BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLVES review

As many of you are aware I’ve been struck with a rather unfortunate time sucking back injury that has left me pretty much a home body for the past 3 weeks or so. I’m getting better, and used this as my excuse to seriously drop this stupid weight. Having a minor back problem, with this sort of weight is obscenely stupid, so… either the back has to go or the weight.

But basically this has meant in the short term being stuck in this house going nuts. About 4 nights ago I was beginning to hallucinate badly… It was the lack of Danishes and smoothies… The careful chemical mixture of Oreos and Peanut Butter that sustained my sanity taken from me leaving only a shred of the man I once was.

I stared at my keyboard realizing that it spelled quite clearly, "Go eat everything in the fridge!!! Now Cow!!!"

I rose to my shaky standing stance and began doing the Imhotep walk, when suddenly I was tripped by a hideous dwarf creature. At first my eyes darted about the room for Angus Scrimm, but it turns out this was not one of his squished beings, but rather the AICN spy known as Piotro Pinky, the eastern European dwarf man.

I stared upside down at the 2ft 2in Piotro, and as I began to giggle, I saw him raise a giant spiny boulder with plumes of green… oh wait, that’s a pineapple…..

And out I went, the tiny pricked bastard had knocked me out with citrus… the fruit.

I don’t know how long I was out, or if Piotro attacked me repeatedly with the pineapple, but I do know that when I came to I was wrapped in yarn staring at a movie screen. I recognized this theater, this was the Archa Theatre in Prague… What was I doing here? What had that evil dwarf planned for me?

Suddenly I heard him singing:

I screamed out, "STOP IT!!!!!"

That’s when the curtains pulled aside, the room went dark, dwarfish laughter filled the hall, when suddenly a beam of light shot through the darkness to reveal a P.O.V. shot of sweeping over lush green earth, between a canyon, till we catch sight of a woman, bloodied and bruised running for her life. Agony and despair upon her face. She falls, knocking her head on rocks, dazed trying to run, trying to climb atop some boulders, when an evil pit of hell growl comes from all around me (damn good sound at the Archa). Something has caught her off camera… she’s torn side to side, back and forward, slamming repeatedly into the boulder… blood, crunching of bones, popping of sinew and the unmistakable twisting of cartilage.

The scene recalls the opening of JAWS. Hopeless, unmistakably horrifying way to die. What the hell was I watching? What was this?

Suddenly we cut to a pair of Highway Men riding horseback in the rain, a woman and an old man being beaten within an inch of their lives by quarterstaff wielding peasants.

A man… strike that… A god dismounts unarmed. Serious eyes beneath tri-foil hats… 17th century Minuteman style hats…. Collars pulled up to right beneath those same all business eyes. A peasant asks who he is… IN FRENCH, English Subtitles clarify the statement… And suddenly it dawns on me.

LES PACTES DES LOUPS (aka BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLVES)

Oh my god! YES! YES! I’ve been dying to see this dang flick for months now.

I was ass-kicked out of my shocked stated when this Highwayman from Hell gut-kicks the first peasant about 10 feet back through the mud and rain, causing his quarterstaff to fly in the rainy air only to land in his outstretched hand.

Oh, I know those eyes, that’s Mark Dacascos, the same badass that kicked serious derrière in DRIVE. The one man assassin league from CRYING FREEMAN… And here he seemed to be some sort of Minuteman.

The fight was extraordinary. Superior action choreography, superior cinematography, absolutely superb rain work… this wasn’t a mere trickle, this was a downpour causing spiders of mud water to sprout from the ground with every drop. And amidst it all was Dacascos’ iconic highwayman kicking brutal ass.

This double opening tells the viewer two things…

First, the beast that kills is brutal, savage and inescapable.

Second, that the two men that have come to this province are also capable of being brutal, savage and inescapable.

Quickly after this opening I learn that Dacascos is not a Highwayman, but rather Mani, an Indian that befriended Grégoire de Fronsac, a French Naturalist whilst in the New World. Mani had had his entire tribe wiped out, and decided to travel this brave new world with Fronsac in his pursuit of all things nature. You see Fronsac is a Naturalist, who also served in a brutal war.

They have been sent by the king to help capture a beast, alleged to be a wolf, that has alluded local trappers and police and military… but it has killed repeatedly, nearly daily.

This was the set up. The set up for the most ass-kickingly cool film I’ve seen since… gosh, I don’t know when.

BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLVES is a miracle. Here we have a historical period horror political martial arts fantasy film that has a monster… One of my favorite monsters period.

This creature is a thing of motion, not of definition. It moves so you can’t see what it is. You know it is strong. You know that it is big. You know that you don’t want to be anywhere near it. And you know that it’s eye is very alive.

Now I have heard some people disparage BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLVES for the ‘Matrix-like’ fights. Ok you nimwitted barignasmacks, listen up. French Kickboxing was in existence at this time period. Quarterstaff fighting has been around in Europe for a damn long time by the 1700’s. And since we never once see one of those damn annoying (at this point) 360 shots… Well, there ya go, we ain’t got no damn Matrix here. This is period. The weaponry existed.

How anyone can look at this film and not be patently entertained throughout is beyond me. Here you have intelligent intrigue, a fascinating case of xenobiology, naked Monica Bellucci, the coolest Indian in the history of film, the most badass naturalist in the history of film, cool as hell claw weapon things, naked Monica Bellucci, incredible production design, creepy mystical mumbo jumbo, fantastic fight choreography, expert hatchet throwing, cool musket fighting, the coolest Indian in the history of film and a scary scary monster.

This is Mark Dacascos’ Star defining role. He was cool in CRYING FREEMAN, but that film was a bit slowly paced and a bit posy. Here, his Mani is a thing of legend. There is a moment towards the latter part of the film where Mani has to fight several peasant thugs, and it is so Frazetta… so primal… Mark’s charisma is so strong here.

This is a remarkable film. As cool as they come. I can not tell you enough how much I loved this film. Now, my worry about the film is this.

Does UNIVERSAL FOCUS know what they have here? Are they going to dub this film, did they not pay attention to how Sony handled CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON? This film could easily appeal to mass audiences. It screams coolness across the board. Now is this the second coming? No, this is a beautiful and unique snowflake. I’ve never seen anything remotely like this film before. The closest would be Tim Burton’s SLEEPY HOLLOW, but this film isn't weighted down with ironic humor or non-fleshed out characters. This film is complete.

Right now, UNIVERSAL FOCUS is planning on releasing the film only in New York and Los Angeles this year… COME ON!!! Release this Everywhere! This is a tremendously cool flick. Don’t drop the ball on it. This film deserves to be sold to its audience, which believe it or not, lives all over the United States right now.

As the end credits rolled and I started to rise from my seat, the dwarf hit me again, and I awoke in Austin with a hickey on my neck. Damn evil dwarf! But I love him too. Oh well, time for the spoon out of the freezer I suppose…