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QUINT: When you were writing, were you always certain which characters you'd each play?

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: Ahh... no.

STEVE LEMME: Maybe the Landfill character we had a little idea who...

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: (laughs) We had a suspicion.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: (defensive) Why? Why the Landfill character?

STEVE LEMME: We needed the best actor to play that part.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: Yeah.

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: We waited until about draft 18 to cast it.

PAUL SOTER: We went back to SUPER TROOPERS method, which is what we did then. We wrote a bunch of drafts, then cast internally, then wrote a few more drafts.

STEVE LEMME: At the end there is where you add those little flourishes. Like you'll change a character named Barry McCormick to a character named Barry Badranath.

ERIK STOLHANSKE: Turned him into a man-whore.

PAUL SOTER: Yeah, a man-whore, like one week out (from shooting). That was a last minute, radical... I remember sitting there and having you say, "I have an idea... and it's radical." And I'm like, "Oh, boy." We're like, 10 days out, and I'm like, "Here's Lemme with his crazy ideas..."

STEVE LEMME: I was very shy about it.

PAUL SOTER: Barry was going to be a guy that worked at a Korean Carnival, setting up bottles for a game where you throw rocks at bottles. We wanted him to be at the lowest point in his life. We weren't getting very good feedback on that scene and we would have to build this Korean Carnival for this scene that we didn't know was that good and suddenly this guy came up with...

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: And there weren't a great deal of Korean actors in New Mexico. We had a gag where you could dunk a guy named Kim.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: It said, "Dunk Kim" (two words together sounds like "Dunk Him")

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: So, that's where that was goin'. (laughs)

STEVE LEMME: Then we went to man-whore.

PAUL SOTER: Then Lemme was like, "We could find him under a bridge sucking dicks for nickels." We were like, "It's easier to find a bridge... We'd save quit a bit of money..."

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: Lot's of bridges and nickels in New Mexico.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: Just set the camera up on Jay and let him go. Just feed him nickels all day.

QUINT: And it works for the character, too. He needs the nickels to stay up on his coin tricks.

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: (laughs) Yeah, there you go.

ERIK STOLHANSKE: Where do you think he got all those quarters he was throwin'? He earned those.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: Those are his. Those are hard earned quarters on that bar.

PAUL SOTER: How did we not make a joke about that?

ERIK STOLHANSKE: I watched that with my parents last night and they were sort of mini-gasping during some of that stuff.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: At the bridge?

ERIK STOLHANSKE: Yeah.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: Did your mom ask you what a ZJ was?

ERIK STOLHANSKE: She knew. She knew.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: Do you think they're ever going to stop being shocked by these things?

ERIK STOLHANSKE: Actually, my dad walked out. We watched the first half hour and he was like, "That was funny, the first half..." He said it sort of unconvincingly, but...

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: Did he leave after that?

ERIK STOLHANSKE: Well, we went to dinner... but the crowd was lovin' it!

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: Were they?

STEVE LEMME: We had a mishap in the middle. We showed the first reel and then it went from the first reel to the third reel.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: They assembled it out of order.

STEVE LEMME: So, we had to go upstairs into the booth and it was, like, an hour delay. Luckily, we gave away free beer.

QUINT: That helped, I'm sure.

STEVE LEMME: Oh yeah.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: The piss breaks were massive after that, though. People had been drinkin' for, like, 2 hours and everybody would just get up.

STEVE LEMME: When the 3rd reel finally started. Because people had already seen most of the 3rd reel already... there was a massive piss break. Everyone rushed out... and knocked over bottles. You could hear 'em crashing.

ERIK STOLHANSKE: There were broken bottles in there last night.

QUINT: So, now that the movie is done and you can look on the finished product, do any of you guys see characters you would have wanted to play?

STEVE LEMME: I would have liked to play the Baron. I could have gone for that. We had originally talked, for a while, about us playing the Germans... playing both parts. Dye our hair blond, blue contact lenses...

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: That would have been a nightmare. I mean... wow.

PAUL SOTER: But you would have been a delightful German.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: You would have.

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: I would have.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: In your white make-up, blue contact lenses, blond hair.

ERIK STOLHANSKE: Did you recognize these guys in their double parts?

QUINT: No. Where were you?

ERIK STOLHANSKE (pointing to Jay, Kevin and Steve): These three played doubles. When they go underground, on their way to Beerfest for the first time...

STEVE LEMME: There's the Cabaret guy...

