At the Alamo Drafthouse South… greatest theater in the world… tonight at 10pm at the early screening of SNAKES ON A PLANE – we had mutherfucking snakes in the theater, mutherfucking snakes on our plates and mutherfucking snakes on the screen!

It was… exactly the night I wanted to have with this movie… the second I heard of the concept years and years ago. Back when it was going to star Bruce Campbell. But in theater 1 at the Alamo South – I’m pretty goddamn sure I got an unique experience. After the film, Quentin Tarantino and I started geeking out pretty hardcore and he said something to me that was so fucking true. “I’m definitely gonna have to see that again, because that screening could have been like that GODZILLA screening you had up in New York. That was fucking perfect!”

It was… a perfect night at the movies. EXACTLY the night I wanted to have with SNAKES ON A PLANE.

This film isn’t a movie for cold analysis. If you do, you’ll pick apart things like… well, I don’t fucking care. There’s crazy shit in this movie, the sort of shit that practical, logical and even sane people will fucking call bullshit on. But ya know what? The film is called SNAKES ON A PLANE. It is fucking ridiculous – but I paid to see fucking SNAKES ON A PLANE and that’s the movie we saw tonight.

Let me take you through the Drafthouse South – Theater 1 screening.

I got there about 45 minutes early… and the theater was fucking full. AWESOME! On the big screen was some of the “BLANKS ON A BLANK” short films playing. There were special SNAKES ON A PLANE menus with various items you could order. Like a bucket of SAMUEL JACKSON BADASS ALE.





They also had SNAKES ON A PLATE smothered in pecan sauce. CRABS ON A BOAT and various RATTLESNAKE CANYON wines. But… who the fuck drinks WINE at SNAKES ON A PLANE – you drink SAMUEL JACKSON BADASS ALE!!! Now that’s a tasty beverage!

Ok – before I ever went to the movie tonight – I primed my aviation attention with Jimmy Stewart’s THE SPIRIT OF ST. LOUIS. That’s one plane that couldn’t handle mutherfucking snakes, ya know what I’m saying?

I love that film, and had to leave the house soon as he was over Ireland… Isle of Snakes.

Anyway – back at the Drafthouse South. Father Geek and I arrived – having to hold Yoko’s seat – but as soon as I came in… I heard a distinctive laugh. I looked up in the seats and sure enough – Quentin Tarantino and his whole cast for DEATH PROOF! I didn’t see Snake Plissken – but Quentin said, “How fucking cool was it to see this with Snake Plissken?” - I could have heard that wrong – but… that would be very cool. I just saw Rosario Dawson and Zoe Bell.

Anyways, that was to be expected. Quentin is in town shooting DEATH PROOF – and there’s no way he isn’t going to see Sam’s new movie opening night. Hell – everybody cool in Austin was at the Alamo to see this fucker. We were all like a beaten bastard looking up at Clint Eastwood with a 44 Magnum… “Eyes gots to know” – ya know?

If this was to be a cult movie – there’s no better place to see it, than in the greatest cult theater actively kicking ass regularly in the world. Why is this theater so fucking great? Well… here’s the pre-show that the Alamo put on…

First – 3 crazy ass snake handlers came out… They had a giant plywood box loaded with about 15 or so Rattlesnakes… live – venomous – fanged. Sitting in front of me was a row of young girls… screaming, squirming and sitting on their feet – as they had rattlesnakes on the floor right in front of them. Me? I was behind the wall of hot young snake food. The snake handlers then each pinned a rattler behind the head – and let the girls kiss them… the guys pet them… and others – well others would just passively freeze and stare bug-eyed.

Yoko still wasn’t here – having to close her establishment of high couture. Then – they made one of the 3 sit on the floor up against the screen – and they covered his groin and legs with every rattlesnake they had. It was… awesome. But nothing. You see… the snake handler with the Malcolm McDowell derby… he decided that it was a good idea to stuff the tails of nine rattlesnakes in his mouth … I shit you not. This fucker was vomiting snakes… it was the freakiest goddamn thing I had ever seen. Reportedly he’s done this stunt on Jay Leno. But he was doing it for us… before SNAKES ON A PLANE. And they were not CG… these were real fucking snakes… fanging out – moving as they hung out this guy’s fucking gaping maw.

Then he began to spin.

SPIN. Like a fucking TOP.

The snakes began spreading out like some fucking H.P. Lovecraft goddamn nightmare in a fucking derby hat. The girls in front of me began freaking out. The Spock part of my brain began calculating his speed of rotation and the angle of ascent of … the top 4 snakes in his mouth… and he had reached the speed at which the snake would fly in my fucking face and bite my cheery cheeks.

Quentin was laughing – people were screaming at the snakes to bite him… and others wanted him to let them fly. FUCK THAT. They would eat my face.

Then he spit them back into the box.

But they were not done. At this point… Yoko arrived… missing the snake mouth thing. The handlers then bring a card table out into the center of the screen area. And an ominous masterlocked cooler. They open up the cooler… and they fucking pulled out a King Cobra!!!

A FUCKING KING COBRA was no less than 8 feet from my theater seat. These handlers had a fucking COBRA in our movie theater. I don’t know how to explain the sense of danger one feels – when a King Cobra is set loose on a card table 8 feet from you as 3 crazy men begin slapping the table.

Difference between a cobra and a rattlesnake. A rattlesnake basically just wants to hang out… be still… it doesn’t want to be fucked with… yet really doesn’t want to fuck with you if you’re just cool.

