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Quint looks at HEARTS OF ATLANTIS and ZOOLANDER
Hey folks, Harry here with our trusty seaman and his lastest squib of opinions, this time on ZOOLANDER and that HEARTS OF ATLANTIS flicks. Due to my wonderful incapacity I get to lay here, while he takes my pass and goes and sees movies and tells me about it. Joy. I'm so happy. So pleased. So envious. Actually it isn't too bad, there hasn't been much besides MEGIDDO that I have been hot to see. Here ya go....
Ahoy there, squirts. 'Tis I, world renowned and crusty seaman,
Quint, here to give you guys a little heads up on two of the big flicks
coming up in the very near future.
I'm going to start off by saying I'm huge, huge, huge Stephen King
fan. I've read every novel he's produced, including the Bachman books, read
all the short stories of his that I could get my salty paws on and seen just
about every Stephen King film or TV adaptation. So, you wouldn't believe how
stoked I was when I found out that they were making Hearts In Atlantis.
Hearts In Atlantis is not my favorite of the recent King books
(that would go to The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon), but the first story in the
novel was an amazing read. How happy I was when Anthony Hopkins signed on to
play that mysterious upstairs tenant who packs his things in paper sacks
when he travels. I was also ecstatic to learn that David Morse was involved
in some way, shape or form. All that, not to mention the fact that William
Goldman was the screenwriter.
Who would have thunk that all that talent would produce a
disappointing movie? I'm not going to go so far to say the movie sucked. It
didn't. The performances were great, especially young Anton Yelchin who
plays Bobby Garfield. He is the find of the film. Hopkins, for the most
part, isn't as intriguing to watch. Don't get me wrong. His performance was
far from being sub par, but I was hoping for a sense of wonder or magic with
the character and I didn't get it. I'm also not going to say the movie was
badly shot. The cinematography was beautiful. The framing was fine.
What's wrong with the movie is it never ultimately clicks. There's
never a moment that you're sucked into the story and become almost
personally involved in the goings on. I don't want to pin this on Goldman's
writing, but the script honestly came across as being about 2 drafts short
of perfection.
That's what's so aggravating about this film. As Maxwell Smart
would say, they missed it by THAT much. I mean, they had the talent, both in
front of and behind the camera, they had the material and they just couldn't
figure out how to make it gel.
Sure, being an avid King fan, that goes double for the Dark Tower
series, I was a little disappointed that they took out the references to the
Dark Tower. I figured they do so, but their explanation of who's after
Hopkins sticks out painfully like a pricked and sore thumb. I've read that
King himself likes the fact that they changed the Low Men into the CIA, but
it just didn't work for me. I would have much preferred they just kept it a
mystery and we never figure out who's after Ted. Let the people have
something to talk about after the movie. See what they can come up with.
I know people have raved about the movie and I'm glad that they
liked it. Hell, I would love nothing more than to be head over heels in love
with this film, but I just didn't connect with the picture. Is that the
film's fault or my own? I'll let you decide.
Next up is Zoolander. I saw this tonight with my girlfriend,
Auntie Meat, and the Indie Indie guy Massawyrm. I adore Ben Stiller, Owen
Wilson and Will Ferrell, so again I was super psyched to see this film even
though I had really no inkling of what it was about. I saw a trailer for it,
saw it was something about male supermodels and noticed that Will Ferrel's
hair was all kinds of fucked up.
To paraphrase Plan 9, this movie's stupid... stupid... STUPID! But
goddamn if it didn't make me laugh. I was astounded. There was absolutely no
substance in this film, but it still cracked me up. It is a very
unintelligent comedy, but it was intelligently made. What I mean is there
were only a few great comedic actors that could have made this movie work
and they got them.
The gist of the movie is it's about a brain-dead male superstar
supermodel named Zoolander who is tapped to be brainwashed by some
mysterious fashion designer hot shots to assassinate the Prime Minister of
Malaysia because he's about to abolish child labor in his country thus
putting these baddies out of business. Zoolander not only has to deal with
this, but he also has to deal with his 5 year long career slowing down and
the appearance of the next hot male supermodel, played with amazing charisma
and timing by Owen Wilson. Got the picture?
