Seems like a whole lotta people were a wondering, “What happened to Harry on Sunday and Monday?” Cause, I sure as heck got a heaping steaming load of emails saying, “UPDATE YOU LAZY BASTARD!”

Well.... Ya see... doddily doooo doddily doooo doddily dooo.....

(Flashback to Sunday)

Ya see, this is Sunday, April 11th. And I’m in Kirby (my silver surfing pathfinder) with Father Geek a heading for San Antonio. Home of the Alamo, Birthplace of Father Geek, and the location for the current shooting on ALL THE PRETTY HORSES.

Now, the primary reason for heading south this Sunday morning, was to hit the LIVE OAK Convention Center and pick up some cool collector’s items. I wound up getting: a JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS 1-sheet, a MYSTERIOUS ISLAND 1-sheet, SOLDIER OF FORTUNE (it’s a Clark Gable movie) insert, a dozen tin litho mechanical Robots for Father Geek (he collects robots), and one of them dandy gigantic Japanese made NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS toys, the mayor to be specific.

This was the reason we were up here... but as fate happened it, Billy Bob Thornton’s assistant had called up.... oh... I think it was back last Thursday to see if I’d like to drive on down and check out the set of ALL THE PRETTY HORSES. I responded that I sure would.... I mean, hell.... there ain’t that much known about the film at this point. After A SIMPLE PLAN... well, hell... I will be sticking my nose in whatever ol Billy Bob’s up to. So I tell this assistant fella that I’d only be soooo happy to come on up, and I ask if Wednesday would be fine.

Turns out they’re shooting a love scene that day... and um... you know... The actors want as much privacy as possible. Ahem.

So I figure... well, I’m going to San Antonio on Sunday, “How about Monday?” And... that’s where we are.

Dad and I grabbed a hotel room (our tab, not theirs) in a downtown hotel looking out at the Riverwalk in glorious San Antonio. Ya know.... 2 blocks from here, ol John Wayne and Richard Widmark killed a whole buncha of Santa Ana’s men, when that school bus was on that hill off in the distance.

I’ve always loved San Antonio. Ya see, my grandparents live up here, and unfortunately... on this busy trip, I wasn’t going to get to stop by... which sorta blows, cause they are great company. Anyways... Dad and I are both on a diet (It’s because we’re fat ya see.) and well, the only time we can eat like a regular human, is if we are out of town. So anxious to eat real (non-rabbit) food, we hit the riverwalk (Texas’ version of Venice) and we come across this Italian place. One can’t really eat Italian when on a diet, so... we figure... Ahhhh, here’s our chance. Right? SO we go in. I order the chicken/spinach lasagna. Me, like Garfield, loves lasagna. Must be the orange hair.

Now... there is a reason. An actual important reason I tell you this seemingly innocent detail of my life. The reason is....

(Monday, April 12th, 0500 in the morning)

Sharp stabbing pains begin attacking my stomach. I sit up in agony amongst my covers and pillows. The only sound I hear is the deep resonating of Father Geek’s nasal passages sounding out like a fog horn upon shore warning sailors to steer clear. I grip my belly (it takes both arms dontcha know) and I make for the bathroom.

I see... I see the glory of a shiny tile floor. The bright fluorescent lights come to life blinding me. I lose site of the gleaming, sparkling porcelain receptacle of... that which lay in my stomach. The awful dwarf trapped inside by my MONSTRO-sized gullet stabbing at the intestinal walls with a dirk or a dagger.

I open my mouth to let the miniature Geppeto out, but instead flows a shallow mouthful of bile with a few floating rafts of pasta. I heave again only to see more pasta floatations and a few deposits of spinach. I sit on the edge of the bathtub.... for 45 minutes trying to get that friggin viscous puppetmaker out of my belly with his carving tools. Finally... one particularly violent up rush of heaving lets loose a gush of red meaty looking things.

My instant thoughts are.... “The bastard carved up my guts,” but in reality... it was... only... the tomato pieces.

I try to heave a couple more times, but he’s entrenched in me. Not willing to let go. It is now... 0700 hours in the A.M. and I wake up Father Geek. I plead with him to go... seek out the mystical pink ointment with which I can suffocate the bastard carver of children. He does.... and I did.

This is not how one wishes to wake up to go meet movie stars and the wunderfolks of film fantasies, but all the same... When I showed up on set... and I looked Billy Bob in the eye... the smell that came from my mouth was that of a fine vintage of Pepto... so... in turn... he gave me this quizzical look, which I saved in the mental lobes I hooked into my computer here.

