly honest about them. I don’t know that I ever meant to open myself up to all of fandom as a public figure. The “Moriarty” thing was awfully appealing while it lasted. There was something delicious about the anonymity, the speculation about my identity. There simply came a point where I wasn’t able to maintain the identity any further. I was outed, exposed, named for all the world to see.

Don’t get me wrong. I still love doing this.

If I didn’t, there would have been a million reasons to quit over the last few years. There are days where it feels like all the work I’ve done over the last six years has been for nothing, like I don’t get to claim it at all, like it isn’t really mine.

Like when I get my name misspelled in the closing credits to the AICN TV pilot.

Twice.

So, yeah, I’m ripe for satire. I’m an easy target, really. I lay myself out there time and again, like my much-ridiculed ADAPTATION review last year.

I encourage you to go take a look at the guy’s site and his cartoon version of me. It’s not the sharpest satire ever. It’s enormously derivative of SOUTH PARK, for one thing, and if you really want to slow-roast me, there’s more effective ways than making fart jokes. Hell, our own Cartuna worked with Harry to make a cartoon that was shown at the start of Butt-Numb-A-Thon 3 that was fifty times more offensive and insulting than anything The Facer’s managed to do here. I still don’t know what the point was of me being ass-raped by Smurfette in a Swedish movie. You’d have to ask Harry or his therapist what that means. For a first effort at Flash animation, though, it’s got its moments, and both Harry and I laughed at the use of the GODZILLA theme to herald Harold’s entrance.

The reason something like this doesn’t bother me now the way it would have a year ago is because I’m realizing that I don’t own your perception of me. And I can’t control your perception of me. Each of you reading this right now have some degree of opinion about me. Good, bad, indifferent. It’s shaped not only by what I write, but by what is written about me. It’s shaped by your experience with the site. The Facer, for example, loves to tell the story about how he was banned from this site’s TalkBack section, and when he wrote me to complain and say that it was unfair, I replied with a terse, “Start your own fucking website.” To his credit, he’s done exactly that. Of course, it’s easy to mythmake when you hide behind anonymity, the way I did at first. The Facer prides himself on being secret, on the fact that no one knows who he is. He says he keeps his identity secret to avoid becoming the center of a “cult of personality,” but that’s an increasingly silly position to maintain. A name is just a name. Whether his readers call him The Facer or call him by his real name doesn’t matter. He’s still attracted a small and rabid fanbase, and they most certainly have him up on his own particular platform.

In the end, the public perception of me is just that... a perception. It’s one version of me. I don’t pretend to know or understand writers or directors or actors because of their work, and when I do end up meeting people on a personal level, I’m almost always surprised by them. No matter how intimate someone’s writing is, you’re never getting the whole picture, not even here where we’ve turned film criticism into something akin to blogging.

I say bring on the satire. Bring on more episodes of THE DREW MCWEENY SHOW. Bring on more appearances by Harry Know-less in Brian Lynch’s savagely funny ANGRY NAKED PAT strip. When and if MORTAL KOMBAT 3 or POSTHUMAN make it to the screen, I am fully prepared to withstand the withering scrutiny of each and every fanboy on the planet, and no matter how closely the films hew to my scripts, and no matter how good or bad the final product, I am sure I’m going to have my ass roasted, sliced, and served up to me on a plate. I’ve made myself a target because I have chosen to share my thoughts and opinions with you for the last six years or so. The main difference between me and The Facer seems to be the capacity to get over things. There’s not a single person working on the web who I would call an enemy. Not Chris Gore. Not Ron Wells. Not Patrick Sauriol. In every case where I’ve clashed with someone, there are two sides to the story, and I don’t doubt that people acted out of what they felt to be entirely justified motivations. In many cases, I’ve been wrong about things. Good lord, I’m the guy who not only swore to you that Chris Walken was in STAR WARS EPISODE II, I also asserted that he’d never won an Oscar. I’m extra-fallible. I fuck up time and again. And then I pick up and I continue, and I try not to make the same mistakes twice.

That’s all I can do, and if it makes you laugh, then so be it. At least I got a reaction out of you. I’ll start worrying the day there’s no response at all. Silence is the one thing every writer truly fears. Everything else is just the price of doing business.

... SO IN CONCLUSION...

Next time, we’re going to hit the bookshelf with three new novels of note, and I’ll finally get a look at Gaspar Noe’s controversial IRREVERSIBLE. Later today, I want to post a separate report about a new Marx Brothers movie that might be making its way to screens next year... yeah, you read that right... but for now, I’m sick, the Nyquil’s kicking in, and I need to lay down.

But it was nice talking to all of you.

"Moriarty" out.





