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Absolute Nonsense About EPISODE III!!

Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.

This isn’t true. Not a word of it. I’d be willing to wager Harry’s entire fortune on it. I’m running it because I don’t want to disappoint any of you who love to get worked up about AICN running “bullshit.” Consider this your full week’s load of bullshit all at once. Get a big spoon, too, ‘cause there’s a lot of it here...

Hi Harry! Call me Darthbreaker Kid. As a long time reader of your site, I felt this report could be groundbreaking news to you...

First off, let me introduce myself to you. I live in San Francisco, and I'm beginning graduate studies in screenwriting right now (part time). I have a friend of mine who happens to be closely involved into George Lucas actual screenwriting process. Of course, for legal purpose, I will not reveal any further detail on who this person is, or what's his job inside M. Lucas's tight circle of collaborators.

All I can say about this person is that "he" or "she" had the opportunity to read the COMPLETE FIRST DRAFT of Star Wars Episode III, and he did it today, since George Lucas appearantly finished the script yesterday. The fact that Lucas allowed him/her to read that script is explainable by his own innovative decision of submitting his first draft to a small "committee" of reviewers whose members consist of a few of his close collaborators and some other colleagues that are not very "influent" in the industry, in order to have their opinions on what they've liked and what they've disliked about it. I think Geores Lucas just wanna be 110% sure to not miss is shot this time, as he did once for TPM (well, to some extent!).

As he got back from his "work" he (can be a "she", I just use the word "he" to make it easier) gave me a detailed description of this incredible script on the phone, vainly trying to stay cool while he was driving (he actually came close to hit a another car on the highway!). I'd say that on the many times he has talked to me over the phone when he was going back to his home for the weekend, it's the first time I heard him being so enthusiastic. Believe me, my friend had a lot to say. The story is very, very dark and has some stuff in it that's worth a PG-13 rating, but it still has somewhat of a happy ending, even if it doesn’t comply with Hollywood's standards of a happy ending. But I won't get any further on that, you'll see what I'm talking about when you'll read the story. According to him, the tentative title of Episode III is, as it was written down on the script's cover, "A Jedi's Destiny". I know that title will change, well.. I hope so...after all that's just a tentative title. The title is fine in some ways, but to my hears, it sounds a little bit too much "Expanded Universe" for my taste. Before reading, remember that this is only a description of the main plot points of the script, So here it is... a point-by-point description of everything that this friend told me about "Star Wars Episode III: A Jedi's Destiny", and watch out, that's some very hot piece of spoiler stuff:

First of all the story has an introduction that will ram the arse of every Star Wars fan in the world: the opening crawl is followed by the massive scene of a hundred Star Destroyers, from various sizes, charging at what is soon revealed to be the last remnants of the Trade Federation, that is still led by Nute Gunray. Thousands and thousands of Tie Fighters (also called "Clone Starfighters") and the "Wing" fighters (V-Wings, Y-Wings, and early X-Wings, wich are all non-clone piloted crafts). Then the whole story ends as any SW geek would predict: a cloaked Obi-Wan brings a baby (Luke Skywalker) to Owen Lars and his wife, and then disappears in the dusty landscape of Tattoine.

The Galactic Empire is declared by the Senate (or what's left of it...) right after the Trade Federation is defeated. On Alderaan, the Loyalist Commitee, led by Prince Bail Organa and Jedi Master Yoda declares the birth of the Rebel Alliance, and a few solar systems are joining the paramilitary group, as a few Jedis do (they all die later). Only Mace Windu and a few Jedis are still on Coruscant, but it seems that Mace stayed there to trace the source of a dark side presence he and Yoda felt recently.

There is a cool scene on Corellia where Bail Organa makes a deal with a great starship producer, who has lost his main client, the Trade Federation. The man is a great industrial who's called... Grando Carlissian. Carlissian contracts with Organa the production of a huge amount of large-sized spaceships -frigates, cruisers and destroyers- for the newborn Alliance. As it happens, there is a memorable sequence where a young Lando Carlissian tells his father (Grando Carlissian) he has to borrow a "Falcon" to go to a party on some planet. His father disagrees, a short dispute takes place between them, then Lando arrogantly steals a ship and flies away, to the great damn of his father. Then Grando gives a by-the-way lecture to Bail about raising childrens. Also, there is a line where Grando says something like: "Let's hope they'll all be built and shipped before the Empire comes for a visit!". That gives a nice impression of how the Empire's dictatorship is already born at that time.

There is a key discussion between Dooku and Sidious. That happens moments before Palpatine declares himself the Emperor of the Galaxy. We get to see them inside Sidious's "lair" on Coruscant, in the old warehouse district of Coruscant. Sidious says that "the time has come for the fall of the Jedi and the pitiful Republic", and he tells Dooku to get ready for the "final phase" of his plans, that they will together do the final mindgame on Anakin to make him to a Sith. As he is talking, we see Sidious in the middle of a great hall, approaching an object that's levitating above a circle of light on the floor. It is a small pyramid, with strange "carvings" on it. Appearantly, that would be a Sith Holocron, but it's up to you to guess. As Sidious opens his hands on each side of the pyramid, without touching it, he recites what appears to be an old Sith incantation, in the Sith language. Then the pyramid changes into... a shapeless "blackhole", or a form made of pure darkness, that is about the size of the body of a man. Sidious walks into it, and then the darkness gets sucked by his whole body in a strange way, with bursts of blue lightning emanating from him, and reaching the great walls and the colums of the hall. When it stops, Sidious remains physically unchanged. We see the uncloaked face of Palpatine smiling with an evil expression.

Padme, who was still on Naboo, is reported to have been abducted. General Obi Wan Kenobi, as he is returning from a long and dangerous "Crusade" to defend the Republic, alongside his padawan Anakin realizes that the whole Republic was fooled by Palpatine and now decides to join the Alliance. But Anakin does not agree with that... and the two are separating after an argument. The appearent enthusiastic friendship between the two Jedis that is seen during the first quarter of the script is now exploding into verbal rage, and even menaces on behalf of Anakin. Anakin leaves for Coruscant, going to see the Emperor and to meet with his fate. He leaves his lightsaber behind him, hoping one of his childrens will "make better use of it". Anakin has strong resentments against the Jedi Order, Obi-Wan and the rest of the Order still not willing to recognize him as a Jedi Knight despite the great feats he achieved during the Clone Wars, and is now more loyal to Palpatine than to the Jedis. Anakin is dispatched by the Emperor on a mission to save Padme.

The great duel between Anakin and Obi-wan takes place somewhere near the 2/3 of the script, but that is not the only major fight between a Sith and a Jedi... since Anakin will initially fight against Dooku, and Yoda will engage in a duel with Palpatine at the end of all the mayhem. How does that all happens?

First Anakin is fighting alongside the Empire forces (and a few fallen Jedis) in a mission to what is later revealed to be Dooku's base (a heavily guarded station on a volcanic planet full of huge forges and starship factories). Anakin, with the aid of Stormtroopers, overruns the base and he finally reaches Dooku. Of course, he discover that Dooku is not only the man behind the assassination of his mother, but the one responsible for the abduction of Padme. Dooku shows him being Padme suspended above a pit full of lava, ready to get thrown into death at Dooku's command. Dooku laughs and then enters... Palpatine, accompanied by red guards and stormtroopers. Palpatine defies Dooku (not for real, of course), and at the same time he lures Anakin into giving up to his hatred. In what my friend describes as "probably the most f****** disturbing moment in the whole damn trilogy", Dooku kills Padme... Anakin sees his wife horribly falling into molten lava, and he explodes into a burst of rage.

Then Obi-Wan, back on Alderran, realizes he has made a mistake to underestimate his padawan's talents as a Jedi. While he is on Alderaan with Yoda, he senses that the dark side endangers Anakin, and he decides to go after him in a desperate attempt to convince him to get back to the Order, with the agreement of Yoda to give him his title of Jedi Knight. But that's too late for him. As Obi Wan arrives on "Altair 6", the volcanic planet where Dooku is hiding, and he forces his way through a handful of fallen Jedis who are guarding the place, defeating them with both the Force and his lightsaber, he realizes Anakin has already fallen on the dark side. He enters the command center. Dooku is lying dead on the floor, slained to the chest, Anakin is crouching and struggling with what appears to be a terrible headache, as a mysterious hooded figure is welcoming Obi-Wan in hateful manners. He reveals himself to Obi-Wan as being Darth Sidious, the Dark Lord of the Sith who controlled the Senate for years. Obi-Wan calls after Anakin, telling him he's in a "dangerous situation" and that he came to save him. Then we see Anakin getting and opening his eyes... that are now burning of hatred. Anakin answers by saying that Anakin is no more, and that he is Darth Vader! As Darth Vader reveals his evil to Obi-Wan, he ignites a RED lightsaber, pointed at his old master. Obi-Wan refuses to fight with Anakin/Vader, saying that "there has been too much violence in this galaxy already", and that "it's time to stop". He repeatedly dodges Vader's attacks, without igniting his lighsaber against his old friend. Anakin/Vader tells Obi-Wan how the dark side seduced him when he avenged his mother, and that "only the dark side can bring Justice". Obi-Wan, emotionally schocked by Anakin's fall, finally cries to Anakin/Vader, that he has lost his mind and is corrupted by the dark side. As Anakin rushes to him once again, while the two are struggling among a huge complex of metal forging machines, mining robots and lava pits, Obi-Wan finally ignites his saber and the two Jedis engage in a violent fight. Anakin uses the dark side on Obi-Wan with massive strength, moving rocks and machine parts, but Obi-Wan, keeping his cold blood, remarkably slips away from Vader's Force attacks. Here we see a Obi-Wan who's mastering the Force in every way, elegant but deadly, so much that Anakin has trouble keeping momentum over Obi-Wan. In an access of tremendous rage, Anakin throws what was described as a "glowing ball of flaming energy" at Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan does a Force trick, dodging the fireball, and ends up behind Vader. He jumps again and then makes a small cut on the top of Anakin's head (think of the scar you see on Vader's bald head in ESB and ROTJ), and then gives another strike to his chest. That does not kill him, despite Vader is destabilized, and, screaming in pain, he falls into the molten lava pit.

The final fight ensues when Obi-Wan, crouching down in desolation on the footbrige (a moment after Anakin's fall), gets suddenly blasted by a ball of firing energy thrown at him by Sidious/Palpatine. Obi-Wan is lying half-conscious on the floor as the Dark Lord expresses his eagerness to "wipe him definitely from the Force". Sidious points his arm at Obi-Wan again, his hand begins to glow like fire, and says "Here comes your death, Master Kenobi!". And suddenly, the Dark Lord is violently pushed to the wall by an unknown force! We see Master Yoda entering the scene, with an expression of gravity. He says something like "No more Jedis you will destroy, Sidious!". Sidious gets up, and says "That's what we will see, Jedi!" and, filled with murderous rage, ignites a BLACK lightsaber (yes, a lightsaber with a BLACK blade!!!) and rushes towards Yoda. Without even igniting his own saber, Yoda effortlessly dodges Sidious's violent attacks by rolling and jumping at the speed of light. Then Yoda vanishes and Sidious hears his voice, coming from nowhere: "Your hatred makes you weaker, Sith WITCH". And then the little master reappears right behind Sidious. Sidious instantly turns toward Yoda with a quick and powerful lighsaber strike at him, but as Sidious's saber approaches the unarmed Yoda, the little green master "ignites himself", and a violent light suddenly emanates from his whole body, as if he were just a glowing being of very brillant light. The light shines in so much brillance that its rays are not only blinding Sidious, but partially burning his skin. The Dark Lord falls on his back, in terrible pain and confusion. Then a moment later, red guards and troopers arrive to the side of a devastated Sidious, who's just recovering from his temporary blindness. He finds no trace of either Yoda or Obi-Wan Kenobi. To him, he's not sure wheter if Yoda is still alive or not, but it is sure that Obi-Wan has escaped. And then we see an horribly scarred figure crawling out from a pit, looking like a living corpse. It's Vader. Palpatine stands tall in front of the rampant body, and tells him that if he choses to serve him as his master, he will be healed. Anakin agrees.

