Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with Latauro's newest column. This little bit hit recently about the possibility of a FRIGHTENERS sequel. I didn't run anything about it because it never seemed real. Kinda like that other Michael J. Fox movie series... you know the one with terrorists in the white van? BACK TO THE FUTURE 4 rumors were going around, too, but when you actually read the Fox interview he talked about it as a hypothetical, not a "this is going to happen." It was more like, "If this were to ever happen... I'd want to play Doc!" Not news. But our good man downunder puts the FRIGHTENERS 2 rumor into perspective and gives us all the dirt on what's happening in Australia/New Zealand... you'll also get NARNIA reviews from children that share some blood with Latauro! Enjoy!
There's only one thing in the world that could have done this... the Abominable Snowman.
AICN-DOWNUNDER
Every now and then my mailbox is jammed with an envelope marked "URGENT". It's taken me a while to recognise that it's not urgent, but junk mail from MRA entertainment, a company that seems to think my column is about upcoming DVD releases of televisual masterpieces such as "Fat Actress: The Complete First Season". Well, for the first time, the catalogue contained something of interest. According to this catalogue, MRA has recently released the Daryl Hannah/Denise Richards film WHORE. What's great about this is the fact that nobody seemed to spot a problem with copying the DVD cover of the American version. If you come across the DVD anywhere, you'll see Hannah "seductively" holding a card above the sheets that says "Unrated". A few inches below, you'll notice that the film is rated R18+ for all the things you'd expect a film called WHORE to be rated R for. If you didn't think the "Unrated Edition!" title was just a marketing ploy, this should put all doubts to rest...
Anyway, this is the last regular column for the year. I'll be back next week with my rundown of the top 350 films, so, until then, have an excellent and safe Christmas.
NEWS
There's word that Peter Jackson is considering a sequel to THE FRIGHTENERS. According to various websites, some of which I've heard of, if the new DVD (Region 1: one disc; Region 4: three disc!) sells well enough, Jackson might be able to convince Universal to greenlight a sequel. While I'm completely behind, well, *anything* Jackson wants to do, I'm not going to hold my breath for such a film. Back during RETURN OF THE KING's post-production phase, he mentioned BAD TASTE 2 and SON OF BRAINDEAD as potential projects. I'm personally holding out for MEET THE FEEBLES 2 (I know there's a FOCKERS joke in there somewhere, I just couldn't find it) or FORGOTTEN GOLD.
AWARDS AND FESTIVALS
63RD ANNUAL GOLDEN GLOBE AWARDS
The Globes, which is a completely legitimate and transparent awards ceremony celebrating substance over style, threw some nominations our way. Yes, showing that Australians can also be part of the fun, the Associated Press nodded its mighty head at Russell Crowe for playing an American hero, and Heath Ledger for playing a cowboy.
BERLIN FILM FESTIVAL
Neil Armfield's CANDY, starring Heath Ledger, Abbie Cornish (SOMERSAULT) and Geoffrey Rush will play in competition at the Berlind Festival in February 2006. All Germans are required to attend.
IMMAGINARA
Not the latest film to spew from the imagination of Neil Gaiman, IMMAGINARA is the International Women's Film Festival held in Bologna, Italy. Sure as we gave them Meagan Gale and then snatched her back again, Australia has put its unwashed mitts on the golden/silver/bronze/zirconia statuette/sculpture/certificate/Roberto Benigni. Australian Film Commissioned short film GRANNY QUEER: THE LATE BLOOMERS took out Best Animation Prize for director Jacinda Klouwens and producer Fiona Dyson. This is the fourth festival win for GRANNY, if you don't count its narrow win over TITSIANA BOOBERINI for Most Eye-Rollingly Off-Putting Title For a Short Film or Documentary at this year's IF Awards.
2006 ROTTERDAM INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL
Cinemart, the film market offshoot of the annual festival in Rotterdam (which always sounds to me like someone forgot to refridgerate Amsterdam), has selected feature BEETLE RAMEN to participate in next year's frivolity. The Melbourne-made film, produced by Margot McDonald and written & directed by Yen Ooi, is the only Australian film to get into Cinemart.
TRIBECA VS TROPFEST
This title fight is less like, say, ALIEN VS PREDATOR (where they will fight to the death until one side is dead or the audience has lost consciousness) and more like the inevitable SUPERMAN VS BATMAN (where they presumably fight for a while before teaming up to take on a common enemy... and call it WORLD'S FINEST, for Christ's sake). Yes, if that unnecessarily convoluted introduction is anything to go by, John Polson's phenomenally successful Tropfest short film festival (held across Australia every year) will team up with Robert De Niro's intimidating Tribeca Film Festival for some sort of New York-based programme entitled Tropfest@Tribeca. Polson, you may not remember, directed De Niro in "film" HIDE AND SEEK.