Readers Talkback

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  • March 5, 2003, 5:33 a.m. CST

    Facer

    by Grand Digital

    It must be flattering to know the Facer spent like 3 years of his life making that animation about you though. I'm no psychologist but I surmise that maybe he's actually in love with you. You know, like a love hate thing.

  • March 5, 2003, 5:39 a.m. CST

    Moriarty...I love you

    by FOBnation

    you gave such a heartbreaking portrayl of yourself, i think i may have to cry myself to sleep....anyway, does anybody have up to date info of the status of David Fincher's new movies?

  • March 5, 2003, 6:11 a.m. CST

    More power to you, Moriarty

    by Silvio Dante

    I wish the whole thing would just blow over already, nothing more tiresome than looking trough talkbacks for people's opininons about movies and they're filled with this off-topic garbage...I invest very little here, I read the news, occasionaly I talk back. It's amazing how much time and energy some people have for these feuds...parallel to islamic jihad, really. Well, there's always bullies. Living the good life is the best revenge, Moriarty. Or when it comes to this particular rivalry, living the life is enough since the other side clearly doesn't even grasp the concept.

  • March 5, 2003, 6:42 a.m. CST

    Hrm

    by FanOfTheFacer

    I thought the cartoon could of been/should of been better. IMO, Drew handled this with some class (still don't like his reviews, though). I still think there's some ethical problems with this site's policies and for that, long live people like Facer.

  • March 5, 2003, 7:03 a.m. CST

    Watch out Drew!

    by Monkey Lover

    You might get banned for posting a link to thefacer.net. Quick, cover your tracks before someone sees!

  • March 5, 2003, 7:04 a.m. CST

    Cassel getting his nuts crushed by a Bellucci who adlibs.

    by Stokowski

    Mori baby, you are a New Line Cinema whore! But if you admit that the final 10 minutes of IRREVERSIBLE got you a boner(when a Monica Bellucci protudes her stuff, tent poles around the world erect themselves!), then you are okay in my book. Anyway, be a little less pretentious, and when/if POST HUMAN will be made into a flick, make sure that A: It won't be crap or you will be flamed for life(aka a week). And B: It will star Christian Bale in a thong. Oh, and The Facer sucks even more than Harry and Moriarty combined as he is just another internet-cad who is screaming for attention while trying to make a quick buck. Still, he did dissed Moriarty like no tomorrow by actually making 'his own fucking website'. -----Winona 4ever!-----

  • March 5, 2003, 7:11 a.m. CST

    That facer site....

    by NoOpinion

    Just looks like a home for Talkback wankers. The ones who seem to greet every bit of news or a review with distain. Elitist wankers who revel in the anonimity that the internet gives them. I'd be willing to bet most of these people wouldn't have the nerve to say boo to a five year old in the real world.

  • March 5, 2003, 7:40 a.m. CST

    Thanks, Mori!!!

    by Dog Of Mystery

    Great column. There's one thing they got wrong in the facer cartoon -- your approachability. You've reached out to many of us asswipes in the TalkBacks. Sure, you might get thin-skinned to personal attacks. Most people are. But you and Harry both cater to the people on this site -- in the TalkBacks, in the chatrooms and by organizing AICN-sponsored events for them. Don't sell yourself short, buddy. *** To all who hate thefacer.net: It is all the things you say. Worse, even. But, it doesn't make any pretense to be anything but. It is bombast and bad satire. And yet, I still go there. Why? Because I have friends there. I can go there and talk to the trolls who have entertained me in talkbacks past...BrassMonkey, Stan Gable, Chest Rockwell...great guys. Hell, I even look forward to some of the retarded shit General George spouts out of his misshapen piehole. But I come here for the movie news, kids. And that's the way it was meant to be...

  • March 5, 2003, 7:45 a.m. CST

    Nicely handled

    by H-52

    I'm no fan of moriarty, but I do have to admit that he handled that one with some class. And linking to a website that exitsts to poke fun at him takes some guts. I also thought that there were some funny moments in that flash-Like Harry speaking hutteese-But in the end I think that the facer should concentrate a little less on bashing his fellow webmaster and a little more on the movie industy

  • March 5, 2003, 8:04 a.m. CST

    Interesting....

    by Huneybee

    Let's see....5-6 regular Facerians...times 9 or so interchangeable, rabid internet personalities each...equals, uhm, damn, I always have been bad at math.____There's a very amusing point raised in your acknowledgement of The Facer's obsession with "Mori." I wonder how he's going to take it when *his* identity is finally known? The more exposure he gets the greater the probability and that's an occurrence I look forward to laughing over.

  • March 5, 2003, 8:14 a.m. CST

    Haha, Lewis...

    by Monkey Lover

    Fuck yes. I am often at TheFacer.net and it is a fine fucking site. And Huneybee, you are an arselicking little zealot. You are some dirty facist queen who rules over the Chatroom kicking all those who disagree with you. You are everything AICN has come to represent: THE BANNING OF FREE THINKERS. Drew was secretly delighted that his identity was revealed because it meant he could spend time talking about his own life instead of making up one about Mungo or whatever the fuck those goddamned Henchmen were called.