But... I’m getting ahead of myself. In reality, I had eaten a mint by that point trying to disguise the foul scent of bile which had recently coated the ceiling, floor and walls of my mouth.

To begin the on-set coverage on ALL THE PRETTY HORSES, I first have to say we arrived at the location that they were shooting at... THE CADILLAC BAR in downtown San Antonio (off S. Flores if memory serves). Upon exiting our shiny silver pathfinder through the cosmos, we see a P.A. We knew what he was instantly. He was either that or a secret service agent expecting to be undercover on a beach. You see, he had on shorts and a shirt... good shoes, dark sunglasses and some sort of earpiece for receiving top secret reports in one ear. Since there was no beach... I assumed, he was to be the first obstacle between me and Billy Bob. I readied my gun.

As we approached I saw him grab his collar, tilt his head and say, “He’s here... there’s two of them.”

Hmmmmm.... Obviously in contact with the Commando Central Station, I relax the trigger back into place and decide to play nice. As to... you know... make the fella... at ease.

I state my name and reason for existence before him. He’s saying, “I know” before I even get finished with the name part. He then instructs us to cross the street and enter... THE CADILLAC BAR.

How to describe THE CADILLAC BAR? Well... First off, it’s one of them places in the world... that feels like stepping into the past... or at least a movie cool version of the past. As you walk in, you are immediately taken in by the chiseled stone walls and the wonderfully semi-rickety wooden floors. Upon rounding the corner, there was very little light. Just enough that you could see the dust particles floating in the air, fairly undisturbed by any movement. A hundred or so upside down wooden chairs laid atop a ton of tables all pushed up against the wall as if mopping had recently happened. The first people we saw, were a group of Mexicans (or at least they were playing Mexicans) outfitted in 1940’s clothes. They were... to put it mildly... cool looking.

This one fella’s hat was soooo gloriously beaten up that... well... ya know... it was a work of art. I love beaten up cowboy hats that look like... well they must be the guy’s favorite hat because he’s worn it for years, fell off of a couple of horses with it, hit some cows on the flanks with it. It serves as a signal from a far, an umbrella for the head and neck regions... and... it’s the first thing on the fellas head when he walks out the door.

In all... I’d say there were about a half dozen of these guys. There was one wearing this see-through tannish shirt with a bright white, albeit sweat stained, undershirt beneath which shone through for a fantastic bit of local flavor. Ol Father Geek commented, “Yeah... Gramps used to wear shirts like that back in the late forties and early fifties when I was a kid.” Cool.

We were instructed to stay in a holding pattern in this part of the bar till the proper authorities verified our identities and we could cross the border between the reality of the CADILLAC BAR and the border to Cine-ville... the set!

We could make out a few bits here and there through the black tarps on the windows, mostly it was folks that were working setting up reflectors to bounce the lights and move the cameras. We saw the female versions of the fellas standing near us, all dressed and made to look forties-ish... and ya know. I just love the looks of 1940’s women. This group of fantastic forties femmes had their hair up in various pretzel shapes up about the backs of their necks.

Father Geek and I were... well... We could’ve been from the Forties... but only if we were mountain men from the Rockies on vacation in Hawaii wearing our newly acquired Hawaiian shirts... Dad’s featuring old ‘Woodies’ and palm trees and mine themed in blue with pounding surf and dudes with the boards to tame them.

I mention to Father Geek, “I wonder who’s shooting today? Robert Patrick? Henry Thomas? Bruce Dern? Matt Damon? Who?” and if to answer my question.... I see Matt Damon with a big ass gash on his cheek go walking through the bar and through the double doors to the patio where shooting is a going on.

Soon... this fella comes up to the two Waldoes in the room (FG and ME) and instructs us to play ‘Follow the Leader’ to the top man on the set... Billy Bob.

Well, at this point, I was vaguely curious as to why I was here. I mean... I did remember writing a pretty decent write up of A SIMPLE PLAN, but... Nobody invites ya to a set because of a review... after all... if somebody felt that strongly about a review... wouldn’t they of.. ya know just reached out with Ma Bell to just say, “Hi”?

Soon this chap comes a walking up to us... and I instantly recognize the guy as being a publicist. He’s the guy that’s gonna tell me what a fantastic set we are on, and how the movie is brilliant, and do I need any press releases or anything.... etc etc etc...

Well... I decide to let Father Geek talk to him, kinda steer my boat on around the reef and get to where them monitors were... cause that’s where the action is.