There is alos the huge fight inside the Jedi Temple, where Mace Windu is killed by Anakin himself, That happens when he finally discovers the true identity of Palpatine, gets back to the Temple, and decides to fall back after seeing that Ki Adi Mundi (yes!) and the some remaining Jedis of the Order have fallen on the dark side, and are ordered by Palpatine "to slay all resistant presence". Mace Windu is found, but successfully defends himself, slaying the Dark Jedis with the support of the few other Jedis who stayed true to the Force. But Anakin, at this time, steps in, and thinking that he's defending the Jedi Order against traitors, he attacks Windu and the few good Jedis. A short duel ensues. Anakin begins to use the dark side and is very strong. The Jedis are killed by Anakin, and Windu, cornered by Anakin on the edge of a ledge outside the Jedi Temple, chooses to let himself die the same way Obi-Wan dies in ANH, as Anakin strikes him and Windu mysteriously vanishes. Before Anakin strikes, Mace Windu tells Anakin that he his dominated by his sorrow, and only the light can save him. But Anakin did'nt understood, having already lost his mind.

A Death Star prototype is used near the end of the story. It's somewhat smaller, and more "functionality-oriented" (resembling more a moon-sized canon), to the ones in ANH and ROTJ. Vader himself (in full body armor) commands the Death Star, with Grand Moff Tarkin on his side... to destroy the planet of Naboo, as a test to produce a full Death Star. During that moment, Vader whispers to himself that it is "the last memento of his lost love", so he thinks he will forget his pain that way, by disintegrating a remnant of his wonderful past.

The Skywalker twins are being nurtured on Alderaan while the story takes place. They are supposed to be seen only in the ending sequences of the film, on Alderaan.

So that's it! there's probably some stuff that either I or my friend forgot about the script, but the most important stuff is right there. And I don't know what you thik about it, but I personally think this is the stuff that could make any Star Wars fan forgot all the aftertaste he had from TPM or even AOTC (for a few of us), as soon as the movie is well directed...

By the way, I hesitated to send you this report since the moment I first began to write it down yesterday. I thought you'd probably take me for a troll or something, since you don't know me and, more importantly, you may be one of the world's most well-informed film geek on the current developments of the last chapter of the Star Wars trilogy, so you may be able to see the difference between a true report and a piece of written crap from many yards away (at least). But then again, it's a risk I'm taking for all the SW fans on this planet, and not to break their surprise for the next film, but to show them how the final chapter of the SW franchise is going to give them all that they've dreamed of since they first saw a Star Wars film and wanted "more"!

Oh... my ribs... can’t stop laughing... this is even better than Film Threat’s recent totally bullshit EPISODE III scoop. The total lack of news coming out of Skywalker Ranch seems to be making fanboys crazy, and they’re starting to come up with more and more hilarious ways to entertain themselves...

"Moriarty" out.

Readers Talkback
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  • Jan. 12, 2003, 11:12 p.m. CST

    And it's in Engrish, too

    by ellid

    If this person is a film student, I'm the love child of Anton LaVey and Adolf's Instant Meat Marinade. "Slained in the chest"? Good Lord, that is lame. Thanks, Moriarty. This is the best bit of strangeness I've seen all weekend.

  • Jan. 12, 2003, 11:12 p.m. CST

    This is True!!

    by SoulOnIce

    Sources tell me that this is true info. You will eat your words Mori!!!

  • Jan. 12, 2003, 11:13 p.m. CST

    News scoop

    by Malcar

    Episode III ends with Vader and the empire invading Tatooine and freeing the slaves. Lucas has had this plan since the begining. I imagine since it he wanted an up beat at the end of the downbeat third movie. This shows there is still a little good left in him and sets up the next three movies.

  • Jan. 12, 2003, 11:19 p.m. CST

    Altair 6?

    by Batutta

    Come on, dude.

  • Jan. 12, 2003, 11:37 p.m. CST

    I fell on the dark side once, and stepped in a big pile of poo.

    by darth jobu

    This is nothing more than a linear interpolation between (EpI & II) and (EpIV, V, & VI). We fans thought of alot of this after EpII, nothing new. In fact this guy forgot about Dagobah completely! Obi Wan drops Yoda off on the way to Tatooine...allow me to quote Luke on Dagobah in ESB "...this place does seem familiar in a dream".

  • Jan. 12, 2003, 11:38 p.m. CST


    by ThaGuru

    Wow this seems to have been written by a someone who ingested large amounts of LSD and fell asleep with the trilogy on and some Star Wars CCG cards on his lap

  • Jan. 12, 2003, 11:39 p.m. CST

    So, I can send in "Absolute Nonsense"...

    by PoopsMcGee

    ...and Mori will post it? OK then, I have a scoop on T3: Rise of the Machines. Ready? IT WILL SUCK HORRIBLY AND MASSIVELY. Poops

  • Jan. 12, 2003, 11:41 p.m. CST

    If this is completely untrue, then I have a question.

    by Graham_Minnesota

    Why and the hell post it at all? I am sure AICN has recieved quite a few false notifications from individuals claiming that they have either read, know someone who has read, know someone who knows someone who has read, etc. the "Episode III" script. My only guess is that this website has begun to lag so significantly behind other film sites that it must post something of interest (even if it is loudly declared as bullshit by it's hosts.)

  • Jan. 12, 2003, 11:49 p.m. CST

    I knew this was fake when...

    by Laimbrane

    Well, actually when Moriarty said it was. And I'm glad, too. This sounds horrible. Important flaws: first of all, his friend read it, but it's almost as if he's seen it 300 times. Nobody's memory is that good. The fact that he recites long extended descriptions of fight scenes is a dead giveaway. Secondly, when he mentions the light saber swath that creates Vader's scar; I almost laughed out loud. Clearly spawned by a fanboy's overzealous attention to irrelevant details. Thirdly, there are no negative comments on it - at all - indicating that he had written it himself. Even Harry's splooge on his Episode II scoop had something bad to say. And lastly, the dialogue sounds like it was written by a horrible Japanese translator. "That's what we will see!" HA! Reminds me of some of those bad Japanese Nintendo imports of the early 90's. Please don't ever post these things again. You're only encouraging these morons.

  • Jan. 12, 2003, 11:59 p.m. CST

    by johnnysunshine

    You stated bluntly that you realize this is bullshit, so I'm still uncertain why its here. I think people who complain about bullshit on this site would be more appeased if the site stopped printing totally unfounded garbage like this. The writer who sent this in has major grammar issues. He's definitely not someone with "inside information" despite his attempts to make it sound like he's protecting the identity of some super-secret spy inside Lucasfilm.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 12:03 a.m. CST

    I believe this

    by FOBnation

    Why not believe this, who cares if this is right or wrong, wait for the movie and we'll find out. Till then lets bask into the glory of GOOD movies from directors that can actually direct.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 12:12 a.m. CST

    At what Graduate school is this guy enrolled?

    by Zardoz

    Barbizon school for hair? Burger King College? I shudder to think any reputable school would accept this illiterate moron, unless of course it's Yale, and his name is George W. Bush! This shithead couldn't be in an advanced course in fingerpainting, let alone screenwriting. (But I guess it would explain a lot of the crap that's being released onscreen these days)

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 12:24 a.m. CST

    I don't know....

    by Qwerty Uiop

    It sure SOUNDS like something Lucas would write...

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 12:28 a.m. CST

    Hell, its fake, but its not that bad...

    by Wonderboys

    Im sure that Lucas actual script is gonna suck harder than this fanboy wet dream. I would be happy if this scoop turned to be real, even...

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 12:32 a.m. CST

    Yeah, and AICN said Charlton Heston was to be in Ep I...

    by Moriarity Report

    LOL, this brings me back to those crazy days in '97 when everyone had a scoop that was just made up and they turned out to be so far from what we actually got. You know this report is false because its that same type of Star Wars Fan thinking. It's all based on knowledge of the Original Trilogy and what people thought and wanted the prequel trilogy to be.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 12:32 a.m. CST

    what about Yoda ending up on Dagobah?

    by The Dude Abides

    I always assumed he would kill Dooku there, which would explain the cave filled the the Dark Side of the Force. Anyone got anything on that?

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 12:33 a.m. CST

    That reads like an Episode of DragonBallZ.

    by The Dude Abides

    Which would probably be better than the actual shit Lucas will dredge up.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 12:36 a.m. CST

    Good Lord Almighty In A Gay Porn Film

    by St.Buggering

    That was truly horrid. What really gets to me is that this goombah no doubt submitted this because he thinks it sounds like a really cool movie. It sounds like a D&D geek excitedly telling you all about this really awesome campaign they ran one time. If you've ever gone to a convention and been cornered by one of those people, you know what I mean. I'm sure many of us are playing out the events of Episode III in our heads ahead of time, but hopefully, most of us can do better than THIS. Jesus.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 12:41 a.m. CST

    in the bullshit

    by ZO

    he forgot to include bobba fett but i'll laugh. pretty weak story too.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 12:42 a.m. CST

    Too bad it is not namesake would have made it into the

    by Sith Witch

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 12:48 a.m. CST

    Didn't Moriarity swear Christopher Walken would be in Episode 2?

    by Silver Shamrock

    I guess he knows BS when he sees it, doesn't he????