ERIK STOLHANSKE: (pointing to Lemme) He's the Cabaret guy. (points to Jay) He's the blind Sikh. (Pointing to Kevin) And he's the woman shoving a leg into a grinder.

STEVE LEMME (to Heffernan): "Arrhhh!" That's your line. "Arhhh!"

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: No, it's "grause!"

ERIK STOLHANSKE: What does that mean?

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: Get the fuck outta here, you fucker... In German.

ERIK STOLHANSKE: Right, right.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: Loose translation.

STEVE LEMME (after a long pause): He's a method actor.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: It's true.

QUINT: The film looked like it was a lot of fun to make. What are your favorite memories of the filming?

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: I liked it when we filmed Jay and Mo'Nique. I liked that. She was just improv...

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: She was on fire.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: She was just throwin' shit out that... Every line she had was unscripted. She was just makin' it up as she went along. We were all at the video village when she said, "I wanna break your dick off!" and then she called him a "dirty motherfucker."

STEVE LEMME: It was dirtier than we wrote it.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: Delightful. Delightfully dirty.

PAUL SOTER: I like the scene where we brew the beer for the first time because that was one that we just started improvising lines...

QUINT: That scene felt a lot like SUPER TROOPERS to me. Just the delivery and the random phrases...

PAUL SOTER: Yeah. Lotta joy in that scene.

ERIK STOLHANSKE: I like the bicycle built for 5 because it was an accomplishment to do that. It's actually really hard. I was thinking we would maybe go down the red carpet at the premiere on a bicycle built for 5...

STEVE LEMME: If we could possibly do it.

ERIK STOLHANSKE: It's really hard to ride.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: We had great expectations... like we were going to ride that bike around the Warner Bros lot...

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: Every time we had a meeting we were going to get on that bike.

ERIK STOLHANSKE: We tried it. It's impossible.

PAUL SOTER: Terrifying.

STEVE LEMME: And when you're finally up... if one guy goes one way, then everybody tries to counterbalance, then everybody freaks out and the bike goes over.

ERIK STOLHANSKE: If it went down we would have had 5 broken legs... Trying to hold up 5 guys on one leg? Fuckin' forget it.

STEVE LEMME: The bisicksel... (stops himself) The bisicksel? The Bike Itself weighed, like, at least 100 pounds? 200 pounds? Then you put 5 guys on there. Really heavy.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: (Erik) rode it by yourself. That was okay.

ERIK STOLHANSKE: By yourself is okay... Maybe I should have ridden around alone on the Warner Bros lot.

STEVE LEMME: And looks sad, like you're missing your friends.

QUINT: So, how's the Greek film coming along? That still on the books?

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: Yeah. It depends on how we do on this one, but if it goes well we'll hopefully make it in the springtime.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: We just need to book the dough.

PAUL SOTER: Are they still making ROME?

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: The show ROME? Yeah, yeah.

STEVE LEMME: I think it's in its final season, though, right?

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: Well, they only had one season...

STEVE LEMME: "In the second, and final, season..."

QUINT: Go the British Comedy route... 2 seasons and then the special...

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: The Christmas Special... for ROME.

[Everybody laughs]

PAUL SOTER: But yeah. It'd be nice if that thing fell apart. We can have their sets.

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: We need their set.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: They must have a pretty serious party in ROME at Christmas-time, did they?

STEVE LEMME: Pretty good episode, though. With Caesar passing out gifts to family.

ERIK STOLHANSKE: Secret Santa!

QUINT: So what else do you guys have coming up. I know you signed a first look deal with Warner Bros, right?

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: Yeah, it's a 3 year deal with Warner Bros.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: We're going to squeeze in as many movies as possible in 3 years.

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: Before they pull the plug...

STEVE LEMME: We're trying to make a Kevin Heffernan movie.

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: Yeah, I think we might make a movie called THE BABY MAKER where (Heffernan) plays a former high school football player who is trying to have a baby with his wife. They try for a year and they can't have it. So, the doctor tells him his sperm is no good. He's like, "No... trust me. It's good." Then you find out that he had donated 20 batches of sperm 5 years ago. When he was buying his wife's ring, he needed a little extra money.

So, she's upset that he may have other kids out there... and that he bought her ring with beat-off money. He goes back to the sperm bank and says, "I need my sperm back." They say, "We have one sample (left), but we already sold it to another couple." He gets a group of friends together to go on a Sperm Bank heist.

