STEALTH Review

Well here it is... down to the final ounce, this film is 7 tons of dumb. You see - in the future the Navy's top pilots will be able to change their orders at the last possible moment, they'll fall in love with one another, they'll beat box in their quarters rather than study up on the highly experimental wingman they'll be getting and did I mention that they'll constantly disobey orders.

I mean - the top three Naval pilots... The type that would form a special Black Ops aerial hit squadron flying Stealth super secret fighter jets to instantly vaporize terrorist cells, no matter the country or the placement... These would definitely be the insubordinate question authority types. I mean, the navy would make sure of that... right. They'd want pilots that absolutely know better than their commanding officers. Right? These wouldn't be the picture perfect push button pilots that would say... in a situation where a terrorist warlord was about to fuse 4 nuclear warheads to 4 mobile Scud Missile units - would abandon his mission - cuz a town of 10,000 lived on the otherside of the mountain and may be contaminated. Cuz - surely... those 10,000 would matter so much more than... oh let's see 4 major metropolitan targets vaporized from the Planet Earth annihilating 100s of thousands or possibly 10s of millions. This isn't an important strike... right? And obviously the pilot on this special kill squad... he'd be trained to give up at the first sign of problems. Right? Yeah, I thought so too.

Oh - also - in the future - the Navy will create Artificially Intelligent Super Fighters that would have personalities, feelings... the desire to 'hot dog' and show off... oh and free will, cuz that's what the military wants in a machine. A disobedient one. Oh - and in this machine that could single handedly start World War III - they wouldn't put a failsafe destruct device - cuz... ya know, the military would be worried about it accidently being triggered... riiiiight?

Now - I know what you're thinking. Ok, I don't. But you're probably thinking that I'm nitpicking the film to death. But that's generally because at every level of this film there is a nitpick standing on it's head lighting farts at regular intervals like OLD FAITHFUL! Everything these characters do, every situation they are in, nearly every decision made... is counter to any semblance of reality.

Was I really expecting reality regarding a thinking super fighter plane endangering the safety of the world and possibly leading to the doom of all mankind? Oddly - not at all. You see... from the trailers - it looked like - whilst on a mission, something happened to the JOSHUA firefox and it went wonky - going all HAL 9000 and setting about on a mission - which from the trailer looks like it would be endangering Seattle and or America. That it became EVIL PLANE. And they had to stop it before it destroyed us. But actually - this is a film about "winning the war on terror via first and often strikes." And, of course, to those ends there is evil domestic politicians, military men and they got a secret base in Alaska where evil Navy experimental plane dudes can send their pilots to be put to death.

I know - a known liberal conspiracy theorist like me saying that I don't believe in a conservative military industrial complex conspiracy to sacrifice all in the name of super robot planes? I mean - wouldn't you believe that a seasoned Navy man - under no time pressures or immediate deadlines - would rush a plane back into use even though it is showing faulty thinking and processing capabilities? Surely that Navy Man wouldn't make sure it was back to top operating procedure. Cuz apparently it is more important that it just be in the air, than "thinking right, performing right or being in a stable and safe operating condition." Although - with NASA sending up the Shuttle even though it doesn't know why something keeps failing is failing... perhaps it isn't outlandish. BUT - I bet you my bottom dollar that NASA has done double, triple, quadruple and trempuple checks to analyze what that part going out could do to the mission, before they send it up. Don't ya think? Yeah, me too.

Now - here's the weird part. While we got pilots with the hormonal hots for one another, beat box fantasies and seven tons of dumb... I actually like the characters and the actors playing them. You see - While the plot is beyond ludicrous - while the action is hilariously goofy - while the situations are beyond serious comprehension... W.D. Richter's dialogue and these particular actors are pretty damn good. It's just all idiotic.

Ya know... at 4am with a bunch of friends - drunk, stoned or hallucinating from exhaustion... this film may work. But otherwise - it's $35 million in pure fx all to serve no end whatsoever. The film makes the navy out to be incredibly stupid, fighter pilots brash disobedient children and top secret activities to be... the most obvious things in the world. Yeah... but is it fun? If you like to spend your time constantly laughing at out-landish stupidity (and you do read me everyday, so maybe you do) then yeah... its fun, but only in the way that watching HOUSE OF THE DEAD is fun. It's like watching a loved one suffering from the ravages of Alzheimer's forgets and shits themselves... In otherwords - it isn't very fun at all. In fact, it's a great waste of talent, time and money. It's just rather sad.