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The Seaman cleans up his act and talks about BLADE 2, I'm talking about Quint and you can dig it...

Hey folks, Harry here... The thing that is great about being Harry, is you can indulge every self-absorbed writing concept that you could ever even think of... and then expose a bunch of heterophobes to it, and watch them squirm. The pleasuring of the 'gyno-americans', as Lloyd Kaufman calls them, as a metaphor for Del Toro's amazing pacing and pleasure outlaying in BLADE 2... well... You'll see soon enough. Here's Quint...

Ahoy there, squirts... 'Tis I, the former raunchy ol' seaman, Quint, here... I say former because I thought I knew what raunchy was and could safely identify myself as one who would frequently inhabit that state, but then I read Harry's Blade 2 review. Whew. I have to say, though... It was very educational... almost a textbook on muff diving. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't taking notes during the review.

At any rate, I found myself in an odd place. As is almost always the case when following up Sir Harry of the Round Pizza, who is far fairer in the... ahem... inventive imagination department, I wasn't sure how to write my own views of the film up for you folks. Harry covered the wildly geeky and graphic areas and let's face it... There's no earthly way I can top his review without instantly exploding and being placed in front of the 5 Items or Less line to Hell.So... I'll not be drab and boring, but don't expect fellatio tips in this review.

Blade 2, Blade 2... What can I say? It's the kick-ass, balls to the wall, no holds barred action flick we fanboys have been screaming for since the heyday of Aliens and Terminator 2. As you've undoubtedly read, it's nearly impossible to avoid comparing this film to Aliens. The two films both share the same type of frantic energy, the same sense of danger for our lead characters as they fight for their lives completely outnumbered, the same feeling of loss when one of the group gets hurt or dies and not to mention the same dark style of cinematography.

The real thing Blade 2 shares with Aliens are the likeable characters. Who could forget Hicks, Hudson, Vasquez, Ripley, Newt, Bishop or Burke? Good luck forgetting Ron Perlman's Rienhardt, Snipes' Blade (who is much more stoic and less robotic in this film), Luke Goss's head Reaper, Nomak, Kris Kristofferson's Whistler or Daz Crawford's tattoed Lighthammer. You care about these guys, even if they are vile, unlikable people (like Rienhardt) because they are so badass that you don't want to see 'em go.

The awe and wonder is top notch in Blade 2. Guillermo's made the first real computer enhanced superhero movie. What I mean is it doesn't look like wire-fu or a bad Yuen Woo Ping style rip-off. By using CG stuntmen, del Toro was able to shoot over the top leaps, hits, impacts and fights without making the audience feel they're watching The Matrix or Crouching Tiger/Hidden Dragon again. Blade fights dirty, hits hard, inflicts superhuman damage, absorbs hits that'll make you cringe...

Some people have been bitching about the CG in this movie. Sure, sometimes the CG is quite noticeable, like the first appearance of the Ninja Vampires or during some of the more elaborate fight sequences, but I think these people forgot to ask themselves one question. Is it the CG that pulls the eye towards the effect or the fact that it would be impossible for someone to do in real life? I do see their point, though. You can see the CG, but you can also see the stop motion animation in King Kong, does that make it any less badass?

CG is used in this movie very, very well. I dare you to watch some of these fights and pinpoint the entrance and exit of CG stuntmen/enhancements. You'll find it tougher to do than you think. Having said all that, the absolute worst CG in this film is 200 times better than the best CG in the first Blade. Those blood effects at the end of the original Blade will go down as some of the worst theatrical CG work in the history of film.

I hope you fools know what the film is about by now, but if you don't I'll tell you in Guillermo's words to me a few weeks ago. "So, Qweent! Do you have any fucking idea what dis moobie's about? There are dees emaciated, crack-addict looking mutherfuckers called Reapers who are killing everybody and Blade has to team up with dis Bampire team called the Blood Pack, who were trained to kill him, to stop de Reapers, dose bastards!" I can't wait for his DVD commentary. hehehe

The Blood Pack is awesome, a beautiful blend of different badass styles ranging from Donnie "Iron Monkey" Yen's calm, calculated and deadly martial arts skills to Lighthammer's hulking, slow, but deadly spiked sledgehammer blows to Ron Perlman's Rienhardt who just oozes cruelty and a "You don't want to fuck with me," attitude. You add the other members with their firepower and Vampire know-how and you have a group that can take out just about anything... or so you think.

