Folks from time to time, a sad day comes. Today, for me, a sad day came. When I was a little kid, I'm talking ages 2-26, I formed crushes on Hollywood stars of yesteryear. Among the early ones were Shirley Temple, Ruby Keeler, Olivia De Havilland, Ginger Rogers, Esther Williams, Myrna Loy and Maureen O'Sullivan. I just found out that Maureen O'Sullivan passed away.
As a child (young boy) my whole belief system of how the male - female interaction should be was given to me by watching the Johnny Weissmuller TARZAN films. And in those early years the dialogue of "Me Tarzan You Jane," held up pretty dead on. I remember one conversation between myself and an elementary school day crush as going like this, "Me Harry, You Keilah!" In fact, this is still probably my most effective pick up line. It works about 1 out of a 1000 times, but hey, it's sticking to the method that works.
As I matured (has that actually happened?) I began noticing that Jane wasn't always in the treetops with Tarzan. The first time I noticed her outside of her animal skins was being terrorized by Lionel Barrymore in THE DEVIL DOLL. That scary ol banker that screwed up Harvey's best friend's Saving & Loan, was giving Jane a scary trip. I held my jaw still waiting for her to do her higher pitched Tarzan yell, or to give Cheetah the secret message to give to Tarzan to save her. It never happened.
Then around the time I was 4, I was at a convention in Houston, Tx. This was back when conventions were more than lame excuses for evil toy scum guys to jack the prices up, tenfold, on brand new toys, plus hit ya a couple a bucks to just enter the room. No, this was a time when Frank Frazetta art could be bought for $50 to an oil painting for a thousand. This was when original one sheets for KING KONG could be had for a hundred greenbacks. This was the time period where 72 hour film rooms showcasing movies of all genre in 16mm played non-stop. And this was the time period when guests like Red Ryder, Commander Cody, Spanky, Superman and Tarzan himself would appear for the entire 72 hours. At this one, Johnny Weismuller showed up, early on he met my parents in the bar. They got along famously, and me, I was looking from the knee up at a god. This was TARZAN. This wasn't a translucent image projected onto a screen, this was no processed tree with a printed image on it. No, this was TARZAN. And TARZAN liked me.
He volunteered to babysit me that weekend. He asked my parents what I did during the convention and they told him, I stayed in the film room for 72 hours. He thought that was a bit scary and volunteered to look after me with his lovely wife. Now, there I was a scant three feet off the ground staring up at TARZAN, telling my parents that he and JANE were going to look after me for the weekend. OH MY GOD, my 4 year old brain whirred, JANE IS GONNA BE MY BABYSITTER.
This is one of my clearest memories ever, he was wearing a greyish-bluish suit with a striped tie, kinda like the one he wore in TARZAN'S NEW YORK ADVENTURES. He and I got into the elevator, he held my hand as if I were Cheetah. OH MY GOD, CHEETAH'S GONNA BE UP THERE TOO!!! TARZAN NEVER GOES ANYWHERE WITHOUT CHEETAH!!! My missing tooth grin showed my eager anticipation.
On the seventh floor the elevator went 'Ding' and we got out. The carpet was tacky as could be, a weird geometric pattern that lulled 4 year olds into a trance. We entered his room and... HEY THAT'S NOT JANE!!! He introduced me to his wife, I instantly asked where Jane was, this being my first encounter with adultery and all. They explained to me that Jane was a woman named Maureen O'Sullivan, and how she lived far away, and was very happy. I asked why Tarzan didn't marry Jane, I was told because they found people they loved more. Now, to my 4 year old brain, these other people had to be amazing, because Tarzan and Jane were perfect together. So I asked Tarzan where Boy was. He told me Boy was all grown up now. Then he told me that in his next Tarzan movie, I could be Boy. My eyes lit up like world premiere search lights. Then I asked where Cheetah was. He said Cheetah was at home with Mrs. Cheetah. That was good I thought. And we spent the rest of the weekend talking about wrestling lions, tigers, gators, crocs and riding elephants, and swinging on vines and ya know being king of the jungle and all.
