OLD SCHOOL review

If the sight of two exceptionally fuckable topless college girls with rosy-red nipples absolutely covered head to toe with K-Y Jelly set to wrestle with an octogenarian gets to you, see OLD SCHOOL, go now.

If seeing Will Ferrell blossom forth on screen as what can only be called a retarded ballerina overcoming their handicap and triumphing in an Oksana Baiul sort of moment makes you anticipate your giggle, then see OLD SCHOOL.

If you’ve been hankering for a pasty white hairy out-of-shape asscrack jiggling through the streets of College Town, USA, then see OLD SCHOOL.

If not, fuck off! Don’t see it. Keep your elitist ass out of the theater, don’t go! If you’re disgusted and offended… Fuck off! If Adults cussing and knocking around kids offends your delicate pampered sensibilities… Fuck off! This isn’t the movie for ya. However, if right now you can imagine seeing a movie with these sorts of things going on… If Gang Bang humor floats your boat… If underage OOPS sex makes you giggle… If you want to see an entire line of guys with cinderblocks tied to their cocks and that fills you with glee, or like Rav gives you a night's worth of entertaining experimental sex urges… THIS IS THE MOVIE FOR YOU. If not, fuck off.

It really is that simple. I mean, this has outrageous funny as hell moments that the sheer audacity and improper politically incorrectness makes you shocked while laughing… ah, I mean this made me laugh hard. I mean lose a kidney hard. Spleen damage hard. And ya know, one look at Rotten Tomatoes tells me there is a whole slew of reviewers that… well should have just Fucked Off, because they had a miserable time with the film.

I felt the film had a strong absurdist moral center. Everyone had personal barriers and rules of conduct… except Will Ferrell who should be fucking institutionalized for the safety of chipmunks everywhere. He’s wrong. Just all sorts of fucked up. And yes I understand the theory that he was, “playing a character,” but personally I think that’s just a cover for serious mental illness. He’ll end up on a tower on a college campus someday shooting at dots. He’s disturbed.

Vince Vaughn on the other hand… well, he’s only mildly delusional in a bi-polar fashion, but I think under proper adult supervision and moderate usage of tasers and choke leashes he’s available for neighborhood walks and card games.

Luke Wilson, I feel, is repressed and really needs to smoke more pot. He just needs to cut loose, get laid, and understand that what he had with his old lady was pure love and that she was opening up a world, a beautiful and touching world that would have given him personal insight into things he only dreamed about as an adolescent with his penis stuck in a shampoo bottle for two hours on that Friday morning causing him to be late for school. But he chose to be traumatized by that experience and didn’t understand that having one’s privates restrained by powers beyond that of your control… well was about trust in inanimate objects and eventual shrinkage… but that’s neither here nor there, just one of those things that I feel most likely was a cause for him pulling away from an opportunity at a better, freer life.

Todd Phillips was that guy that directed ROAD TRIP, this was better… those two vaseline covered college chicks and the mass penis/rope/cinder-block scenes… really made the difference.

Oh, and Will Ferrell’s beautiful singing voice, dance choreography, gymnastic skills, jogging and imitation of that dying water buffalo in APOCALYPSE NOW… all just grade A stuff. I mean, that’s exactly why he should seek containment in some manner of Federally subsidized facility for the mentally and criminally challenged. I think this is a positive thing for him.

And I’ve never seen what my ass looked like laying nude on a grassy knoll before, I’m very thankful to Mr Phillips for giving me an idea of just how sexy my ass could be… if I were a sex machine with a real hot groove. As always a film should reflect truths about one’s self… this moment made me more complete. Thank you.

Personally, seriously for a moment here, I really did feel this was an exceptional comedy with complete and utter irreverence for humanity and the basic innate sense of decency that God gave to a self-abusing chafed fool sitting at his computer shaking his head at this sentence. I’m very pleased with this film. It made my day.