That brings us to the Reapers. Sure, they look cool in the trailers... but are they as creepy as everybody has been saying? Hells yes. With the utmost sincerity I can assure you that your shit will be freaked out when you see them in action. The make-up is creepy, the movement (a sort of bent over shuffling that can turn into an all fours run when needed) is eerie and their attacks are just plain scary. The Reapers are definitely the coolest villains in both design and execution that I have seen in ages.

So, is Blade 2 as cool as Aliens? Well, Aliens has survived well over 50 beginning to end viewings by me since childhood and has proved a life of over 15 years so far. Blade 2 has to wait a while and hold up to many repeat viewings, but no one would be happier than me if it proves itself worthy to be pulled out at parties in 15 years time and heralded as one of the greats in this action/horror mini-genre.

Well, that's it for me, squirts. Look out for the last bit of SXSW coverage from me as well as an interview with one of America's leading independent filmmakers and a cool set report or two. Before I go, I just want to thank all the kind readers who I met earlier this week in LA at Knowles' booksigning. It was a helluva fun time. Well, time for me to shove off. I'll be back soon with all that above coolness. 'Til that day, this is Quint bidding you all a fond farewell and adieu.

-Quint

email: aicnquint@aol.com

Readers Talkback
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  • March 22, 2002, 1:45 a.m. CST

    Wow!!! I can't wait for this movie!!!!

    by SithScorp

    'nuff said... I loved the first one, even with the lame "blood-god" thing... Can't wait for more Blade ass-whoopin'...

  • March 22, 2002, 2:17 a.m. CST

    So will there be a special edition Blade 2 with missing robot se

    by Jaqen H'ghar

    Just a thought.

  • March 22, 2002, 2:28 a.m. CST

    Vegas Has The AICN "Blade II" Review Over/Under Total at 17 1/2!

    by jollydwarf

    Over is money in the bank, baby! And what the fuck was the "heterophobe" comment supposed to mean? Honestly, while I know what the word means, I have never heard that before. Stunner. The Book-Shilling One is actually trying to turn his poor judgement around on us by calling out everyone who doesn't want to think of him rug-munching. Okay...No, really, I'm sorry, I don't want Harry or anyone else on this site to crossbreed the Forum letters with a movie review. And the arrogant way that he poo-poos the whole thing, you almost think that he had a custom-made "Cruel Intentions" one sheet with his visage replacing Ryan Philippe's! "Ooh yeah, I talk the shit, what being the player that I am." To be unfair about it, I wouldn't mind having, say, Eliza Dushku present such a graphic review, but, you know, I'm a double-standard aspiring chauvanist who likes to keep his sexual thoughts and movie geeks in their respective food dividers on the Swanson's TV dinner that is my mind. Actually, if they could be in separate refrigerators, that would be even better. But I stand on my, uh, "prudish" soapbox with arms folded and resist such inanity. The fact that people are throwing around "Aliens" as a legit comparison is very encouraging, as that is one of the great adrenalin fests, making you gradually dig your fingers into the armrests on the seats adjacent to you, as Cameron winds the suspense vice tighter and tighter (yes I choose torture metaphors for my horror/action films). I just think that the reviews here, well-written or exercises for ghost writing in spankbooks, are actually starting to make me question the corruption resulting from this site's connection to the film. I won't hold it against "Blade II", but the more I read here, the less I trust. But all us 'commonfolk' find out later today. "Oooh...so exciting...."

  • March 22, 2002, 2:32 a.m. CST

    Definition of squirm

    by sanc_reunion

    Apparently a bunch of posts calling Harry lame/a virgin/as mature as a 7th-grader that just hit puberty/a terrible writer/tasteless/classless is "squirming"? Or perhaps that comment was in reference to the dozens of posts expressing discomfort with the mental image of Harry engaging in any sexual act? In that case, "cacomorphobia" might be a more appropriate descriptor than "heterophobia". HTH

  • March 22, 2002, 2:42 a.m. CST

    These consistent comparisons to Alien have started to get me sto

    by Fitzy Funk

    Let's hope they amount to more than simply spur-of-the-moment "gorror" fanboy ravings. I also liked how they got the Iron Monkey dude on kickass detail. Promising.

  • March 22, 2002, 2:42 a.m. CST

    Not sure if I'd rank it as equal to ALIENS...

    by Psyclops

    That movie had more going for it than just action and gore, it had a great story with strong character development and a whole lotta heart (it did, seriously). BLADE II is a great thrill ride with loads of gore and some kick ass characters but I don't think you bond with them nearly as much as you did with the colonial marines in ALIENS. Don't get me wrong, I really... REALLY enjoyed BLADE II, much more than the original (which I thought was great), it just can't top Cameron's masterpeice. Having said that... I dare anyone out there to see this movie and NOT walk out of the theater with a great big goofy smile on your face. You'll find yourself muttering midway through the flick... "This is TOO FUCKING COOL!!!"