  • March 5, 2003, 8:18 a.m. CST

    Thomas Edison is a sexy beast, too.

    by Monkey Lover

    Want to fuck me sometime? I am ready and willing. BOSCH.

  • March 5, 2003, 8:21 a.m. CST

    The fans are congregating

    by DannyOcean01

    in a big fat mass. We're trying to take them out but the bastards just keep coming. Nice one Mori. To be honest I only read your stuff to catch any bit of Posthuman info, but it's nice to see you can write competently every now and again.

  • March 5, 2003, 8:21 a.m. CST

    Yeah very interesting Black, Whatever...

    by NoOpinion

    Couldn't care less if you're more interesting that my boring self. Why not take your interesting ass over to facer and stay there so people who want to read movie news don't have to put up with your shit. Only one thing worse than a talkback wanker, and thats a talkback wanker who signs off with <insert user ID> out. Like you've really said anything of importance. NoOpinion Out.

  • March 5, 2003, 8:31 a.m. CST

    "Hi, my name is Monkey Lover and I have a problem..."

    by Huneybee

    "My head is so far up the Facer's ass that my tongue had become irrevocably lodged in his throat, making it impossible for either of us to speak intelligibly. Oh, and the feces has given me an eye infection. Please help." Riiiight...I see it took approximately 10 minutes for the first attack to arrive. Congrats, Stan...or Brass Monkey...or whichever one of you it is. What's sad is that I've read some of your posts and you're very intelligent and humorous when you're not trying to let your inner 12 year old delinquent emerge. Keep up the good work and flame away. I'll consider myself doing mankind a favor as the more you communicate here, the less the people around you have to endure your presence. :)

  • March 5, 2003, 8:34 a.m. CST

    I want to see 800 BALAS very badly, and other things...

    by Nordling

    800 BALAS sounds really cool. A post-modern Spaghetti Western set in Spain, and the one poster I've see of it looks like Eastwood would approve. I hope it gets released here. And the other things... Hey Bee, how you doing? See you in chat.

  • March 5, 2003, 8:37 a.m. CST

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

    by Monkey Lover

    HAHAHAHAHAH! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Huneybee accuses somebody of having their tongue up somebody's arse? AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! You are a funny bitch, I'll grant you that. Was that an attempt at satire or irony or any of those clever concepts? Damn, woman.

  • March 5, 2003, 8:42 a.m. CST

    Thomas...

    by Huneybee

    You need to change that 40 watt bulb burning over your head...perhaps upgrade to a 60? I'm sure you *do* mourn Jennifer, Gretchen and the gang. It's truly sad that your only contact with gurlz are internet aliases made up by your friends over at Facer's site. Keep trying, Thomas. I'm sure you'll find an anatomically correct woman one day who'll talk to you. In the meantime, have you tried www.realdoll.com? They're expensive, but I'm sure you can work out a payment plan. ;)

  • March 5, 2003, 8:47 a.m. CST

    Get some antibiotics for that eye infection...

    by Huneybee

    and I'm sure you'll see what I'm talking about very clearly. Oh, it'll clear up that STD you got from George, too.____Nord, I'll be around today. I'm off work, but have got a few things to do after I finish my coffee. Nothing like flinging poo over a fresh cup of Folgers, yes? :)

  • March 5, 2003, 8:48 a.m. CST

    Now that that's cleared up...

    by I'm a banned man

    would Moriarty or Harry please explain whether the talkback order is fucked up on purpose or not, and if it isn't, is anything being done to correct it? Just a short explanation so people will quit asking about it? Thank you, please drive through.

  • March 5, 2003, 8:53 a.m. CST

    Ouch, Thomas, you big stud....

    by Huneybee

    I'm devastated...truly. THREE imaginary women? Let's see...your left hand, your right hand, and...the Facer's *BLEEP*? Ok, that adds up. Maybe I'm not as bad at math as I previously stated.

  • March 5, 2003, 9:13 a.m. CST

    Stan...

    by Huneybee

    Ok, a serious moment here before we revert to the previous inanity...Sorry if I mixed up one of your aliases with one of the other, more abrasive regulars over there. I *do* read the Facer, Stan, and think his Onion-like articles are hilarious. I don't see why I can't be a fan of *both* sites, but that doesn't seem to be allowed by the fervent fanbase of both locations. I honestly do hate hypocrisy and that's what I'm seeing now from the Facerians. I'm called an asslicker, etc, when they're guilty of the same "crimes" of which I currently stand accused. It's both amusing and pathetic.____Ok, boys...have fun flaming me. I gotta run some errands. :)

  • March 5, 2003, 9:23 a.m. CST

    The Facer's true identity...

    by RenoNevada2000

    Now I haven't been over to the site to check it out, but I get the feeling that it seems to love just pissing over the likes of Harry and Moriarity. I would sooo love it if it was finally reveled that the Facer was none other than Harry and Drew themselves, take a clossal piss take on all of you TB trolls...