Will Ferrell and Owen Wilson steal this film. I cracked up just
about each time they came on-screen. Ben Stiller's Zoolander character hits
and misses, especially in the first half of the film. There are some great
hits, though. The Andy Dick cameo scene (a great dick joke scene by the
way... dick joke... Andy Dick... Coincidence? I think not!) comes to mind.
Now, there's a point about halfway into the film where I stopped
wanting the movie to be anything but a mindless comedy. I don't know if it
was me giving myself up to the picture and letting it take me wherever it
wanted it or if the movie just started hitting a lot more and missing a lot
less, but there's a big scene, a showdown scene, in the middle of the movie
that makes the movie click into place. The flick hit its stride with this
scene. You'll know it when you see it... if you see it.
This flick is also filled with an insane amount of celebrity
cameos. Some in small roles, some in bigger roles. If nothing else, this
movie is a fun one to play Spot the Celebrity with. There are 2 cameos in
the movie I want to note. One is Vince Vaughn's cameo. It's beautiful. He
doesn't say one word, but is in a few scenes. It cracked me up. I mean,
Vaughn usually plays the loudmouth who couldn't shut up to save his life.
Great subtle cameo there. Also of note is Billy Zane's cameo. I won't go
into any detail, but just look out for it. It's impossible to miss.
Also of note, Ben Stiller is a master comedian so he knows the
first two golden rules of making a scene funny and he implements them in
this film. Rule #1: The presence of a monkey. Rule #2: The presence of a
midget or group of midgets. I've always said that if you have a midget or a
monkey in your movie, it's automatically a 2 star film. They work that well.
I know I'll probably get some shit for it down below, but that's just
because they know it to be true, but don't want to acknowledge it.
At any rate, if you have an hesitation whatsoever in seeing a
movie driven by dick and fart jokes, then avoid this movie like the plague.
The movie isn't really about dick and fart jokes, but it's in that same
mindless fun vain. If you happen to like your movies like that, then by all
means go check this sucka out.
Well, squirts, I have to run. There's big game out there just
waiting for me to catch 'em... and kill 'em... and bring them before your
eyes. Keep yer periscopes aimed at the horizon, squirts, fer I got some
coolness coming to ya' very soon. 'Til that day, this is Quint bidding you
all a fond farewell and adieu.
-Quint
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+ Expand All
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I'm looking at Quint's review, but I'm still gonna have to check this out for myself. Nothing like seeing comedic genius Stiller(yes, he is one, and underappreciated at that) at work firsthand.
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This always cracks me up. Stiller is THE man.
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Has the world gone insane? What do you see that is funny about this skinny freak with bad hair and a huge schnozz?
And Quint's review! 'Stiller knows comedy! Rule #1 is you gotta have a monkey. Rule #2 is you gotta have a midget'
What talk is this? What are you saying? If I'm going to waste money on something mindless there better be something female attached to it. -
"You can read minds?!" That line cracks me up!! Guess what's funnier than that? People that scream FIRST when they're not!!!!HA HA HA! On a lighter note; how the heck did Ben end up with such a hot wife?/// I'm packin' Smacky!
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I saw the sneak preview for Hearts in Atlantis this past weekend, and I have to say that the movie did pull in the audience. It was one of the best movies I have seen all year, probably the best so far. It was amazing, and when the credits rolled, the whole audience applauded. That only happens when the movie is great right? I could be mistaken...but I seriously doubt that. They could have been clapping because it was finally over, but I think that the movie was better than just good. I'm out.
-Believer -
Harry mentions it at the top, but that's all I've seen about it on this site. I saw it last night and it's sweet! Starring Michael York as the Devil and MICHAEL BEIHN as a congressman/vice-president/president and the Devil's brother! Check out this snippet of dialogue: "He's like Hitler, but with attitude" Later, Beihn as the president says "The Lord taketh..." then a close-up shot of him cocking a hand-gun "The Lord taketh away." Seriously this movie was amazing. In the end God himself comes down and kills everyone that opposes the United States. Seriously. Go see it now.