  • March 22, 2002, 2:56 a.m. CST

    Don't be Pitch Black. Don't be Pitch Black. Don't be

    by Domi'sInnerChild

    Dammit, now I've got high expectations.

  • March 22, 2002, 3:18 a.m. CST

    You won't be disapointed

    by Zarty B.

    I saw this last night and can't wait to see it again. The only thing I didn't like about the first Blade was the ending, I felt it could have been a lot better. I was very happy that I didn't feel that way at all about Blade2. BLADE 2 ROCKS!!!Everyone must see Blade2.

  • March 22, 2002, 3:43 a.m. CST

    Hey man, what was wrong with Pitch Black?

    by BrashHulk

    It was a very stylish, perfectly acceptable entry into the annals of Cool Sci-Fi Moviedom. And besides, it has Claudia Black in it, which makes it just a little bit more than acceptable, actually. Anyway, back to Blade II: I saw an interview with Ron Perlman who said that Reinhardt was "by far" his favorite character that he's ever done. Sounds like a wild time is to be had tomorrow when I and my friends hop into our seats for the noon showing!

  • March 22, 2002, 3:55 a.m. CST

    PITCH BLACK.

    by Cash Bailey

    C'mon, how can you not love a movie that has the balls to use children as 'red-shirts'?

  • March 22, 2002, 4 a.m. CST

    It's just that were heard the Aliens comparison to Pitch Bla

    by Domi'sInnerChild

    A lot of AICN hype on that one and while it wasn't a bad movie, it's wasn't great either. I want Blade II to be great now... thanks Quint. Okay, let's just say theoretically the movie is great. Now I'm mad that I got my expectations up. Remember when you walked into Die Hard expecting it to be a piece of crap with the funny guy from Moonlighting? Damn, it would have been like that all over again.

  • March 22, 2002, 4:03 a.m. CST

    Pitch Black Rox! And so will Blade 2!

    by Ruethifer

    Pitch Black had Vin Diesel as Riddick - surely one of the coolest and sexiest of movie badasses ever! And the main prettychick died! That was GREAT! I love it when the prettychicks die! Is there a prettychick in Blade 2? Anyway, it's all about Wesley Snipes - he's a hunka, hunka burnin' undead love. Smoothies...

  • March 22, 2002, 4:20 a.m. CST

    Holy shit, Quint's alive?

    by MCVamp

    I thought that damned mecha-shark would be the end of you. Good to see you back, even though no matter what, I'll be skeptical of Blade 2 right up until the end of the first hour. Sorry, but the first one royally blew and I'm only giving part 2 a chance based on the jizz-fest certain reviewers gushed forth for it.

  • March 22, 2002, 5:56 a.m. CST

    This Is One Of Those Rare occasions Where The Sequel is Better t

    by The Founder

    It was good, but i wouldn't say it's as good as Aleins. I'd say it's a step below, and believe me with being said it's light years ahead of the past two summer craps we've been subjected to.

  • March 22, 2002, 5:57 a.m. CST

    Ebert gave it a damn good review (3 and a half stars)!!!

    by Psyclops

    I'm checking it out tonight... and hoping to God that they didn't cut out most of the gruesome shit that I saw back in November!!

  • March 22, 2002, 5:58 a.m. CST

    BLADE'S SHADES II

    by workshed

    Which fashion house supplies his sunglasses and do we see the label in shot?

  • March 22, 2002, 8:45 a.m. CST

    Yeah Whistler Looked Pretty God Damn Cooked

    by Cardiff Giant

    I also am apparently not a big enough fanboy to know how he comes back in this flick, but I'm sure I will find out in a few hours. Also, someone fucking fix the TB. I hate it when that shit happens.

  • March 22, 2002, 9:17 a.m. CST

    Re:Kinch

    by Kraken

    High School Kid, yeah, for like the last 7 years now right? You know, I don't know how long they kept you in High School, but they let me out in four years, I would venture a guess and say they probably did the same for Quint here about 3 years ago. Dumbass. And another thing, suggesting that Harry and him "get it on" is... well, that's probably true, but who are you to judge!

  • March 22, 2002, 9:20 a.m. CST

    Now thats a movie I gotta see

    by kartaron

    For all the admiration one can have for the superior level of filmmaking and clarity of vision, "Blade II" is an abominably imaginative celebration of violence that revels in guns and all the current gadgetry for hunting and killing. Sickening and utterly pointless, when it's not just outrageously tweaked for shock value, the film is soulless and caters to the darkest of human instincts. David Hunter Hollywood Reporter

  • March 22, 2002, 10:47 a.m. CST

    JackCarter2000

    by SoulOnIce

    That Jack Carter Blade 2 review is a straight crib of Geoff Peveres review in todays Toronto Star. Are they the same person or is JackCarter2000 plagarizing?

