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A BLADE II Review That Pretty Much Sums It All Up!!

Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.

I got in many BLADE II reviews today. This is the funniest BLADE II review I got in today. I don't think I'm going to run all 3,752 of them, but this one is worth it. All I know is... I know where the guy who wrote this review lives, and there's no way I'm going near that neighborhood till he calms down a little. Here's why:

BLADE FUCKIN' II! FUCK YEAH!

Man, like I just came from seeing Blade Fuckin II and I'm writing the title like that because aw man you're going to be so blown away you'll be all like, "Blade Fuckin II, that's what it should be called not Blade II because seriously HOLY SHIT". Even if you're talking to your grandparents visiting from Ohio you'll have like F-words flying because the movie kicks ass with a boot made of burning meat.

Also, if you see it with your girlfriend you'll automatically break up because hey, chicks stay away from this one. Go see Wedding Planner or that other one with the British guy and the bookstore and the cute dog and the herbal tea because this movie isn't for the chicks. Maybe for the chicks who ride motorcycles and can beat up pit bulls, maybe, but like holy shit fuckin boom! Pow bang yeah!

The movie is all about vampires which are bad enough but then there's these other vampires which are all like worse - their mouths are like garbage disposals so when they bite someone it's like a log flume ride made of blood and also there's heavy metal music playing over it.

The other vampires - the disposal mouth dudes are eating up the regular vampires so they're all like, "We gotta get Blade to help us" so they totally get him to go in with this group of ass-kicking vampires and here's the twist - they were trained to kill Blade only now they and Blade have to work together to kill the super-vamps and then, from that point on (MAJOR SPOLIERS AHEAD):

FUCKING SLASH KICK GUNS HEADS BLOWN OFF GODDAMN MOTORCYCLE FIGHT SCENES PUNCHING EYEBALLS OUT FLYING GUTS THROUGH THE AIR AND ALSO THIS ONE TOTALLY HOT CHICK SPURT CRUSH SNAP BONES EXPLOSIONS FIRE MELT-Y EXPLOSIONS SLAUGHTER MASSACRE RUN JUMP FLIP OVER HAMMER MACHINE GUN THROWING KNIFE-Y THING DEAD.

So when someone tells you this movie doesn't totally kick ass it's legal for you to break a bottle over their head and kick then in the groin and you can also fight the cops who show up to take you away - the movie is that bad-ass. See it before everyone thinks you're gay.

Neill Cumpston

Oddly enough, I think that's word-for-word what Pauline Kael would have said about it, god rest her soul. Mouth like a sailor on that one.

There were originally two other reviews here, but one of our astute readers pointed out to me that they were plagarized from a Toronto newspaper, so I took them back down. I hope you guys check out BLADE 2 this weekend. Me, I've decided that if I see E.T. this weekend, it'll be over at the new Arclight in Hollywood, at the restored Cinerama Dome, which has always been my favorite screen in town. I have to see what they've done to it, and whether or not it holds up as a venue.

"Moriarty" out.





Readers Talkback
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  • March 22, 2002, 9:42 a.m. CST

    From Dusk Til Dawn WAS THE BEST VAMP MOVIE EVER!

    by compn

    hehe, blade was pretty cool too i guess, FDTD still owns most everything.... rereleasing ET just to sell some CRAP at toysrus is just sad, cmon you crappy movie people, just put out new stuff, leave the old stuff alone to die, or to rott on dvd...

  • March 22, 2002, 9:50 a.m. CST

    need....Blade...2....now...

    by Marcus_Swe

    Sometimes I really hate this country....I have to wait til May to see Blade 2....ooohh cruel world!!

  • March 22, 2002, 9:55 a.m. CST

    FUCKETY-FUCK-FUCK!!!

    by twan_deeth_ree

    Dammit, I want to see this movie now!!!!!! Kapow bang boom. (in the spirit of the review)

  • March 22, 2002, 10:10 a.m. CST

    ET remembers Yoda

    by iamcanadajoe

    It all makes sense now, Just like in SW:TPM there are ET's in the council, so of course when ET sees Yoda on the street, he goes after him. PHONE HOME to a Galaxy Far Far away......

