"We don’t hire dirty centaurs."
Hardball
- “America only wants to ignore the United Nations for seven to ten days. And we'll go right back to pretending we care what they say.”
- “Chris, France does not oppose this war because we are pro-Iraq. We oppose it because we are anti-American. Let's face it, you guys are ridiculous.”
- “That's big talk from a country whose only contributions to world culture in 50 years are Gerard Depardieu and that horny skunk.”
- B
Monlogue: Christopher Walken
- “You know, this is the part of the show where you can be yourself and do whatever you want. Hit it.”
- “All week we tried to think of something do at the top of the show and couldn't. And then i thought, I've done the show six times, just get it over with.”
- “I can do crazy mix-em-ups, whatever I want. I can tap dance. And then I remembered what always works. Girls!”
- C+
Poolhall Junkies
- “Ain’t It Cool News says, ‘This film’s for you. Walken is a gem.’"
- A+
Pranksters
- “I jumped out and pranked him to death with a tire iron.”
- “What's not to understand? He was a Stiffly Stifferson, so I stuck it to him. Whammy.”
- “Good, because I hate Stiffly Stiffersons. I want to prank them for hours in my basement.”
- B
The Continental
- “Please, sit. Normally, I would offer you vintage champagne and caviar but I have grown impatient with the French. Ever since them froggies stabbed Colin Powell in the back, I eschewll things French. Who knew? That's the only place champagne comes from!”
- “I cannot help but notice you admire my video collections. Snoop. You got to love the guy. He knows how to spend his money, eh? Do you enjoy some spice in your video life? What you see here is the tip of the iceberg. The rest is concealed away. Would you like to take a peek? Maybe we could make a movie together.”
- “Let me show you my line of homemade beauty products you'll be modeling. No animals used. Lip gloss, huh? Try some. Ow! If that was love bite, then you must love me a lot. Look at this, you broke the skin, bad vixen. You naughty cougar. But you must kiss it. Come on, come on. Make it better. Forgive me, please, my passions overtook me. I forgot myself. I let the little head think for the big one.”
- B+
Raft Captain Election
- “Good morning. It's good to be here. I suppose I should start by addressing what is surely on all of your minds, my record as a captain. I realize you probably know me best as the captain who sunk our ship and brought about this regrettable situation. I can see now that it was foolish to take a shortcut through iceberg alley when it was only gonna shave 10 to 15 minutes off our three-week trip. I can also admit that it was a mistake to use all of the flares from this lifeboat to light my farts. I was trying to improve raft morale, but only succeeded in causing pretty serious burn scars. Also, regards to past two nights, I'd like to apologize for the gay stuff.”
- “You don't need to be a cook to know that our food situation is dire. We need to ration our food. There has been no reason to throw our food in the water as bait when we have no means to catch the fish.”
- “Look, I'll be brief. I think all of us can agree that we have a problem on this raft. A problem that slathers on sun block as if in limitless supply. A problem that sings songs without knowing any of the lyrics. A problem that urinates and defecates into the boat as opposed to in the water. Stop it!”
- A
African-American Archives
- “While the now classic film unspooled and everyone in the audience watched in rapt silence, Lucius, in a then-unheard-of display of emotion, rose to his feet and simply said, ‘Oh, no you ain't. Oh, no you ain't going in that monster's castle.’”
- “On that faithful day, Lucius Claymont became the first African-American man to yell at the movie screen, attempting through sheer volume and determination to communicate with the characters on the screen and warn them of impending danger.”
- “It would take some time, but soon, thanks to this one brave pioneer, black people everywhere would have the courage to yell at the movie screen. From the loud ‘I know you ain't even gonna be opening that closet’ to To the most plaintive, ‘Oh, no you didn't. He nasty!’ It all began with the work of the great Lucius Claymont.”
- A
Colonel Angus
- “Now, watch out, Melinda. Once a woman is introduced to Colonel Angus, she'll settle for nothing less.”
- “I don't know why people make such a big fuss over Colonel Angus. I myself never much cared for Colonel Angus. He rubs me the wrong way. I don't know why. Can't put my finger on it.”
- “Colonel Angus, you old carpetbagger!”
- A
Update
- “This week, the mind-blowing conclusion of ‘Joe Millionaire’ that Fox promised turned out to be a monetary prize. This is not nearly as exciting as the rumored surprise twist that Evan Marriott is really a shaved ape.”
- “According to new agricultural guidelines, farmers in Colorado will now be allowed to grow genetically modified corn. The genetically modified corn is the same as regular corn except that when you bite into it, it screams.”
- “Tina, girl, I'm an artist. You know? And, whatever you know, I'm like nobody's puppet or muppet and you know as far as the grammies go, I feel like - ooh, whoa-oh-oh-oh-ayee”
- Plus Steve Martin, Will Ferrell and Britney Spears!
- A
Ladies and Gentlemen, Foo Fighters!!
- “Done, done, and I’m on to the next one.”
- “Done, done, and I’m on to the next one.”
- “Done, done, and I’m on to the next one.”
- A+
Return of the Lov-ahs
- “Foreplay begins with tongue flicks and finger strokes. Quickly accelerating to polynesian soul kisses and gyrating haunches.”
- “I told my lover, ‘Guests are waiting downstairs outside,’ but he would hear none of it. Hensisted on a full 91 minutes of afterplay, leaving our parts raw from overuse.”
- “After consuming nearly three pounds of pate and other spreadable meats, she whispered in my ear, her breath rich with the heady scent of goose liver, that she desired to make love. I will tell you that though she was willing, she made not a peep throughout our entire lovemaking session.”
- A
Once again, Foo Fighters!
- “It's times like these you give and give again.”
- “It's times like these you learn to love again.”
- “It's times like these time and time again.”
- A+
The Rialto Grande with Buddy Mills
- “Sometimes I sit in the Le Sabre in our carport with the engine running, crying into my hands for hours because I miss her so much.”
- “They're gonna have to pay, Buddy. The only thing Audrey left me with was her hysterectomy bill and one of my nuts.”
- “If there are any ladies out there looking for love, forget it. I just want to put it in.”
- B-
Home Base
- “Jim Carrey. Where is he??”
Herc’s rating for “Saturday Night Live” 28.13?
****
The Hercules T. Strong Rating System:
- ***** better than we deserve
- **** better than most motion pictures
- *** actually worth your valuable time
- ** as horrible as most stuff on TV
- * makes you quietly pray for bulletins
Chris Kattan sucks.
In two weeks: Queen Latifah.
"I got a fever - and the only prescription - is more cowbell!"
Looking for bumper stickers, plush toys and girls’ underwear covered with cartoon double-amputees? Visit The Herc Store!
In two weeks: Queen Latifah.
"I got a fever - and the only prescription - is more cowbell!"
Looking for bumper stickers, plush toys and girls’ underwear covered with cartoon double-amputees? Visit The Herc Store!
