SCOOBY DOO Review

I decided to take my time seeing SCOOBY DOO, because I wanted to see it when I was most open to seeing it.

Ya see, for all the hate filled venom I’ve spat at and in the general direction of the live-action feature film version of SCOOBY DOO… I really didn’t want to hate it. You see, nothing would please me more than to sing the praises of a live action SCOOBY DOO, and I wouldn’t give two shakes of the Care Stick if the rest of the world hated it, so long as I could look at the film and see a bit of the cartoon that I love up on that screen.

Why today?

Well, I woke up bright and early… automatically a sign of the apocalypse. For a fella that usually calls 3pm: RISE & SHINE, waking at 10am was something on the bizarre side right off. Papa Geek was not manning BAN CENTRAL at Geek Headquarters, so I picked up the tin can, gave two tugs of the string in the general direction of Sister Satan’s Hovel of Doom, and sure nuff, Papa San was there.

A mere 30 minutes later Father Geek, Sister Satan and Kublakhan were over here and we were spending a Knowlesian Sunday talking about rare suspense films available on DVD. Kublakhan was running around and at one point he picked up my Scooby Doo fuzzy Phone and Address book and asked me, “Scooby Doo?” That was the first time the thought, “I wonder what Kubla would think of SCOOBY DOO,” entered my head. I mentioned the possibility to Sister Satan, she felt Father Geek would just as well kiss a wookie than see SCOOBY DOO, but agreed that Kublakhan would probably get into it. We decided to bring it up with Pops during lunch.

After lunch I get into Kirby (that’s our car) and the ancient one brings up that Sister Satan said I had suggested taking Kubla to a movie, I said, “SCOOBY DOO” and his face actually registered an ol fist to the stomach, but he said, “OK, when and where?”

Given that the movie started in 22 minutes and we were 6 minutes from the theater, everything was going smoothly. We got our Kublakhan bribes, our second row seats and a booster chair for Sister Satan.

The theater had a decent crowd, mainly families with smaller children. That’s the right crowd. I hoped most of them bought tickets for other films, like I did, but somehow I think they all actually sent money to this movie – whereas mine was headed for REIGN OF FIRE. Hehehehehe

As the trailers played, the audience seemed most receptive to the SPY KIDS 2 trailer and oddly enough the awful MASTER OF DISGUISE trailer – though the turtle man gag is a gas… the first time I saw it anyways… My nephew was most captivated by the talking bear trailer and STUART LITTLE 2 trailer. But he’s 2 years old, what does he know?

SCOOBY DOO starts and instantly… it registers distaste. That terrible remix of the classic Scooby theme was instantly revolting. However, as we move to the WOW-O Toy Factory and the jumping floating ghost case… I sat back and decided to attempt to let this film have a chance at being something quasi-non-sucky.

Ok, from the get go… Daphne in peril – ok. Velma has a plan – good. Fred – what the fuck is up with Fred? Dear God, smite the infidel. It is astonishing when 2-dimensional Hanna Barbara limited animation can give a character more depth and soul than a human being… of course, nobody has ever accused Freddie Prinze as being a human being. Meanwhile, where’s Shaggy and Scooby? Ah, the barrel… the trembling barrel. Ah, Scooby’s tail!

Now it was at this point that Velma begins to actually explain the plan out loud for no other reason than to illustrate how a perfectly conceived master plan will fall apart when implemented depending upon the actions of Scooby and Shaggy.

As the Ghost does the flaming barrel number, and Scooby first appears on camera, I am at first disturbed by his CG appearance, but heh… close enough. Then Lillard’s masterful appearance as Shaggy ensues. That’s right, I’m gonna praise Lillard to the seven pillars of heaven for his nailing of Shaggy. It isn’t just the voice, it’s the expressions, mannerisms, body language, excitement and registering of subtle love for Scooby Doo. Every moment that is Shaggy and Scooby on screen – WITHOUT THE GIRL THAT HE ALLEGEDLY IS ENAMORED WITH – is absolute gold. The timing of their gags, the back and forth between them… Even that burping and farting contest, which I wanted to hate later in the film, somehow worked for me.

If anyone, other than Lillard and the team that brought Scooby to life gave even the slightest bit of care about being in this movie, then maybe it could have worked. Lillard and Scooby were in a FOUR STAR adaptation of the cartoon.

EVERYBODY ELSE was in the INSPECTOR GADGET movie. Freddie Prinze Jr… Should be roasted alive for reality television. He literally sucked the shorthairs from Gary Coleman’s scrotum. I mean he was bad, his character was bad, his mere presence on screen was horrendous.

First off, Fred as a character is not supposed to be some self-absorbed ass. He isn’t supposed to think he’s the most gorgeous thing in the world. He absolutely is not obsessed with beautiful anorexic women. Fred is the co-leader of the gang. He’s the glue that holds them all together. It’s his and Daphne and Velma’s shared love of the unknown and the mysteries of life that bind Mystery Inc as a cohesive group.

