LAKE PLACID review

Whew.... I just saw LAKE PLACID. Let me give you folks a little advice, this is the WORST GIANT ALLIGATOR MOVIE KNOWN TO MAN. It’s completely unscary and the cast... Whew... It’s a short little under 90 minute long film that is just... Well it’s a movie.

Now, listen real close to me. Listen to what I’m telling you, take it to heart like you’ve never taken anything I’ve ever said seriously in your life. Read that first paragraph 5 times. Memorize it. Say it outloud. You got it? Ok. Now, Go see the WORST GIANT ALLIGATOR MOVIE KNOWN TO MAN. Go as soon as you can. It is terrible. Whatever you do don’t hope for anything better than that, because you’ll only be disappointed. But go see this movie. Now stop reading this. Click the BACK button on your browser. Come back here after you have seen the movie and read what I have written after the following countdown. Do we understand each other? Good.

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Now go away God damn it. I told you to only come back AFTER you’ve seen the movie now scadaddle...

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Ok... Now you’ve seen the movie right? Don’t fucking lie to me man. I’m serious. If you haven’t seen it, go back to the top of the page, read that stuff and go see this piece of shit, cause I told you to. Ok? Good.

Alright, now I’ve thinned out all the liars, cheats and sneaks, and I’m talking to the shocked victims of LAKE PLACID. This little meeting we’re having here. This is our therapy group.

You are in a room. It’s a real nice comfortable room. The lights are dim, and a lot of people are sitting around in a circle. Everyone’s face is hidden in shadows. So there is no need to be ashamed. It’s alright. You’re anonymous. You can speak the truth here.

Some words get caught in your throat. Everyone is afraid to go first, so let me. That’s why I’m bathed in light. You can see me... face and all. My eyes are bloodshot. I look... as though I have a great weight I must get off of my chest. No, besides the fat clogging my veins and heart. I’m talking about an emotional weight.

You know what I’m talking about. That guilt that you’re feeling... The shame. I mean... It’s a giant alligator movie right?

Now that’s where we’re wrong. This is a Crocodile movie. Specifically a giant Chinese Crocodile movie about abnormal migration to the Black Lake up in Maine. You see, they were gonna call it Lake Placid, but apparently that name is taken. Alright?

Now... (sniffle) I have to just (sniffle) shoot straight with you in this room. I love you people. I mean... I can say anything here and you all will forgive me right? I mean. I can’t be the only one right?

THIS IS THE BEST GIANT CROCODILE LOOSE IN MAINE MOVIE EVER MADE!!!

And that comes from the heart maaaaan.... Now, please, give me a minute here.

(a minute passes)

Alright. is it just me, or did you also yelp with glee when Betty White said, “You’re a bunch of cocksuckers” or “Sheriff ShitFuck” or “This is the point where if I had a dick, I’d tell you to suck it!”

I mean. That WAS Betty White right? I did see them words coming out of her mouth didn’t I?

Ya know, I think it was the smart ass snobby humor that got me. Ya know, like that line...

“They conceal that information in a book”

Then there is the theme of disembodied heads constantly being flung at Bridget Fonda. That Sheriff dude, who was Mel Gibson’s buddy in BRAVEHEART... What’s his name? Brendan Gleeson. No... Not that girl from SECRETS & LIES goddamnit. You saw this fella in Boorman’s THE GENERAL.

Well, I loved that guy in this movie. I think you can’t really fault me for how I handled them folks up above. You know, them bastards that ain’t seen the movie. Ya know, I didn’t want to raise their expectations too high. I mean... After all... It is just a GIANT CROCODILE MOVIE.

Heh heh.... hee hee hee hee... Dead Moose. Hee hee... Fucking Bear. Hahahahahaa... Dumbshit Deputy... hahahahaha, hooohohohohooooo

And then there was Bridget Fonda. Is she like cute in this movie in that, “Hey, she’s cute” sorta way?

(And now, for the female readers, I’ll try to channel estrogen so I can speak for you. Thus breaking every law of nature)

“Gee girls, I sure wanted to just hit the sleeping bag with that Oliver Platt. I mean, he made me randy. I wish these seats had been vinyl this damn fabric seat... well I just left a spot”

(IT ISN'T WORKING... Must not find Platt arousing! Must fight estrogen levels... Can’t become LIBERACE! Aaaargh! MUSN’T LIKE CANDLABRAS!!!!! Aaaaaaaaaaah!)

Dude, like that chick was hot.

*Scratch nutsack.... Spit in spittoon*

WEEEELLLL NOW.... AHEM.... It ain’t like I’m sensitive about my masculinity or something.

I see one of you raising your hand. Yes? Speak up...

A person bathed in shadows out there on the outer rim of our circle. They stand up.

“Dr Knowles? You know that scene where that Sheriff fella walked into that trap of Oliver Platt’s? Well 2 or 3 folks walked over that same area and didn’t fall in there. I was jus..”

My friend. Just sit down.

*You see me walk over to this person. I take their hand. You can’t really make out the sex of the person*

Friend. You do realize this IS a GIANT CROCODILE MOVIE IN A LAKE UP IN MAINE DON’T YOU?

Alright. I hope that answers your question.

Now where was I? Ahhh yess. Ya know, I think we just need movies like this from time to time. Films that aren’t really self referential, but rather... They’re self aware. They know what genre they are in. I mean.

This movie here... Well, it’s one of them SPECIAL cases. Ya can’t just go around to everyone saying, “DUDE THIS MOVIE FUCKING ROCKS!!! I’VE SEEN IT 30 TIMES!!!!”

Why?

Because the men in white coats will get you. You’ll be in a room with down feather cushioned walls and floor. It’d be more comfortable than this room, but... They wouldn’t let you watch LAKE PLACID any more. They don’t understand.

That’s why we need to stay in these circles... Help each other with the emotional strain these movies put on us. I mean... Not everyone has the gift to enjoy a movie like this one.

Now I don’t know if we’re missing a chromosome or if we have an extra half dozen or so... But whatever it is, I liked this movie.

I can say that can’t I?

I Liked This Movie.

It’s not gonna rewrite the laws of man shining a blinding beacon into our souls and release some long forgotten repressed memory or guilt. But...

I LIKED THIS MOVIE.

Well... It’s your turn. You can speak now, I’ll move back into the shadows. I’ll sit down. I feel like I’ve been dominating things here today. But this is a group. This is our treatment. All of us must take part, that way we don’t go back to our houses or apartments or places of work and pick up the fire ax and just start hacking at them rotten non-getting it sonsabitches!

Well... That’s all I’m gonna say about THE GREATEST GIANT CROCODILE LOOSE IN A LAKE THAT AIN’T REALLY CALLED LAKE PLACID, BUT IS UP IN MAINE ALL THE SAME MOVIE EVER MADE!!!!