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Foywonder Squeezes Out A MONSTURD Review!!

Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.

Because sometimes you just feel like laughing...

MAN IN SHIT SUIT! MAN IN SHIT SUIT! MAN IN SHIT SUIT!

Don't know if you got this email from me with this review before because of a glitch with my mail server, so if not, then here it is and, if so, my apologies. If you love cult movies, then this one is certainly noteworthy.

MAN IN SHIT SUIT! MAN IN SHIT SUIT! MAN IN SHIT SUIT!

Most AICN reviewers give you their opinion of some of the most anticipated films of the day that they’ve been fortunate, or unfortunate in many cases, to get a sneak peak at. Me, I’m here to tell you about a new movie featuring a monster comprised entirely of human excrement and while this movie isn’t on the same cinematic plateau as MEGIDDO, it is still worthy of being brought to the attention of lovers of cult films. And yet, I feel no shame.

Now I suppose a direct-to-video movie about a 7-foot feces monster isn’t normally the kind of film that gets reviewed on Ain’t It Cool News, but then as I look over at the current Coaxial News section and see a glowing review of a random episode of SHE SPIES, I become fairly confident this review isn’t going to lower the bar any further.

The film I am here to tell you about is named MONSTURD and while it is the shittiest monster movie of all time, and I actually mean that in the literal sense, it is anything but crappy! Believe me, I’ve sat through both of those JACK FROST killer snowman movies, 4 out of 5 LEPRECHAUN films, those wretched RUMPELSTILSKIN/UNCLE SAM/PINNOCHIO horror films, the first two WISHMASTER movies, BENEATH LOCH NESS, the entire WARLOCK franchise, 3 out of 7 CHILDREN OF THE CORN films, FILIPINO BATMAN & ROBIN, every movie Hulk Hogan has ever made, and countless movies about killer snakes, bats, crocodiles, octopi, etc. that have been unleashed in video stores as of late all in seemingly futile quest to find an entertaining piece of celluloid schlock. So are the perils of a bad movie lover. Sometimes you just have to roll the dice and hope for a winner. After enduring all of the above, I can honestly say that even I’m surprised that MONSTURD would prove to be a breath of fresh air.

So what exactly is the plot of MONSTURD, you ask? Serial killer Jack Schmitt, infamous for killing people on the toilet and leaving messages scrawled on the wall that usually say something along the lines of “DON’T GET CAUGHT WITH YOUR PANTS DOWN,” escapes from prison and hides out in the sewers below Butte County’s peaceful suburbia. Meanwhile, an evil scientist who works for a research conglomerate called Dutech has developed a mutant strain of flesh-eating bacteria. Why? Well, we’re never really told. Hey, he’s evil! Because he is insane as well as evil, he decides to experiment by dumping a barrel of the stuff down into the sewers. When police confront the homicidal maniac, he ends up falling into a pool of the mad scientist’s chemical concoction. I assume you’ve seen SWAMP THING so you should know what happens next. Just substitute plant life with fecal matter and add the flesh-eating bacteria that can dissolve human flesh on contact, which is how the man-turd feeds. Everyone thinks that Schmitt is dead, but in fact he has transformed into a half-man/half-feces monster that dwells in the sewers and pops out of toilets to devour hapless victims. While the mad scientist anoints himself master and protector of his monstrous creation, the local sheriff, two bumbling deputies, and the female FBI agent who originally captured Schmitt join forces to warn the disbelieving populace and destroy the killer crap creature before the town’s Annual Chili Cook-Off. Did I mention that they attempt to accomplish this while wearing diaper armor and carrying super soakers loaded with Pepto-Bismol?

MONSTURD is without question the greatest movie that Troma never made! Fortunately, filmmakers Dan West and Mike Popko, who also play the dimwitted deputies, didn’t make some of the same mistakes that Troma tends to. While I have enjoyed a few of Troma’s films, my favorite being MONSTER IN THE CLOSET which this film most closely resembles, many of them try so hard to be over-the-top from beginning to end that they devolve into being very abrasive movies loaded with obnoxious characters who feel compelled to constantly yell their lines. MONSTURD, on the other hand, is bold enough to play it with a straight face, much like an old A.I.P. monster movie, so that when the goofy stuff happens, it’s a lot funnier than it would have been if everything were done in an in-your-face manner. The acting is very relaxed and natural and nobody makes the mistake of trying to force they’re performance. While no one in the cast is going to win an Oscar anytime soon, nobody is particularly bad. It’s quite obvious that everyone on the screen is having a ball.

Personally, I’ve never been a fan of gross-out humor, but surprisingly, MONSTURD is not loaded with wall-to-wall gross-out gags or an endless stream of poop jokes. While it definitely has more than it’s fair share of those, the grossest being the world’s longest vomiting scene, most of the humor is a bit more subtle like when a potential victim’s young daughter casually walks into the living room and tells her apathetic dad about the giant doodoo that came out of the toilet and started saying bad words or when someone tries to lure the mutated Mr. Hankey out of hiding by leaving a trail of cream corn on the ground while making fart noises as if it’s some sort of bird call or when the deputies drive around the town with a bullhorn advising citizens not to use their toilets and then listing other means by which they should relieve themselves. In addition, a lot of humor comes from the way in which this insanity plays out in traditional 50’s monster movie fashion. While this does create a lull in the loonacy every now and then as certain clichéd scenes have to play out, in the end it works to the film’s overall benefit. One can only imagine what relentless, stomach churning crap the Wayans Brothers would have bombarded the audience with if they were responsible for this film.

