I am – Hercules!!
Regular readers of the Super-Exciting Season-Box Vault know that June 20 is Superman DVD Day, with loads of titles tied to the Man of Steel hitting shelves in anticipation of the new Bryan Singer movie hitting cinemas 10 days later. One of those titles is "Superman: Brainiac Attacks,"
which has not been on TV, but is set in the same universe as the animated “Batman,” “Superman” and “Justice League” series.
It looks like the cartoon Lois might finally learn what the Loises in the movies and in the funnybooks each learned some time ago.
And it looks like Clancy Brown may have been too busy saving the world over on “Lost” to reprise the role of Luthor!
“Fanboy Sean,” who believes this movie might actually be a prequel to “Justice League,” got the first look:
Hey, Herc! I was able to see the new direct to video Superman movie, and I thought I'd share the experience with Timmverse fans who can't wait until June 20th.
What's it called?
Brainiac Attacks
Who’s responsible?
Directed by Curt Geda (Batman Begins: Return of the Joker) and written by Duane Capizzi (Batman vs. Dracula).
What's it about?
Brainiac and Lex Luthor form an alliance to destroy the Man of Steel involving a Lexcorp satellite, modified kryptonite, and a new body for Brainiac. Superman, meanwhile, is troubled about having to constantly lie to Lois, and resolves to do something about it.
New body for Brainiac? Is it the classic Silver Age skullhead design?
Nah, I wish. Standard animated DCU giant killer robot.
The Luthor/Brainiac Team is back together again, huh? Are they as cool as they were in Justice League Unlimited?
Not remotely, no.
Why is the Luthor/Brainiac Team not as cool as they were?
First of all, neither the great Clancy Brown nor Corey Burton are back to revise their roles as Superman’s most fearsome enemies. Voice duties fall to Powers Boothe and Lance Henriksen, respectively.
No Clancy Brown as Lex?? Well, the new guys are good, right?
When they don’t have another actor’s shoes to fill, yes. But Boothe’s Lex is nowhere near as chilling as Brown’s, and Henriksen lacks the cold, emotionless quality of Burton. And unfortunately, that’s not even the worst of it.
What is the worst?
Surely you’ve heard of the new Superman movie coming out. Possibly not, it’s very small project and has virtually no buzz. Anyway, Lex is played this time around by Kevin Spacey, and what little we’ve seen of his performance harkens back to the wacky Gene Hackman Luthor of the 1977 film. And you know how when a movie comes out, how other incarnations of a character start to beeeend just a little to be more like it?
You don’t mean Lex bends to fit Kevin Spacey?
Luthor is in full-on wacky, zany, jokey, Gene Hackman mode. Not a scene goes by where Lex doesn’t crack a bad joke, go through a sudden comedic change in personality, or generally come off as a doofus. And to make the comparison complete, Mercy – once the most badass female bodyguard ever – lounges around delivering straight lines like a poor woman’s Miss Tessmacher. Lex Luthor in this movie is less an enemy than a comedic foil.
Lex Luthor reduced to comic relief? Surely you exaggerate.
I do not. If this were a live action movie, Lex could be played by that idiot Ben Stiller. Here is an example of what passes for Lex Luthor dialogue:
“Lexcorp bleeds millions every time the Man of Steel thwarts my covert plans to achieve world domination. What does he have against free enterprise, anyway?”
“World domination”? Was he-- Was he being ironic?
Dead serious. Another example of goofy Lex is when he comes upon Brainiac –having hijacked a Lexcorp weapons satellite - beating the crap out of Superman:
Lex: (squeals) “I am SO happy! (frowns) No, wait; I’m sad.”
Mercy: “Sir?”
Lex: “Lex9000 is supposed to bust up meteors, not Supermen. News of this could ruin me! (suddenly happy again) Well, can’t beat ringside. Mercy, microwave some popcorn!”
I appreciate Hackman’s Luthor as much as the next guy, but the Timmverse Luthor is supposed to be a BADASS.
What about Brainiac?
Brainiac was just utterly generic this time out. Steal Earth’s data, kill Superman, insert Part A into Slot B. Even his personality is bland here. He’s gone from relentless robot killer to dime store baddie, complete with evil laughter and lines like, “I destroyed Superman, destroying you will be a snap!” He also seems to have emotions and the capability to feel pain, somehow.
So does this movie suck?
Suck is a harsh word. It’s deeply flawed, but there’s still a lot to like about it. First off, Tim Daly is back as Superman. Nothing against George Newbern, but Daly does it better, especially the difference in voice between Superman and Clark. In another parallel to the upcoming “Superman Returns”, the B-Plot of the movie involves the Superman/Lois/Clark love triangle, and it’s pretty good stuff. At one point while talking to his folks, Clark laments that revealing his identity to Lois would be placing her in great danger. Pa Kent responds to this faulty logic with: “Son, we know you’re Superman, and we’re just fine.”
Do Pa’s words of wisdom convince Clark to spill the beans?
They do indeed. Clark attempts to tell Lois several times, with amusing results. And there’s a scene in a restaurant where Clark takes off his glasses and speaks in his Superman voice…it would have done Christopher Reeve proud.
Does he ever get around to actually revealing the secret?
That would be telling.
Any other “Superman Returns” movie influences?
There are considerably more talking crystals in the Fortress of Solitude than previously seen in the animated series.