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 12:49 a.m. CST

    I know what happens in Ep III

    by Pattymelt

    Not saying how, but I know about one key scene that will spoil all the fun if you read this, but here it is. It is the BIG SURPRISE in Episode III. Senator Palpatine is a all his scenes, he truly means whatever he is saying. He honestly does love the republic, he does indeed love democracy. He thinks he is working in the best iterests of the Republic. In one of the last scenes of the film, Supreme Chancellor Palpatine is in his office and is confronted by the hooded figure that we know as Darth Sidious. Palpatine has no idea who this is. After some badly written, overly dramatic dialogue (typical of Lucas), Sidious casts off his cloak and reveals his face to Palpatine...who is stunned and horrified to see a mirror-reflection of himself. It is explained to Palpatine that he was created as a replacement some years ago. Darth Sidious is evil, a pure dark master, and the Jedi would have seen through his disguise and deceptions. The only way for him to control the Senate was to do so through a puppet - one that he could manipulate through advisors and the various crises he created, such as the Trade Federation nonsense. Darth Sidious used the Palpatine clone as a place-holder for himself. He always intended to maneuver Palpatine into a position of power so that one day he could take his place and become Emperor. That day finally comes in the last part of Episode III. This is the big shock...the other two movies in the Prequel Trilogy have led you to believe that Palpatine is evil,when all along he was not. He was an innocent victim of manipulation - a clone created with no vice or forc-tendencies to get under the Jedi radar. He is sort of a Trojan Horse, I guess...and is the means by which Darth Sidious becomes Emperor. The only thing I wasn't told was if Darth Sidious really was originally a man named Palpatine living on Naboo. I have no idea when he was replaced as a clone. I would assume it was before Palpatine became a Senator...because on Coruscant he would be in contact with many Jedi. My guess is that he trained in the Sith arts in secret on Naboo, keeping a low cover, and when he decided to make his move and become a Senator, he had the clone version of himself created - and given a false memory of having lived on Naboo its whole life and run for the Senate. This way, the Clone-Palpatine went off to Coruscant completely unaware of its part in an elaborate and long-term plot to bring down the Republic. The REAL Palpatine, now in complete hiding and going only by the name Sidious, operated in the shadows manipulating the career of his clone and setting his plot in motion. The person who told me all this gave me the whole scoop on the other two films long before they came out. It all makes a lot of sense to me...and if it is filmed right, the fact that Palpatine was an unsuspecting clone of Sidious all along will make audiences gasp. Everyone thinks that Palpatine and Sidious are one and the same, but they are not. They are two separate men - though one was made from the other.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 1:08 a.m. CST

    how is this so very wrong?

    by jibril

    let me count the ways. 1)Grando??????? 2)If Bail Organa is going to talk to anyone on Corellia about the rebel alliance, it would be Senator Bel Iblis. But i sincerely doubt this will happen. 3)Anakin's mother wasn't "assassinated" by anyone and nobody thinks she was. She was captured by the sand people who aren't likely to be part of a political plot. 4)the death star prototype doesn't fit. if it did, then te characters from Ep IV wouldn't have been quite as shocked as they were. i don't feel like listing the various other gaping continuity holes in this. but it's so obvious that if this is real, we're in for a movie that would look pretty cool (as they all do) but be a new low in Sci-fi plot foul- ups (i mean WORSE than Highlander 2)

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 1:11 a.m. CST

    A black lightsaber?!!! WTF!!!!!!

    by blade_walker

    How in the fuck can you have a BLACK lightsaber that GLOWS? This guy is full of shit.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 1:11 a.m. CST

    Pattymelt and more spec

    by Recognizer

    Hey Pattymelt, I think that your spoilers are kinda fun, and my own further speculation is that Palpatine is actually "Jedi Master Cypher Dias", as it sounds like "Si-Dious", and "Cypher Dias" was said, by Obi-Wan, to have died "about ten years ago". <p> So if Palpatine's a clone, he's a clone of a fallen Jedi Master... very much in keeping with the series' themes. Though the series itself is not.

  • Somebody set up us the bomb. Sorry.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 1:19 a.m. CST

    I don't believe this for a second.

    by Noriko Takaya

    Man, there's so much fake SW bologna floating about it's pathetic. I can't wait to see what Lucas *really* brings us. And then by god, I want Episodes 7, 8 and 9! Comeon, you know you all wanna see the infant New Republic duking it out with the Yuuzhan Vong's religious fanatics! Especially if Lucas finally let other directors into the hot seat, like Spielberg, Scorsese or M. Night Shyamalan! Good goddamn, a Star Wars flick directed by M. Night would just stomp all comers at the box office. I wanna see it! Heck, if it's at *least* as good as AOTC it will be better then 90% of what's out there. Feel the Force! Toppu o Nerae!

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 1:43 a.m. CST

    "Just images really.. feelings.."

    by Randall Flagg

    "Tell me." "She was.. very beautiful. Kind.. yet, sad. Luke, why are you asking me this." "I have no memory of my mother." Assuming that Leia can retain these memories from infancy, surely Luke can too.. Wasn't Altair 6 the name of Forbidden Planet? Sounds like BS... and it also totally sounds like something Lucas would do.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 1:53 a.m. CST

    The novelization of AOTC

    by Lazarus Long

    If you're looking to fill in a little of the missing pieces, it's a pretty quick read. Some cool scenes that must have been in the script but didn't make the release cut (or the DVD!), like Obi-Wan learning about the Lost 20 Jedi from the librarian. Also, in the Kamino section you can see that the name of the dead Jedi Master is "Sifo-Dyas", which is pretty fucking close to Sidious. The book also mentions his death as being "untimely". It also coincides chronologically with the events of The Phantom Menace ("roughly ten years ago"). My theory: Palpatine IS Sifo-Dyas, who secretly ordered a clone army then faked his own death. Only problem is, how could he be a senator from Naboo and a high ranking Jedi at the same time? A dual identity wouldn't be too hard to manage if both people were based out of Coruscant. The clone theory sounds interesting, but it doesn't explain one thing: In Phanton Menace, during the Coruscant scene where Sidious is walking with Darth Maul (Sidious' only non-hologram appearance), you can clearly see the balcony they are on looks EXACTLY like the one behind Palpatine's office. Not a good hiding place for a clone. God I hope I don't die before this comes out.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 2:09 a.m. CST

    I think its true, Mori posted it just in case it is the real thi

    by MovieView

    and no, I don't think this guy's friend read it. I think he read and is scared shitless about losing his job so he's posting that a friend told him. Mori wouldn't post this if he was 100 percent sure it was fake.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 2:28 a.m. CST

    So this dickhead wants to be a screenwriter? That's funny, consi

    by a goonie

    Indeed. I'll see Episode 3 of course. Just as I'll see T3 next summer. But I have little to no hope for either of these projects. Attack of the Clones proved that Lucas and Hales are now absolute morons when it comes to screenwriting. ILM's CG work was often embarassing. And I imagine it will be in numero 3, too. And I wouldn't be surprised if Lucas takes a similar approach to this picture as he did with Clones: effects and big, flashy cartoonish action sequences first, characterization and attention to the relationships second. And last but not least, Christensen is coming back. That young man doesn't have a talented bone in his body. The mere thought of him trying to act his way through another movie is laughable.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 2:49 a.m. CST

    More breaking Ep III news...

    by jsm1978

    The role of Grando Carlissian will be, in fact, played by James Van Der Beek

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 3 a.m. CST


    by Lord_Soth

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 3:01 a.m. CST

    BigKato - Jedi Knights from AOTC

    by Blast Doh

    I competely agree with you about the Jedi in AOTC. I'll take almost anything Lucas throws out and I loved AOTC, but I'm level-headed enough to make fun of the movie at the same time for its huge flaws. One of these huge flaws was the movie's portrayal of the Jedis in their 'prime'. Please...they were nothing. I especially 'loved' how Lucas framed the arrival of the Jedi at the Geonosis coliseum as two-pack action figures that come in battle poses. Where was the awe? I'm a pretty forgiving audience member, but I didn't feel anything when 'hundreds of lightsabers ignited throughout the coliseum'. Not to start the LORT vs. SW debate, but at least The Two Towers got a similar moment right. When Gandalf makes his appearance at the battle of Helm's Deep, I felt the awe I was looking for in the Jedi moment. Whatever flaws TTT may have had, it AT LEAST got that moment right for me. As for AOTC, the only Jedi in the movie were Obi-Wan, Mace Windu, Yoda, and Anakin. The rest of them don't do a thing for me...except that one bald headed girl who gets a close-up of herself chopping a droid while shouting, "Daaah!!!". Excuse me...but what the FUCK was that? She makes me feel something alright...hatred. It's the oddest thing to want someone to die because of a shot that lasts one second. But I'm kind of odd... Yoda and the arrival of the clones was handled a bit better, but not by much. At least Yoda's entrance in the hanger was done perfectly.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 3:07 a.m. CST

    Grando? LMFAO

    by TheManWithNoName

    As soon as i saw Lando's father's name is GRANDO I cracked up.. Jedi's Destiny my ass get a fucking life asshole.... Grando. LMFAO

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 3:12 a.m. CST

    What's so laughable? Except for a few crappy bits, this really i

    by TheGinger Twit

    Of course, I'd much rather see a film that involves the twins in a much more perilous adventure where they must be kept out of harms way. Meanwhile seeing Han dodge the draft, while also rescuing Chewbacca from 'something' then moving on to secure the falcom in a bet while also conning a big loan out of Jabba the hutt... then dropping his entire shipment at the threat of a starship - hopeing to retreave it, but finding it gone... stolen by a young boba fett - where the fight between them continues through the end of the film. This can go along with everything else that is mentioned in this weeks 'ain't it not so cool news' .... oh well.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 3:13 a.m. CST

    Fett...Boba Fett.


    Boba Fett will kill Mace Windu. Lucas has said that Boba will be in Ep3.Stands to reason that HE will get his revenge.There is your big hole.BULLSHIT!!!!

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 3:14 a.m. CST

    My Two Cents On This Bullshit

    by Castor777

    Hmmm - now this was a screenplay this guy read? And this guy is getting into screenwriting, correct? Then what the hell is up with these huge long descriptions of how these fights occur? "Yoda jumps behind him and, OH WOW, he does a double backflip on top of his head and slices off his head and then shoves his lightsaber up the guys ass! OH OH, AND THEN..." I don't know about you guys, but anyone else here read a screenplay that tells you every little action bit in a fight? I mean, lets be honest here, if Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon were written that way it'd be well over 300 pages. Now given Quentin Tarantino did something like this for Kill Bill... well he's Quentin Tarantino and this is George Lucas we're talking about here. I don't know how exactly Lucas writes a screenplay (other than very poorly) but I'd be willing to bet he'd be paying choreographers and story board artists to get all over this shit and leave the screenplay with small sentences of action. After all, if Lucas were to give someone a screenplay and ask for suggestions he'd have to follow the rule of don't bore your readers and you want them to read down the page instead of left to right as this bullshit seems to imply. And I'll admit that I haven't been a fan of the past 2 episodes (although I can't lie I'm going to see Episode III when its released opening day, otherwise I wouldn't be reading this) but even for someone that isn't much of a fan, this doesn't make much sense. In the Sith there is only one master and one apprentice, correct? So why in the hell would Dooku sacrifice his position for Anakin? And why would Anakin join the Dark Side after the Dark Side just so happens to kill Padme? Maybe I missed something here, but right now I seriously don't buy any of that. And with this being the episode that brings the series together, shouldn't we be expecting a big start of the rebel alliance forming? I'm not trying to imply that I'm a huge fan of the series right now as some of the statements I just made might easily be proven false by a true fan of the series but I can't see how this could be real. I dunno, just my 2 cents.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 3:15 a.m. CST

    Actually, sound like Mori is covering his arse so that Lucas doe

    by TheGinger Twit

    C'mon Mori, what do you hate about this story?