  • March 5, 2003, 9:27 a.m. CST

    Ah, Brass-Monkey...

    by Nordling

    Does your mom still let people sniff coke off her distended amorphous tummy? I remember the day she poured that two-liter onto herself

  • March 5, 2003, 9:41 a.m. CST

    Drew, maybe you should change your last name to Moriarty

    by rev_skarekroe

    If not for yourself, think of the children! Also, I don't know where you got your Christopher Walken in Star Wars info, but did it ever occur to you that maybe someone was trying to tell you about the casting of Christopher LEE? sk

  • March 5, 2003, 9:47 a.m. CST

    Hah Brass!

    by Nordling

    I remember those halcyon days, Brass-Monkey. Do you? Do you remember the days you spent at the gorilla cages at the zoo, waiting for hours as your mother tried to pimp her asshole out for a banana? Licking frogs at the amphibian house hoping to pinch off her conscience with hallucinations? Frying ostrich eggs over an open fire because hey, rent was a bitch during those times? Sorry about the elephant mauling. But as you well know you just shouldn

  • March 5, 2003, 9:49 a.m. CST

    And with that

    by Nordling

    I got to get to work now. But you can carry out your weird ass obsessing between your three different talkback handles, you schizophrenic freak.

  • ...because it sure seems like you and Jeffrey Wells have it out for each other.

  • I mean, they're pond scum. You're lowering yourself to the level of pond scum. So they hate you, big deal. Being hated is FUN! I've got lots of haters, and I realize that I like that! Means something you've said has pissed someone off, which means that something you said has MADE A DIFFERENCE. I believe the chirrun are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way. SEXUAL CHOCOLATE! (feedback). Sorry, that was off topic. Basically, with your haters, forget their individual names. Assign them all to one group organism (like Destructicons) and give that one organism a name. I call mine BladeRunnerEunuch. Now you are no longer in danger of spreading yourself too thin. I NEED SCISSORS! Sorry. Forget I said that. Now, once you have your organism named, write that name on a piece of paper. The paper should be of the variety commonly known as "toilet." Go to Ninfa's. Order the queso. Now don't forget your hate paper! When the mood hits you, wipe your hate away with your hate paper! And you will feel good. You will feel refreshed. You will feel...mighty real. Blue Monday turned 20 years old a few days ago. Damn I'm getting elderly. BOING!

  • March 5, 2003, 10:27 a.m. CST

    I did the "Albanian Tango" Friday night with three hot chicks

    by mortsleam

    Almost got me kicked out of the house when my girlfriend happened upon us freaking to Rock Lobster at a 70's club that was inexplicably playing 80's music all night. Them Albanians, xoximilco, they're all hot as hell and have absolutely no concept of "personal space." *** Onto the reviews. Lost In La Mancha is truly heartbreaking and frustrating and hilarious all at the same time. It truly makes me want to start playing Lotto non-stop until I hit the big jackpot, just so I can give it to Gilliam and for once let him make EXACTLY the movie he wants to make. *** I haven't seen George Washington, but everything I've heard about All The Real Girls sounds good. It's always nice to see new promising filmmakers carving a niche. Too bad he'll end up going the Nolan/Fincher route and get sucked into the Hollywood machine. Probably doing a romantic comedy with Sandra Bullock. *** The Drew McWeeny Show. It was pretty funny in its amateurish scatologically obsessed dufus way, but I don't see why you give these Facer guys any lipservice. Just take the hit, admit you can be successfully parodied and be done with it. Yet another 8 page diatribe about the pitfalls of internet notoriety is only going to inflame their sick love/hate thing more.

  • March 5, 2003, 10:28 a.m. CST

    Nice to see you again Towelie

    by mortsleam

    As you can see, ya ain't missed much.

  • March 5, 2003, 10:33 a.m. CST

    What's the deal with this Drew McWeenie?

    by Crithon

    Well, I finally took a look at Drew McWeenie... I have to say I didn't laugh. A lot of it has to do with the fact that Cartuna's illustration of you have been craved into my psychie of what you look like. I haven't seen you in Jason x dvd, so I don't know if this illustration is true. Another thing is that I graduated with a degree in computer animation... This really, really, really doesn't show any talent or skill. Hence why I brought up Cartuna before, when you see his work you can see squach and strech, movement, and personality. So it fails and looks really half assed flash animation. A majority of flash animation is amature, and it's very rare to see some professional work. Becuase of that it was really hard for me to even laugh or enjoy this. ANYONE can tween animate, but how about some real animation within Flash like Warner Brother's Gothamgirls? http://gothamgirls.com All I can say is just try again the people at Drew McWeenie. By the way, Moriarity, I just have to say that I'm a fan of your writing. I think your enertaining, witty and down to earth. It doesn't bother me you said Christopher Walken was going to be in Episode 2. I think that Christopher Lee is a better replacement for one of minions of EVIL! So as a fan, Keep up the Great work. One last thing, what was the Cartune short film in Butt-Numb-A-thon? I would really love to see his work, he's just amazing.