  • March 22, 2002, 10:20 a.m. CST

    Jay's Doing Movie Reviews Now?

    by Croyd

    I mean, I knew that he had to be able to do more than hang out in front of the video store and the Quick Stop, but I didn't know that he was literate enough to write a movie review. Hmm....maybe Silent Bob was doing the typing for him... Still - this was one of the funniest movie reviews I've read in a while. Keep it up Jay!

  • March 22, 2002, 10:25 a.m. CST

    Speilberg is ANTI-GUN!

    by Kort Villikon

    He siad he was making a poloitcal statement about changing the scene where the kids hold guns. This guy has a class 3 firearms license. He can legally posess fully armed machineguns and explosive devices. SS is a HYPOCRITE!

  • March 22, 2002, 10:25 a.m. CST

    NEILL CUMPSTON!

    by Buck Teeth Soh

    Give that man a regular column! Better yet, a syndicated TV show that us Brits can watch at 2 am on Channel 5. That's the best vampire movie review I've ever read, and it turned me on more than Harry's, too.

  • March 22, 2002, 10:47 a.m. CST

    oh, good, another debate about firearms.

    by omarthesnake

    spare us. don't start. drop it. ET is a kid's movie, and --- apart from needing something to shoot Old Yeller with --- you don't need guns in a kid's movie. Sheesh.

  • March 22, 2002, 10:52 a.m. CST

    JackCarter2000

    by SoulOnIce

    That JackCarter2000 Blade 2 review is a straight crib of Geoff Peveres Review in todays Toronto Star. Are they the same person or is Jack Carter plagarizing?

  • March 22, 2002, 10:55 a.m. CST

    omarthesnake

    by bluelou_boyle

    sure it's a kid's movie. But it was a kids movie 20 years ago, what's the difference ? Kids know they exist. The guns have a context and place in the film. Parents should educate kids about things like guns, not the movies.

  • March 22, 2002, 11 a.m. CST

    BEST VAMPIRE MOVIE REVIEW EVER!!!

    by Eat_Your_Peas

    Oh my God, that review was so damn funny! I agree, Neill Cumpston needs his own column on this site. A movie like Blade II needs a visceral review like that to do it justice. That review kicked ass with a boot made of burning meat. Holy shit!

  • March 22, 2002, 11:12 a.m. CST

    JackCarter2000-Plagarist Supreme

    by SoulOnIce

    Holy Shit!! He has also copied Peter Howells E.T review!! I think an apology to these 2 writers is in order!

  • March 22, 2002, 11:13 a.m. CST

    JackCarter2000-Plagarist Supreme

    by SoulOnIce

    Holy Shit!! He has also copied Peter Howells E.T review!! I think an apology to these 2 writers is in order! Peter Howell also writes for the Toronto Star.

  • March 22, 2002, 11:19 a.m. CST

    bluelou_boyle

    by omarthesnake

    If the studio demanded the change, I'd be right there with the protestors. But the change was made by the director/writer/producer/creator of the piece. That's his right. It doesn't destroy the original, and i think it's to Spielberg's credit that he's said he will release both versions on DVD. The old version was shown in a more innocent time, when kids getting shot wasn't on the news on a semi-daily basis.

  • March 22, 2002, 11:22 a.m. CST

    AAAARRRGGGGHHH!

    by Burnmeister

    Just learned that here in Germany we won

  • March 22, 2002, 11:24 a.m. CST

    um... dolphin560?

    by omarthesnake

    Shouldn't you be over at christian-movie-reviews.com instead of here among the lepers, heathens and sodomites?

  • March 22, 2002, 11:55 a.m. CST

    "this movie isn't for the chicks"

    by film_chic

    ARGH!! You seriously need to get laid, dude. If some "chick" doesn't dig this movie, then you don't need to date her. Being a "chick" myself, I must say that I totally enjoyed my FRONT ROW SEAT to the WORLD FUCKING PREMIERE in Austin. You should get over your sexist stereotypes and just write that this movie kicked major ass from beginning to end! And if ANYONE doesn't like that type of thing, HE or SHE should just stay out of our fucking way! Personally, I'm going to see this film over and over and enjoy every minute of it. Maybe you'll be able to find a real woman at one of your screenings......