QUINT: It's a men on a mission movie!

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: It's OCEAN'S 11... with sperm.

STEVE LEMME: It's a caper!

ERIK STOLHANSKE: It's a fertility comedy!

STEVE LEMME: It's written by the guys who wrote ICE AGE 2.

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: It's like ICE AGE 2, but dirty.

QUINT: So, instead of a character looking for nuts, it's a character looking for what's in the nuts?

[Everybody laughs]

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: It's a twist!

STEVE LEMME: I like that little character looking for the nuts... it's adorable. Just a guy lookin' for his nut.

QUINT: So, are you guys doing any other side projects or anything.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: We got a couple things. Paul wrote a movie called TAKE MY WIFE, which we're going to make at some point.

PAUL SOTER: I just wrapped a movie I just directed with Lucy Liu and Cillian Murphy (WATCHING THE DETECTIVES).

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: Lemme just sold a TV show.

STEVE LEMME: Yeah. Sold a TV show to Fox based on a very smart period of my life...

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: True story.

STEVE LEMME: True story. I married a Swedish girl for a green card. I was married to her for about 3 years. She left the country 2 weeks before getting her green card, so the whole thing was for naught... and it took us another 3 years to get a divorce.

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: I was the best man at his sham wedding.

STEVE LEMME: Here's what we did. We had a fake wedding party to take photos for the INS, so I was in a tuxedo and she was in a wedding gown. These guys showed up (gesturing to the rest of the Broken Lizard gang) with fake toasts.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: We mock speeched you.

STEVE LEMME: They did, like, the drunken best man speech where you talk about the ex-girlfriends... and she cried. And these guys got chastised by her.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: We did... but that's because some of your friends gave, like, real wedding speeches.

PAUL SOTER: Which was awkward.

STEVE LEMME: Very. "I always knew you two would get together. You'll be together forever."

ERIK STOLHANSKE: Who said that?

STEVE LEMME: Steiman, who's house it was. He saved his speech for the last.

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: It was idiotic. I wanted to kill him.

STEVE LEMME: It was a really good speech. After the bride was already in tears, he gave a real wedding speech.

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR (adopting a high-pitched Swedish accent): "Is this real now?"

KEVIN HEFFERNAN (donning the accent as well): "Make up your mind."

STEVE LEMME (accent as well): "You're making a mockery of this sham wedding..."

[everybody laughs]

PAUL SOTER: It's really a great, funny character. That's the good thing about doing a show like that. She was a funny person, a great character.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: What's the name of the Swedish girl in your script?

STEVE LEMME: Anika.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: Anika. Okay.

STEVE LEMME: But we got divorced. It was, like, a 3 year process that was kind of a nightmare. But I imagine her now showing up to get her share of the dough. Like, getting off the plane in a white fur coat and sunglasses... "I have come for my money, Stephen."

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: "I have come for what is mine!"

PAUL SOTER: "I supported you for 3 years in a sham marriage!"

STEVE LEMME: Oh, shit. It was a sham.

ERIK STOLHANSKE: You're lucky you didn't make any money in those 3 years.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: You're going to get arrested after all these interviews.

STEVE LEMME: Actually, 3 of the co-producers on the show are looking into legal protection for me. It's going to start coming out now...

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: Just make some sort of immunity deal. Give her up...

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: Sell her down the river...

PAUL SOTER: "You sold me down the river, Stephen..."

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: "I'll give you the Swede!" Then the Swedish mafia will come after you.

STEVE LEMME: Stuff me full of meatballs.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: Throw you out in the cold, out in the snow.

ERIK STOLHANSKE: Put a herring in your bed.

[Everybody laughs]

QUINT: What's the tour been like? I've heard it's been pretty hectic.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: There are worse jobs.

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: We get up at 5:45 every morning. We do lots of interviews, which is great, wonderful... then we go do the screening...

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: Then we go take on all the young gunslingers out there.

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: Then we take out all the young guys at beer pong. Meanwhile, you do about 7 or 8 shots, you do 4 or 5 full chugs... you can't say no because we've been telling people that was all real beer!

[everybody laughs]

So, we go to bed around 2 or 3am, unbelievably hammered, then wake up at 5:45.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: In Milwaukee these guys ran into a new never before seen device which was like a bicycle pump... it looked like a cake pastry thing... but with beer in it... They just stick it in your mouth and just shoot it down your throat.

