HUMAN MEAT PIES: THE UNTOLD STORY - Night 1 of the Cannibal Film Festival

I often times get letters that are like this one below:

Harry,

I am a big fan of AICN. I just discovered it, and it is so refreshing to discover that I’m not alone in my love of film. Here in my small town I look around at others and feel like I’m the only one. Thanks for being there and creating a place where Freaks like me can be ‘one of us’.

Thanks again

Stunning Goddess

And ya know. It warms my heart to see letters like that. Folks that feel apart from society realizing that they are not alone.

But for all those letters, all that reassurance. I knew... I was still basically alone.

But then The Alamo Drafthouse was created by Tim and Kerri League. They came to my village called Austin and put together a culinary cinema castle and welcomed me in.

And still... I was alone.

It was at that one strange night at the 2nd QUENTIN TARANTINO FILM FESTIVAL, when I met Tom Joad and Annette Kellerman and we all admitted our lust for human flesh.

That’s right. Cannibalism.

Most people in the world still shun it. But it’s so good.

I remember my first bite.

Back in 1990, I was at the house of this girl I was dating. She was nice enough. I had met her in my Film History class and we dated for about 3 weeks when... it just happened.

We had been necking when suddenly she said, “Harry, please eat me.”

I was confused. What did she mean? That’s weird.

She could tell I was having trouble with the concept so she wiggled out of her pants, spread her legs, pointed between them and said, “Start, by licking right here.”

Well... Ok. I remember it clearly. I had always wondered what humans tasted like. Food is often on the mind. I did an exploratory lick. Then another. Then thoughts of that old Tootsie Pop commercial came to mind, and just as I went to lick the third time the thought hit.... It’s gonna take a billion licks to get through with her, so..... CHOMP!

She screamed... and it was a mess, but after about 10 minutes she quieted down. And I finished my meal, cleaned up and dropped the bones off at the local kennel, I drove home to tell Dad what happened. He smiled and told me the truth about where he and mom went on those rare occasions when I was left at home. He really is the greatest. Ever since I’ve been hooked on Cannibalism.

It’s getting harder and harder to get a good cannibal meal... but once I hooked up with Tom Joad and Annette Kellerman, they brought down several dishes from Oklahoma, and together we converted Quint, Johnny Wad, Captain Blood, Babyface Nelson, Sister Satan and various others. Robogeek still refuses... but then it violates one of his laws that Asimov programmed him with.

Through it all, we still didn’t have a social gathering place that... well... cooked our favorite dishes. We decided to approach Tim and Kerri. To our shock, we found that they too were cannibals. In fact, rumor has it that they moved to Austin to get away from some ugly typical anti-cannibal sentiment up in the American Northwest.

Together we all spoke about our communal shame for being cannibals. I mean... after all... it is just meat. Hell, it’s really really good meat. Alongside seal, it’s just about the best meat one could consume, and we don’t get much seal here in Austin. (However, my friends in New Zealand are quite lucky)

In these conversations, the prospect of ‘coming out of the kitchen’ so to say, was brought up. Through a festival celebrating the finer examples of Cannibal Film, while at the same time serving... PUBLICLY... dishes prepared with human tissue. Then it was dropped.

Or so I thought.

Suddenly, out of the blue, Tim announced the FIRST ANNUAL CANNIBAL FILM FESTIVAL. And there... in black and white in the newspaper were the words: SERVING REAL HUMAN FLESH!!!

I swear I cried. To my surprise, not only were we not burnt at the stake, but the Austin Chronicle and 101X (a radio station) co-sponsored the event. The newspapers and television stations ran with the festival. And suddenly the bumper sticker “I’m A Cannibal, And I Vote” was not stared at with horror.

Oh sure... All of Austin is not yet filled with Cannibals, most are still only consuming Cannabis, but it’s just three changed letters... We can do it. I believe in my dietary choice in life.

So it is, with great honor that I chronicle for you the FIRST ANNUAL CANNIBAL FILM FESTIVAL!!!

The first night of the festival was Thursday, September 9, 1999.

We had no idea how many would arrive. Curious cannibal virgins? Refined feasters of flesh? How many would come?

Folks, you have no idea of the size and strength of our Cannibal Nation. That’s right... the Cannibal Nation. Using this gathering, and demonstrated by the wonderful crowds at this event, we are looking to form a political action group for the preservation of the rights of cannibals around the world.

Imagine if you were told Hamburgers and French Fries were illegal. To us.. being told that Human Meat Pies can’t be served... well... It injures us. It downright gets us pissed off, and you don’t ever want to meet a pissed off Cannibal Horde, I’ll tell you that bit of advice for free.

