HIGHLANDER: ENDGAME review

Hey folks, Harry here... I just saw HIGHLANDER: ENDGAME. And this is where I say... HIGHLANDER sucks, has sucked and always will suck. Freaking bullmalarky. I hate the pretentious sense of self-importance, the consistently terribly choreographed fight scenes... the comatose Lambert and the addle minded assembly of retards with frigging metal sticks.

Just once, I'd pay good money to see a thousand playing card troops under the command of the Queen of HEarts, ordering... "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!!"

The first Highlander film had a modicum of potential... it was sort of like... with a real director and better actors and real action choreographers and better sets and less steam and water and night photography and a real sense of adventure... this might one day be a decent frackin adventure film. BUT that day will never come... and ya know what... let it die.

FIRST OFF.... You have these IMMORTALS that have been around for like hundreds of years... they all seem to have high school educations and have mediocre jobs. In the first film there was a passing attempt of cementing the HIGHLANDER game in reality... police investigations of beheaded rooftop ex-retards with metal sharp stick thingees.

Here though... Oh boy... They run around, there are no real people anymore... it's just... everywhere you go... look look... there be some fucking immortal. Well... shoot the bastard in the kneecaps, arms and hands... walk up and behead the idiot. I mean... for crying out loud... what's the damn problem... these are halfassed immortals anyway.

I mean... If you were around for 1000 years or so.... In the first 150... you might act like a regular dude... but once you got the idea that... well, your life was totally copulated... you would do one of two things.... KILL YOURSELF, or start setting yourself up as god on Earth. Anyone ever read DR DOOM's plans to rule earth? Anyone read any of the ol Dracula books? Anyone ever actually pay attention to Greek Mythology and what happened to those decadent farts?

Ok... So let's move on to the off with their heads, there can be only one scenario. Ok... So there are around a thousand badasses on planet Earth. (Though in the first film, I thought it got down to 3... ahem...) Now if person A kills person B... he absorbs some alleged power. What are these powers? Apparently, it's hostility and stupidity..... I mean... what if it was like... flight, power of creation, invisibility, water breathing... you know... x-ray vision, heat vision, super strength.... you know... POWER... or... even just their knowledge and experiences (phobias, inner demons and doubts) (NOTE: I'VE NEVER WATCHED A SINGLE EPISODE OF THE TV SERIES)... Other than a funky AEROSMITH rock concert and a shivering orgasm to end all orgasms... this Quickening bulldung seem mighty lame.

Now... I'm a bit harsh on this movie, franchise... whole turd pile, because I've seen a holy film. One of the greatest adventure mythological battle romance art films of all time... CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON... and I walked into this film wanting some modicum of decency, character, action, romance... etc. Instead I got terrible storytelling, shoddy editing... way too many close ups of actors looking blankly at one another... and one helluva a great EXORCIST Trailer.... and one great damn DRUNKENMASTER II trailer....

I know the director of this film. He is a very nice guy, and he was a bit rushed into directing a film with a terrible script... and I suppose with the cast and the script and the fast deadline for production... he managed to make a film that is at least not the abortions that were 2 and 3. BUT... even though it is the second best Highlander film... that... to me... is like saying... It's the second best MAJOR LEAGUE film..... The first one was entertaining... SOMEHOW it gathered a gigantic fanbase (which will now be coming after my head), but folks... This whole thing is like some sort of SOAP OPERA with Bad Swordfights and always has been.

Now... I could forgive the bad actors and the melodrama and all of that..... JUST GIVE ME GOOD FIGHT SCENES IN THIS THING. But Doug... I love ya bud, but those fight scenes were shite. I mean... remember when you emailed me... asked for advice, and I gave you a list of films to check out. THE SEA HAWK, THE THREE and FOUR MUSKETEERS (with Oliver Reed), THE ADVENTURES OF ROBIN HOOD, THE MARK OF ZORRO, THE ADVENTURES OF DON JUAN, THE DUELLIST, THE SHOGUN ASSASSIN films, THE CRIMSON PIRATE, the Gene Kelly THREE MUSKETEERS, CAPTAIN BLOOD, PRINCESS BRIDE? Remember when I asked you to take a look at musicals and how they shot LONG ONE TAKE SHOTS to exhibit the prowess of the performers? And I referenced Jackie Chan and Jet Li and Bruce Lee's action scenes for the very same reason?

Sure... it is incredibly hard to do those types of scenes... it requires massive training and dedication from your actors. AHEM... Notice I didn't say it requires 45 million in CGI work... I mentioned SWEAT AND BRUISE style work. You get one of the great fight choreographers... and work out scenes with them... show them the scenes you love from past films... and take the logical steps forward. I mean... ANG LEE... director of such action epics as SENSE AND SENSIBILITIES and the frolicing ICE STORM has just made the best kung fu action sword fight film I've ever seen... How'd he do that? Well he took care of the emotional resonance and let Woo-Ping Yuen work and train the actors to be action super gods. And it took FOREVER to shoot... but if memory serves that film is actually CHEAPER than this film and looks cooler than the mucking MATRIX! Sooooooooooo...... sigh.

Oh... and what exactly were the purposes of the Flashbacks? And my god, that was the worst villain in the long line of really bad villians (clancy brown is immune to this statement) in Highlander Films.

I wish there could be only one, but now there's been 4..... Dear Highlander God... let there be only 4.

ADDITIONAL COMMENTS: In the Talkbacks below, people asked me why I went to see HIGHLANDER: ENDGAME if I am not a fan of the HIGHLANDER series of films. Because... I know the director... he's been to parties at my house and the trailers and ShoWest footage I saw for this film looked good. Like I said, after watching the first HIGHLANDER, I felt with better writing, directing and casting and action choreography... that the kernal of genius buried in what could very well of been a great filmic mythology was completely wasted.... I was hoping that Doug and some of the new blood being used for this film might be able to pull off a miracle. Reviews had been mixed... I tend to like most genre films.... (for that matter according to you folks, I like everything)... Alas... Doug needs to search for far better material for his next outing. Needs to associate with stronger talent and stronger producers. The film wasn't incompetent... it just wasn't any good. It isn't the worst film of the year... not even in the bottom 10. It's just another crappy HIGHLANDER flick... pet peeve... that crappy as all get up MacLeod embossing on the sword... TERRIBLE... yeah right... that's a period sword... uh huh... sigh... Yup a real HIGHLANDER sword? Try ROB ROY...