I am – Hercules!!

Big Ed Hurley. Albert Rosenfield. Leland Palmer. Donna Hayward. Dr. Jacoby. Benjamin Horne. Audrey Horne. Josie Packard. Pete Martell. Deputies Andy Brennan and Tommy “Hawk” Hill. Lucy Moran. Major Briggs. Shelly Johnson. Norma Jennings. Maddy Furguson. Nadine Hurley. The Log Lady. The One-Armed Man. The Man From Another Place. Tojamura. Windom Earle. Killer Bob. Annie Blackburn. FBI Regional Bureau Chief Gordon Cole. Sheriff Harry S. Truman. Special Agent Dale Cooper.

”Twin Peaks” is one of the ten best TV series ever aired. It may be one of the two best TV series ever aired. I have all the episodes on VHS with the original ABC promos. I’ve watched every episode at least a dozen times. “The X-Files” to me is, and always will be, one part “Twin Peaks” watered down with about nine parts “Mannix.” Eight years ago, I took the quasi-psychotic step of creating my own “phantom edit” of “Fire Walk With Me.”

“Peaks” only lasted two short, glorious seasons. About every eight episodes, co-creator David Lynch would co-write and direct a genius head-scratcher of an episode, and all the other writers would scramble through the next seven episodes to explain what happened in the David Lynch episode. The only time I ever sat down and wrote to a network to save a show, it was to save “Twin Peaks,” which was nearly as amazing with its Lynch-helmed final cliffhanger (“This is my fortunate day!”) as it was with its jaw-dropper of a pilot.

Most of us have to wait another five days to buy the first-season DVD. “WBeast,” a witty and insightful lad who has already seen it, was able to calm himself down enough to tell it on the mountains:

EIGHT REASONS TO VISIT YOUR LOCAL VIDEO RETAILER AND BUY THE "TWIN PEAKS SEASON ONE SPECIAL EDITION" DIGITAL VIDEO DISC. or

BUYER, WALK WITH ME –

THIS IS A POSITIVE REVIEW

1. You have never seen the Television Program “Twin Peaks.” As a matter of fact, you wonder what all the fuss is about. Accordingly, you are consumed with a sense of rejection, of being "left out" of the "fun." You stare at your modest "video library," wondering if there could be something more. Something else (somewhere else?). You live with loneliness, a sense that life could be filled with more meaning, more golden light, and that a well-timed purchase of a portable digital duplicate of a remastered issue of what some consider to be the most innovative and engrossing television series in the medium's history might, just might, bring just one shining ray of brilliance to what has, so far, been a foggy, aimless existence at best. If you are this person, then this DVD may be for you.

2. You are a "die hard" enthusiast of the Television Program "Twin Peaks," which aired originally on ABC from 1990 to 1991. If so, you will be enormously pleased by this edition. For the benefit of the home theater end user, the "great" people at Artisan Entertainment, Inc., this edition's distributor, have gone back and (at no small expense, I have heard) perfectly and digitally restored the entire run of the series' picture to a level that must be considered nothing short of flawless. Something called DTS Digital Surround Sound is in the mix. As is Dolby Digital Surround in its 5.1 and 2.0 iterations. Imagine, if you will, this TV show originally shot and posted and sound-mixed just yesterday with the best imaging and digital audio equipment available to the 21st century motion picture community and you'll maybe have an idea of how crisp, how clear, how definitive this restoration of "Twin Peaks" is. You can make out, in fine detail, the stitch work on, say, Kyle MacLachlan's suitjacket lapel. Or even the individually graying strands of Jack Nance's (r.i.p.) moustache. Oh, this crisp, clean image! If you are a Twin Peaks "die hard," I promise you, friend, Eric De Rae's (Leo Johnson) sweat-beaded brow will haunt your deepest slumbers. And forget about the coffee and cherry pie. You can "hear" how black the coffee is when it gets poured. Thank G_d for the pause button and 24-hour bakery delivery services! The "word" is that these DVDs are better-looking copies by several orders of magnitude to the masters that the ABC network has in their master vault, which is 20 meters under an amusement park in Kansas. (Technical note: This edition has been "pushed back" from its original "street" release date of Tuesday December 4, 2001 to Tuesday December 18, 2001.)