As for the title monster itself, I’m happy to say that it’s a good, old fashioned, rubber suit creation. Or as Harry would put it – MAN IN SHIT SUIT! It’s a disgusting looking pile of crap with arms and legs and a pointy head with bowel movements detailed all over it. While the crap creature’s costume is hardly a creation on the level of Stan Winston or Rick Baker, it’s still an extremely professional looking costume that would make Paul Blaisdell proud. Maybe it’s just me, but I thought it looked sorta like what one of the Rock Men costumes from 1959’s MISSILE TO THE MOON would look like after somebody took a flamethrower to it. Oh, just as the mummy in the recent MUMMY films was terrified of cats, the man-turd is deathly afraid of flies or as it bemoans in a frightened Frankenstein-like voice, “Flies hurt the shit man! Flies eat the shit man!”

As strange as this might sound, MONSTURD is actually a very nice looking movie. It’s hard to believe this movie was made for only $3,000 because it has really nice production values for such a low budget feature. Visually, it’s far more impressive than most other shot on video films like THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. Hell, this $3,000 shot-on-video movie looks better than most Troma and Full Moon productions that have much larger budgets.

Now with all that said, the movie does have its fair share of shortcomings. For starters, the film has bookends featuring a daughter telling her father the story of the movie and the film cuts back to them a few times along the way as she acts as the movie’s narrator. I really don’t think they were necessary, but at least the big punchline she delivers at the film’s end was pretty funny. Then, there’s the subplot about widower sheriff and the hint of romance between him and the female FBI agent. This staple of lazy Hollywood screenwriting manages to fall flat even when the spoof film attempts to poke fun at the cliché. My biggest disappointment is that the build up to the final showdown with the bowel movement behemoth is about 10 times longer than the actual battle. This short, abrupt climactic battle seems to have been a casualty of the movie’s miniscule budget.

Still, it’s impossible to not like a movie that features dialogue like “The shit man’s got me, Bobby!” and has a scene where a police sketch artist attempts to draw a detailed picture of the creature while casually asking the witness if she saw any nuts in it and, if so, could she describe what kind of nuts they were. And let’s not forget the song that plays during the closing credits. Entitled NUMBER TWO: THE BALLAD OF THE MONSTURD, it sounds like something Cybil Shepard would perform in her lounge act were she whacked out of her mind on painkillers at the time.

While MONSTURD doesn’t quite reach the level of such classics as KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER, it’s still an inspired nugget of utter loonacy that’s destined to gain a cult following. According to co-director Popko, Dead Alive Productions, an affiliate of Spectrum Films, has picked up distribution rights and plans to release the film on video and DVD on April 8th. But if you can’t wait that long, you can purchase a VHS copy of the film directly from the filmmakers by logging on to the movie’s homepage www.monsturd.com where you can also watch the trailer and listen to the theme song. If this movie sounds like your cup of tea, I recommend you give it a look. There’s never been anything quite like MONSTURD and somehow I doubt there ever will be again.

The Foywonder

Thanks, man. And if you want a laugh, folks, plug “Megiddo” into our search engine and check out Foy’s review for that one, too...

"Moriarty" out.





Readers Talkback
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  • It just sounds like one long line of gibberish.

  • Nov. 26, 2002, 9:04 a.m. CST

    Wow, and I thought this was another bad review of THE LIFE OF DA

    by Johnny Ahab

    But Christ, this sounds ten times more entertaining than either of those monsturds combined. I giggled through half this review. Which is more than I can say for the other two Hollywood films whose reviews only filled me with rage. I need to see this.

  • Nov. 26, 2002, 9:54 a.m. CST

    Monsturd vs. Jack Frost

    by Cutter's Way

    Aliens vs. Predator, Batman vs. Superman, Freddy vs. Jason are all prelude to Monsturd vs. Jack Frost. This is the super-battle to end all super-battles. An inter-mutant conflict of this magnitude is money in the bank, my friends. Both production companies should set aside their petty differences and sign a deal for the bout. My money's on Jack Frost, by the way. What money you may ask? My only response is, "That's a very good question, very good indeed."