  • March 5, 2003, 10:47 a.m. CST

    C'mon, Though - a Name Like "McWeenie" Just Invites Parody

    by hipcheck13

    The Facer's site is OK - occasionally funny. They'd be better served lampooning more of the world at large (ala "The Onion") rather than spending all day and night getting on AICN. It's funny at first, then it becomes petty.

  • March 5, 2003, 10:47 a.m. CST

    Facer Rules!

    by NoOpinion

    This one time, at Facer I was reading this article where Facer was all like, Moriarty you suck, and we were all like yeah Facer you rock. So at Facer we all get these like cool little things after our names, I got a picture of a gun, guns are cool. So anyway Facer is so cool, it

  • March 5, 2003, 11:15 a.m. CST

    Thefacer.net is really cooool!!!!!

    by White_Noise

    Or, at least I think it is. I'll know for sure when they start having their stuff translated into English.

  • March 5, 2003, 11:33 a.m. CST

    Phantom Stan, you actually took my post SERIOUSLY?

    by Vegas

    Dude, how many weird interjections do I have to throw in there for people to REALLY REALLY KNOW I'm joking? *goes to look for the sarcastic font*

  • March 5, 2003, 11:34 a.m. CST

    And Brass Monkey, I don't hate you.

    by Vegas

    I just don't really think about you one way or the other.

  • March 5, 2003, 12:13 p.m. CST

    Brass Monkey

    by NoOpinion

    It isn

  • March 5, 2003, 12:21 p.m. CST

    Vegas...

    by Huneybee

    You should send Stan some new batteries for his Sarcasm Detector as I think Georges Melies stole the old ones for use in his personal stimulator.____Stan, in answer to your comment on That Other Site (wouldn't want to get banned here, lol), I am indeed a woman and a TBer for several years now. I don't think you and I have ever crossed verbal swords here and I remember reading some of your previous posts under Stan Gable with enjoyment. That's why I was particularly surprised by your participation "over there."____At the risk of sounding like an asslicker, i.e. like BrassMonkey or Georges, I'd like to say that I thoroughly enjoyed Mori's review of the parody and he brought up some good points that are being discussed.____I honestly hope none of the Facerians are banned today because of responding as that's what this TB is partially about. I also think that allowing their words to stand as is shows *why* the majority of them were banned in the first place. They just ain't funny unless JACKASS type humor is the *only* type of thing you find amusing. Thankfully, not everyone here feels that way, which is why there are good TBs to read and enjoy.____Bee

  • March 5, 2003, 12:49 p.m. CST

    Brass Monkey.....again

    by NoOpinion

    Every post you make, proves my point even more. I'm done with you, you're responses are the schoolboy level, you lost. Sorry, I'll say that in your language, shut the fuck up, you lost you stupid fucking twat.....does that make more sense?

  • March 5, 2003, 12:49 p.m. CST

    Brass Monkey.....again

    by NoOpinion

    Every post you make, proves my point even more. I'm done with you, you're responses are the schoolboy level, you lost. Sorry, I'll say that in your language, shut the fuck up, you lost you stupid fucking twat.....does that make more sense?

  • March 5, 2003, 12:49 p.m. CST

    Brass Monkey.....again

    by NoOpinion

    Every post you make, proves my point even more. I'm done with you, you're responses are the schoolboy level, you lost. Sorry, I'll say that in your language, shut the fuck up, you lost you stupid fucking twat.....does that make more sense?

  • March 5, 2003, 12:56 p.m. CST

    Bravo, McWeeny! That's the ticket; beat them at their own game.

    by Bababooey Fett

    Now, about that 90's list...

  • March 5, 2003, 1:11 p.m. CST

    Well, Stan...

    by Huneybee

    a girl's gotta keep busy when she ain't posting on the TB's. ;) You know, since I usually spend SO much time here. lol I, too, enjoy reading the Facer's articles, but would appreciate seeing more variety. If he would post at least *one* (just one, mind you...I wouldn't want to ask for too much here) article that *doesn't* mention AICN for every one that *does*, then perhaps his site might not come across as a haven for TB rejects.

