Cool News
PRINCESS X Bedevils Fox's EASTWICK!!
SPOILER ALERT !!
Lessee. “Lost in Oz” returns us to Emerald City years after Dorothy Gale’s return to Kansas. “Birds of Prey” returns us to Gotham City years after Bruce Wayne has hung up the cowl. The FoxNet pilot “Eastwick” returns us to Eastwick years after the witches have squeezed out their troika of satanic spawn.
I see no pattern!
The prolific “Princess X” appraises the pilot script for “Eastwick,” which may soon become the serial sequel to both the John Updike novel and that George Miller picture everyone seemed to enjoy.
X calls the lead characters “cookie-cutter whiny teens with no real goals or dreams.” Uh oh!
The prolific “Princess X” appraises the pilot script for “Eastwick,” which may soon become the serial sequel to both the John Updike novel and that George Miller picture everyone seemed to enjoy.
X calls the lead characters “cookie-cutter whiny teens with no real goals or dreams.” Uh oh!
“Eastwick”/Fox/Warner Bros.
If the Witches of Eastwick each had sons, what would they be like? Would they be normal teenagers? Would they have powers? Would their dad try to find them? Would anyone care? Fox and Warner Brothers thought someone might, apparently, so they’ve gone to some trouble to answer these questions and many more. Maybe I’m the rare bird, but I don’t feel a gaping hole where the “Witches of Eastwick” sequel should be. Nary a long night has seen me weep into my pillow over the lost fate of Jane, Sukie, and Alex. But I shall never have to weep now, for their fate has been revealed!
There’s this saying “tum tee tum…blood from a stone”, that just about fits the bill. The last thing I read that had this much exposition was “A Socio-Economic History of Medieval England”. At least that had a couple of whacking good plagues and whatnot. This script “Eastwick”, based on the novel by John Updike, has nothing that juicy. Written by Jon Cowan & Robert Rovner, it’s irritatingly repetitive, cliché and a tad cheesy. The one convenient bit about this pilot is the way everything is done three times so you can’t miss it.
Meet Adam: Adam is a handsome young 15-year-old jock celebrating his birthday. His mom Sukie is now the perfect suburban wife and mother (She made the cake, that’s how I know, see). All’s right with Adam’s world, except his just-friends status with the luscious Kelly. Oh, but did I mention that Kelly’s sort-of dating a more handsome but jerky jock named Bryce, who crashes this perfect party? Boy does that steam Adam, so much so that he and Bryce have a bit of a set-to. But before Adam can even sock him, Bryce flies backward into the pool. But I didn’t touch him, thinks Adam, how could that have happened? How indeed?
Meet Dakota: It’s his 15th birthday, and he’s down at the beach jammin’ on his guitar with some friends. He’s all grunge, see, unlike the aforementioned jock. Totally different. Totally. His mom is the way cool, (she gave him beer, that’s how I know, see) and still very hot Jane. A huge wave crashes on the shore, extinguishing the bonfire, sweeping Dakota’s guitar out into the briny depths. Give it back, shouts Dakota, and surprise surprise…..the guitar reappears. How did I do that, thinks Dakota. What’s up with this brew, thinks his friend.
Meet Simon: Got the drill yet? It’s Simon’s 15th birthday too, and his mom is Alex. Alex has been mysteriously summoned back to Eastwick from who-cares-where. (They’re celebrating Simon’s birthday in a crappy diner, that’s how I know, see). Simon is none too happy about being dragged to this one-Starbucks burg, but he’s a rotten egg anyway so no one listens to his whining. Simon’s the tough kid, the bad apple. Totally different than the other two. Totally. Simon stomps out of the diner, does a bit of woe-is-me-ing then smashes his fist into the building. At that moment, a glass jug shatters inside. How did I do that, thinks Simon. How indeed?
Okay, so the band is back together, and something is definitely in the air tonight. . There’s an incomprehensible exchange between Moms A,B, and C about the boys having power now, and the devil wanting back in on the action. Or something. Jack’s back. Oh wait, this is FOX, so maybe Jeremy Piven is back instead as Darryl Van Horne.