  • Nov. 26, 2002, 11:15 a.m. CST

    This guy is a total studio plant!

    by TheFoywonder

    God,I've been wanting to use that line for so long. Anyway, Hedorah (aka The Smog Monster) was techically composed of sludge and toxic pollution. Raw sewage was only a tiny fraction of it's genetic make-up. Alas, I've never seen FLESH GORDON and only bits and pieces of DOGMA so I guess my knowledge of fecal matter monstrocities on the movie screen isn't 100%. And yet, I feel no shame. Still, I rather doubt they were anything quite like this creation. It quite literally could have been titled "Shit-Thing"

  • Nov. 26, 2002, 5:12 p.m. CST

    I'm no plant, and I have seen MONSTURD and the damn thing is FUN

    by THE TALL MAN

    It's an underground flick through and through, but I think it may break out on a slightly bigger level when it hits the video shelves from SPECTRUM FILMS. It aint gonna do BLAIRWITCH crazy biz, but it's too damn funny not to find some type of audience. To find a thread with more info on MONSTURD well underway, go and register at www.b-independent.com, and then check it out at: http://www.b-independent.com/cgi-bin/YaBB.pl?board=Movies&action=display&num=1029324351 or go to MONSTURDS home page at http://www.4321films.com/ And once again, no I'm not with the production company, not close friends with anyone at the company and I'm not with SPECTRUM either, I'm just a fan who sees too much incredibly mediocre shit get released and want to support a decent little flick when it comes along. Okay, decent may not be the word to describe MONSTURD, but it's pretty fucking funny. Nuff said.

  • Nov. 26, 2002, 5:16 p.m. CST

    I'm no plant, and I have seen MONSTURD and the damn thing is FUN

    by THE TALL MAN

    It's an underground flick through and through, but I think it may break out on a slightly bigger level when it hits the video shelves from SPECTRUM FILMS. It aint gonna do BLAIRWITCH crazy biz, but it's too damn funny not to find some type of audience. To find a thread with more info on MONSTURD well underway, go and register at www.b-independent.com, and then check it out at: http://www.b-independent.com/cgi-bin/YaBB.pl?board=Movies&action=display&num=1029324351 or go to MONSTURDS home page at http://www.4321films.com/ And once again, no I'm not with the production company, not close friends with anyone at the company and I'm not with SPECTRUM either, I'm just a fan who sees too much incredibly mediocre shit get released and want to support a decent little flick when it comes along. Okay, decent may not be the word to describe MONSTURD, but it's pretty fucking funny. Nuff said.

  • Nov. 26, 2002, 5:36 p.m. CST

    In the immortal words of Rick McCallum

    by Lord Shatner

    This will make a shitload of money

  • Nov. 26, 2002, 5:38 p.m. CST

    What, no Hulk Hogan references yet?

    by Lord Shatner

    Creativity must be slipping in the talkback world

  • Nov. 26, 2002, 7:09 p.m. CST

    I guess nothing is sacred in the movie industry...

    by CoolDan989

    This is the absolute worst concept for a movie since, ironically, the movie "Thunderpants". Jesus, how shameless some filmmakers are. I will never, never, never, (and did I mention NEVER) see this movie, ever, ever, EVER.

  • Nov. 26, 2002, 8:12 p.m. CST

    YOU HAD ME FROM THE WORD "SHIT"

    by jackburtonlives

    man, oh man. that was some review. as soon as the reviewer admitted to having seen the LEPRECAUN series/JACK FROST horror flicks and CHILDREN OF THE CORN 1, 2 AND 3 (!!!) he established his credentials in my books. this looks like true classic material all right; and shot on a US$3,000 budget??? hopefully it will inspire other aspiring directors to get their "shit together" and get some good flicks made out there. good review, buddy. thanks, that made my day.

  • Nov. 27, 2002, 7:34 p.m. CST

    HOLY CRIPES!

    by TomVee

    I didn't even know there was a JACK FROST 2 and I pride myself on seeing all the shitty horror films available -- well, I will admit I did skip the last LEPRECHAUN. I also understand there are two killer ice cream man movies, but I only saw the one with Clint Howard. I have never seen the box for the other.

  • Nov. 28, 2002, 1:35 a.m. CST

    Damn! I can't wait to see that shit!

    by Dr strange

    You know you were thinking the same thing.

  • Nov. 28, 2002, 11:33 a.m. CST

    Setting the record straignt

    by Rick Popko

    Jack Frost vs. the Monsturd. I like it. I'd love to do that movie. The "Monsturd" will kick his ass big time, as it was Jack Frost that actually inspired us to make "Monsturd." Jack Frost was so bad it sent Dan West (co-creator of Monsturd) and I in a fit of rage. We were so mad after watching JF that we not only wanted our money back, but we wanted our TIME spent watching it back as well! Dan and I looked at each other and said, "We can make a movie better than this Sh$#!" And that was the catalyst that made Monsturd a reality. Monsturd took two years to make (a year to shoot and a year to edit). Everyone in the cast and crew had day jobs. We shot the thing with Canon's GL1 in "Frame" mode to achieve a film-like look to the movie. If anyone else has any questions about the production, they're free to e-mail me rickNOSPAM@4321films.com (take out the NOSPAM before you send). Bring on Jack Frost, I'd love to take a shot at bringing him down! -Rick Popko One of the Directors of "Monsturd."

  • Nov. 28, 2002, 11:58 a.m. CST

    Whoops! That should be RICK POPKO, not Mike Popko!

    by TheFoywonder

    My mistake. Now if only I could figure out where the SPACE in KILLER CLOWN FROM OUTER went.