What else is in the Fortress these days?
Why, a Phantom Zone projector! Which is lucky, because it’s exactly where Superman has to go, for plot purposes that strain credibility.
Does he encounter any Kryptonian criminals in the Zone?
Zod!
Superman meets Zod?? Seriously???
No, of course not. The name of this movie is “Brainiac Attacks”, not “Superman fights evil Kryptonian criminals in the Phantom Zone”.
Are the fight scenes as awesome as the Superman/Captain Marvel battle from “Clash”?
Not that great. But they are better than your average episode of S:TAS or JLU. Superman gets STOMPED in virtually every encounter. Between the Lex9000 satellite, the modified kryptonite, and Brainiac’s ability to control electronics, the android dishes out a heaping helping of punishment to the Man of Steel. And no matter how badly Superman gets whaled on, he keeps getting right back up. There’s some significant citywide carnage, and Superman isn’t the only character to get his ass absolutely kicked by Brainiac.
So aside from Lex and Brainiac’s performances, is the story perfect?
Lord, no. Lex’s motivations for helping Brainiac (aside from just destroying Superman) are rather childish. Jimmy Olsen’s subplot is pointless and goes nowhere. The remedy for Lois’ condition only being found in the Phantom Zone is way too convenient. And Superman’s moral dilemma regarding Lois - the idea that being around her puts her in danger - should be ridiculous to anyone who’s spent more than ten minutes with her.
Do any of Superman’s Justice League buddies get a mention?
Superman wonders who will be able to defeat Brainiac if he isn’t around. Lois rather cannily answers, “Special Ops, Navy SEALS, that Green Lantern guy…”
Any other Superman rogues?
One of them gets a mention near the end. Almost.
How does the movie fit in with Timmverse continuity?
Begrudgingly. Luthor and Brainiac act as if they’ve never met before this movie. And when Brainiac has a chance to absorb Kryptonian data from the Fortress computers, he almost got a robo-boner. He’s got all the Kryptonian data he needs, godamnit! He’s FROM friggin’ Krypton!
Gun to your head, explain away the inconsistency.
Before Lex reactivates Brainiac after the first fight with Superman, he does a little tinkering to erase their less-than-cordial past meetings from Brainiac’s memory. This also resulted in a loss of precious Kryptonian data.
Now fit this into the animated DCU timeline.
I would say after S:TAS finale “Legacy”, but before the Justice League is formed. This would explain the two years Lex claimed to have been mining space for kryptonite, the “Green Lantern guy” reference, and how Superman won back the trust of Metropolis. And the end of the movie leads nicely into a line if dialogue in the Justice League episode “Twilight”.
Are there any steamy naked scenes between Lois and Mercy?
What the hell cartoons have you been watching?
Any unintentionally funny lines?
Funny you should ask: “Lois is a crack reporter. It’s only a matter of time before she gets past the glasses and sees through my disguise.” Crack reporter HELL.
Any intentionally funny lines?
Ma: “Any thoughts on settling down?”
Clark: “On Earth? Oh, I’m here to stay.”
Is it as good as “Mask of the Phantasm”?
The hell are you--? Nothing is as good as “Mask of the Phantasm”, damn you.
Okay, fair enough. Is it better than “Mystery of the Batwoman”?
Oh, by a lengthy stretch. Much better animation, higher stakes, more drama, and goofy Lex is nowhere near as annoying as any of the three Batwomen. (oops, did I spoil the mystery?)
What's good?
Tim Daly. Dana Delaney. Lois’ pit stop. “You may want to attend to that.” Freeze breath. The Lex9000. “Get past the glasses, huh?” Ma and Pa Kent. Clark’s continually-thwarted attempts to reveal his secret to Lois. Jimmy is made redundant by a cell phone. “Technology.” The Fortress. The Phantom Zone. “Rootin’ for you, my man!” Something we’ve waited years for: a Jimmy Olsen ass-kicking! “You might say I’m Superman’s pal.” “Phone my attorneys. ALL of them.”
What's not good?
Lex. Brainiac. The Maguffin that Superman has to hunt down to save Lois. The fact that there are apparently only two reporters working for the Daily Planet (literally, when Clark and Lois are both unavailable, Perry sends friggin’ Jimmy to report on a Luthor story). Lex. The climax feels a bit too much like a “power of love” solution. The fact that it takes Superman the entire movie to realize something about Lois that should’ve been plainly obvious from the first five minutes. Lex. LEX!!!
How does it end, spoiler boy?
Invisotext time:
“I think Lois will be just fine, as long as Superman and Clark Kent are around to look out for her.”
“Fanboy Sean’s” rating for “Superman: Brainiac Attacks”?
**1/2
The Hercules T. Strong Rating System:
***** better than we deserve
**** better than most motion pictures
*** actually worth your valuable time
** as horrible as most stuff on TV
* makes you quietly pray for bulletins
Make it so cheap! Paramount just cut the prices of four more “Star Trek” season sets!!
Star Trek: The Next Generation
$51.99 The Complete First Season
$51.99 The Complete Second Season
$51.99 The Complete Third Season
$51.99 The Complete Fourth Season <--- NEWLY ENCHEAPENED!!
$51.99 The Complete Fifth Season <--- NEWLY ENCHEAPENED!!
$134.99 The Complete Sixth Season
$134.99 The Complete Seventh Season