You see, take a look at when SCOOBY DOO was created by Hanna Barbara. 1969. What were they? Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy and Scooby were a team of young out-going college age kids that hit the road to uncover the schemes of evil doers. Now usually these evil doers were up to land grabbing, treasure stealing no good. Usually they were someone in the establishment. Someone in power, and only these young pesky kids that would stick their nose into the business of the establishment and actually question authority would reveal that THEY… THE MAN… THE OLDER PEOPLE were out to suppress and scare and cajole the rest of us into their evil schemes.

Now, along comes this movie. Now at a surface level, the idea of a theme park built around the concept of SCARING YOU to bring in the ‘alternative kids’ of the world to brainwash and spit out as Boy Band Loving Bastards of Materialism plays right into this established history of SCOOBY DOO anti-establishment work. However, the ultimate unmasking being a joke bad guy… well is utter and complete bullshit. Having SCRAPPY DOO be the bad guy was utterly retarded. Only a complete numbskull could actually have that be the bad guy. It stands against everything that Mystery Inc fights against.

Scrappy Doo isn’t the establishment, he’s a tool of the establishment, but see… they don’t tie it in like that. Scrappy Doo was forced by marketers down our throats to peddle to the lowest common denominator. Everything having to do with Scrappy Doo in this filt.. film was awful. Even worse than Freddie Prinze Jr and Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Scrappy Doo was ass.

Linda Cardellini’s Velma is almost where it needed to be. The problem was giving her some sort of bullshit sense of inadequacy was stupid. Velma didn’t care about boys or girls. Velma cared about the mystery. About getting to the bottom of what is going on, and upon figuring it out, getting the gang through the mystery safely. Linda did an admirable job with very badly written material. She was indeed hot as Velma, but for all the wrong reasons. Giving Velma cleavage is the wrong way to make her hot, she was hot because she was a chick that loved getting down and dirty in the scary stuff. Not only that, but she was the one that figured it all out.

Sarah Michelle Gellar’s DAPHNE is an affront. I mean just terrible. First off, she isn’t a redhead, but that’s a nitpick. Second off, Daphne isn’t supposed to be a dumb blonde. She isn’t a helpless dumbshit. She’s supposed to love the mysteries so much and be so into them that she gets caught and used as bait. Making her self-aware is terrible, because you’ve turned her into Self Parody right from the get go.

There isn’t supposed to be anything between Daphne and Fred. Sex doesn’t play into the Gang, because BELIEVE IT OR NOT, the thing that binds them is the MYSTERY. That’s their common interest. Sort of like Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson. I’ve never heard anyone go off on any gay subtext in regards to Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson, it has always been about the love of the game. The game is afoot.

Had the filmmakers of this mediocre film watched YOUNG SHERLOCK HOLMES, they might have understood the right tone to play this film. Watch HARRY POTTER – they get it. The right way to play SCOOBY DOO and the gang is to have three serious folks solving a mystery, but with Shaggy and Scooby along for the ride.

The mystery should be legitimately hard to figure out. Daphne, Fred and Velma work as a team to figure it out, while Shaggy and Scooby stumble through life sent on errands that food and goofing off always… ALWAYS GETS IN THE WAY OF.

Now, Shaggy would never fall for a girl, unless… UNLESS SHE COULD COOK. But even then, he wouldn’t care, because no chick could cook like he could. Because Shaggy was the master of the Contrary Meal, and when Shaggy and Scooby are on that beach cooking Eggplant Burgers doused in Chocolate sauce… Sublime joy. That’s it. Bam! Nailed. EXACTOMUNDO. At the end, when they’re eating nuclear hot peppers… AGAIN EXACTOMUNDO.

James Gunn got Shaggy and Scooby. James Gunn gets juvenile idiot humor. The problem was, James Gunn’s one note act of idiot humor being transferred over to every single character in the film made the film ONE STUPID JOKE FOR THE ENTIRE FILM, and turned this film into SELF PARODY which is always… ALWAYS A BAD WAY TO GO, unless the material you are dealing with was so horrible originally that you had no where else to go… i.e., THE BRADY BUNCH MOVIE. But that isn’t SCOOBY DOO.

So to wrap this all up.

How bad is SCOOBY DOO? It is mediocre with the bright spots coming from Lillard and Scooby. And the abject horribleness coming from Gellar, Prinze and Scrappy. The production design looking like a bizarre theme park, well it was a bizarre theme park, so that worked. First thing I would do if working on a sequel is develop a plot that involved Velma, Fred and Daphne being Kidnapped – and Shaggy and Scooby having to solve the mystery, save their friends and fight temptation to just blow it off and eat.

To end this properly, Matt Lillard proved that I can be wrong some of the time, something I believe we all knew was possible. HOWEVER, thanks to the absolute vacuum of talent that is Freddie Prinze Jr… I was proven dead on right. And due to Raja Gosnell’s cardboard direction of James Gunn’s terrible script, my overall assessment that this was going to be a pretty bad movie was right, but Lillard and Scooby did in fact make it a mildly amusing waste of money.

I was not angry at my time spent watching the film, nor was I happy. Instead there was a feeling of great disappointment. 1. Because the film wasn’t the train wreck that I was anticipating. 2. Because the film wasn’t the wonderful SCOOBY DOO movie that I know that Scooby Doo can be turned into.

This is just mediocrity defined.