TASCAPE 2006
If you're a "Farscape" fan, you'll not want to miss TASCAPE on the 14th and 15th of January at Maroubra. "Scapers" will be converging at the Sands Hotel on Friday night to kick it up like drunken Scarrans. And I had to check the back of my housemate's DVDs to make that reference. Saturday's events will include a bus trip to locations used in the series, and Sunday will see a BBQ down at the Arthur Byrne Park. Rumours that this event will be picketed by angry "Firefly" fans are, at the moment, completely made up by me. For questions and info, email TaScape@hotmail.com.
BOX OFFICE
For all the talk of KONG's supposed box office failure, the ape took out top spot in every country it was released, except for Zimbabwe where it was beaten by the ringtone-themed feature film CRAZY FROG MEETS MUGABE. I'm sorry, it's really late, and I'm actually just typing random words to see if they form coherent flubber corn whistles. Hey, let's see what made the cash in Australia this week!
1. KING KONG
2. HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE
3. SAW II
4. THE CONSTANT GARDENER
5. DOMINO
RELEASED THESE PAST WEEKS TWO
Linklater makes a yin to his SCHOOL OF ROCK yan, the combined stoic stilness of Bill Murray and Jim Jarmusch calls for the first-ever on-set defibrillator, Steve Martin squanders all the good will he acquired by not committing mass genocide on an indigenous people, the film with the year's most misleading title is almost completely reshot and recut from Paul Shrader's original darker version, Australia gets a far more grammatically-pleasing version of the Murrow phrase, a French film shows that English soccer results in wars while German wars result in soccer, Reese Witherspoon fades away, this movie is about a giant ape, Bob Hoskins finally gets his kit off, and the French sequel to the SPANISH apartment goes Russian.
BAD NEWS BEARS
BROKEN FLOWERS
CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN 2
FUN WITH DICK AND JANE
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK.
JOYEUX NOEL
JUST LIKE HEAVEN
KING KONG
MRS HENDERSON PRESENTS
RUSSIAN DOLLS
REVIEWS
MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
I'm trying to work out whether I've become cynical in recent times, or whether I've just developed a better radar for glossy crap. On one hand, I'm able to see through the veneer of A BEAUTIFUL MIND to see that it's actually one of the worst-written films of the past ten years. On the other hand, I trashed BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN before all the positive reviews came out, and I'm actually considering seeing it again to see if I was completely off the mark. With that in mind, I'm wondering if my thoughts on MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA are also off the mark. Did I dislike it because I judge films differently when I'm invited by distributors and I have somewhere to be afterwards, or was it genuinely bad?
Well, genuinely bad is a bit harsh. It's not actually a bad film. The difficulties in talking about it stems from the fact that what's wrong with the film is more abstract than specific, not to mention the fact that I should have written this review a week and a half ago when I saw it, and now my memories just a little vague.
The big problem with GEISHA is that it's so incredibly conscious of the fact that it's an Oscar contender. I would not be surprised if slowing down the film revealed subliminal "FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION" messages scattered throughout. Now, I haven't read the book on which the film is based. In these cases, I'm forced to treat the book as an early draft of the screenplay. The screenwriter still has an opportunity to change dialogue, scenes, characters from the book if it doesn't quite work for the film. The narration does not quite work for the film. Nor does much of the dialogue. The film suffers from archaic language used in most period films to show that it's set a long, long time ago. It's just one of many elements that makes this film a clunky mess.
I did find it a little disconcerting to see actresses who were clearly Chinese playing Japanese characters (who spoke English throughout). While I don't have a problem seeing Charlton Heston or Rod Steiger playing Mexican, neither TOUCH OF EVIL or DUCK YOU SUCKA were meant to be historically-accurate. GEISHA is supposed to suspend our disbelief as much as it can if we're to believe this story and the people in it. Casting the most popular Hollywood-sanctioned Asian actors in the belief that no one in the US will be able to tell the difference is not only a little racist, it massively detracts from the film.
Zhang Ziyi is admittedly very good, and so are Ken Watanabe and Gong Li. Michelle Yeoh is still the most graceful screen beauty in the world, and was the main reason I was able to keep watching the film. Yeoh is up there with Audrey Hepburn and Grace Kelly, and even if she's incredibly miscast, it's hard to be disappointed when she appears on screen.
Director Rob Marshall drove straight to the middle of the road with this film. Nothing in it is remotely shocking (not even the supposed rape scene, which would not be out of place in a G rated movie), and practically nothing is surprising. The problem with being aware of how a film will be received when you're making it is you end up making a film that's not really for anyone. I can't see this film being anyone's favourite, as it's so bland and safe that nothing stands out. Oh, and thanks to Matt Stone and Trey Parker I can't see a montage sequence now without lapsing into fits of giggles. Thanks, guys.
The film starts with the narration "A story like mine should never be told". I have no earthly idea why Sayuri thinks that her story is so horrific that nobody should ever hear it, but it's pretty demonstrative of how off-the-mark the filmmakers are with their perceptions of the film they've made. A more accurate opening would be: "A story like mine has its moments here and there, but it's really not worth sitting through... hey, isn't KISS KISS BANG BANG playing next door?".