  • March 22, 2002, 10:54 a.m. CST

    "... expose a bunch of heterophobes to it, and watch them squirm

    by PoxyVonSinister

    Replace "heterophobes" with "fans of good writing" and you'd be dead on there.

  • March 22, 2002, 12:15 p.m. CST

    Oh man...tonight's the night!

    by Sod Off Baldric

    Blade II...finally! And I liked Pitch Black, dammit!

  • March 22, 2002, 12:23 p.m. CST

    Heterophobia?

    by SmackAttack

    I'm seeing it today. I can't wait to stare at the vagina faces. I'm going to take mental photographs of all the hot ass. Then I'm going to come home and mess around with my girlfriend, all the while I'll be pretending I'm Blade. I AM THE DAYWALKER! AHHHHHH! See, I'm not a heterophobe! Now, with that established, I still believe Harry's review of Blade II to be the worst review ever written for a film, period. I like Harry, but he has shamed movie fandom further by passing off the blame for such a steaming pile of shit on his readers. Harry, I love ya, but you wrote a god awful review, thinking it was your swan song. As Michael Douglas once so eloquently stated in "The Ghost and The Darkness," "They got a saying in prizefightin'. Everyone's got a plan until they've been knocked down. Well,my friend, you've just been knocked down, the getting up is up to you." I know that you've got it in you to turn out some better product.

  • March 22, 2002, 1:12 p.m. CST

    i agree, don

    by VincentSpain

    maybe The 13th Warrior...that was a good movie with bad motherfuckers

  • March 22, 2002, 2:54 p.m. CST

    The difference between "squirm" and "vomit"

    by Veidt

    The only phobia Harry ignited with his Blade II review is the phobia most people have about grotesquely overweight adult virgins getting graphic about sex. It's ridiculous, embarrassing and not the least bit fun to think about.

  • March 22, 2002, 7:23 p.m. CST

    Re: kinch...

    by PattyOGreen

    Fuck off. Seriously. You are making me quite angered. I happen to know the Quintster in real life, and trust me... I'm almost positive you couldn't do this job any better. Not only that, but I don't see you trying. All you do is bitch, bitch, bitch, throw mud, and bitch some more. And Quint did graduate from high school back in '99. The book is just not up-to-date, with the exception of Tarantino's foreward. So the man doesn't go and use elaborate catchy phrases? OH, SCHNAP! Damn... someone that might actually have a life doesn't spend 7 hours writing his review... damn him for just getting his point across and not kowtowing to all you talkback asses. Let's see you get your review of the film posted on here... or any other major movie news site. (God... sorry for being so hostile in front of all you kinder folks, but I really get sick of people abusing their interntet-based annonymity and bashing good souls who they don't even know in real life. Chreeist.)

  • March 22, 2002, 10:44 p.m. CST

    worst theatrical CG work in the history of film

    by kid_ego

    ...Mortal Kombat...'nuff said.

  • March 23, 2002, 11:43 a.m. CST

    about Whistler

    by TheAtarisFan

    Of course he didn't die in the first one. A gunshot to the head doesn't kill a vampire, fool. By the way, Blade 2 is much better than the first one. -Hail Cthulhu-

  • March 23, 2002, 7:39 p.m. CST

    Comparison to Aliens == BLASPHEMY!

    by Frank__Mackey

    Now let me say that I thought this movie totally kicked ass. Lots of action, good use of CG and a great cast. That being said, this movie is still nowhere near as powerful as the LEGENDARY Alien sequel, and as a fan of that movie I am getting tired of the ASS-KISSING COMPARISONS to it. Just say its good. Because it is. But don't RAPE the reputation of probably the greatest sci-fi/action movie ever made just to promote this film. You are doing a great disservice to the fans, and let me say that this boy who cried wolf hypeing nonsense you are using for this film could severly hurt the credibility of reviews on this site. (at least to me anyways) Oh, and just out of curiosity, Harry, how much did New Line pay you to hype this film? I'm starting to question your integrity after this fiasco.