Meanwhile through the crack plot device of convenience, the boys have all met each other. (Simon was ogling luscious Kelly, Adam said I think not, and their fist-a-cuffs had them fall on top of Dakota, who was minding his own business reading). Although they couldn’t possibly be friends because of their separation on the social strata, they bond during detention over jerky Bryce. Passing Bryce’s shiny sports car on the way home, the boys are lured by the seductive call of lite rock. We must steal this car, Simon says, and after long moral struggle of exactly one second, they do. Joke’s on them, though, when the car now driving itself, heads straight for Eastwick Gulch. (Eastwick Gulch?....don’t ask, don’t ask) They dive from the car at the last minute, and it plummets over the edge and bursts into flame on the rocks below. Dude, they are so screwed!
Or maybe not. Cuz honey, Daddy’s home. Swish pan to Darryl Van Horne sitting (and thank god, not doing that sarcastic hand-clapping thing) on the hood of the now-unscathed sports car. “Whaaaaa?” say the boys. “Give your daddy a hug” says Darryl.
Each kid now has their own self-involved hissy fit scene about what a whore/liar their mother was. Never mind that they’ve just taken some weirdo’s word for it that they’re the gird of his loins. Okay, we get it. They want a father figure. (Except for Alex, who has a father and just wants luscious Kelly). Each kid also gets his own empowerment scene; Alex learns to fly, Dakota learns a scorchin’ riff, and Simon gets to zap someone in the ass with a toy wand.
Just as the kids are learning these heartfelt lessons (and don’t you worry, there’s enough how-dare-you-walk-into-my-life-ing to make everyone happy) the moms are hatching a plan to send Darryl back from whence he came. Not just hastily drawn two-dimensional characters, these witches still have strong powers. (yes, there is an oh-my-god-my-mom’s-a-witch scene, thanks for asking)
A couple more dorky bits follow involving limo drives to school (oh yeah, that’s sooo today’s modern teenager), somebody uses the words “da bomb” and “tight”, and we’re into the finish, thank god. Toothpicks are now keeping my eyes open, but the showdown turns into the best part of the script. The Witches have seduced and drugged Darryl and are in the middle of the ritual to send him to nowheresville when the kids burst in. Stop, they say. Yeah, says Darryl. No we can’t, say the moms. Stick a sock in it, says Darryl. You really are the devil, say the boys. Oh yeah, says Darryl. Now do me a favour and say the spell backwards in unison so I can get off this little ol’ table, says Darryl. Ummm, say the boys. That’s it, says Darryl, and he does the Large Marge on them, thereby guaranteeing that they’ll never say the spell to release devil Darryl. Nope, not after that little stunt. As a matter of fact, they’ll throw this here totem into the fire, and poof! No more Darryl. Kind of a funny, sassy ending, actually.
Spoiler:
Darryl’s got DSL from wherever he’s gone, and bad boy Simon’s in contact with him over the computer. Will Darryl return? Oh you betcha…..you betcha….. This is not over. Not by a long shot.
The pilot’s first and fatal flaw is in assuming we remember the film, at least enough to have some investment in the characters. Um…nope. Give us new ones, and make them special enough to draw us in. This could have been pretty cool, if treated as a completely self-reliant pilot. It’s a nice clean concept; three teenage boys find out the hard way their father is the devil, and he wants custody. It’s really difficult to winnow out exactly what the heck this pilot is about. There’s no motivation for anything that happens. There’s no explanation for things that are important (like why Jack …er….Darryl is back), and too much explanation for things that aren’t important and are obvious (like why the moms lied to their sons). The boys are not fleshed out at all, they’re cookie-cutter whiny teens with no real goals or dreams (smokin’ riffs not withstanding). Rather than have them work together to find each others strengths and weaknesses, the kids are each given separate scenes, which only serves to be annoyingly repetitive. Even setting Simon up at the end has no real resonance, because we still don’t know anything (or care) about him by that point.
I can’t guess what Fox is thinking with this. With three strong mom characters, and three self-involved teenagers, who’s the audience? Possible partner for Pasadena, if it should return? Friday night escapism? Hmmm…
“Eastwick” is being directed by Michael Robin (Popular). Updates on casting as they come in.
Princess X.
-
+ Expand All
-
Who actually wants to watch this show? Its come out way to late to bank on the movie success and there are already a ton of other, magic/fantasy/superhero type show out there with teens and 20-somethings for this to try and lure them away. This show won't last long and I'd be surprised if it went past one season, especially with Fox's recent track record of canceling shows so quickly.
