Glen here...
...with a big review of a big miniseries about one of the biggest stories of all time: Noah's Ark.
As much as I've tried, there's nothing I can really say to introduce this review, which is brought to us by CopRocker. This movie sounds - priceless. Really, very special.
Here's CopRocker's review:
CopRocker wrote:
CopRocker here, with a report on the highly-anticipated (or, rather, highly-advertised) NBC miniseries Noah's Ark, coming this Sunday. This movie puts the "God" in "Godawful piece of shit."
What's wrong with it?
From a Christian point of view, it plays so fast and loose with the Bible that it might as well be a parody. But it's not that funny, especially when it's trying to be. The writer is going for a sense of wonder mixed with whimsical moments.
Here, to give you an idea, are some of those whimsical moments. Be warned, this makes the movie sound more entertaining than it actually is:
1. James Coburn's character is a sort of carnival huckster selling goods from the back of a wagon, including "Marigold Wonder Mixture", for "medicinal purposes only" (kind of like Granny's Rheumatism Medicine from The Beverly Hillbillies); AFTER the flood, while the ark is floating around, he shows back up, on a boat and still selling his stuff. Noah takes a liking to the Wonder Mixture and orders two cases.
2. In a scene where the girlfriend of one of Noah's sons is about to be sacrificed to pagan gods, Noah calls on the Lord to help. The roof of the temple is torn open, and lightning bolts shoot down. The lightning narrowly misses one of the priests, who looks up and says (I swear to God), "Nyahh, ya missed me!"
3. The crew of the ark goes stir-crazy after months at sea. Noah wanders the ship with a parrot on his head; one of his sons takes to walking the deck in stilts; another son talks with a grapefruit.
The miniseries also mixes the stories of Noah and the totally unrelated story of Sodom and Gomorrah, making Noah a resident of Sodom and good buddy of Lot, played by F. Murray Abraham.
Lot in this version is a beligerant warrior, and is only spared because Noah warns him to get out of town, not because God has any fondness for him. Lot's wife, who turns into a statue of salt when she looks back at the destruction of Sodom, is played by Carol Kane.
God, who apparently saw Deep Impact and Armageddon, decides to blow up Sodom with a meteor shower. We have endless scenes of people running on fire; explosions; camels running on fire; explosions; rats running on fire; and explosions.
And I haven't even mentioned the scenes where Lot and a band of post-flood survivors on rickety boats try to invade the ark and take it over... (NBC Executive 1: "We need a big action scene for night two!" NBC Executive 2: "Ever seen Waterworld? It gives me an idea...")
Since this comes from the same people who brought us Gulliver's Travels, you could at least expect the special FX to be good, but nooooo... We have badly superimposed images, painfully obvious computer graphics, and stock footage aplenty (just watch for the scenes where the animals are heading toward the ark; you'll be surprised how close the Serengeti Plain is to Noah's homeland).
There was a brilliant, wickedly funny movie a few years ago called And God Spoke, about some incompetent filmmakers who tried to make a biblical epic, and it proved so bad they could only market it as a spoof; I kept thinking of that during this miniseries.
I can't wait to see what the fundamentalist watchdog groups are going to think of this. If Hindu groups protested the show Xena playing fast and loose with their religion, NBC should be at the center of a destruction-of-Sodom-like firestorm of controversy for bastardizing the Bible for light entertainment.
Glen again...
In case the above review has instilled you with a great sense of "I gotta see it to believe it!", Noah's Ark airs May 2 and 3 on NBC. The show's website can be accessed by CLICKING HERE.
God help us all...