  • March 5, 2003, 1:49 p.m. CST

    How not to get banned

    by rev_skarekroe

    I've seen a lot of posts here today from people complaining/bragging about being banned from AICN, and running off to facer.net to complain about it. It appears to be a both a source of consternation and pride among these sorry individuals. Now, I've been spreading the joy here on Talkback for awhile now, and I thought I'd offer a few hints to you folks so you don't HAVE to go slumming at facer anymore. Ready? Then let's begin. 1)Off-topic B.S. Some of you guys seem flabbergasted that you're getting banned for this. Look it says right there that that'll get you banned! Pay attention! Now, that said, I post off-topic BS all the time, and while I've had some posts deleted, I've never been banned. Why? Well, for one thing I try to be witty. You see, a pithy comment that gives someone a little chuckle is witty. A poorly arranged string of expletives is just stupid. 2)personal attacks - Again, it's right there in the rules. Still, some people seem to think two people flaming each other for unfathomable reasons makes for good talkback. Guys, it's dumb. Of course it's gonna get you banned. Further, if you want to insult Harry (or Moriarty) do so for something worthwhile. Attack his incoherent articles. Attack his reviews that read like a fifth-grade girl's diary. Attack the fact that, to this day, he does not know how to properly use an ellipse. Don't say "Harry, you fat fuck" or "Harry, you bloated sellout" or "Harry, the facer.net is going to make you go down like a $10 hooker". That's the kind of thing that tends to piss people off. People who then ban you. 3) I don't have a number three. 4) Lighten up, for God's sake. sk

  • March 5, 2003, 2:13 p.m. CST

    The Facer isn't terribly original or hilarious

    by 007-11

    I was expecting a lot more from the archnemesis of Moriarty. Nice design but lacking in witty content. I was hoping for Maddox or even Seanbaby. By the way, anyone who makes fun of the last name McWeeny is taking the easy way out. I mean, come on. McWeeny? There are 2 year olds who would roll their eyes at a joke like that.

  • March 5, 2003, 2:54 p.m. CST

    Finish Him!!

    by Flansy

    I think Mori was just a tad confused... Christopher LEE was cast in Ep2. Christopher WALKEN is playing Raiden in Mortal Kombat 3.

  • March 5, 2003, 3:06 p.m. CST

    Phantom Stan (besides being an idiot) makes fun of the learning

    by White_Noise

    Hey, how the heck did I merit a mention in one of your legendary internet rants that show off your razor-sharp wit and incisive opinions? I'm just a humble once-in-a-while visitor here. I have two real points to take issue with (of course they will be luke-warm opinions as you so clearly noted): I am actually am an ADD reject. They wouldn't let me in the class. It was said that my attention span is actually normal and that my bad behavior wasn't the result of any learning disability, but that I was just a rotten kid. Secondly, I think you for the harsh, yet probably true criticism regarding the "soft" opinions. I think I have read enough talk-backs to try and form some stronger opinions now. Let me know how I do.... F*&$# basement-living geeks - try a##-&*$% a girl for a change instead of J*&%$ your own #$%^@ with your mama's @#$*. F%$# first posters... F(*&%# them up their stupid @#%^&. How was that? Do I win your approval now? (Hopefully if the idiot answers yes an 18 wheel semi will swerve into me on my way home and I'll roast slowly in horrible agony). Seriously, I have formed my first strong AICN talk-back opinion....Phantom Stan, you are an idiot.

  • March 5, 2003, 3:33 p.m. CST

    Super-Nova

    by Huneybee

    That part about being an AICN reject really struck a chord, huh? ;)

  • March 5, 2003, 3:52 p.m. CST

    Drew Mcwinny ?

    by steviesuper

    Who the hell is this Drew Mcwinny anyway and whats he done thats warranted this rabble? I think theres a larger audience in this guys head. This website isnt as good as it used to be.

  • March 5, 2003, 4:40 p.m. CST

    Thank you, ebonic

    by rev_skarekroe

    But I more closely resemble classic-era Undertaker. But without the tattoos. Or, uh, the muscles. As for KeyboardCommando - well, you certainly put me in my place! sk

  • March 5, 2003, 5:38 p.m. CST

    I missed you Drew

    by Lt. Dan's Legs

    I missed your sweet musings about yourself. Thank god that silly cartoon gave you a reason to talk about yourself some more. There's nothing quite as entertaining as public masturbation.

  • March 5, 2003, 5:41 p.m. CST

    Hey Rev

    by Lt. Dan's Legs

    I got banned for doing none of those things. What excuse do they have for that? I got banned because of an filter they had to automatically ban anyone that mentioned Facer, which they have since removed. At least temporarily.

  • March 5, 2003, 6:04 p.m. CST

    Huney....

    by DocPazuzu

    ...Folgers? You disappoint me....