  • March 22, 2002, 11:58 a.m. CST

    yes, chicks like the movie too

    by omarthesnake

    out of the FOUR women in the group I saw the movie with, not one single one took offense, stormed out, anything... in fact, they dug it almost as much as me and my buddy Mark, the two obsessive horror buffs of the group. leave the stereotypes out beside the dumpster. Folks have individual tastes.

  • March 22, 2002, 12:43 p.m. CST

    near dark

    by GGAllinThicke

    near dark is genius. this review is genius. do white people smell like wet puppy dogs?

  • March 22, 2002, 12:51 p.m. CST

    jeezus bro,, Cpatin t ypo thinx that u r on krack!@!

    by Captin Typo

    i thikn im gona staay away frum yor nayborhood 2! if u want 2 gett madd porps frum tha tokbackrs, u nede 2 hav moore stile like mee!!! i due admier yur youse of tha werd 'fUck' so manee tiimes/ thuogh.. pluss any moovee wiht heavee metel playng roxout in myb ook. hay hairy,, let goo d'ol Cptin Tuypo rite a criticil reveiw of sum film sumtime. "spidee" or "atack of thwe cloanz' wood b kwel or maybee mineorety riport. i dont c any difrence btween my riting an hiz! ! az 4 braking bottels ovur peeples heds i due thatt shit constintly anyweigh!!! fuc k, jus thro on a ltitle pantara or robirt zombee an im a fucken killen macheen!1 o and my granparants?? i wil definatly take them to this so betwene tha gor an proefanetees on tha screan an tha chick thatl b sukkin me off their fuckn garuntede 2 hav a hart atack !! he he so if youl xcuse me ive gota celabrait this twakked out reveiw with a biggas blundt. remmebor nurds "keep yer frends cloase n yer enimees cloaser 'cuz youl need allthe pretectoin u can git 2 sav u frum the altamate reeper of biches, Captin typ!!o

  • March 22, 2002, 1:50 p.m. CST

    Review

    by LeeScoresby

    "chicks who ride motorcycles and can beat up pit bulls" and "a log flume ride made of blood". Best review EVER. Give this man a column.

  • March 22, 2002, 1:55 p.m. CST

    film_chic

    by SkullKrusher

    You sound like a real cool chick. You want to get together sometime and do stuff. You sound hot. I think you look hot too. Lets get together and hook up.

  • March 22, 2002, 2:26 p.m. CST

    BRILLIANT!

    by TheKellySisters

    Petey Wheatstraw is finally writing for AICN instead of just Talking Back! This guy definitely needs a weekly on your site Harry. Hell, why not a daily? It'll make up for you only updating once every blue corn moon.

  • March 22, 2002, 3:58 p.m. CST

    weak mind

    by Damer1

    Repeated crassness is a sure sign of a weak mind.

  • March 22, 2002, 5:15 p.m. CST

    Give up on Dolphin...

    by LesterB

    I've had my run-ins with him here before. He genuinely believes he's saving souls by saying what he's saying and doing what he's doing, and no one's going to convince him otherwise. Just try to ignore him.

  • March 22, 2002, 5:34 p.m. CST

    This reviewer is a blind asshole

    by allykatD

    Blind, I say, because obviously he's never seen 'chicks' who like action, and asshole because he should know better. Normally I stay away from name-calling, it's just not necessary or nice, but I really hate these kinds of comments: "Also, if you see it with your girlfriend you'll automatically break up because hey, chicks stay away from this one. Go see Wedding Planner or that other one with the British guy and the bookstore and the cute dog and the herbal tea because this movie isn't for the chicks." That's just bullshit, and I hate reading reviews written by moronic males with a third-grade education. Not only am I a "chick", but I saw the first Blade, bought it on DVD and enjoyed it many many more times, but I plan on seeing Blade II and have been waiting for many months to see it. Guys have to realize that not all females appreciate insipid romance movies. I'm the one in the family who drags my husband to see "Pitch Black" and "Gladiator". Maybe the reviewer need to get out more often, or at least stop dating pre-pubescent females.

  • March 22, 2002, 5:38 p.m. CST

    SkullKrusher

    by film_chic

    Oh baby...

  • March 22, 2002, 9:23 p.m. CST

    This Film Sucks

    by WoodyStiffer

    Even popcorn flicks need a credible story to pull it all together. I've been extremely anxious to see this movie - only to be COMPLETELY let down. What a pile of steaming dung - New Line - start reading the damn scripts before greenlighting, please. Save your money for video on this one.