It was an amazing 3 days, but the one detail, the one thing that struck me all funny like was that Tarzan didn't marry Jane. He had to be crazy. I mean, the lady in the hotel room was nice and all, but Jane... oh my, Jane was cool. She devised all those cool kitchen gadgets, she taught Cheetah to do the dishes. She had a strangely alluring look, what with that two piece top and bottom, that covered areas that seemed a bit different than Tarzan's. In fact, I often wondered, why Tarzan didn't have a top, but Jane did. This confused me.
I watched my Tarzan movies over and over again. I remember the time that Jane was trapped in a cave and the lions were gonna get her, and she had to do the wood friction thing to start a fire. My dad later taught me that trick in Boy Scouts, but I first saw Jane do it. She was cool. She had a little girl's voice when she talked to Tarzan, she talked so that I could understand what she meant. She made me smile. So I always watched her during my life.
I remember being 9 or so when I first saw THE THIN MAN, and she hired Nick and Nora to go after her Dad, who was off inventing something. Now Nick and Nora made me laugh, but I was always concerned for Maureen. She also introduced me to Myrna, who in turn, introduced me to Fu Manchu Karloff-style. Then the same age I saw A DAY AT THE RACES with the Marx Brothers. That's the cool one with Dr Hugo Hackenbush tormenting that big ol gal, while Harpo flirted with Maureen. Harpo was my hero at the time, I even had a horn and a coat like him, and I often chased Coeds around the U.T. area and pinched their asses and made a honking sound. Thank god I gave up this habit, I'd be locked away for sure now. But what was cool was Maureen gave Harpo and Chico the time of day, she didn't just blow them off. If she could tolerate the Marx Brothers, I know she'd like me.
Around age 12 I fell in love with her. I saw this film called JUST IMAGINE. Now I've always been a sci-fi geek, and I've always loved musicals, and here was a 1930's art deco future world on 1980 with a singing Maureen O'Sullivan. She helped this guy who had been dead for 50 years get used to living in a whacked out future. Man, I wished 1980 looked like this. There was no big hair, and while I was turning on to Olivia Newton-John, Maureen "Jane" O'Sullivan had her beat about a billion to one. A deco world was what I wanted. The cruel world of same looking cars with sharp edges instead of the over-inflated look of the cars in JUST IMAGINE. Her voice reminded me of Ruby Keeler's, high pitched and waning. Someone who wasn't built for singing, like me, that just felt like singing. Wow, a musical sci-fi film. Cool. I wish I had a print of this on video today, I haven't seen it since 1983. That's the year my parents divorced and I went up North to Seymour. A desolate enviroment where tumbleweeds tumbled. I was kidnapped in my mind from my lovely enviroment.
That's when I saw THE TALL T on satellite tv. Now at the time I had no idea at all who this Elmore Leonard chap was, but this was a damn good western. It was about Randolph Scott (yeah the one they scream out in Blazing Saddles) trying to rescue Maureen from the evil clutches of Richard "Smaug" Boone and Henry "Drums of Fu Manchu" Silva. Now I had met Fu Manchu there, up in Dallas a couple of years after I met Tarzan, and he was real nice, not at all like Fu Manchu, but on screen he's menacing as hell. Maureen is older, she's getting on up there, this was shot in 1957 and even though she was older, she was as lovely as ever.
Then later still I watched her plead with Ray Milland (the guy who could see through people and tries to kill Jimmy Stewart's Rear Window doll) to not bury himself at work. She was teaching me that whomever I love is more important than that which brings in money. THE BIG CLOCK is a great film, and she is stunning in it. I remember one scene in particular where a desperate Ray Milland tells her that they are unemployed and penniless, and she tearfully with a smile says, "That's too good to be true!" That's the sort of woman I'm looking for, someone that sees light in darkness, has a smile when I am down, and can teach a chimpanzee to wash the dishes.
I still watch Maureen O'Sullivan. She's not dead, I have her all around me. In fact she's on my wall at the foot of my bed next to Fletcher Christian staring down Henry the VIIIth himself, and on the other side those wacky Marx Brothers are all huddled at a microphone. She's on my television right now, She's wearing her loin cloth, and she's clutching Tarzan, and they are swinging on a vine together through the greatest jungle of them all. She's not dead, she's merely free, free amongst the shadows and the lights that brighten the plain screens we all stare at.
Me Harry, She Is And Always Shall Be Our Jane...