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 3:25 a.m. CST

    uh, Lucas doesn't know jackall about Holocrons - therefore bulls

    by Tall_Boy

    and if EP. III climaxes with a Yoda / Sidious fight I'm gonna be ticked and this is comming from an TPM/ATOC loving fan. It should climax like the way the fans have always thought - ObiWan vs. Anakin over a volcano.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 3:32 a.m. CST

    What do you think happens to Amidala?

    by Pattymelt

    I've always wondered this. From what Leia said in ROTJ, she had to have known Amidala...and that would make her about five when Amidala finally dies. I can't remember anything before I was four-five...and if I was asked to describe my mother in those days, it would be a really vague description like the one Leia gave in ROTJ. So, I'm guessing the twins were separated when they were first born...with Luke probably being born first...since he was the one that Anakin/Vader knew about. Vader had no clue Leia existed...and it is really something out of one of those 30s serials that Lucas enjoyed as a kid to have twins be born as a total surprise, with one twin hidden for years from its father. I'm guessing the twins were born under some duress...maybe during some great, final battle in the Clone War. For some reason, Vader allows Luke to be sent off to his home planet of Tatooine. I don't know why the Emperor would have allowed that though...if Vader was a servant of the Emperor, I don't understand why he didn't insist on Anakin's son being raised on Coruscant and trained to be a master Sith himself. Maybe the Emperor didn't know Amidala was pregnant. At any rate, what happens to Leia has always been of great interest to me. I picture something along the lines of Vader having one last act of compassion in him by allowing Luke and Amidala to flee him - letting them escape in the chaos of some great battle. I bet any money it will be similar to the end of ROTJ where the Death Star is about to blow and people are running everywhere...and Luke takes compassion on Vader. I think Episode III will echo that scene...but this time it will be Vader pausing as he is about to kill Amidala, then lets her get away in a ship with the baby(ies). How she gets to Alderaan and if Amidala goes there too is a mystery to me. One possibility is that the woman she is talking about to Luke in ROTJ is not Amidala at all. It could be the wife of Bail Organa...or one of Amidala's hand maiden-attendants. With all the secrets in that family, even though Leia knows she was adopted into the Alderaan royal family, she might not know who her REAL mother is. She might have false memories of some other woman who smuggled Leia to Alderaan and Leia could have never actually remembered Amidala at all. I think that would be much more dramatic, actually...if Amidala had to make some sort of hurried Sophie's Choice, knowing she was about to die. Send this baby to the harsh desert...send this one to who knows where. Maybe she didn't even know where the kids would be case she was tortured by Vader to reveal the location. Now that I think about it, that makes the most sense of all. That would explain why Luke and Leia grew up unharassed by Vader. Vader never knew where Luke was sent, and he never knew Leia existed at all. Amidala's last act was to exile the twins to protect them, and then presumably died at the hands of Vader or to cause some explosion to throw him off the trail - sacrificing herself for her babies. I don't see her tumbling into lava though. She, and the audience, deserves better than that. And as for that "prototype death star" nonsense...that can't be true. If the entire planet of Naboo was destroyed, then there would be no shock when Alderaan was destroyed. It was obvious this was the first time any weapon like the Death Star had ever been used. Coruscant was never mentioned in the original trilogy, but it still exists. The only planet that is named in all the movies is Tatooine. Naboo is like Canada...even if it plays a part in galactic events and is nice and lovely, it's just not talked about much and flies low on the old radar.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 3:56 a.m. CST

    Most criminal of all, it was boring...

    by KONG33

    Don't print THAT, it'll kill AICN!

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 4 a.m. CST

    It might as well be true and accurate, wouldn't make a bit of di

    by Bari Umenema

    If that synopsis is episode 3 then I won't be surprised. If it's not I can confidently predict that whatever episode 3 turns out to be won't be much different than what we've just read. I'd be willing to bet that 50% of this "scoop" winds up in the final script. Carry on boys.

  • "If you're taking the Falcon, make sure you put some more gas in it, brother. I mean, son."

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 4:03 a.m. CST

    Don't give Lucas any ideas!

    by KONG33


  • Jan. 13, 2003, 4:26 a.m. CST

    Has anyone else noticed how ironic it was......

    by TheGinger Twit

    ... That Spaceballs took the piss out of Staw wars, yet Episode 2 has a dinar scene very similar to that one in spcae balls that could very well serve spaceballs even better in a future special edition... Yeah right, like tha't happen I know... but what ever happened to Spaceballs 3: The search for 2. I remember when Mel brooks announched in, both in cinscape magazine, and on Oprah! Whats the deal?

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 4:32 a.m. CST


    by Conan_the_Humble

    I hope this is true. It'll still be better than the crap George Lucas has released lately. Cheers.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 4:41 a.m. CST

    Would you like mild or hot sauce with your Grando nachos?

    by Greased_Wizard

    who cares

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 5:01 a.m. CST

    "Here comes your death, Master Kenobi!".

    by wabznasm

    'As it happens, there is a memorable sequence where a young Lando Carlissian tells his father (Grando Carlissian) he has to borrow a "Falcon" to go to a party on some planet'. That is the funniest thing I've read this year. Thanks Moriarty.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 5:04 a.m. CST


    by Qwerty Uiop

    Those are all sound reasons, especially the retard part, but considering what Lucas has done to previous continuity, I don't think such things a ship inception dates, blah, blah, blah will mean shit to him. "You will go to Yoda, the Jedi Master who trained me... uh, besides Qui Gon, that is..." Ben Kenobi, Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back the deluxe extra special version (this time for real! Seriously.)

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 6:10 a.m. CST


    by BuyNothing

    The big surprise isn't that Palpatine is a clone. The big surprise that the Jedis get all of their awesome powers not from The Force, as we have been led to believe, but from their devotion to Kendo. Also, in order to ensure the box-office viability of Ep III, Lucas has changed his plans slightly. Now the movie centers on Anakin Skywalker's quest to destroy an ancient ring of power. And Hayden will not be in the movie- instead Anakin will be an entirely computer generated character voiced by Tom Hanks. Buzz Lightyear will also be in the movie. Also a new rebel fighter named the Jagged-Taco-Bell-Promotional-Toy-That-Your-Child-Will-Choke-On Wing will debue along with the new and exciting battle droid called the Mattle-Mandated-Super-Duper-Ultra Battle Droid. I can hardly wait for Ep III to come out on video so I can finally see it.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 6:25 a.m. CST

    Even though this was written by a bored fanboy with no life, mos

    by CoolDan989

    I mean if I didn't know this whole thing was bullshit, every hair on my arms and neck would stand up when I read the part about Anakin going insane when Padme is knocked into the lava. But, alas, it is not true, and Moriarty's right, there are a few utterly ludicrous moments in this fanboy's spinnings. But my G

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 6:28 a.m. CST

    Stupid enter key! As I was saying...

    by CoolDan989

    My God, I can't believe there are some fanboys who really have nothing to do and would waste so much time making up all of this for no reason. I mean, what possible thrill could you get posting a fake scoop on a website! I mean, it would probably be something like this "HA HA! I posted a fake scoop on Ain't It Cool News! HA HA Ha ha ha....I'm gonna go have a sandwich".

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 6:38 a.m. CST


    by Avon

    this is bullshit. Most people could have guessed these plot points. Frankly, I would have done a better job of it though. We all know Yoda wants to "have" Obi-Wan. That's right, Yoda is a total sex maniac. Frankly, he should know better as he's about, what 800 years old? Another thing that strikes me is the fact that Anakin seems to like to wank alot...If you watch AOTC you'll see him in bed "saying hi to his monster". He claims it's just "bad dreams about his mom" but I'd say he's having a wank. This probably will be the major plot point in Star Wars Episode 3. He'll wank his way through the whole movie and join the dark side, meanwhile Amidala will watch in horror as she witnesses the terrible transformation. Obi-Wan is never the same after these tragic events and has to live out his life as an outcast and bum, probably taking up wanking as a profession. The end.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 6:54 a.m. CST

    This is actually better than the shit Lucas writes - he should h

    by Jabbathenutt


  • Jan. 13, 2003, 7:04 a.m. CST

    I wrote Alien 5... no, REALLY! I DID!

    by Belzecue

    Since AICN is now accepting Fanboy bullshit like this, try my opening scene to ALIEN 5...

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 7:11 a.m. CST

    I KNOW For a fact THIS REPORT *IS* True!

    by The Tao of Joe

    My cousin, Jay Fred works at burger king as one of the higher ups, and he told me about how george lucas has been contacting all of the fast food chains about making, as Master Yoda calls it, A "SITH"-Wich. Think of it, a delicious chicken or hamburger sandwich covered in mushrooms, and smothered in a rich and tangy black sith-sauce. Add four peices of bacon, which will be called "Pork-Sabers" in the comercials, and you truly have one evily delicious sandwich. Prepare to feel the true force of the darkside, as you begin to gasp for air, just like that guy with a lack of faith in A NEW HOPE, as the Sithwich's fat and colesterol content clog your arteries. The slogan will read as follows. "Its enough to make your heart join the Rebellion!" Honestly folks, as soon as this turd passes the lips of Lucas and co's rectums, this will all be over. Thank God. Also another way to find out this guy was a true star wars fan is that he didn't write the word FUCKING in its full profane glory. Its because most star wars fans are deeply involved with their church's youth groups. It has alot to do with a youth group crusade, where they made a bunch of t-shirts where Jesus is weilding a lightsaber against darth maul, who is referred to as Darth SATAN, and at the bottom of it, it says, "JESUS IS THE GREATEST JEDI OF THEM ALL. HE IS NOT ONLY THE NEW HOPE, BUT THE ONLY HOPE!" It worked. ToJ out.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 7:35 a.m. CST

    Introducing Hulk Hogan as Darth Steroid

    by hehateme


  • Jan. 13, 2003, 7:41 a.m. CST


    by squidman

    Not Carlissian. You'd think this guy would at least go to the trouble of getting the name right.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 8:06 a.m. CST

    Black lightsabre!! My Arse!

    by Gabba-UK

    This guy has obviously been using his AlamDV2 SFX software and figured no one would know about it. Check out the plugins for this rather wonderful piece of software and uoi will find a Dark Sabre!!! This guy is such an idiot I think Mori should post his email address so we can all tell him so!!

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 8:13 a.m. CST

    Christ it sounds like Lord Of The Rings

    by Indiana Clones


  • Jan. 13, 2003, 8:18 a.m. CST

    I don't know, it sounds like something Lucas would write.

    by DrJerkass

    I hope this is bullshit, because it sucks. However, it's just taking the fanboy rumors that have been building since 1977 and throwing in some rehashes of the few things that actually worked from the last two (yoda fighting again...). That's pretty much how Lucas writes his scripts. I'm still hoping he lets some screenwriters write this one and he just sticks to bragging about how smart he is.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 8:25 a.m. CST

    Could Ob-Wan be Leia's Dad?

    by cortezthekiller

    We know that Luke and Leia are brother and sister, but are they twins? Do we know for sure they have the same Dad? It seems strange to me that Vadar knows about Luke's birth, but doesn't know about Leia's. Could it be because he ain't Leia's daddy? Given the amount of supposition among SW fans about Ep. III, I'm pretty sure that George will try throw a little narrative grenade into the mix. So, is it possible that Amidala could shack up with Anakin, give birth to Luke, then run into the open arms of Obi-Wan as Anakin is tempted by the Dark Side, then give birth to Leia? And could this act of betrayal BE THE CATALYST that pushes Anakin into Dark Lordsville?