  • March 24, 2002, 12:49 a.m. CST

    the movie was a letdown..

    by holoholojoe

    but the preview for SWEP2 was great on the big screen, man, that one shot of the clones along with the star destroyer (red sky one) was just fantastic...that was just a money shot! can't wait for that movie now. Jason X was funny as hell, i hope that movie tanks so we don't have jason XI or whatever they are gonna call it next. the murder by numbers looks lame also. changing lanes looks interesting although i really don't like BA except for his work in chasing amy. but the premise of the movie is quite interesting. all in all, when one goes into a talkback and instead of talking about the movie itslf, they talk about the preview, you can surmise that the movie pretty much sucked in some way..and sad to say, BLADE II was a letdown. the first one was just so much better, even with crappy CGI, and etc. and the biggest plot hole i STILL can't stomach is if the reapers were so afraid of lights, why don't blade just have some vampire human henchmens go down with him to those tunnels and shine lines on all of them? forget the bloodpack. hell, just give a big ass fog light to blade and have him shine it at the reapers..end of story...

  • March 24, 2002, 3:17 a.m. CST

    Not a letdown

    by GimliMcGimpy

    On the contrary, I do not share the opinion of the last guy. Plot holes be damned, it was a helluva lot more interesting and fun than the first one. Hell, the first one put me to sleep on the couch - this one got my blood pumping. The CG was more noticable at the theater I saw it in that had the brighter bulbs, and that was not top-notch, but I blame that on New Line pushing the date from Summer to Spring, not to anything else. Looked better than the Blue Fairy in AI, at least. Overall, great mindless fun, and a great badass film. Leave your brain at the door and have some fun. You won't find the meaning of life itself in this film, so if you're looking for it, don't see it.

  • March 24, 2002, 7:23 a.m. CST

    Blade II - another little sheepish CGI movie following the soull

    by BrashHulk

    Del Toro has fallen under the same spell that most sci-fi/fantasy/horror genre screenwriters/directors/producers have these days, and that's letting the damnable abomination that is ULTRA-HEAVY CGI spoil the movie's suspension of disbelief. If they would just let the story be told with half the unpleasantly jarring and mediocre special effects (that aren't very special at all), then I for one would enjoy the movie much, much more. It just wasn't fun to watch a bunch of animated pixels killing each other. Besides, why do they spend umpteen millions of dollars on bad CGI FX when they won't spend a couple thousand bucks to buy some realistic-looking FAKE BLOOD! I mean, it's only a freakin' VAMPIRE movie, right? Why splurge on something like realistic fake blood, right? You know - the kind that's OPAQUE RED and not TRANSLUCENT RED? After awhile, it got kind of embarrassing sitting there in the theater in an uncomfortable, dead silence. There were no shouts of "Woo-Hoo!" or "Yeah!" and when the movie was over, everyone just idly filed out without even a buzz in the air. It didn't even really feel like a movie - it was more like a 2-hour long advertisement for whatever CGI Digital Effects company did the computer imaging. What a glossy, stylish and totally worthless waste of time and money. A shame, really.

  • March 24, 2002, 7:59 a.m. CST

    the crowd

    by GimliMcGimpy

    Don't know where you fools live, but it seems everyone there is a party pooper. Both audiences I saw it with were quite vocal in their approval, cheering, clapping, freaking out at the correct moments. Oh - and I hear Del Toro wanted to make the action more comic-book-like than anything else. Well, that's how it seemed to be, and unfortunately he didn't have either the funding or the time to make it polished enough for you facists. Honestly, CGI isn't that great in any damn movie. I have yet to see one in a long time where there weren't at least a handful of shots that were done not-too-well by computers. It's just the times, and CG is a new toy. It'll all balance out again someday. The correct marriage of computer graphics and makeup effects and puppetry will come along... I do believe that much. Maybe even some glorious bastard will incorporate hand-painted matte paintings into films again. I miss those...

  • March 24, 2002, 11:03 a.m. CST

    Blade II was terrible

    by sanc_reunion

    The CGI wasn't altogether horrible, in fact, I thought it was used to great effect in a few shots - mostly when the camera was moving. The Blade/NissaNinja fight was laughable, though. Blade suddenly gained 6 inches in height and transformed into another comic superhero, Reed Richards. And YES IT WAS THE CG CRAPPINESS THAT DREW MY EYE TO IT. Stop being a bad-CGI/Blade 2 apologist, Shillman Quint. As for being "balls to the wall," WRONG. It is "balls to the wall" for the first 10 minutes, about 5 minutes in the middle and 15 at the end. At best. The rest is boring, repetitive garbage. And don't believe the hype, the characters are eminently forgettable, especially the oft-AICN reviewer-fellated Blood Pack, who are one-dimensional in the extreme and have little to no memorable dialogue. Why are you AICN studio lackeys comparing this film to Aliens? Try one of the Highlander sequels, that's better starting ground.