  • March 5, 2003, 6:09 p.m. CST

    Ah, the "bloated sellout" line of yesteryear...

    by GenericGeek

    What happened to The Warrior, anyway? But on topic, you know which AICN writer doesn't get crap on the talkbacks? Quint! He's all about the movies. Good for him.

  • March 5, 2003, 6:42 p.m. CST

    Thank you for proving my point, SuperNova...

    by Huneybee

    Now have fun slinging poo, though you'll have to masturbate a bit more to increase the strength in your puny little arm if you want to fling it against the wall of the TB as some idiot has stretched the width out again. No doubt it's yet another of your "friends." Oh, and I'm not a football fan. Nice try though. lol Perhaps when you grow up, your insults will mature, too. :)

  • March 5, 2003, 7:07 p.m. CST

    thefacer.net

    by Mr Brownstone

    when I click on any of the links on the Drew McWeeny page at thefacer.net it freezes my frikkin browser! Anybody else have this problem????

  • March 5, 2003, 8:09 p.m. CST

    Ban that shit-fuck Nordling!

    by Jesse Custard

  • March 5, 2003, 8:33 p.m. CST

    HAHAHA TREKBBS- THE DRAMA KING OF THE INTERNET, I used to be inv

    by TheMatarife

    Gods, the drama on that site was ridculous. I felt bad for all the banned people so I started to partially align myself with some of the trolls and spoke up for them when they would get banned or when I felt Christian was being wrong. I really fell bad about it now, and I'd like to apologize to both sides. I left almost 9 months ago and I'm glad I'm no longer involved. I hope they both forgive me.

  • March 5, 2003, 8:34 p.m. CST

    TROLLS

    by FizzenBarber

    Tis I, Dino! I have been forced to pick a less creative and humorous nick, for I too have been maliciously BANNED from this forum. This has caused me such grief and suffering, that I have retreated into the arms of an eighty-six year old man named "Smith." With his care and soft skin, I have emerged to once again voice the opinions of the grocery store managers across this arrogant nation. I must be earnest in what I say. True words and phrases will get punished in chatroom dictatorship. For this, I shall be brief. Amusement and jolly would come from the free sample of easy kicking. Zeus knows such a situation is the only life blood of such muggles. But, a mission, is before me. A caravan of faults that have been revealed in such a dwelling. Outrage for those who cannot look in the mirror. Cotton candy for whom the mirror is being held. Reading the pros of said facer, I have come across a familiar craft. An old communicator has been forged. One who knows secrets. To this, I have no judgement. Fellow channel pathetics, I have no criticisms. Sir Moriarty; frightened is the dove who claims to be the eagle. Oscar has spoken.

  • March 5, 2003, 8:49 p.m. CST

    by Josey Wales

    McWeeny. Heh. You can't make this shit up.

  • March 5, 2003, 8:55 p.m. CST

    getting banned

    by jackburtonlives

    sweet j*** what talkback have i stumbled into! but i have to admit, the banning thing is a bit out of control. i was banned once and was completely shocked. i checked the story where my posts had ALL BEEN DELETED and they were talking about david carradine's well-documented drinking problem. i was living in Toronto at one point while carradine was filming the TV show KUNG FU: THE EMBARRASSMENT CONTINUES and his drunken escapades were well reported in the media (esp. his crashing thru a window in the skydome because they wouldn't let someone who looked like a drunk transcient enter). harry put up a post to explain that "david has since cleaned up his act". uhhh... yeah... so any past event is out of bounds? whatever. ********THEN i went to another story (on the same day) and read some guy saying about christinna ricci, "i want to harpoon her jugs and sign my signature on her mongo forehead" and that wasn't banned???? give me a break. the banning policy is obviously unfair and arbitrary. there are obviously "taboo" subjects (certain directors, actors, etc.). so harry, why not just put a disclaimer on the site saying, "you are free to express yourself as long as you do not express a negative opinion on... tarantino.... carradine... spy kids... etc.). ahem... that's my rant. as you were.

  • March 5, 2003, 9:15 p.m. CST

    I know where he got Chris Walken from.

    by AttackingClone

    His source said "it's an older guy named Christopher, who is a great actor, and has a really distinctive voice".*******BTW McWeeny, anyway u could send me the MK3 script? I'll kill you if it's shite.

  • March 5, 2003, 9:33 p.m. CST

    Brass-Monkey...FUCK OFF!!! and other random thoughts...

    by Dog Of Mystery

    It's nice to see a TalkBack with a little bit of character. Nice to see the boys playing, though I'm sure that'll change if Fett or George chimes in. I'm actually glad to see Moriarty get spoofed, because this means he really HAS made it. He is an institution now. He might not necessarily be the ESTABLISHMENT, but he's become valued for his opinions. Hell, there's even a chance that his work-for-hire scripts might better than you fucksticks are expecting. I'm not expecting LAWRENCE OF ARABIA from either MORTAL KOMBAT III or POSTHUMAN. But I'll go see them both just because I feel a kinship with and a loyalty to our good Professor.

