[EDITOR'S NOTE: this post originally appeared as part of a longer article, HERE!]
Hola all. Massawyrm here.
Okay, so I know there’s quite a few of you out there that just plain hate the Massawyrm avatar. You know, my drawing. How do I know this? The letters. I get tons of letters. And I’m not the only one. Harry gets them. Merrick gets them. Even Father Geek gets them. Whether from pissed off Christians angry about the content or simply those not fond of the art, I’ve steadily gotten a couple of letters a month, every month, for my entire tenure here at AICN.
Hell, even when I was in the Gulag for almost three years, people searching through old reviews wrote me with their anger or distaste for it.
Some begged me to change it, some said they couldn’t trust my reviews because of it and sometimes, just sometimes, people asked that I be fired for it. But the one thing these letters all shared in common was the absolute certainty that it was all my idea and that I was happy with it just the way it was.And folks, I gotta tell ya – that just ain’t the case.
To make a long story short: Cartuna wasn’t doing avatars anymore, Harry had an idea he found funny and a roommate of mine (an underground comix artist) thought it would be neat to do in an underground comix style. But it was never meant to be permanent. It was supposed to be a placeholder until I could get a Cartuna. Sadly that never happened. And every time I’ve broached the subject with Herr Knowles, he just falls into fits of impish giggling. He likes that I get nasty letters. He finds it funny.
It’s not that I find the content offensive – I mean, I do. Of course it’s offensive, and it’s particularly offensive to me and my beliefs. But what kind of asshole would I be, taking shots at others like I do, if I couldn’t also laugh at myself and the beliefs I hold? Telling, or laughing at, offensive jokes means you should be able to take them as well. And I’m fine with that. No, I’m with the other folks – the one’s that think it’s time to retire the art.
Harry and I have actually been talking about this for almost a year now, but much more so in the last few days. Then yesterday, out of the blue, I got ANOTHER letter. Great, I thought opening it another one of these. But this one was different. For the first time in five years, someone actually put their money where their mouth is. This guy sent art. He was actually so annoyed with my avatar that he sat down and took the time to draw me a new one.
And it made me laugh. So I shared it with Harry and it made him laugh. This guy, alias Goo Boy, managed to take the old concept and make it far more offensive than it ever was. At least with my old one there was plausible deniability. It doesn’t imply that I’m Jesus, just that I look like the Americanized stereotypical image of Jesus. And that I ride a pogo stick that looks an awful lot like a cross. This one? Well, take a look for yourself. This one’s pretty fucking blatant.
Wow. Now there’s an image that will get me letters. That’s just old school, straight from the bottle sacrilege right there.
But it got Harry and I thinking. What if we asked you, the audience, to submit your own version of Massawyrm – and from those pick a new avatar? You guys have been bitching for years. Now it’s time to put the fuck up or shut the fuck up. Here’s your chance to make your mark on Ain’t it Cool News. Make me a Massawyrm.
So here’s the guidelines:
1) Christ Imagery. Not a requirement. That was simply one interpretation. Give me yours. If you’re offended by the idea of satirical Christ imagery, by all means do something very, very different.
2) Evoke the mood of AICN. Odds are this isn’t your first visit to the site. You pretty much know what we’re about and what the art around here is like. Make it feel like it belongs here - even if you think I don’t.
3) Make me laugh. While this isn’t mandatory, odds are the one Harry and I pick will be the one that makes us chuckle every time we look at it. Which directly leads to…
4) Do your best to do your worst. This isn’t about making me look cool. This is about having fun with me. Don’t be afraid to mercilessly rake me over the coals. I’m a big boy. I can take it. This one goes out to those of you who really have a bone to pick with me. Is there a movie I praised that you suffered through because of it? Was there a movie you made that I was a total asshole about? It’s payback time. Don’t think Cool, think Ain’t it Cool.
5) Try to nail how you perceive me. Whether you want to play on the name Massawyrm, or some of my old reviews, some long running talkback jokes or rumors about me, or even the old artwork – try to get that across with your art. Make something that screams This is Massawyrm. The above picture is a perfect example.
6) All submissions must be in by 11:59 P.M. CST, Monday August 7th. The goal is to have one chosen and ready to go by August 9th – the one-year anniversary of my return to AICN. If the screenings fall as they should, I’m hoping to have my brand new avatar appear on the review for, you know, that film with the snakes.
7) Send all submissions here, rather than my normal e-mail account. This will ensure that none of them get lost and I can hold on to any contact information.
Any submissions not sent to this address will simply be ignored.
Please submit them in .jpg format, and try to keep them at a reasonable file size. Make sure to include the name you’d like to be credited as so we can give credit where credit is due.
8) All decisions will be made by Harry and myself. But who are we kidding? Harry’s gonna make the final call.
For those of you curious whether or not I look like my avatar – I do. But here’s one of Harry’s favorite doctored photos of me (from the Domino shotgun event) for those that want authenticity. And yes, the tattoo is Harry having fun with my ass.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Harry...had fun...with...Massa's...ass?!]
So what do you win? Bragging rights, baby, bragging rights. That and your art will appear on almost every review I post, which is a couple times a week.
Aside from that, nobody ever sends me any of the good shit. Quint gets Sideshow toys. I get T-shirts for The Core and Catwoman posters. Really, you don’t want anything I have to give you. So bragging rights. And lots of people seeing your art.
So have at it friends. Make me a Massawyrm. I can’t wait to see what you guys do with me.
Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. I know I will.
Massawyrm
Are you beginning to be curious about what exactly Massawyrm would do? E-mail and ask me here? Goo Boy and I are so going to Hell for that.