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 8:44 a.m. CST

    Episode 3

    by Two Fuses

    Hello to you all, first time responder here. I had to write to you about what fucking drug this guy is on.Maybe he aint and he has fallen for a good friends sick trick, no one knows but this is sick man. After the brilliant come back with episode 2, in my mind best film last year along with two towers, he cannot claim that this is legitimate stuff as he is. As you guys are claiming George Lucas and staff are probably shitting themselves from lack of control of the gut with laughter. All i can say is we may not know who this guy is who posted this but man, keep those stories to yourself or else one day you are going to feel a right prick.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 8:59 a.m. CST

    Grando Calrissian????

    by Bad Guy

    Bwaaaahaaaahaaaa!!!!!!! "Dad, can I borrow the keys to the Falcon?? Bwaaaahaaaahaaaa!!! I pretty much tuned out at that point. And where's Boba Fett during all this mess? "Ain't it Bullshit News" is more like it. Well, thanks for the laugh anyway.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 9:02 a.m. CST

    after reading that i have a strong suspicion...

    by pevenscrwn

    ...that the "scooper" has come up with this story line through countless hours of playtime with his action figures, and has most probably shot some sort of stop motion film based on his storyline with his home video camera down in his basement.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 9:13 a.m. CST

    It's still going to suck

    by abihu

    Lucas has bitten off more than he can chew, leaving far too many loose ends to tie up in one, two-hour movie. Like the wretched romance in AOTC, this one will have plot points that will be rushed and seem forced, making for an awful movie.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 9:24 a.m. CST

    Another KIDS Movie

    by MinasTirithII

    Wow, that is one hell of a boring script. But that's what I expect from lucas and the SW Franchise. FRODO LIVEs. Also, get PJ to save this movie, sign my petition, NOW!!!

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 9:25 a.m. CST

    Grando Calrissian...

    by Hobbitastic

    that's the funniest thing I've heard all year. Thank you, Harry, for not throwing out the best spoof of anything that has to do with Star Wars since Spaceballs. Is Han Solo's father named John Solo?

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 9:26 a.m. CST

    Why bother with SW when LOTR is sooo much better?

    by MinasTirithII

    Why harry, mori, let them just go to SW is not even about movie making anymore. The sense of adventure is gone with this one, the last one, the one before, and the last one in the first set of 3, ROTJ.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 9:28 a.m. CST

    The Sad Ugly Truth

    by NoNickName

    This Might turn out to be better than the real Episode III!

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 9:34 a.m. CST

    It's true!

    by GrandoCalrissian

    I am Grando Calrissian. My son's name is Lando. Would you like some refreshment? You're all invited, of course.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 9:40 a.m. CST

    Shovelling for GOLD

    by zinc_chameleon

    Some of this just isn't true. Padme doesn't die; she only appears to be dead. That suits the Emperor's purpose much more than killing her. It's been widely reported that Natalie Portman was shooting scenes for a yet-again digital remastering of the Return of the Jedi, where she is reunited with her children. (A single tear falls down my cheek!) However the Sith stuff is VERY GOOD. There's always been a problem for me why the Jedi hate the Sith so much; it's hinted at, but here is the real thing: the Sith have harnessed the Dark Side to create a technology that can enslave a Jedi against his will. Somehow, this toy isn't around for ROTJ, but that's just adding more texture to the saga. And it follows from TESB that the Dark Side can be stored in a physical location, as on Dagoba. Whether Lucas uses these ideas or not, they stand on their own.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 9:43 a.m. CST

    By the way...

    by GrandoCalrissian

    would anyone care for a Grolt 45?

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 9:46 a.m. CST

    What about Jar-Jar?

    by Delete Me

    He forgot to tell us about the part where Jar-Jar becomes... Darth-Darth Binks!

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 10:01 a.m. CST

    Say hi to Kirk and Spock on Altair Six

    by why2k?

    So imagine that, Dooku's base is on the same planet that the Enterprise was enroute to in the Star Trek episode "Amok Time." It's a small universe afterall. He left out the scene where the dying Mace transfers his Katra to Obi Wan... "Remember"

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 10:04 a.m. CST

    Everyone should hope this is legit. . .

    by Nice Marmot

    . . . cause it sounds better than Eps I & II. I guarantee it is also better than the finished product of the Ep III we will see in 2005. That Grando part is just as funny as any of Lucas's other "attempts" at humor in Eps I & II. I still say its bogus though & can't believe we all got to read it in the 1st place. Bring on the Hulk!!!!!

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 10:09 a.m. CST

    Are you kidding? That was GREAT!

    by rev_skarekroe

    Made especially good by the complete lack of any info regarding Jar-Jar Binks, R2-D2, C3P0, Boba Fett, or the planet Dagobah. Can't wait 'til he gots a leaked copy of Indy IV! sk

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 10:10 a.m. CST


    by FranklinCobb

    Honestly, it's the "Grando Calrissian" that gives it away.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 10:29 a.m. CST

    Well, it's proof if ever I needed it that Corona has now overtak

    by Salem Hanna

    Corona print stuff they're dubious about, but never stuff that they claim they KNOW is crap. Moriarty, if you know talkbackers love slagging off AICN for bullshit stories, don't TELL us it's bullshit, or we'll save our vitriol for a story that this site claims is a genuine scoop. Posting this to help us 'get it out of our system' is like that crap program You've Been Framed showing a special on clips that it knows have been faked. Basically, there's no point. Of course I still come to this site every day; the talkbacks are hilarious, they're the only great thing left about this site. Over and out.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 10:34 a.m. CST

    What would you doooo for a SITH WICH??

    by se7en-x2000

    omg SITH WITCH? Say that three times fast, makes ya hungry.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 10:39 a.m. CST

    nonsense about episode III

    by tjs

    I don't think mr.L would kill off Padme like that. and did not Leia have some memory of her mother in ROTJ from when she was little. while we're making shit up lets have Chewie as a used speeder sales-man selling to Yoda the fastest transport this side of coraban out'a here, couse he knows of an out of the way place with a good veiw and nice swimming.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 10:43 a.m. CST

    It's LUCAS!!!

    by Mako

    Hey you never know... it could be Lucas wanting to see what kind of reaction his current storyline would get here at AICN... hehehehehehehe... but coming up with GRANDO? Think of how funny that would sound on the big screen... I don't think so.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 10:52 a.m. CST

    I LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    by Pageiv

    What the hell was wrong with that story??? Just got to have Padme lose part of her clothing before she fries.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 11:12 a.m. CST

    LOL Tao of Joe

    by The Dude Abides

    That bit about Darth Satan and Jesus being the one and only New Hope had me cackling.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 11:35 a.m. CST

    Grando rap 2.7

    by casmcthorn

    remember when he powdered his fanny with the talkin/now he stole the keys to the millenium falcon/Grandodon't take no jive/little boba fhett is the greatest bounty hunter alivepeace out from the carlissians word! Barry rules!!!He and this fanboy need to hook up.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 11:41 a.m. CST

    "to the great damn of his father"

    by RenoNevada2000

    Would that be Boulder Damn?

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 11:52 a.m. CST

    "But Anakin did'nt understood, having already lost his mind." B

    by hipcheck13

    I don't know what's funnier - THAT line or Yoda calling someone a "SITH WITCH!" Sweet Mother McCreedy, why can't the doofus who wrote this summary be hired to write a sitcom or something?

  • Jan. 13, 2003, noon CST

    I am so worked up about AICN running this bullshit!

    by Rollo Tomassi

    I thought someone should say it.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 12:11 p.m. CST

    Ref:Roger Friedman says today

    by Two Fuses

    Never a truer word said. Lucas Inner circle my foot!

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 12:12 p.m. CST

    "So, you have a twin sister..."

    by mclove

    cortezthekiller - yes, Luke and Leia are in fact twins, this was pretty well established in ROTJ. Though I think it's inevitable there'll be *some* kind of twist like that, Lucas has probably run out of startling Skywalker family revelations. Unless it turns out he actually did have a father and it was Sidious/Dooku/Obi-Wan/Jar-Jar/Jabba the Hutt/Grabba the Hutt/Bail Organa/Mace Windu/Yoda/Padme/Mon Calamari/R2D2/Jango Fett or a mysterious new Jedi named Grorge Grucas.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 12:45 p.m. CST

    Sounds good but where was Jar Jar?

    by TriMister

    I'd think that after the last two movies Lucas would kill JJ off, further pushing Ani to dark side. And with all the esses at the end of words in the story, I kinda thought that maybe JJ hisself was writin' this. But overall I think it would be cool all the same - as long as he doesn't try to get his actors to "act" like in AOTC. I thought AOTC was excretable in theatres, but once I got the DVD home and could fast forward over the "love" scenes, I thought AOTC was pretty good. BTW to the critic-haters out there, see even if I don't like a thing on first viewing, I will see it again just to be sure. (hmm JJ like the Jeffersons...)

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 12:46 p.m. CST

    Ahem pt2,

    by Avon

    this is bullshit, anyone could have thought of those plot points. I could have done a better job of it...We all know Obi-Wan sucks Yoda off. He does this to progress in the Jedi order. It will be revealed in part 3 that he is really some sort of futuristic, cosmic whore who will do anything to get "a head" in the world. While all this is happening, Anakin is wanking away turning to the dark side. A major plot point is when things come to "a head". Obi-Wan corners Anakin and tries to seduce him! "Holy fuckin shit" you may be thinking to yourselves--alas no tis the truth I speak...Obi-Wan and Anakin get it off...Yoda gets real mad and rips Anakins nob off only to further enrage Anakin who, after losing an arm in AOTC has to replace his cock with a big metal dildo piece. Amidala is pleased yet she now feels a certain part of Anikan can never be returned...The end until next time.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 12:55 p.m. CST

    Boy Does That Idea Suck Or Does That Idea Suck

    by TheSecondEvil

    Two words Bull Shit. Seriously if this was true Lucas needs to introduce the Great Jedi Master Conti Nu-ity. (Bad Fanboy joke I know) Firstly, if Vader had known of Luke and Leia's existence then so would the Emperor, which means he would have had the two killed. Vader only found out about Luke after the Stormtroopers had killed the Lars family, cause he would have made the connection either from the Lars' offering up the info under torture or from the locals and made the connection as Luke had the same surname as him. Plus, Leia has memories of her real mother from childhood. My guess is that Lucas will finish the film with Padme on her way to Alderaan being accompanied by Obi-Wan clutching her stomach cause the twins are the hope for the future. Then offscreen once the twins are born Obi-Wan spirits off little Luke to his aunt and uncle at Padme's suggestion where he will be prepared for the suffering he will later have to endure as a Jedi. I hope to God Lucas does not go ahead with Episodes 7, 8 & 9 as it would ruin the whole Star Wars Universe. Although some may argue Episodes 1,2 & 3 have already done that Lucas maintained from the beginning that they were part of the backstory he wrote for Star Wars. Producing 7, 8 & 9 without any reference to the events in the novels would seriously piss off the die-hard fans. While making generous references to the novels would leave out in the cold those fans of Star Wars content to just see the films. For example Episodes 7, 8 & 9 if dealing with the aliens whose name I cannot spell, would have to have Luke married to Mara and Jacen, Jaina and Anakin Solo all grown up which would make no sense. Oh yeah and Grando Calrissian sounds like some dodgy porno name. And the name was Darth Sido-Dyas not Sifo-Dyas or Cypher Dias and you people call yourselves Star Wars fans Tsk Tsk. A Black Lightsaber is a cool idea but it wouldn't glow. And Spielberg would not be a good idea to take the helm for any future Star Wars film unless he promised to make it more Minority report than ET. Hulk Hogan should not be the new villain in the film it quite obviously should be Scott Steiner. "LET ME TELL YOU ANAKIN THERE ARE ONLY TWO THINGS IN THIS WORLD I CARE ABOUT MY FREAKS AND MY PEAKS. HOLLA IF YA HEAR ME."