  • March 22, 2002, 9:33 p.m. CST

    that was most certainly an interesting review... but all this ta

    by a goonie

    since i generally hate it when movies are scored to radio tunes. be it pop, metal, or alternative, it just pisses me off. especially metal.

  • March 22, 2002, 11:14 p.m. CST

    goddammn this movie fucking rocked!!!!!

    by yeah i'm a jerk!

    that's really all i have to say. go see it or be a lame ass '80's nostalgia fan and see that little puppet show for liberal pansys.

  • March 23, 2002, 12:27 a.m. CST

    great review

    by BigBallSac

    this is by far the best review of blade II I have seen on the net thus far.

  • March 23, 2002, 2:28 a.m. CST

    I like the way you talk

    by stuntrocker

    In order to get repeated pleasure out of this review you need to imagine Guillermo saying it. Have you talked to him. Click on the Blade II banner and listen to him talk. Then come back and read it with the accent. "Thees moovie ees fookeeng...cheeks keeking peet bulsss assses!" sort of a deal. Go on. Have fun with it.

  • March 23, 2002, 4:38 a.m. CST

    Guillermo

    by BRAK

    You're right stuntrocker, Guillermo is hillarious. I heard him speak when he introduced Mimic at a preview. He said he warned the studio "You know we're going to kill these kids in the movie?" The studio said "Kill the fucking kids! We don't care." I also agree that Neill Cumpston should have a regular column. He has that Joe Bob Briggs quality.

  • March 23, 2002, 8:30 a.m. CST

    Does anyone else think it's strange...

    by Martin_Blank

    that this site is going hogwild over 'Blade 2' -- which coincidentally has provided ad revenue for the site for *months* now -- while Harry pooh-poohs the 'E.T.' re-release ('I'll see it the third weekend, yawn'). Fact is, folks, no one's gonna care enough to re-release 'Blade 2' in 20 years. 'E.T.' has stood the test of time, 'Blade 2' won't. Alexandra's review was dead-on, the changes really don't hurt the film that much, if at all. For further hypocrisy, some of the same people bitching so much about the new edition of 'E.T.' were first on line for Lucas's 'Greedo Shoots First' (ahem, 'Star Wars: Special Edition'). Now that 'Blade 2' has finally been released, can we look forward to no longer hearing about it endlessly or seeing ad banners for the frickin thing?? No, I guess there's always the DVD to pimp for in a few months....

  • March 23, 2002, 8:40 a.m. CST

    Does anyone else think it's strange...

    by Martin_Blank

    that this site is going hogwild over 'Blade 2' -- which coincidentally has provided ad revenue for the site for *months* now -- while Harry pooh-poohs the 'E.T.' re-release ('I'll see it the third weekend, yawn'). Fact is, folks, no one's gonna care enough to re-release 'Blade 2' in 20 years. 'E.T.' has stood the test of time, 'Blade 2' won't. Alexandra's review was dead-on, the changes really don't hurt the film that much, if at all. For further hypocrisy, some of the same people bitching so much about the new edition of 'E.T.' were first on line for Lucas's 'Greedo Shoots First' (ahem, 'Star Wars: Special Edition'). Now that 'Blade 2' has finally been released, can we look forward to no longer hearing about it endlessly or seeing ad banners for the frickin thing?? No, I guess there's always the DVD to pimp for in a few months....

  • March 23, 2002, 11:18 a.m. CST

    Where's the cool black chick?

    by I am Ham

    It's cool they have awesome bad-guys and fight scenes but...how can there be a Blade sequel without that cool black chick? I mean, she was going to make him better serums so he could still be half-vampire and fight...gur.. ps-watch your fucking mouth!

  • March 23, 2002, 11:37 a.m. CST

    sooo much better than the first one.

    by TheAtarisFan

    Blade 2 is so much better than Blade. The plot is much better, super evolved vampires is a much better enemy than an evil god. That was my problem with the first one, I thought it was good, except that the main plot was Blade fighting an evil god. Come on, when you want to start a franchise, you don't put the hero against a god in the first movie. It should've been part 1-Blade fights Frost part2-Blade fights Dracula part 3- Blade fights super evolved vampires part 4- Blade fights a god. -Hail Cthulhu

  • March 23, 2002, 11:38 a.m. CST

    oh yeah, and

    by TheAtarisFan

    That Nyssa chick was really hot.