Father Geek has that vaguely betrayed look of abandonment upon his furled brow, and I am most definitely leaving him with the prison guard to make good my escape.

Next, I’m confronted with... The Assistant. He’s the fella I spoke to on the phone, and just over his shoulder is Henry Thomas sitting in his ‘hollywood chair’ with his name embroidered upon it. It looks like somebody went wacky with the ugly stick on his face what with all the black eyes and scabby looking marks upon that fella. Nothing to remind you of anything but “Oooooouch” when you looked at Henry Thomas.

The Assistant looks at me and was saying a buncha stuff about... well what a great set this is, and how it’s really laid back, and how quickly everything is moving along... you know... the standard... Assistant comments upon initial contact. Usually these folks loosen up after they realize that I’m not there for the soundbytes, but rather... to pick up on how the film is being directed... how the actors are... what the look the film is going for is. You know... the real things that translate... Not anecdotes about what pranks were pulled on poor Mary Sue when blah blah slapped her on the ass and Billy Bob yelled, “Gimme some of that!” (Don’t worry Sony Legal... I’m happy to report that I hardly saw any of that kind of behavior on this set... and what of it that I did say resulted in brief slaps on the cheeks and such)

Well, I saw Billy Bob heading my way, so I began to calibrate the change in viewing from The Assistant to Billy Bob.

I didn’t really want to come across as the idiot fanboy that I am by saying, “You were fucking robbed at the OSCARS this year, cause your character was just about the most goddamned brilliant supporting role I’ve seen in years. Coburn couldn’t act the part of an ingrown hair upon your ass if the acting fee was $20 million. I say we shoot the voters responsible and pronounce you the winner in a shocking readjustment of the votes!”

So, instead I let him talk. Turns out that he noticed me at his SXSW panel he did, and he wanted to talk with me there, but that the crowd was.. well not going along with what he wanted so he was awfully glad I could make it down to the set.

Ok... first off... I have to go into this, but it’s just really odd to see Billy Bob with blonde hair. Initially I figured it was probably for some role... but... well, he’s just directing this film and doesn’t have a role of any type in the movie... so... I guess he just likes it, and while it does look very cool... it just... well, I guess it would just take a while to get used to.

He begins going into how this whole directing thing is easy cause he’s got most of the same folks that worked with him on both SLINGBLADE and DADDY AND THEM and now this one. At this point my brain flashed upon the memory of Billy Bob at SXSW where he was telling the story about how he was trying to convince the folks at Sony that his DP, Barry Markowitz, was up for shooting cinemascope epic films... when he began describing how hard it was to light a small shed in SLING BLADE... compared to shooting the desert.... “shooting the desert is easy.... it’s already lit!” I remembered. I smiled and told Billy Bob what I had just remembered... to which he giggled. Ya see... this was a project that Sony wanted him to do, so he got them to basically make him be GOD on this movie. He’s got final EVERYTHING, and anytime they so much as whimpered about anything... he just points to the clause in his contract and tells them to get out of his way.

Personally... I love that sort of, “Eat shit you stuff shirted bastard” sort of tactics when it comes to dealing with suits... but ya kinda always have to have... you know... at least that clause in your contract which gives ya the right to say it. Otherwise... well, they can bend ya over a barrel and have atcha without so much as the KY (wink wink Toodles).

At this point, ol Billy Bob gestured at this tall ‘Hollywood chair’ over in front of the monitors and said that it was mine. Pointed at his assistant and said anything I wanted... well.. he’d be my slave. Well. I told Billy Bob, that I was fine... that I was recovering from an oral history this morning with a porcelain goddess this morning, to which he says, “I hear ya, I’ve been there before myself.”

I hung my Levi coat on the chair but... well I didn’t sit in it because... well to be honest, them chairs look so damn flimsy to me that I am 100% sure that the tremendous strain that my body would place on them would cause it to fly to pieces or at the very least creak like Noah’s Ark when them elephants came aboard.

I looked at the monitors and the first thing I noticed, perhaps it is pointing out some Freudian shortcomings on my part, was that Billy Bob had the biggest monitors I have ever seen on set before. I mean... you could watch a movie on these things ya know!?

Well, I sat there and looked at the monitors and noticed next that on one was a cinemascope shot of Matt Damon and the other had Henry Thomas... Strangely I never saw Henry get out of his chair and go over there... so I guess it was during one of my flashbacks of thought.