Speaking of HUMAN MEAT PIES, that was the kickoff film of the festival... HUMAN MEAT PIES: THE UNTOLD STORY aka UNTOLD STORY: HUMAN MEAN ROAST PORK BUNS aka BA XIAN FAN DIAN ZHI REN ROU CHA SHAO BAO (1992)

Tim came out in his Pithe Helmet and native adorned Hawaiian shirt. He told the packed room of cannibals that you can not eat your neighbor. That all food had to be prepared by the able staff at the Drafthouse. If anyone so much as has a spontaneous flesh eating attack, “I will beat you, drag you to the kitchen, cook you and serve you. You have been warned.”

The crowd cheered. You would think people would understand. That they would... ‘Grok’ it. But sure enough, right after the CANNIBAL FEROX trailer... A man was stricken with the urge to feast upon LIVING HUMAN FLESH. Tim... and the cooks/bouncers/butchers of the Alamo Drafthouse peeled him off the innocent Cannibal... Beat the shit out of him. Put him on a stretcher/platter and hauled him off to the meat locker. Then re-warned folks a second time. The crowd cheered... as is natural when you realize that we were going to be getting FRESH MEAT!

As a cannibal, we are often stereotyped as being nerdy violent women hating monsters that try to force others to eat our cooking. This is simply ludicrous, but it does make for a good movie. I mean seriously... This is like a meat lover opening up a vegetarian restaurant where he tries to pass off chicken as tofu. Not bloody likely eh? Well, here in this film we have a monster of a man, who runs a restaurant that is supposed to be serving all types of good traditional Chinese and Japanese dishes... BUT... he is indeed serving a variety of Human dishes to unsuspecting regular folk.

To cannibals... this is a wrong. But... ya see the character doing this in the movie is not a cannibal. He is a Cannibal Chef... he prepares his dishes... but he does not eat his own food, therefore... he is not a cannibal... and really the people eating there could not be classified as cannibals since they are not aware of the food they are eating.

After all, if you slip some acid in the punch bowl and everyone in the room begins tripping, you wouldn’t say you were at a party with a bunch of druggies... right? Right.

So in reality, this is not a cannibal movie, but it does whet a cannibal’s appetite, and our group was very very happy for the menu on this night, that is for sure.

I had the Human Meat Pies... a delicious dish prepared much like BBQ PORK BUNS, but with human flesh instead of pork. Actually there is less calories in these than the regular pork ones. Tom Joad, Annette Kellerman and Sister Satan all dined on a fine dish of Cowboy Chili (with real cowboy). Boy was it spicy. I had to drown my burning tongue with some fine Coppola Wine to extinguish it. By the way... a good red wine is perfect with human flesh.

Father Geek dined upon a delicacy known as Pickled Brains... a bit of a dessert really. Serves 3 usually, and sure enough we couldn’t finish it, so Sister Satan had a styrofoam takeout box with leftovers to take home to her Cannibal Mate: Lobo.

Now... Back to the film and writing for you non-flesheaters. Folks... This film could very well disturb y’all for many reasons.

The violence is very intense and over the top. There is a scene where an entire family is killed that... well it reminded me of the scene in HENRY PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER, but... this family is larger... and meat cleaver killing is just... intense. As is death by genital ramming of chopsticks. Also... the killing of four young (ages 9 and younger) girls... well... it’s the sort of thing you turn from the screen to avoid having the images scar your mind forever.

So, let me warn you... this movie is not for the weak of heart or fainting crowd.

However, for genre fans it’s just a great movie. The intensity is earned. The police interrogation is actually... for me... the most horrifying. Believe me... avoid visiting Macau at all costs.

The acting is surprisingly wonderful. I had not seen this film before tonight and was expecting the worst, but Danny Lee (yes, the guy from THE KILLER), the eye-patch guy from HARD BOILED, and many others really do rule in this movie.

But the film really and truly belongs to Anthony Wong Chau-Sang who plays the accused cannibal Wong Chi Hang. This man just rocks in this film. He is immediately disturbing to even look at. He’s got an unhinged disturbed wacked out demeanor that just... Well... it’s a bit scary. Nah... it’s real scary.

But the cops... they are even scarier. When you see the torture they put him through at the Hospital... My god... you’ll be sick to your stomach. The water blisters on the back... My god... I have never seen anything like that in cinema in my life. It was fantastic.

Meanwhile, at every vile act the audience cheered. We are truly united.

There are still a couple of seats left for the enterprising cannibal that comes on up.... Next I’ll be writing about CANNIBAL FEROX... and Tonight (Saturday) we’ll be watching EATING RAOUL.

After the film we all left... stomachs full and minds lit afire by a fantastic flesh-consuming film.