  • March 23, 2002, 3:11 p.m. CST

    A VERY OBVIOUS BIAS/SELL-OUT? **LONG** **SPOILERS**

    by Michaelangelo

    Wait a minute... there're 3000+ reviews out there and the only ones that get shown at Aint It Cool News are the ridiculously raving ones? And I mean RIDICULOUSLY raving ones? This was the movie that really convinced me that Harry/Moriarty & co has sold out. Yes, it was good. Was it, like, the defining movie of the action-horror subgenre as AICN would have us all believe? I'm sorry, but I saw Blade 2 and it wasn't that great. Harry, PICK your raving reviews or their value will be diluted. Let's look at some of the generally unmentionable bad parts because they're spoilers (BEWARE: SPOILERS) -----> The absolutely RIDICULOUS speech given by the 'betrayer' where s/he described all of his/her 'clever' ways of manipulating Blade & co almost made me laugh out loud it was so contrived and added nothing to the plot. I could almost hear that cheesy Anime villain 'ha-HA!' laugh in the background. And that's just the beginning. The CG effects were good (and oddly, that seems to be one of the only points of contention) though some of those wrestling moves struct me as a little cheesy. The acting wasn't all that great, and at times I felt the movie suffered from 'BLACK HAWK DOWN' syndrome: "They're fighting, fighting, oh, what are they doing now - oh, more fighting, oh, wait! They're trying something new and... FIGHTING something. Here's a cheesy nonsensical love story where Blade throws out everything he believes after ONE SCENE because the main vampire chick is hot." I ask you: Why did they need that love thing? Why did they need that cheesy, CHEESY 'betrayal'? They could have done SO MUCH more with this movie and, instead, what little time away from fighting there was was spent developing the most preposterous subplots. I kept waiting for some 'grand finale' that would renew my faith in AICN, but nothing came. It just sort of petered out at the end with a 'final battle' that was overshadowed by the opening scene (which I maintain was the best in the movie).

  • March 23, 2002, 5:42 p.m. CST

    Skull Krusher and Film Chic made me cry

    by 2GOLD

    It's so lovely when two people get together on a talkback about a ultra violent bloody vampire movie that just happens to discuss cursing and the term chick. It's like "You've got mail" only with a really strange kinda back away slowly twist. I mean really, brings a tear to me eye. Like two people getting married in a Walmart, just beautiful. Now then, off to watch some blood splatter...oh yeah I might catch Blade 2 as well.

  • March 23, 2002, 7:07 p.m. CST

    Stop shilling this excrement!

    by sanc_reunion

    Blade II was NOT THAT GOOD. It has about 18 minutes worth of interesting fight scenes, and the rest is boring derivative pap that appears to have been edited by a 6-year old meth abuser. Who exactly thought it was a good idea to film fight scenes in strobe lighting or near-darkness, and then cut every 1.5 seconds? Was Blade 2 financed by the Opticians Association of America? Why can't these movies steal the GOOD stuff from Hong Kong action cinema, namely the expertly-choreographed complex fights that don't need to rely on quick-cutting? --- How on Earth could any sane person, let alone any respectable "geek", compare this 'movie' (which is really just a bunch of boring crap bookended by cool fights) to Aliens, or even The Crow? Yes, that's right - it isn't even the caliber of The Crow. IT IS BARELY BETTER THAN "SPAWN". IT IS "SPAWN" WITH THREE GOOD FIGHT SCENES. --- I don't even know why I read the shill reviews on this site anymore. Harry, you're probably more responsible for movie piracy than any P2P filesharing program. Congress should draft the SHKFLO once they get through with the CBDTPA, in an endeavor to protect producers' interests by Stopping Harry Knowles From Lying Outrageously about their films and sowing distrust and resentment against the film industry in general.