3. You have $59.98 (manufacturers suggested retail price of "TWIN PEAKS SEASON ONE SPECIAL EDITION") to spend on a gift for friends, loved ones, or, lacking either, yourself. Whether you are a "Twin Peaks fan" or "not," you will agree that this is a bargain price to pay for this handsomely manufactured 4-disc set. Each video disc contains two episodes, with the fourth disc containing episode seven plus the "special features." These special features are code-named "Tibet," just so you know. Each video disc is "overscreen painted" with an unforgettable scene from the show floating in a sea of azure that ultimately makes the mandatory copyright information printed on each disc far less obtrusive than it could be. But the rest of the packaging is equally lush. Laura Palmer's lovely, innocent face is seen both dead and alive by way of a magical packaging trick. A friendly, colorful brochure summarizes the events of the pilot episode. Rumor has it that the pilot was not included because Paramount, which has an arrangement with Spelling Television, of which Republic Pictures is a division and who controls the library rights, were being dicks. The package also has some nice shots of the "town" featured in the Television Program. These are spooky images that are also blueish in hue. You might remember reading something in Film Comment about "Twin Peaks" co-creator David Lynch's use of the color blue. You'll be happy to know that David Lynch himself is the credited director on one of the episodes in this set, number two.

4. You have heard about the "Women of Twin Peaks" and there's something about that phrase that strikes you. Lara Flynn Boyle, Sheryl Lee, Maadchen Amick, Grace Zabriski, the Log Lady: these ladies will surely give your "freeze frame finger" painful and inconvenient cramps for the weeks that follow your initial explorations into this DVD release. You’ll learn what it was like to work with these women via commentaries from the directors of each episode, except in the case of Lynch’s episode, in which case the series director of photography speaks.

5. You want to know how the One Armed Man lost his arm. Or precisely, how the actor who played the One Armed Man (a.k.a. Mike) lost his arm. In a "Directory to Twin Peaks" feature you can gain this knowledge, and so much more. Each of the show's major and minor personas is given his own "page" which outlines the character's relationship to others in the "Paeksiverse" in an interactive, cleverly designed fashion, as well as, in most cases, offering a "video post card" -- an intimate digitally-lensed look into the actor featured on the "page." For example, Sheryl Lee (and she still looks good) sits by her pool and tells a long story about her trip to Africa. Kyle MacLachlan discusses his early days as an actor and how he was discovered for the lead role of David Lynch's picture "Dune." Don Davis, who played the unctious e.t.-abductee Major Briggs, gives a tour of his workshop and home and shows off a bust of an indian chief he carved from wood.

6. You want to speak like The Man From Another Place. The actor Michael Anderson is featured in a short, three-part documentary that, while modestly produced, does go some way to explaining the long held "secrets" behind the speech of his signature character, The Man From Another Place, who turns up in Special Agent Dale Cooper's dreams from time to time. You can recognize Anderson in these sequences (including the Lynch-directed closer to episode number two) by his red suit and short stature, as well as his diamond-shaped head.

7.As an aspiring show business professional, you are wondering about the methods and motivations of TV “veteran” Mark Frost, who co-created “Twin Peaks.” He is interviewed via telephone on the DVD. You can listen to the full interview, and perhaps you can turn up the volume really loud and vacuum while you do. It’s a worthwhile interview, don’t get me wrong, but it doesn’t require you to be seated, per usual, in front of the TV. Perhaps you can record the interview on an audiocassette and listen to it during a workout at the gym. I know, I know, you’ve lost some weight, and you look really good, but now isn’t the time to get lazy.

8. At Christmas and other Holiday dinners you want to have an unconventional yet perfectly accurate answer when the inevitable “DVD of the Year” question comes up in insubstantial but well-meaning conversation. The “TWIN PEAKS SEASON ONE SPECIAL EDITION” is that answer.

ho ho ho

Will the absence of David Lynch on the commentary tracks prevent Hercules from purchasing this DVD?

It will not!!

For I am – Hercules!!

To order boxer shorts adorned with the image of a green, handicapable “Buffy” fanatic, click here.