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Who the fuck are you to tell Goldman that he needs to write two more drafts? Nearly every review by one of Harry's geeks or Harry himself, for anything other than a "graphic novel" adaptation for one of their favorite funny books, finds reason to say that the script needs work. Fuck you illiterate assholes. How many scripts have you ever written? How many movies have you ever made? If you want to keep whining about the scripts, then get a job as a fucking D-girl. Want to know why most American movies suck? It's because the script keeps being rewritten because some fucking child-director fresh out of film school or some fucking liberal-arts-major D-girl thinks the script is about two drafts short of perfection. What possible qualification do you have for making such an idiotic determination? How do you know that one more draft might not do it? How do you know that one less draft, or three less drafts, might have been utter perfection? Why not take the original script, which might have been a masterpiece, and have the fucking director shoot five or six or 12 fucking drafts. Better yet, why not hire ten directors and let them each shoot their vision, and then let the fucking DGA artibtrate who gets credit? But certainly the easiest path for all the Internet movie experts, who can't even utter a declarative fucking sentence, is to just blame the writer.
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I read the book, and it really sounds like Hearts In Atlantis sucks. Why put the CIA in it, the story was cool because it had all these refrences to the Dark Tower. And The Low Men where freaky because they where so supernatural, and you where never really sure what they where. The CIA are ultimatly just men, or women nothing freaky or supernatural about them, boring. I do imagine that Stephen King did like the CIA thing. Because it appealled to his hippie-the-governments-always-out-to-get-you side.
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Is it just me or does Ben Stiller have freakishly large feet?
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Midgets and monkeys are good, but I personally love the Jim Henson theory on how to successfully end a comedy scene or sketch: 1) The big creature eats the little creature; 2) Send in a bunch of penguins; or 3) Everything explodes.
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I won tickets to see it via my local paper, so at least I wasn't out $20. I was disappointed in this movie. I wanted to love it - hell, I wanted it to be another "Stand By Me", to which it has more than a passing resemblance. Unfortunately, it just didn't make it. I didn't care about any of the characters very much, and the bully just made me laugh. The kid who played him should've been made to watch "Stand By Me" ten times to see how a pro (Keifer Sutherland) plays a bully in a Stephen King movie. He ROCKED. Pity ... we won't be seeing any Oscar noms for this one, folks.
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QUICK MINOR SPOILERS (YET STILL SPOILERS) MAY APPEAR BELOW) it's a lot worse than Quint says, if you ask me. the overuse of slow motion at every single (somewhat) important turn of the movie was insulting and idiotic. the depiction of a world overrun by sinister evil was disgusting, lazy, and misguided. in my words, this movie is "despicably vile."
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another movie i've worked on where i had high hopes based on what i saw.....so much of what they shot is missing....it's actually scary. if you like riduclous repeated monatages set to tounge in cheek music and nothing else in between - you've found the perfect flick. No doubt a lot of talent....but where is it? i paid 5 bucks to see it, and it was worth it to kill the curiosity. However, anything more is obscene. Seriously have to doubt anyones reviewing prowess who praises this film.
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Don't go see Zoolander. This is quite possibly the worst "comedy" I have ever seen. I literally hate myself for wasting money on this tripe, and am disturbed beyond belief that not even Will Ferrell (or however it is spelled) could salvage even an iota of humor from this crap. Did they cut the humor out along with the WTC? If I can stop even one person from wasting my money on this godawful film, I'll feel as though I've done something with my life. I am so serious....
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Saw Zoolander on Sky Movies Box Office last night where it was advertised as an Austin Powers type film(Oh No!). Even Quint has a problem categorising this film..there are absolutely no fart jokes anywhere near it and the Monkey and Modget bits are throw aways. Zoolander is hard to categorise because it doesn't fall into normal film parameters. It starts off with a dim, self-centered but good hearted model whose career is on the wain and whose coal-miner father has disowned him because of his chosen career.In the end Derek Zoolander is still dim, self-centered and good-hearted...there has been no miraculous deus ex machina change in him per most film conventions. He has learnt nothing..because he is STUPID But he has won against the bad guys ..yeah !. In fact if I was to try and put this in a category with anything I'd go with the Pink Panther films...dim hero who triumphs. Zoolander could be a little subtle for some tastes...the humour is there but you just have to work at it. All in all I laughed a lot more at this than I did at the much vaunted Meet The Parents and as Actor,Director and Star Ben Stiller has much to be proud of. Highlights...the gasoline fight and the walk-off...8/10
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