They were both sitting at the same table at a Mexican.... Bar/Restaurant looking place. Both were smoking, both had... well beaten up looking faces. And their looks... were tense. Like, well they had some serious shit to shoot ya know?

Now I must say that I am not that familiar with ALL THE PRETTY HORSES. I mean... I believe on the site, all we’ve had is a mention or two from Kiowa Scout... which more or less just mentioned that she didn’t know that much about the project and a one paragraph review that Kagemusha did a looooong time ago where he mentioned he didn’t like westerns and that he preferred SILENCE OF THE LAMBS over Ted Tally’s ALL THE PRETTY HORSES SCRIPT.

The film had shown up a couple of times in Variety and Hollywood Reporter.... I thought there was a pic in Entertainment Weekly a week or so ago, and I thought they thought that Gwyneth Paltrow was in this flick. BUT... she isn’t. Or... at least I don’t think so.

Well, before coming down to the set, I’d found out that it won the National Book Award back in 1992 and that it was a mythic poetic story about crossing a border and falling for some chick ya couldn’t have back in Forties Mexico. That’s simplifying it something fierce, but I figure someone that’s actually read the book will post somewhere down there in TALK BACK and prevent me from showing my ignorance while re-writing someone else’s summing up of the book. I’d rather you heard it from the, pardon the expression, horse’s mouth. If noone does... just go to Amazon.Com and check out the billion or so reviews of the book you’ll find there.

I decided to just sort of sit back and watch the scene and Billy Bob watch the scene. Now... He does something I haven’t noticed a director do before. He takes off his headphones from time to time to just focus on the physicality of the actors in the shot. Not letting whatever it is their voices are doing interfere with his judgement. Now I didn’t get into this with him, but I’m just willing to bet that he knows good and well that... they would probably be Looping these lines in Post anyways so... just focus on the physical acting here.

I must say, that as someone that has never had the headphones before (this set anyways) this is how I’ve always seen the monitors... completely without the sound of what was going on. But here he was choosing to hear it silently. And whenever something started to be done correctly... he would lean forward in his chair and begin nodding a couple of times. He was really focusing on those performances.

“Well Harry, how about you? Did you focus on the performances? What was going on, on the monitors, not in front of them?”

Ok, smart ass... Fine. Well, it was a long shot (physical length of time, not full bodies) and he (Billy Bob) was allowing the actors time between their line delivery to... take a drag on paper stick of tobacco or to spit upon the floor... perhaps take a sip of the coffee in front of them. Both Henry Thomas and Matt Damon had just been released from jail... or so I gathered. Neither one really expected to be living. But there seemed to be some task or goal ahead of them that they wished to accomplish.

Henry Thomas would let the smoke kinda just easily flow from his mouth, whereas Damon would blow it out quickly. Henry Thomas spoke out one side of his mouth... acting if the otherside hurt him. From time to time he was reaching up to his tongue to like... take out some dirt or something.

There was an exchanging of money, which took place off camera, as this was a pair of medium close ups and the table was basically just below camera I believe. Neither one of them looked Hollywoodish. They looked like a pair of guys that had spent some bad nights in a Mexican jail used as human buffers for a pair or two of boots.

There was about 5 takes before Billy Bob was happy, and between 3 and 4 Billy Bob came over and got up right there in my face and started talking about my review for A SIMPLE PLAN.

Now... this got me a bit fidgetty, cause honestly... it’s been a long time since I’ve read that review... and while I am still familiar with my adoration of the movie... I couldn’t quote a line from that review to save my life. But... well Billy Bob sure did. He just a went on praising the review and my writing skills and... I could just feel that ol skull of mine expanding like you just wouldn’t believe. But... I sure didn’t remember writing anything... GREAT... ya know. I mean.. there are some reviews I’m really quite proud of, but... well I never was quite happy feeling about that particular review.

Billy Bob was going on how it stays on top of his desk at home, and how he reads it all the time. And... I swear my cheeks went red for a reason other than my hypertension. Suddenly I understood how embarrassing it must be for actors when some fella comes up telling them they’re the greatest thing since WONDERBREAD. I mean... it did feel... good. It always feels good to be told your writing was appreciated.. but... Well shit, this fella wrote SLING BLADE... and by comparison I write like a two year old.... ok... a really really bright two year old, but you can tell I haven’t discovered to write between the lines yet.