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 12:55 p.m. CST

    please sign this

    by casmcthorn

    it is very important that you sign this or i will die or somthing

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 12:56 p.m. CST

    please sign this

    by casmcthorn

    it is very important that you sign this or i will die or somthing.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 12:59 p.m. CST

    uhh apparently EP 3 title refers to "The Circle Will Be Complete

    by TriMister

    Here's an excerpt from Keep your eyes open throughout Episode II, there's deliberate story linkages that will be used in Episode 3. But here's the stuff I promised you: I was told some of the working title names for Episode 3 that are currently doing the rounds at JAK Productions and Lucasfilm. The most popular one right now is a title with the word 'circle' in it, as in something Vader said 'the circle is complete.'

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 1 p.m. CST

    This must be fake...Lucas couldn't write anything nearly this in

    by minderbinder

    And isn't it CaLRissian? At least spell the fucking names right.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 1:02 p.m. CST

    Not like it matters

    by DemonsDream

    This is as good as anything Lucas could come up with. Too bad he didn't let someone else write and direct like episode 5 and 6.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 1:17 p.m. CST

    I also heard that Captain Lou Albano was supposed to do a cameo

    by johnny crunch

    Enough said!

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 1:18 p.m. CST

    Hats off to...

    by Penter

    Tao of Joe for the funniest post of the lot. The Burger King Sithwitch bit has made my day! mmmm, evilly delicious!

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 1:20 p.m. CST

    So does the blacklightsaber make people's teeth and white shirts

    by Trav McGee

    No wonder the Emperor wears dark colors then. Imagine, the big confrontation of Episode III being lit like the back of Spencer's Gifts! Seriously, this whole thing was absolutely hilarious. My friends and I have come up with better Episode 3 treatments TRYING to crack each other up.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 1:25 p.m. CST

    *sigh* --i knew that this TB had the potential to be funny :D

    by drjones

    oh yeahh you moaners...what do you bitch about`???? i mean this is not a newspaper you pay a certain price for...this is named the INTERNET where you can click on and read and post what you want! and because it is just fun mori posted this i guess.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 1:58 p.m. CST


    by Buford T. Justice

    Fuck me! What a load of cock! Didn't you hear that Bill Shatner is also in it as Tames D Zirk....

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 2 p.m. CST

    grando carlrissian ....that`s great!!!!!

    by drjones

    this script gets more ridiculous and worse by every sentence! >>darthbreaker kid<< ...what a fitting and hilarious name

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 2:05 p.m. CST

    Grando Calrissian is the funniest thing I've ever seen.

    by jules windex

    I almost hope that IS true. Eddie Griffin can play him. I do like the black lightsaber idea.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 2:21 p.m. CST


    by jayandsilentbob

    You guys have it all wrong. I am going to kill : Anakin Padme Obi Wan Jules and all the clones. Then Im going to send Yoda to Hoth (freezing off my balls are! Sucks this does!) Then Luke and Leia are going to do it! and Jabba is going to cartwheel all over the place. C3PO is going o make out wiht R2, and R2 is going to feel molested. And R2 will become VADER! What? You guys didn't see it coming? he is a robot! SCREW ALL OF YOU FANBOYS! I'LL JUST RE-RELEASE IT LATER IF I DON'T LIKE IT! AND PISS ON THAT WHOLE RING-THING! IT SUCKS! And by the way- if I do this, you will still watch it at midnight!

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 2:28 p.m. CST

    Moriarty its the author of this mess

    by Wonderboys

    You know its true... Its obvius. He thinks he is a very good writer, and made up this scoop to impress George Luckass and see if he hired him... Better luck next time...

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 3:03 p.m. CST

    Why Episode 3 will suck....

    by DinoGuy

    ...because George Lucas is completely deluded. An interview with him in the LA TIMES, by Patrick Goldstein proves this. In the interview, George Lucas said there was NOTHING wrong with Episode 1, and that all the "criticism" and all the "disappointment" and the fan's complaints were invented by the media. Lucas also said that if he were to do Episode 1 all over again, he wouldn't change a thing. If you want to read this for yourself, go to and search the archives for this story. As long as the creater/producer/screenwriter/director of this franchise has his head stuck up his ass, you will continue to get the mediocre films you got, just like Episodes 1 and 2. So don't get your hopes up.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 3:35 p.m. CST

    I KNOW I am gonna get flamed for this...

    by Caine

    But I have to say it. As crappy as the last two were, this could be possible. I would not be surprised if Ep III is even WORSE than this garbage. Ep I was so much garbage, and I was one of the apologists for it that looked for any reason at all to like it. Darth Maul is still a cool minor character, just as Boba-Fett was before he was pimped out by Luca$, but that is about it. Oh yeah, and its good seeing Ewan MacGregor in just about anything... Natalie Portman's acting skills have gotten worse since The Professional, and Hayden Christiansen - I haven't seen Life as a House so I cannot say on that one. I am not even going to start on Ep II, I could type for weeks and still not cover eveything - even though it was signifigantly better than Ep I. *** As you said, Mori, this is obviously fake. No one really knows yet, and the anticipation is probably killing some people out there that live and breathe in the wonderful world of Luca$, hence we have "news scoops" like this. As bad as this was though - I am almost certain that Ep III will be as bad - if not worse - than this.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 3:58 p.m. CST


    by nyy1176

    Damn, you guys need to get something straight! Go back and watch Return of the Jedi again! Padme doesn't die until AFTER the twins are separated!!! Leia has vague memories of her mother and she knows that that she was adopted by Bail Organa!!! Infants don't remember....Leia had to be at least 4 or 5 when her mother dies! I keep hearing all these people insist that Padme dies in Ep.III, but if you have watched the original know that her dying doesn't make sense. She probably dies of heartbreak a few years after Vader has killed the Jedi...while living under the protection of the Organa's...and when she dies, Bail adopts Leia!

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 4:15 p.m. CST

    All is well with the world.

    by RobinP

    There's an Ep 3 talkback, two and a half years before the release of the film, and all the fanboys are reacting with duly predicable hysterical overload. Yup, all's well with the world.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 4:22 p.m. CST

    You know, the funniest thing about this is...

    by sendintheclones

    that this fake pile of crap is probably going to be better than the *actual* turd cluster Lucas ends up putting out.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 4:22 p.m. CST

    Black lightsabres and script-writing schools

    by Glawen

    Utterly convincing script, distilling all that was excellent about TPM and AotC. As far as black lightsabres go, it shouldn't be too difficult, as they had a "small black light which lights up black" in "Hitch Hikers guide to the Galaxy" in the BBC TV series. If the BBC can do it on a budget of 50p, then I'm sure that ILM can whip one out for under 50 million. Finally, someone questioned the "skills" of the freshman screenwriter and wondered where they were studying. As anyone can see from the misuse of language, the inept action scenes and the facile charcterisation, they're obviously enrolled at the same place that churned out Jonathan Hales. Probably has Hales as a mentor. Or Hales is family.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 4:31 p.m. CST

    i like

    by craban

    Well i like this script. If this should be the real script, GL would not think it so cool news. You keep telling us that it is bull and crap so many times that maybe we will believe it is (fake), but as i said it's great. The only drawback with blowing up Naboo is that Jar Jar won't be even on it when it happens. Craban

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 4:36 p.m. CST

    The sad thing is, this was way more entertaining than The Two To

    by Atticus Finch

    You all know this to be true.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 4:47 p.m. CST

    This is very poorly written BS

    by Tarl_Cabot

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 4:53 p.m. CST

    Thats funny, Supertroll

    by Qwerty Uiop

    I heard the FIRST requirement to becoming a marine is having your poo stabbed....

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 4:56 p.m. CST

    no, actually, this is what happens...

    by Dragonfire

    Anakin defeats dooku in a lightsaber duel and then dooku is lying on the floor injured and Anakin is pointing his lightsaber at him, the same as Luke does to Vader in return of the jedi. Then Palpatine says "good, now give in to your hate and kill him,take his place at my side" like in return of the jedi, only Anakin actually does kill dooku, showing he has turned to the dark side, whereas Luke managed to resist and stopped himself from killing Vader in ROTJ. Thats what really happens, isn't it? Huh? what's that you say? That cant be in the movie because that would be too cool? Yeah, I suppose that is a valid reason for it not to happen in ep3. Oh well...I'm sure Yoda having a duel with palpatine and calling him a 'sith witch' would be a much better climax to ep3. Of course, Yoda saying "your hate makes you weak, sith witch!" would probably come out "witch sith hate weak you makes!" considering how Lucas has been overdoing the whole 'Yoda talks backwards' thing. Who can forget that famous line from ep2: "A defensive perimeter around the survivors we must create". Powerful line that, really.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 5:03 p.m. CST

    re: Palpatine/Sideous/Sifo-Dyas

    by 5iN

    someone suggested that palpatine/sideous could possibly be the lost jedi master sifo dyas who dissapeared around the time of TPM but..if sifo dyas was such a great jedi master one would assume that at least yoda would know what he looked like..and if palpatine and sideous are the same or even if one is a clone then yoda still knows what palpatine looks like...dont you think it would be a little weird if all of a sudden sideous turned out to be sifo dyas...imagine the shock when yoda says at the climactic battle "sideous you are. and sifo dyas also. see this i should have in episode I. or at least II"

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 5:15 p.m. CST

    And what about Grando's gay sister?

    by RenoNevada2000

    Lesbo Calrissian...