This fucking Cobra… It proactively wants to fucking kill everything around it. It’s fast. It moves with a purpose to kill. It strikes at shit. Like this guy’s fucking derby that he was taunting it with. He points out this part of the hat where the cobra was injecting its venom. LETHAL FUCKING VENOM. The audience was very attentive. YOKO was sitting on her feet – clutching herself with an incredibly – “WHY ARE THEY FUCKING WITH A COBRA” look on her face. It was awesome. I was fascinated. I’d never seen a cobra through open air. There was always really thick glass between me and the Cobras at the zoo. This… If one of the snake food girls in front of me ducked… the snake could bite me on me nose. And KILL ME.

After they kissed it, played with it – and basically made everyone really the fuck uncomfortable… they tossed the King Cobra into the cooler. And then proceeded to just shoot the shit. With the cobra in an open cooler… that wasn’t shut. My eyes were on the fucking cooler. Thing about deadly venomous snakes… know where they are – and be aware what they’re fucking doing.

Anyway… I was disturbed and enthralled. It was awesome.

After the Cobra was LOCKED UP – the handlers took their bows and applause and left the room – leaving us with the boxes of deadly venomous reptiles… in the theater for the movie.

The Drafthouse showed Chappelle’s SAMUEL JACKSON ALE bit – then AIRPORT 1975 theatrical trailer – BORAT and TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING and JACKASS 2 trailers.

Then… it was SNAKES ON A PLANE.

The audience was thrilled. Primed for this movie in a way… I have spent 1400 words describing. This isn’t an ordinary screening. How many places in the country could you sip on your Samuel Jackson Badass Ale while watching SNAKES ON A PLANE?

This was a specific event. Now if you live in this vicinity – they’ll be serving the Ale and the snake meals for pretty much the run of the film, I’d say… but opening night. These were the freaks. The folks that have been DYING to see this film. The ones that upon the first screening of the film, screamed in perfect synchronicity with Samuel L Jackson the immortal, “I want these Mutherfucking Snakes off this Mutherfucking Plane!” while giving the line a standing ovation! This was an audience – where during the brief quiet moments on the plane after the snakes hit the fan… would collectively make snake sounds – so that it sounded like snakes were everywhere in the theater.

Basically – this was an audience that paid to see this film not because they wanted to see how bad the film was – but because they wanted to fucking see SNAKES ON A PLANE! And that’s what we got. It was bliss.

I was so happy. So happy.

You see – this is a ridiculous movie. But one that is there for one single reason – to entertain you at all costs. You will see snakes bite every body part you’ve ever wanted to see a snake bite. You will see bloated fucked up corpses and wounds. You will see wounds cut open and beautiful women suck upon them. (which is totally not the right thing to do, btw) But who cares – these aren’t snakesperts – they’re fucking returning vacationers from Hawaii… and nobody fucking expects SNAKES ON A PLANE!

This is Sam Jackson’s movie. He doesn’t play it a fucking badass. Well, he kinda does. But there’s points in this movie – where the snakes really fucking unsettle his badass ass. When he shouts out the immortal line… it’s pretty much the straw that breaks his hump. He seriously has had it with mutherfucking snakes on his mutherfucking plane. And what he does after that line… is mutherfucking insane and awesome.

There’s only one character that survives that I wanted to see struck by snakes – but I guess you can kill all sorts of things… but there is one thing you can’t let the snakes chew on. Sigh. Wimps. Heh.

Now – everyone is so focused on Sam in advance – that a wonderful supporting cast may be ignored.

First off – there’s Julianna Margulies – who I’ve just always loved. She plays a great stewardess… of course all the stewardesses are great – especially the gay one with the mean “cooking skills” and sense of color. Heh. Then there’s David Koechner… and our audience was cool enough that there was applause when he first appeared on screen. The audience loves this guy. Koechner plays the co-pilot like an aging playboy pilot that hits on his stewardesses and expects them to buy it… but in a fun way. He rules in this film. Fucking awesome. The little dog is the best – and I’m so glad he makes it through the film. He reminded me of my own little dog and well… his cute bug eyes get ya, ya know?

The film is a ride. It is SNAKES ON A PLANE – and that does indeed rock.

Now here’s my warning for ya. If I were you and you want to see this movie in the best possible environment. See it with a fun evening audience with as many of your friends as you can muster. I haven’t a clue how this film plays in an early matinee. But with a packed house of people wanting a good time… it’s unreal. Quint wasn’t in the same screening as me, but he was in the same lobby afterwards looking like the happiest boy in school. He kept saying over and over again that he couldn’t believe that it lived up to the hype. He’s had a rough week, he needed SNAKES ON A PLANE.

With all the recent news about planes… we all need SNAKES ON A PLANE. And if the Airline industry was COOL AT ALL – they’d have special SNAKES ON A PLANE internationally flights – where you could see the film with turbulence. That’d be perfect!

My review isn’t what most of you will experience, but it was the experience tonight at the Alamo Drafthouse. And after the film – crowds stood around smoking their cigarettes after their post-cinematic coital experience – just jabbering about the film. Folks posing for photos with Quentin – who was clutching bottles of SAMUEL JACKSON BADASS ALE – and man – it was an awesome night. Great date flick – mine kept clutching my arm and hugging me closer… but then, snakes really bug Yoko… but not as bad as cockroaches. Heh.