I am – Hercules!

Season premieres tonight for three of the four Sunday-night Fox sitcoms: “King of the Hill,” “Malcolm in the Middle” and “The Simpsons.” No time for full reviews, but here's the short version:

KING OF THE HILL. The highlight tonight is without question the “King of the Hill” opener centering on Bobby Hill learning how to defend himself in a women’s self-defense class. Soon, he’s the toughest kid on campus, felling every bully with a decisive kick to the testes. Hank is at first thrilled at his son’s new reputation, then hilariously horrified when he learns his son has been violated the unwritten manly code of “no hitting below the belt.”

THE SIMPSONS. If you’re like Herc, you were much encouraged by the laugh-per-minute ratio of last Tuesday’s “Simpsons” Halloween special (Selma’s disconnection of the Brosnanbot’s self-destruct mechanism made for an instant classic), to say nothing of last season’s depiction of Bart’s Navy-sponsored brainwashing boy band. Tonight’s “Simpsons,” featuring a juvenile court judge with a penchant for creative sentencing (Jane Kaczmarek) was for Herc on par with many other recent “Simpsons” installments – which is to say he found it laugh-free and fairly tedious. All underscores how useless this show can be if sharp jokes aren’t flying in a fast and furious manner.

MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE. Faring only slightly better is the third-season premiere of “Malcolm,” which deals with a joint family vacation aboard a houseboat and Francis’ decision to flee military school for high-paying manual labor in Alaska. If payphones getting pulled off the wall and giant trophy cases falling on cadets is your idea of funny, this is your episode. Malcolm’s frustration at having to miss mingling with a boatload of bikini-clad cheerleaders builds nicely, however.

Herc’s rating for “King of the Hill” 6.1

***1/2

Herc’s rating for “The Simpsons” 13.1

**

Herc’s rating for “Malcolm in the Middle” 3.1

**1/2

The Hercules T. Strong Rating System:

• ***** better than we deserve
• **** better than most motion pictures
• *** actually worth your valuable time
• ** as horrible as most stuff on TV
• * makes you quietly pray for bulletins

I warn you not to defy me!! Mmm!! Cookies!!

I am – Hercules!!

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