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 5:32 p.m. CST

    Brent Spiner has told BBC Radio Swindon that he will play the Si

    by Lord Shatner


  • Jan. 13, 2003, 5:32 p.m. CST


    by empyreal0

    This is the kind of shit I'd expect out of Warner Brothers, although there's a few safe bets in there. Padme dies. Big huge battle at the beginning. Anakin makes full transition to the dark side. Anyway, I wouldn't be shocked if George bases his script entirely off this piece of fan-boy schlock. The old man has no fucking clue what he's doing anymore, anyway.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 5:43 p.m. CST

    The real scoop

    by Lord Shatner

    My uncle Eddie has a drinking buddy who knows one of the janitors at Skywalker Ranch who found a manuscript in a dumpster. Turns out it was the first draft to Episode III. The complete script can be read at

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 5:44 p.m. CST

    Hey, at leats "Grando" is better than "Sleazebaggano"

    by empyreal0

    Please for the love of god, be wrong about Padme being added to ROTJ. She doesn't die? It was all a lie? Lucas has no balls. That's as bad as Data's pointless non-death in STX. Somebody take this series off life support, you're not doing any good, it's dead already. My only hope for Episode III is to see Anakin FUCKING KILL JAR JAR!! CHOP HIM INTO TINY LITTLE BLOODY PIECES! That alone would be worth my ticket in to see the movie, and when I say that alone, I mean that's all that'll move me to want to see Ep 3. Otherwise, I'll just have to drag myself there kicking and screaming. By the way, I overheard the ACTUAL title for EP3. It's called Star Wars Episode III: Steaming Pile of Shit.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 5:47 p.m. CST

    Grando !?!?!?

    by WeedyMcSmokey

    Grando Calrissian. That is the best fake name. With his partner is ship building San Holo. Great stuff. Just great.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 5:54 p.m. CST

    "Here comes your death! That's what we will see!"

    by General Idea

    Prepare to launch all zigs! Well, at least this was good comedy...

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 6:06 p.m. CST

    No. It couldn't be ...

    by Glawen

    With that "Yoda talks backwards" crap, it'll turn out that Yoda is really the bloody dwarf from the Red Room in Twin Peaks. The climactic finale will be that Anakin turns to the dark side after being possessed by Bob. Expect all the Jedi to have a letter stuck under their fingernails after they die which, when assmebled, give detailed plans of the Empire's new Superweapon, the Death Star. The reason why it took the resistance so long to assemble them is that they were in Binary.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 6:09 p.m. CST

    As for Episode III's title, I suspect it has to have four words.

    by a goonie

    If you look at the first and second titles of the originals and the first and second titles of the prequels, you'll see that the first ones both have three words (A New Hope and The Phantom Menace) and the second ones both have four (The Empire Strikes Back and Attack of the Clones). So I'm guessing no. 3 is gonna have four just like Return of the Jedi. Then of course there's the fact that the two middle movies' titles both describe a possibly violent action. Striking back and attacking. Either way, perhaps I'm just talking out of my ass, and in the end, I hate Clones so much that I have no hope for Episode 3, but still, it's fun to think Star Wars.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 6:13 p.m. CST

    Episode III Title

    by Glawen

    The [Re]Public Robbed.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 6:48 p.m. CST

    Hey Now Poopy Pants

    by jermh

    Why not call it Revenge of The Jedi. Oh and some dudes were saying that no one was behind Shmis kidnapping? If you read the book, you have to wonder...Why would the Tuskens torture her and not just kill her? Someone was behind her least that is what me thinks. I am gay. Peace Out.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 7:07 p.m. CST


    by JemBlayde

    I once shared a house with a closet fuckwit by the name of Nigel. This king among losers provided no end of amusement simply by being the lame arse that he was. I'd come home from a hard days actual work, girlfriend in tow, and stupidly ask said moron how his day was, only to have him regale me with tales of his workday with Lenny and Carl, persecuted by the evil Mr Burns, and then a relaxing beer with a drunk named Barney just so he didn't have to come home and forcibly throat fuck his daughter Lisa just to shut the whiney little runt (what? I said 'runt') up. Yes, Darth Dickless lived in a world of unemployment and television wherin I'm not sure he could actually tell the difference between reality and TV land. Point is, that you have to realise that this is Star Wars, a.k.a FANTASY, and that the characters and shit are NOT REAL! Case in point here is the bitchfest over when Padme kicks the bucket of cum and finally gags to death on it, all based on a sentence by Leia in ROTJ regarding her vague memory of said wench. Yes, human infants would not remember till 4 or 5, but hello! These are a fictitious race in a fictitious show with it's own idiotic and fictitious fucking logic. Get over it, who's to say whether these unrequited mystic morons could not retain a memory of sucking on gorgeous Natalie's ensemened left breast? Even if they are human, they are also Jedi, that could make a difference. Either way, in the final analysis, it's a pointless argument, like those drunks that get into fights over hypotheticals in bars. By 2005, we'll know whether it is or isn't, if Ep III will suck or blow, or be the first to actually be able to both at the same time. Psyche down children, mommy has a sagging tit for both of you. Easy. :-)

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 7:44 p.m. CST

    Film Threat.....

    by ManosTHOF

    .....never claimed theirs was real, they called it "bullshit" to be exact. They didn't put it over as a "scoop" or as "fact" either. Here is the link for anyone interested.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 8:01 p.m. CST

    Certainly not 100% true, but some of that does sound like someth

    by amychaser5

    I agree with whoever said that you can tell that this is made up because of the total memorization of the fight scenes, and no negative comments. Some of this does sound pretty good, or at least something that we could expect. You know that there is going to be a total showdown between Anakin and Kenobi, and I swear I remember reading somewhere that the lighsaber battle would be near a pit of lava. Whatever happens, this will probably be the best of the prequel trilogy.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 8:45 p.m. CST


    by Hoof Hearted

    you read the book?

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 9:15 p.m. CST

    I think Jar Jar as a Jedi would be a great idea

    by The Dude Abides

    and just the sort of inspired creativity that Lucas would come up with to make Episode III one fatastic piece shit, even more tragic to my childhood than the first two.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 9:20 p.m. CST

    If this "scoop" is indeed true, and you've spoiled the story for

    by Red Raider

    Grando Calrissian....holy shit that's funny!!!! Of course there's always his cousin from south of the border, Grande Calrissian!

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 9:57 p.m. CST

    Jedi Destiny... Uh Huh...

    by RichardtheSmith

    Someone's been reading The Onion again...

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 10:33 p.m. CST

    Episode III: A New Jedi Clone

    by Banky the Hack

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 10:47 p.m. CST

    Episode III: A New Jedi Clone Returns and Strikes Back To Fulfil

    by Banky the Hack

    I can see it now...Darth Sideous's blacksaber (Didn't I see that in a Big Jim Slade movie?) illuminates all the fluorescent things in the room and makes Anakin realize his conservative Jedi Robe is covered in Wookiee hair and lint. Having paid the space dry cleaners an extra 10 credits to remove the lint, Anakin loses it and in a tantrun strikes down Obi-Wan who recommended the place. Then horrified, he backs away from his mentor's smoking corpse (which was Obi-Wan's clone, obviously, but Anakin didn't know this) and trips over C-3PO whose head has been grafted onto a mouse droid to great comic effect, and falls into a really hot tureen of space noodle soup, prepared for the large musical number finally featuring Queen. When he claws his way to the ladle to emerge scarred, he insists on a new suit of armor which contains an ionizer, preventing lint from ever touching his scarred evil visage (and suit) ever again. Meanwhile, Han Solo is playing space jacks with Grando's son and wins the boy's favorite toy as the bet. And yet elsewhere, Luke and Leia make out in a crib. And yet yet elsewhere, Yoda decides he's too old for this shit and decides to retire to that nice piece of beach property sold to him by Grando Calrissian named "Dagobah". Ha ha....Grando.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 10:49 p.m. CST


    by Banky the Hack

    P.S. Queen has a digitally added Freddy Mercury with digitally removed AIDS

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 10:53 p.m. CST

    This must be fake...

    by Robert Blake

    ...because this is much BETTER than George Lucas writes. ;-)

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 11:53 p.m. CST


    by whitelm

    What a compete load of fanny dribble.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 11:53 p.m. CST

    Law of diminishing returns

    by hawksburn

    I've given up on the Star Wars films. I'll quite happily watch Star Wars (I refuse to call it A New Hope, cos quite frankly that sounds wanky) and Empire in endless reruns because both are brilliantly entertaining films. Return of the Jedi I'll watch if pushed I guess. But the 2 steaming piles of crap created in recent years, not a chance. You get alot of this from the fanboys; "but Phantom Menace was the highest grossing Star Wars movie ever!". Yeah, it was high grossing simply because the majority of the audience was comprised of putzes like me who forked over our money hoping to catch a little of the magic we felt when we watched the original movies when we were 10 year old kids. I haven't watched the Phantom Menace again, and the first time I watched Attack of the Drones was on a rental dvd. I'm glad I didn't go and see that in a cinema. So I'm pretty sure the first time I see Part 3 will probably be as a rerun on network tv a couple of years from now. Maybe you've already noticed, Attack of The Clones is getting it's arse kicked at the box office by Two Towers. People are losing interest in the whole Star Wars thing. My guess is that the Return Of The King grosses will be even bigger. Two Towers has the same magical aura the original Star Wars had. In these days of dvd & pay tv it's alot harder to get people into cinemas to pay to see a movie a 2nd time, but thats what the LOTR films are doing. Not the case with the latest Star Wars films. Lucas should be taking directing and scriptwriting lessons from Peter Jackson.

  • Jan. 13, 2003, 11:53 p.m. CST

    Law of diminishing returns

    by hawksburn

    I've given up on the Star Wars films. I'll quite happily watch Star Wars (I refuse to call it A New Hope, cos quite frankly that sounds wanky) and Empire in endless reruns because both are brilliantly entertaining films. Return of the Jedi I'll watch if pushed I guess. But the 2 steaming piles of crap created in recent years, not a chance. You get alot of this from the fanboys; "but Phantom Menace was the highest grossing Star Wars movie ever!". Yeah, it was high grossing simply because the majority of the audience was comprised of putzes like me who forked over our money hoping to catch a little of the magic we felt when we watched the original movies when we were 10 year old kids. I haven't watched the Phantom Menace again, and the first time I watched Attack of the Drones was on a rental dvd. I'm glad I didn't go and see that in a cinema. So I'm pretty sure the first time I see Part 3 will probably be as a rerun on network tv a couple of years from now. Maybe you've already noticed, Attack of The Clones is getting it's arse kicked at the box office by Two Towers. People are losing interest in the whole Star Wars thing. My guess is that the Return Of The King grosses will be even bigger. Two Towers has the same magical aura the original Star Wars had. In these days of dvd & pay tv it's alot harder to get people into cinemas to pay to see a movie a 2nd time, but thats what the LOTR films are doing. Not the case with the latest Star Wars films. Lucas should be taking directing and scriptwriting lessons from Peter Jackson.

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 12:35 a.m. CST

    Dark Lightsaber

    by jsm1978

    Dark-light Lightsabers... hmm... Finally, the true sith mastermind has been revealed... Darth Raver.

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 12:37 a.m. CST

    Hoof Hearted

    by jermh

    Yes I read the book. Why do you ask sir? Really guys I am so gay. Peace Out.

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 12:52 a.m. CST

    Cock-gobbling Monkey Rapers!

    by Broken_Hill

    Grando Calrissian?!!! Heheheheh. For a guy in a screenwriting course, it's odd that he has so much trouble forming grammatically-correct sentences. That said, it's a hald decent job he's done on the plot. It sounds like the kinda shit Lucas would pump out for this one. The black lightsabre, and Yoda's brilliant ball of light were nice touches. Moriarty's response reeks of fear, methinks. Haha. Because it could be true. Could just be. Anyone who knows anything about the story arc could write Episode 3, and all versions would contain the same basic elements. Sprinkle a little imagination, and I guarantee a hundred scripts could be written that would be better than what Lucas eventually comes up with. Sad as it is, Star Wars is dead and it will be a relief when the final movie is flopped on the autopsy table.