  • March 5, 2003, 10:28 p.m. CST

    I got a few laughs out of the thefacer parody and want to see mo

    by Tall_Boy

    but some of it was just kind of unfunny and drags. However, I can realize how Drew got a chuckle out of it, who wouldn't get a kick outta seeing themselves roasted in an online animation. Bring on more, but be a little more original too (Drew snapping every 30 seconds kinda wore thin, but the porn shop he worked in was funny though. Harry talking as Jabba was a south park rip off, but made a little more sense in this context)

  • March 5, 2003, 10:58 p.m. CST

    i'm all out of love, i'm so lost without you

    by MiltonWaddams

    the facer cartoon isn't funny. not because i have this hardon for the aicn staff (nordling), but because it just isn't funny. the main joke in the thing was that drew was fat. good one! and making fun of the animation quality? that's weak at best, and you know it.

  • March 5, 2003, 11:54 p.m. CST

    Congrats, SuperNova! You *finally* said something funny!

    by Huneybee

    Unfortunately I was laughing AT you, not WITH you, but then I'm not sure you know the difference anyway. You're so used to the former.____Do you commute to work on the short bus?? Let me try this again...and, if that fails, perhaps you can borrow Stan's Sarcasm Detector as his, at least, seems to be up and running now.___<Super-Nova> Supposedly disgusting and amusing remark about anal sex and football teams to make Huneybee run away and cry about what a bad boy you are while your friends cheer you on in the background. <Huneybee> You're an unfunny, stupid bastard if you honestly think that after years of TBs and chat your approach will work. I shall use sarcasm to demonstrate. <Super-Nova> *scratches ass and winds watch while attempting to post a new pseudo-witty reply* Huneybee, you're stupid. Oh, and I didn't get it at all because I'm smart...wait...oh, ok. That looks alright. *hits enter*____Would you have gotten it if I'd kept it shorter and simpler, thus making it more on your level? You know, something along the lines of "Super-Nova! You disgusting pervert! Football?? Ewwwww!"____Is *that* better? Hmmmm? No? Aw, fuck it. I'm going to bed now, dumbass. Perhaps by the time I return tomorrow evening you'll have had someone explain it to you. :)

  • March 6, 2003, 1 a.m. CST

    Drew McWeenie........it could be worse

    by SLEAZY DINOSAUR

    As names go, I suppose somebody might catch a little flack for that one, but I can beat it, in high school, we would sometimes have this substitute teacher, that was a man and his name was Guy Love. Just let that sink in for a second, that was really his name, and of course the class would give him hell, it didn't help matters that he seemed a little swishy to. If I had a name like that and was going to be teaching substitute classes, I think I would just lie and say my name was George or Mike or something.

  • March 6, 2003, 3:40 a.m. CST

    This one's for you Lewis Black

    by NoOpinion

    This is my final word on this, because frankly I have better things to do. Lewis Black, I don't think it's my site to ask someone to leave, and you've been asking people to leave who don't deserve to be here for years huh? Your definition of someone who doesn't deserve to be here is someone who doesn't agree with you, which lets face it is probably most people. Now I'm done here, not because you or your little buddies have beaten me. I really couldn't care less what you say. The point here is you don't matter, you don't fucking matter. In a "war of words" like this there can't be a winner, you can't win because you're wrong and everything you say just proves me right. You seem to have some almighty opinion of yourself that your way goes. Well I've seen your little facer buddies site, bunch of losers sitting calling each other homo's, that idiot brass monkey going on about the impending war with AICN. Puuuhlease, fucking grow up. And I can't win because you're too much of an idiot to realise when you've lost. You're obnoxious ramblings can be picked apart with ease, but you keep going...and going. This really seems to be an important part of your life so you can have it. My one regret is that I'll never meet the fat fucking loser in his boxers sitting behind his computer getting a boner about internet site wars that is Lewis Black. Because I would dearly love to smash your stupid fucking face in....not very adult of me I admit, but I'd really enjoy it....the floor is your's Lewis go do your life's work.

  • March 6, 2003, 4:25 a.m. CST

    BOR-ING!

    by jigsaw

    The Drew McWeeny show...probably the most rediculously boring South Park ripoff. But, to The Facer's credit, the characterization of McWeeny was pretty funny, until he got angry. Then I just got annoyed. But not at McWeeny.

  • March 6, 2003, 2:04 p.m. CST

    good reaction mori!

    by drjones

    actually i DON`T UNDERSTAND the masochistic(i dunno if it`s the right spelling)people coming here who HATE AICN and maybe even post in tb. is that logical?? well to me it makes just no sense. keep up the great work!