A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE
I'm really not the biggest Cronenberg fan in the world. CRASH was a terrible, terrible film that my friends and I got out years ago because we thought it looked like LOST HIGHWAY. I've gone back to check out some of the titles in his filmography, finally seeing that Criterion edition of VIDEODROME a few months back. The thing is, I never really know what to expect from the man, as he's universally loved by film geeks everywhere and I don't really see it.
Well, I see it now. At least, I do in this film. A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE is a powerful film, a hundred times more shocking in its small, intimate character moments than in its loud, violent moments. It's the perfect marriage of material and director, with Cronenberg clearly understanding the importance and relevance of every single one of the film's elements. The violence made me squirm in my seat. Small bits of innocuous dialogue made me squirm in my seat. Scenes of relative calm made me squirm in my seat. The fact that I was sitting on a puffer fish had very little to do with. But seriously, folks...
Viggo Mortensen finally builds on the promise we saw in LORD OF THE RINGS. He's so clearly a movie star, with only universal name recognition standing between him and world domination. His screen presence is constantly riveting, and, as with every role, he plays it as if this is who he's been his entire life. You'll completely buy his good ol' boy character before he's even opened his mouth. Few actors look this relaxed and comfortable in the skin of their characters.
Ed Harris is equally brilliant, playing one of the coolest, most comfortable characters in history. What's interesting is that I didn't even realise Ed Harris was in this film until the credits rolled. I know, Harris is one of those guys you can pick at a million miles away. It's like not recognising Al Pacino or John Candy or someone unmistakable. Regardless, Harris's voicework is so effective that I just couldn't place him at any moment during the film. It's heartening to know that an actor that recognisable is still able to slip completely into a character every now and then.
This is one of those films you can't really discuss without giving something away, and it's a film that deserves to be seen cold. While my expectations of the title's meaning were dashed slightly, I found the entire affair to be pretty amazing. This is filmmaking at its purest, a classic yet unpredictable fable told in the best way possible. Film geeks worth their salt need to make sure they catch it.
THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE
So here's what happened. I had two double passes to the NARNIA screening a couple of weeks ago (thanks, Wendy!) and was planning to take my three young cousins. Then, a film shoot I was supposed to be working on got moved and I was stuck with the dilemma of having to ditch someone. My commitments to the shoot eventually won out, so I passed the tickets onto my aunt who accompanied Alice, Georgia and Mikey to the film. Unfortunately, I informed them, there are no free meals on Ain't It Cool. If they were going to attend the screening as representatives of AICN-Downunder, they'd need to submit reviews. So here is NARNIA, as reviewed by my three young cousins and their mother.
Loved it. A wonderful family movie, with something in it for everyone. Much the same as the original ‘Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe’ film, but little differences made it even more exciting, keeping everyone anxious. Based on the book by C.S Lewis, it’s a must see film for everyone.
- Alice Kelly (14 years old)
I really liked The Lion The Witch And the Wardrobe it was full of excitement and adventures It was so exciting I couldn’t take my eyes of the screen for a second. I would recommend this movie to every one I knew and I am sure that they would love it just as much as I did.
- Georgia Kelly (11 years old)
I reckon the lion, the witch and the wardrobe was really good. There were some scary parts but I didn’t care. My favourite part was the fighting, the beavers, the wolves and Aslan. The White Witch was a bit ugly but I didn’t care. I liked the bit where Aslan jumped onto the White Witch. I also liked the bit where there was a war between Aslan and the bad guys.The wardrobe was pritty cool.That was my first time I’ve ever seen the lion, the witch and the wardrobe and heard of it. It was also full of exitment. I also enjoyid the moivie. The cinemers were packed with people. It was a bit sad when the children had to leave there parents and almost got killed by a bomb that landed on there house. A boy tried to get a photo of his dad. The dad was dead. I reckon it was a great moivie. I typed this all on my own.
- Michael Kelly (7 years old)
Narnia is a movie that entertains to the max – and for all ages. I loved the layers of meaning it had for everyone. The Christian analogy it embraces is moving and a great reminder of the Christmas story. The message it sends to an audience about sibling relationships, how it can create traitors and how all can be forgiven is wonderful stuff. A gripping story with plenty of great visual effects which makes everything look so real. Go and see it these holidays, enjoy it and have fun talking about it afterwards.
- Deb Kelly (40 plus - mother of 3)
NEXT WEEK
- Peter Jackson to make a raunchy, low-budget KONG sequel, following Naomi Watts's character as she attempts to give up her lawless apple-stealing lifestyle whilst questioning her heterosexuality in THE STRAIGHT ANN DARROW
- Producers hire Charlie Kaufman to adapt HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE, which follows the adventures of screenwriter Michael Goldenberg as he attempts to adapt GOBLET OF FIRE into a cohesive screenplay
- Elijah Wood to play a young Thal warrior who travels back to his home planet of Skaro to discover what happened to his grandfather during the Dalek/Gallifrey war in EVERYTHING IS EXTERMINATED
RIP John Spencer,