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 1:28 a.m. CST

    Lucas is already casting this script!

    by jocutus

    It's true! Its a toss-up between Bernie Mack and Cedric the Entertainer to play Grando Calrissian. Lucas originally approached Sidney Poitier but he turned it down in favor of playing the Granpa character in the live-action "Boondocks" movie.

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 1:28 a.m. CST

    Yeah, I've been disappointed...

    by PoopsMcGee

    I didn't want to admit it. I thought there was something wrong with me. But now I know there are others like me. Now I know it's OK. It's OK to say these new Star Wars movies are pretty lame. Thank you. Thank you so much. (Of course, that doesn't mean I won't see EPIII opening weekend; I just won't be expecting as much.)

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 1:39 a.m. CST


    by General_Patton

    I can't want to see this movie.

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 2:12 a.m. CST

    See if this helps

    by Broken_Hill

    You'll want to read this and test your mental powers. What's the title of Episode 3? Work it out. If the PT is a mirror of the OT, in terms of title, you have The Phantom Menace/A New Hope...Attack of the Clones/The Empire Strikes Back. What have we got? Menace/Hope...Attack/Strike Back...and then there's Return of the Jedi. Return. Before you can return, you have to go away. Hopefully everyone realise by now that the 'Jedi' that returns is Anakin, and not Luke in ROTJ. So the title will refer to Anakin abandoning the Force. Are you with me? Just mouth the words and nod along if you don't understand or come to work it out. Next point, Ep 3's title has to make the next episodes title ("A New Hope") a logical continuation of the story arc. Ep 1 & 2 titles refer to the Galaxy itself, as do Ep 4 and 5 (Luke is the "New Hope" not specifically for the Jedi religion in Ep 4, but for the Galaxy as a whole due to his strike on the Death Star). So how Ep 6 title refers to Anakin/Vader/the Jedi religion. Clear on that so far? Good. SO what have do we know so far? Ep 3's title will refer to Anakin abandoning/leaving/falling/killing his Jedihood (in order for him to return to it in Ep 6), and also the title must suggest a sense of doom so that there can then be a 'New Hope'. Hmmm. Thinking caps on? Phantom/New. Menace/Hope. Attack/Strikes Back. Clones/Empire. See a pattern? This could kinda be on one of those IQ tests, where it's not a kindergarten pattern but there is a pattern. Keep thinking...It's there if you want it badly enough, I just don't want to say it because that could fuck up my childhood and the history of the world, because then if it leaked Lucas might be mad enough to abandon his clever-thinking and change it. It's clever, kinda cool, if ultimately trivial but it IS there. Clues enclosed in posting. Good luck.

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 2:50 a.m. CST

    "what is obviously a joke Talkback"

    by Qwerty Uiop

    Aren't all Star Wars talkbacks, joke talkbacks by definition?

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 2:57 a.m. CST

    More Title Clues....

    by Broken_Hill

    Think outside the square. Don't look for perfect aesthetic symmetry. Think about the word 'Return' and how to mirror that in the context here. Don't be dumb. Think backwards. Forwards. Think Anakin. Think the circle. Think Darth Maul. Cool title. Not mind-blowingly outta left field. Kinda title that will make you nod and think 'of course. naturally.'Like it's been chipped outta stone and was there all along. And remember you saw someone winking it at you here first...

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 3:03 a.m. CST

    Episode III

    by Glawen

    Imagine the scene, Anakin finally turned to the dark side, donning the Life Support Suit for the first time. The Meneace. The Breathing. The First Words. "This Is CNN". Picture it. Then Palpatine is interviewed by Larry King on what connection, if any, he has to the missing Jedi Interns and Padme gives tips to young mothers on the heartbreak of adoption and how to style your hair to resemble breakfast pastries. I will be there, opening weekend, if it's anything like this.

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 3:08 a.m. CST


    by Merkin Muffley

    I don't know or care if what you posted is "true," it's VERY cool. That would be an excellent "twist." I hope GL sees.

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 4:13 a.m. CST

    StarBucks: Episode III - Mocha Fett vs. Grando Calrissian


    I dunno. Sounded funny to me. Perhaps I'm off my game.

  • I want y'all to live. We need to protect the childrens. Grando is now my favorite Star Wars character. I want an action figure now dammit!

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 4:18 a.m. CST

    Broken Hill - You're starting to remind me of Cliff Claven from

    by LlGHTST0RMER the episode where he said he had studied the names of all the American Presidents and deduced that, by analyzing some bizarre pattern he claimed to have found, "the next President has to be named 'Yelnick McGwawa.'" (I'm not trying to slam on you or anything, dude. You just kind of made me think of that little anecdote. That's all.)

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 9:08 a.m. CST


    by Throdmeister

    ...this is probably better than whatever Lucas himself will come up with...

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 9:57 a.m. CST

    Cracking the Episode III code

    by Glawen

    "Death of the Force" sounds too good. How about "Force 10 From Dagobah?" or "Ice Station Hoth?" As a more serious guess, "Fall Of The Jedi" sounds better.

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 1:33 p.m. CST

    funniest talkback ever!

    by S.Jerusalem

    Grolt .45, Franz Solo, John Solo, the Sithwich, Darth Darth Binks. Brilliant!

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 2:02 p.m. CST

    Dont forget

    by casmcthorn

    To sign my petition to keep grando as lando's fathers name ok

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 2:35 p.m. CST

    Important clue to Episode III title guesswork

    by Trav McGee

    Hey, it's fun. Anyway. Remember, it's got to have a great cheesy/campy/melodramatic-but-fun Saturday Morning Serial ring to it. Not "dark edgy cool." For some tips, do an imdb search on Flash Gordon (just for one example, Harry could think of others). Me, I'm putting my money on STAR WARS, EPISODE III: PURPLE DEATH FROM OUTER SPACE

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 2:41 p.m. CST

    Towelie ...

    by Glawen

    Sure, both Force and Jedi were mentioned several times. Either way, I still feel that "Fall of the Jedi" is a good title. However, if we want to keep the pattern in mind, then "Rise of the Sith" will do nicely", as will "Coming of the Sith."

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 2:52 p.m. CST

    I'm going with

    by Qwerty Uiop

    Star Wars Episode III: Its Wickety-wickety-Wack!

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 3:02 p.m. CST

    EP III Title for those who *really* care

    by Glawen

    It has to be Star Wars Episode III: COMPLETE GENOCIDE OF THE EWOKS, and BOLLOCKS to continuity. Any takers?

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 3:04 p.m. CST

    Won't be two "of the" titles in a row

    by Trav McGee

    "Attack of the Clones" and then "blank of the blank"--won't happen. Same with The/A Adjective Noun right before "A New Hope"--uh uh. Structure-wise, it'll probably be The/A Something Does Something. A complete sentence, like ESB. Bank on it. ...Although, I'm getting more and more fond of PURPLE DEATH FROM OUTER SPACE.

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 3:06 p.m. CST

    Trav McGee ...

    by Glawen

    Nah. I think that's more likely Lucas' approach to deciding a title for Indy IV. Considering Indy's age, it has to be "Indiana Jones and the Viagra of Priapic" or "Raiders of the Lost Surgical Truss."

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 3:19 p.m. CST

    My favorite proposed Indy title, Glawen

    by Trav McGee

    RAIDERS OF THE LOST AARP ...I literally almost choked to death when I read that one.

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 5:09 p.m. CST

    Hans Father:

    by General Sarcasm

    Organ Solo.

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 5:43 p.m. CST

    Episode III

    by Mr_Tomerdy

    How about....'Money for old rope'

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 6:07 p.m. CST

    Star Wars, Episode III: Testicle Festival

    by General Sarcasm

    Why Testicle Festival? Because this movie will suck BALLS like the last two did.

  • Jan. 14, 2003, 8:28 p.m. CST

    Introducing Booker T as Grando Calrissian

    by hehateme


  • Jan. 15, 2003, 12:45 a.m. CST

    The actual Indy 4 title.

    by Qwerty Uiop

    According to David Letterman its: Indian Jones and the Craft-matic adjustable bed.

  • Jan. 16, 2003, 12:58 a.m. CST

    All your base are belong to Grando Carlissian

    by MyNameDoesn'tFit

    You have no chance to survive make your time.

  • Jan. 17, 2003, 2:29 p.m. CST

    And the title is:

    by madgroundhog

    You guys are all way off base. I've uncovered the two possibilities for the title of Episode 3. It's either gonna be: Nabooty Call (where Anakin decides he's had it with Padme and goes off in search of someone a little less serious), or "Captain Corellian's Mandolin" (where Anakin realized that he is close to succumbing to the dark side, and he wants to make the galaxy a better place through music). Seriously, this is the truth!

  • Jan. 19, 2003, 12:39 p.m. CST

    Lets clear this up...

    by phantomed

    First of all I am a relative of one of the production assistants for Lucasfilm and to my knowledge the script is not completed in fact it's still in a rough outline form with alot of finalization that will take place during the next 3-4 months and some sort of production will start in around 5-6 months. So far this is what has been passed on to me: Episode 3 has no title as of yet,the beginning sounds a bit like something out of the Empire Strikes Back where the Clone Wars have been in full swing for awhile with the sepratists and the republic mirroring in a way the Empire and Rebels fought on hoth. Anakin and Padme' are now married but there is continuing tension between Anakin and Obi-Wan because of Anakins leaving from time to time to be with Padme on Naboo.Obi-wan feels Anakin is not living up to his responsibilities,and Anakin is continually torn between being with Padme and being Obi-Wan's apprentice. At one point the Clone wars demand that Obi-Wan contact Anakin on Naboo and after an extended romantic sequence,Anakin leaves Padme for what will be the final time they will see one another and goes off too fight in the clone wars,which also leads to a scene depicting Anakin delivering a devistating blow to the sepratists,Anakin is awarded for his bravery in a ceramony,which further promotes his arrogance..Palpatine takes this oppertunity to show his appreciation for Anakin,at a time there is great tension between himself and Obi-Wan. Anakin is given a sort of military leadership role from Palpatine,Obi-Wan objects believing Anakin is already neglecting his duties as a Padawan. I'm rushed for time so I will give a few more tidbits later.. I will however leave you with this,the scenes depicting the duel with Obi-Wan and Anakin involve Anakin getting the upper hand during the duel,Obi-Wan loses his saber,and near defeat,a turn of "events" occurs which causes Anakin to lose balance and his saber allowing Obi-Wan to vanquish Anakin with his saber (or so he thinks) into a darkened pit of sulferous lava (remeniscent of the defeat of Maul) ... also the transformation of Anakin into Vader (aka Frankenstein) are pretty much decided upon by Lucas.

  • Jan. 23, 2003, 1:50 a.m. CST

    Much better

    by jsm1978

    Now that may be a line of crap too, but at least it sounds watchable

  • March 2, 2003, 2:19 p.m. CST


    by DavidCamp

  • July 5, 2006, 4:40 p.m. CST

    It turns out this really WAS a fake review!

    by LaudnerGomez

  • Oct. 16, 2007, 7:03 a.m. CST

    This is my favorite article on AICN

    by zacdilone

    Oh yeah.