  • March 23, 2002, 8:40 p.m. CST

    ditto from last post on Mo's review..

    by holoholojoe

    Aliens + Batman + WWF + poor action edits = Blade II ----------------------------------it's not that great of a flix. In fact, the first Blade was better in terms of story and action sequences. Most of the time, i can't see what the F**K was going on when they fight, WAY too close and every MFKer was wearing black and then the movie is filmed in a black / yellow / blue hue. (nice coloring though) so when the fighting starts, you see black suit people moving around with some silver flickers here and then, and then BAM, some vamp/reaper is killed with that firework CGI. and blade apparantly LOVES to do 360's when he fights cause that all he does. jackie chan maybe be past 40, but at least in his fight sequences, you can see what the hell is going on. in this respect i was way disappointed. it was boring when they are NOT fighting, and it was dizzy when they were. dunno, i just hope it makes enough money so i can see Blade III so it redeems itself..

  • March 24, 2002, 2:19 a.m. CST

    "you'll have like F-words flying because the movie kicks ass

    by The_Lion

    This dude is funny as fuck. Also, LMFAO @ at all the chick who are griping about him... like HE would actually care! hehe haha!

  • March 24, 2002, 2:19 a.m. CST

    Greatest

    by clevelandsteamer

    This was the greatest review and quite possibly the greatest piece of writing I have ever read and this item known only as the "boot made of burning meat" is just a wonderful thing which we should all be thankful for.

  • March 24, 2002, 5:20 p.m. CST

    GOD DAMN YOU HARRY!!!!!!!!

    by Gentle_Fury

    What the hell is wrong with you?????? You took a review about the god of all monster flix this year and got people thinking about fucking ET!!!! So i say GOD DAMN YOU!!!!! Blade 2 fucking rocked the shit out of every person in the theater and made them eat that shit and made them shit out the shit that they just ate only to make them eat the shit made up of blades shit that they just fucking ate!!!!! This board could have been teaming with people talking about how much they loved and hated (ASSHOLES THAT SAY THAT!!) this ever awaited movie that wesley has been training since the last one to make.......and yet we get people talking about FUCKING ET!!!!!!!!! and FUCKING FLASHLIGHT REPLACEMENT IN ET!!!!! You fucking assholes!!!!!! THANX A LOT FOR RUINING THE BOARD!!!! btw i love your site! snoogans

  • March 24, 2002, 9:22 p.m. CST

    Blade 2 = Episode 2

    by Dakota Brown

    What a stinker! About halfway through this debasement, I got a sinking feeling about Harry's Episode II review. Was that just more studio ass kissing? Is Episode 2 going to be the cinematic equivalent of playing hacky-sack my grandmother's colostomy bag -- a few moment of fun that leaves you covered in shit?

  • March 24, 2002, 10:17 p.m. CST

    Ever since Blair Witch...

    by sanc_reunion

    Harry's cred has been shot. The studios saw the $ result hype could generate, and they've either been 1) paying him to hawk their crap to the "internet demographic" or 2) coddling and buttering him up every time they have a film they want the "internet demographic" to see, because they *know* this will lead to a favorable review no matter how putrid the film is (in carnie language, he would be known as a "mark"). I always figured it was 2), and thought that Harry was just extremely gullible, but the fact that it's continued without him catching on for 3 years is making me lean towards 1) more and more as an explanation. Wasn't Harry even a Blair Witch 2 apologist? Hm.

  • March 26, 2002, 1:20 p.m. CST

    Vaginas? Vaginas?

    by Samurhino

    After reading the various reviews for Blade II I was hyped to see it. Saw it last night, loved it...I thought it was better than the first one, which I also loved. However, the Reapers mouths did not look like vaginas to me as has been stated in a number of reviews. I would be very interested to know what ungodly monster you are married to or have dated that has a vagina like that. Good lord. So in conclusion...great movie go see it if you haven't already but don't expect to see vagina mouths unless you are dating a predator.

  • April 16, 2002, 3:40 p.m. CST

    Blade 2 - Hokum!

    by Wizard_Of_Odds

    Action? - Yes, Blood? - Yes, Hokey? - YES! Sorry guys, this movie was not a good sequel. Am I alone in thinking that many of the computer generated scenes were poorly done? As for the storyline.... let's look at the scenario: You come up against a creature that is immune to garlic, silver etc. in fact the only thing that kills it is sunlight. Soooooo, do you a)figure out how to get it into the sunlight or b) engage in a prolonged Jackie Chan fight? (more than once!!) I thought Blade was smarter than that. Overall 4/10 - definitely a movie for people who thought Friday the 13th episode 98 was good!