Here is a film that should have been a walk in the park. We had a great script, John McTiernan, Antonio Banderas (perfectly casted in his role) and Omar Shariff amongst a bunch of bad ass vikings... The film should have been a film to inspire legends of greatness... but instead... sort of the overwhelming word from up on high is.. That the movie still (despite reshoots and a director change) is nowhere near as good as it should have been. Personally I'm hoping that he doesn't know what he's talking about... But we'll see won't we. Till thin... here's another view...

"THIRTEENTH WARRIOR" aka 'EATERS OF THE DEAD" REVIEW BY BONDOSAN

Well, kids, I saw it and you know, I really enjoyed the book, but boy did this movie blow goats! First of all, the beautiful people at Touchstone were stringent about any outsiders seeing the film. It was at a foreign buyers screening and this was their private showing of the movie to the people that bought the overseas rights. "Gee, can I see the movie to find out if its any good before I buy it?", "NO, YOU MUST BUY IT FIRST, SIGHT UNSEEN! THEN YOU "WILL" SEE AND ENJOY IT OR ELSE!" "Mousechwitz" indeed!

Anyway, my buyer friend had a pass and invited me to the 9:00 am screening. Yes, that's right; A.M. as in morning. They let him in with no problem, but scrutinized me. Basically, it was ..."YOUR PASS, PLEASE! SOME QUESTIONS, PLEASE! YOU "WILL" ENJOY THE SHOW!" Uh, right, pal!.

The movie begins with a great CGI shot of Antonio Bandaras and a group of Vikings that looked like they just went through a hell of a battle, on a tiny boat with HUGE fifity foot waves crashing around them in the open sea as thunder and lightning crack in the skies. Impressive opening shot as the camera pulls back to the credits. Later on this scene is reused and loses its effect.

Recap of Bandaras as a Arab emissary who gets banished to a northern post for making goo-goo eyes at another diplomats future bride. He and his aide, portrayed by Omar Shariff in a very minor, wasted role for his talents, meet up with some Vikings which he wishes to make friends with. Another ship arrives with the son of a Viking chief that tells the tale of woe of evil beasts eating people and destroying their villages. A Viking witch forsees tweleve good men and one who isn't, sent to destroy this malevolent force. Guess who goes?

Half an hour into the film, the morning wake-up sequence is pretty gross. A bowl filled with water is passed around with the Vikings washing up, drinking and spitting back into it as its passed around. The best part is when one Viking blows his nose into the bowl. Sauted snot. Yummy. I thought I was going to blow chunks on the floor. No one ate their popcorn after that scene. Nice move on the theater concession sales, Touchstone!

The Vikings arrive and the first battle with the "creatures" is pretty cool. You never get to see what they look like and they're mean as hell. They also carry off their dead which makes it more mysterious. If they would have kept that theme all through the film, it would have been great. You finally see them and they look like actors portraying cannibals. You never really find out what these guys are. Cannibals, of course but, are they neaderthal's? American Indians? Their history is never explained except that they worship bears and live in a cave with their mountainous amount of bones and skulls from their canibalized enemies. The glow worm fire sequence coming down the hill is creepy and it has a nice build up for the second fight. Bandaras and the other actors portraying Vikings are good, but I feel as though I've seen all this before. Plus, you never really have time to care for any of the characters.

John McTiernen does a so-so job with directing. Pretty much, by-the-book, he could have phoned this one in. The script has swiss chese holes in the story. This movie has been on the shelf for a year and several editors tried to fix it. Rumor has is that this is going straight to cable. Another was based for an August '99 release. "Eaters of the Dead" was a much better title. They should have stayed with it. Save your dough, read the book.

BONDOSAN