Ok... Next thing I know the shot is done and they are moving the camera for the next pair of angles, when I see Matt Damon heading my way. I look to see where Dad is, and he’s talking to I believe the set medic if memory serves, and... well here’s all Private Ryan, Mr Will Hunting. He’s been directed by Gus Van Sant, John Dahl, Francis Ford Coppola, Don Bluth, Ed Zwick, Walter Hill, Tommy Lee Jones, Anthony Minghella, Kevin Smith and Steven Spielberg. That’s a pretty darn good cast of directors ya know? And then he’s got that damn coveted by everyone, including Bugs Bunny, the Oscar.

But.. when he came up to me... the thing most on my mind was... that gash on his cheek. I mean.. We ain’t talking about a scratch... I’m talking about a big... deep, dried blood gash. When that baby was cut... the blood did flow my friends. There ain’t no way it didn’t.

Upon real real close inspection I could tell... it was makeup (or at least my brain told me it had to be fake), and I was soon faced with the concept of... What the hell am I gonna talk to Matt Damon about?

I mean... I’ve liked him so far, I’ve thought his choices in film had been pretty darn smart... but really... What the hell do you talk with Matt Damon about. So... instead, we just shot the shit. For quite a long time we talked about Kubrick... turns out that the Production Designer on THE TALENTED MR RIPLEY, Roy Walker, had worked with Kubrick on THE SHINING as well as some early work on EYES WIDE SHUT (no... we didn’t go into that) and Matt started going into how meticulous Kubrick was about lighting scale models of the sets in preproduction. And how they had exact minature replicas of the hallways in the hotel in THE SHINING built... and that they.. Roy and Stanley would carefully light the miniatures, take a picture... Stanley would then send the photo down to be developed... look at the photo, then tweak the lights again, and so the process went. Apparently Kubrick had worked out some sort of mathmatical formula to take the info from the minature and ‘grow’ it into the real sets. And allegedly when Roy looked at the picture they had made of the model version... and he compared it to the physical reality of the full scale set... there was... no difference except that lil Danny was riding a BIG WHEEL around.

Now... ya see. That’s what I like about... just shooting the shit. If I had some sort of prepared BS question to ask Matt... I wouldn’t have gleamed a rather interesting bit of info about Stanley “God” Kubrick. We started talking about Stanley’s background as a still photographer... and how long photographers have taken to get single shots of either of us for some magazine piece. And then imagining them directing a film... and how the meticulousness is about equitable to Kubrick’s feature length version.

My basic impression of Matt is the same that I had with Ben Affleck on the ARMAGEDDON set visit. He’s just a regular guy that... well... loves to make movies and be a part of the process. He wanted to know everything I had heard about DOGMA cause he still hasn’t seen it, and he’s been wondering how it’s been being received by the test screening audiences. So I told him. We talked about Jerry Fallwell’s anti-DOGMA decree that... Jerry issued the day after Bob and Harvey announced the formation of a separate releasing company to let the film out with.

Around this time, Matt had to go do his job and get in front of the cameras, and ya know... I was kinda disappointed. I liked the conversation we had going. Ya know? I hate it when that happens though... You’re talking to someone, you’re in that groove... and the friggin cell phone rings to take them to another state of mind... it disrupts the flow and you’re left an ant unable to pick up the trail again.

Well... shooting resumed, and Billy Bob... Well, I was watching what he was doing, and he’s really helping his actors sculpt these performances. They’ll just finish the scene, right where the cameras would be told to CUT... but instead he says fairly softly, “Keep rolling,” then outloud to the actors, “start again.” Sure enough the next take or the second performance was... FAR better. Henry Thomas nailed it, Matt Nailed it, and that was the take. It took the two a bit to sync it together before beginning that shot the second time... it was a mental rewinding... but when they started again... it was fueled with just a touch of... oh... aggravation... and for that scene... that’s what they needed. It’s the keeper... you’ll see that shot later this year. I guarantee it.

After that.. Billy Bob decides he’s had enough of the ol Cadillac Bar... and tells everyone to head back to the studio. A change of locations if you will. Well... I can tell you. When I write up them details tomorrow... You should be pleased as punch... This thing here is nearly 5000 words... and my fingers are a bit sore and I need to edit up the other news for tonight. Here’s a pic of me and Matt to hold ya over till the next installment of my adventures on the set of ALL THE PRETTY HORSES...

Oh... by the way... He's in costume, and me... well... just remember... I started off this day with my head in the toilet... So if I look like shit... maybe I shoulda flushed eh? heh heh heh... BTW... usually, my face ain't as ya know... purplish and bruised looking. Damn digital camera and the set light... did weird shit... ahhhh hell... whom I fooling... I do look like a one eyed one horned flying purple people eater!