-
So, the cast of charmed gets worried they are heading for cancelment. The three girls use second rate special effects to make themselves guys, and get some sexy moms, and a sassy daddy actor, and presto, they at least get another 13 episodes.
-
Feb 23, 2002 5:41:07 AM CST
You might want to watch at least the end of WoE before reviewing
by wungolioth
...that way you would have realized that the 3 women all had the boys by the end of the movie. So the script you read actually is a continuation, it is not a What If concept as you suggest. It also isn't totally inconceivable for Darryl to come back, he's watching the boys through the TV at the end of the film. It does sound as if they should explain the reasons better, or at least establish that the moms will be working together to find out why he came back and do what they can to prevent it from happening again.
-
Princess X, you had better find a decent show to review NOW or you'll wind up being a cursed figure on AICN. Try reviewing something that DOESN'T drip with disgusting teen-angst.
-
Princess X, you had better find a decent show to review NOW or you'll wind up being a cursed figure on AICN. Try reviewing something that DOESN'T drip with disgusting teen-angst.
-
Eastwick doesn't really grab me, but we'll see. Anyone have news on the new Twilight Zone series that UPN is planning? Let's admit, though, it's a good time to be a "genre" television fan...
-
Dear Princess:
You are a goddess. Your reviews are fabulous. I wish I had the money to hire you to rewrite everything I've ever written. I now check AICN every morning to see what you've gotten your hands on and reviewed for our pleasure. How are you getting your hands on these more than likely unreleased, very protected, locked in the vaults pilot scripts?
All hail the goddess Princess X!
Eternally grateful,
Popps -
Anyone remember that one? The "Witches of Eastwick" sitcom pilot on CBS? I think it was CBS. No laugh track, weird abstract landscapes visible through the windows of the witches' house. They meet Van Horne and discover their powers, but ultimately decide not to use them the way he wants. Ends with the promise of more wacky adventures. I swear I'm not making this up!
-
Or does every tv show's pilot script just inherently sound lame and contrived?
-
The bitch is in the execution, and this sounds like a by-the-numbers WB-style teen angst mess. A sequel about the three sons isn't nuts, it sounds a bit interesting really, but not if this is how they're going to do it. Princess X is right, you can't depend on people remembering the movie or the book. They were both made too long ago. For crying out loud, the kids that would star in this show would appeal to an audience that's too young to remember the source material! What good is that? Actually, I'm amazed this got picked up, it sounds too vague to be a series. Is this how desperate they are for name recognition in Hollywood? Shit, I should go out there. I THOUGHT of this show the last time I watched the fricking movie, so I bet I could make millions pitching show ideas like this one!
Readers Talkback
User Login
Top Talkbacks
- Whitney Houston 1963 - 2012 -- 325 total posts 322 posts
- New JUDGE DREDD post production footage pops up -- 106 total posts 106 posts
- HANNA's Saoirse Ronan to boss around seven little people -- 63 total posts 60 posts
- Does ‘SNL’ Rhyme With ‘Deschanel’?? Learn Which SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE Vet Hosts After Sexy Zooey!! -- 74 total posts 58 posts
- There's a STAR TREK video game that is going to lead into JJ's STAR TREK 2 apparently... -- 159 total posts 51 posts
- If the Behind the Scenes Pics of the Day drops her pen, pick it up, but don’t look at her legs or else it will be on your record. -- 47 total posts 41 posts
- AVENGERS enemy revealed as pink boardgame pieces... You might suffer some form of elation... SPOILERS!!! -- 161 total posts 34 posts
- To Commemorate The 3D Release Of STAR WARS EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE, George Lucas Wants You To Know...Greedo Shoots First!! -- 488 total posts 33 posts
- Friday Brings SWEEPS DAY NINE!! Gab Here About Tonight’s FRINGE!! Plus Einstein on TIM, Wiig On PORTLANDIA, MAHER, CLONE, GIFTED, GRIMM, SPARTACUS, SUPERNATURAL, GOLD RUSH And More!! -- 121 total posts 23 posts
- Here's The Red Band Trailer For Drafthouse Films' THE FP! -- 70 total posts 20 posts