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: A beer injection system.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: This kid shoved it in my face. I was like, "What the hell is that!?!?" I didn't know what the hell it was!! It was a bit like ROBOCOP, you know. You don't know what's going on. There was so many people around, so much stimuli going on and somebody comes out with this glass tube with beer in it... this thing on the end of it.

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: Are you the robot cop in that scenario?

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: No... it was just this futuristic thing... this apparatus I'd never seen before... This guy holds it out, it's like a beer and a half, and just walks up to your mouth and goes (makes a ramming gesture). Down your throat just like that. It's a beer funnel, but it's not like any beer funnel I've ever seen.

Although, Erik was a bit like ROBOCOP, but malfunctioning. Like, he lost control of his senses literally. He was trying to autograph a poster and couldn't get the pen on there... and lost sensation in his face and fingertips.

ERIK STOLHANSKE: Milwaukee came at us really hard. I mean, everything happened really fast. Within an hour Kevin and I both were like... we couldn't smell anymore, I couldn't hear, my sight's going, you know? Trying to sign things...

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: We'd go up on stage. The radio station was there and we'd make announcements from stage. I went up there to make some announcement and somebody threw me a pitcher, someone gave me a pitcher of beer and all the kids were like, "Chug it! Chug it!" They were chanting. And I started, then went "What the fuck am I doing?!?"

ERIK STOLHANSKE: Like halfway through he came to his senses.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: I did. I was like, "I'm not gonna fuckin' chug this!" "Boooooo! Wussy!"

ERIK STOLHANSKE: We had kids rush after us with glasses of Guinness. We'd walk in and they were like, "Chug a Guinness!"

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: We were outside the bar, going "Okay, go slow... save some space..." The moment you walk in someone walks in and gives you a Guinness. "Chug this!!!" You're like, "Jesus Christ!"

ERIK STOLHANSKE: Yeah, Milwaukee... They're pros. They drink some beer there.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: But you guys... was Philly pretty intense last night?

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: It was. It really was. It was just nonstop from the second we walked in to the second we left.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: Didn't really think about that when you wrote a beer movie, did you?

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: No. It's a death wish, this movie.

QUINT: You're probably not going to want to fulfill on the promise of the end of the movie...

STEVE LEMME: Potfest! Well, at least then you'd just pass out at the end...

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: Everybody wants Potfest, though.

PAUL SOTER: But we always had the promise of a Philly Cheesesteak at the end of the night. It was our carrot through all the shit last night.

JAY CHANDRASEKHAR: We got it. It was amazing!

PAUL SOTER: We drove to South Philly... the home of the cheesesteak...

STEVE LEMME: We were in DC at 7:15 in the morning and this radio DJ had contest winners come in and chug against Erik and I... at the crack of dawn. But the radio DJ wanted us to each chug 3 pints... because he didn't think one beer apiece would be exciting enough for the radio. So, we talked him down to 2 beers each. And he wouldn't drink with us. It's sort of like, you can't buy your friend a shot on his birthday without doing a shot with him, but the DJ wouldn't drink with us.

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: What the fuck is that?

STEVE LEMME: Luckily, we crushed those contest winners who came in.

ERIK STOLHASNKE: Then we beat 'em at pong that night.

STEVE LEMME: Yeah, they challenged us on the air to a big game of beer pong. There were like, 300 people surrounding us. It was pretty much like a cock-fight. We were in the middle of this ring and it came down to the last cup. Money's exchanging hands... to add insult to injury, the threat of execution if they lost...

KEVIN HEFFERNAN: Pink slips...

[everybody laughs]

And there is the end. Good God Almighty, that was a bear to transcribe, but a lot of fun. I had a great time taking part in that chat.

Last week I honestly needed the one two punch of BEERFEST and SNAKES ON A PLANE. My childhood dog and friend of 11 years, TJ, had to be put to sleep. On a Tuesday I did this interview, on the Wednesday morning the vet came over and I sat with my dog as he slipped away and on Thursday I saw SNAKES ON A PLANE. I haven't been able to be 100% distracted, but these two movies were both so fun and light that I was able to take my mind off both the impending hard morning and the loss of my dog. I'll miss you, buddy.

And that's it from me for the moment. I'm traveling to LA this weekend for something that's more than meets the eye. I still have tons of interviews to transcribe and adventures to talk about. 'Til then, this is Quint bidding you all a fond farewell and adieu.

-Quint
quint@aintitcool.com