Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with a review to send you off to the multiplexes with this weekend. I was supposed to see THE ISLAND during Comic-Con, but it quickly became apparent that I could either see the movie or update my day's coverage for you folks and considering the movie was going into general release the week after the Con, I figured I'd get in line for it. We've gotten a few reviews in the last few weeks for the movie, but this one seems to sum up a fine middle ground that I've heard from friends who have seen it and those emails we've been getting, so I figured I'd send you off with this in mind. Enjoy!
Ahoy! I just got voted off “The Island” and I gotta tell you, I’ve got some soul searching to do. If Michael Bay was capable of making a film with a soul, this would be it. Note the giant IF. But first things first…
You Gotta hand it to Ewan and Scarlett and whoever the forces are that compelled Bay and his people to hire these awesome thespians for what is essentially a by the munbers actioner. If you’re like me, you believe there are movies and there are films, each with their own rules, their own brand of acting and seldom the twain shall meet (Quentin Tarantino, anyone?). Make no mistake, The Island is a MOVIE through and through…but somehow the lovely Ms. Johansson and the, let’s face it, equally lovely Mr. McGregor somehow managed to squeeze in some damn fine “film” acting in between shaky-cam car chases and the so-reminiscent-of-Bad Boys 2-I’m-not-convinced-they-weren’t-leftover-footage splosions. So come for the splosions, stay for the acting, I guess. Also of considerable note was Djimon Housoun, who brought a quiet dignity to a role that Colin Farrel wished he was playing in Minority Report, ie, the dedicated agent who’s unwittingly working for the bad guy (minus the fist pounding and scenery chewing.) Although in the world of Michael Bay, there’s no excuse for mistaking the bad guy as he’ll be the one in Armani sporting an accent and an I-just-stopped-using-that-ridiculous-face-cream-from-Catwoman scowl. (I think I just broke my hyphen button.) It’s obvious and over the top, but hey, it’s Michael Bay.
At any rate, there are a lot of cool future-gadgets throughout and the production value, as you might expect, was high. So high in fact, that at some points, I was reminded of the scene at the end of Pee Wee’s Big Adventure where Pee Wee was riding through the different soundstages on the Warners’ back lot because it seemed that every time our fugitive heroes burst through a warehouse door, they were in an entirely different music video complete with it’s own color palette. They escape the underground compound of Bryan Singer’s Logan’s Run and show up on the set of Janie’s Got a Gun (hey, that rhymed! I’m a poet and didn’t even realize). They burst through the door of an ultra modern train station, and you’re in a desert in front of a giant drive-in movie screen singing Blaze of Glory with Bon Jovi. Less jarring than McG’s Technicolor ejaculations, but still a little disjointed what with all the scenery changes. But then hey, it’s Michael Bay.
Armageddon alums Steve Buscemi and Michael Clarke Duncan both do a decent job, although, you have to wonder if Steve ever daydreams of playing a guy who doesn’t creep me the hell out. My guess is no. My guess is he doesn’t think about me often at all. There’s also your typical “hilarious” African American (read: black) featured extras, who cap off a dramatic scene with a well-timed attitude-laden joke that will inevitably, go one exactly one beat too long. Those wacky blacks, always crackin’ wise. Sure, it’s a little “least common denominator,” but hey, it’s Michael Bay.
Now on to the story. I like to wonder what life would be like without marketing teams owning our very asses. Thanks to the trailer, you already know the hook of this flick and the truth about the Island. But I like to imagine what could’ve been if we didn’t. With some slight rearranging of the scenes, this story would’ve been a wondrous thing to see played out. We could’ve experienced all the emotion our poor clones feel as they discover everything they know is a lie. As it is, though, we know everything going in, so there’s a certain ennui that sets in while you’re waiting for your heroes to finally catch on. Imagine how you would’ve felt seeing Darth Maul light up that second blade for the first time if you didn’t already see it thousand times on TV, lunchboxes and Trapper Keepers. Imagine not knowing Ahnold was a good guy in T-2 when John Connor was trapped in that hallway with two opposing cyborgs closing in. *sigh* Well, back to reality. If you have seen the trailer, you could probably make up some story beats of your own and not be far off from what you’ll see this weekend, or whenever the hell this thing opens. But truthfully, for an actiony-popcorn flick, it’s really not bad at all. Quite entertaining actually. My only complaint is that you could probably piece the movie together at home from previous Michael Bay efforts, since the shots are pretty much composed the same as always. Low angle, dolly around the actor, blown out color and unmotivated lighting. Typical Bay fare. What’s great, though, is that somewhere toward the end of the second act, when the clones are becoming acquainted with the world of 2050 (or thereabouts) there are some well earned laughs and when they eventually come face to face with the reality of who and what they are, Bay manages to back off and let the actors do their thing and you almost—ALMOST—feel something for them. Almost. These quiet moments between Ewan and Scarlett are really the only thing that sets this flick just a notch apart from Bay’s previous efforts. Aside from the promising premise, too, I suppose. But these moments are really the only times you can feel for them as characters because during the rest of the flick, particularly that bit you see at the end of the trailers with them falling off the building inside the giant letter “R”, they prove to be basically invulnerable. I’m all for suspending disbelief (I bought Nichole Kidman as a human being in “Birth”), but DAMN. I mean DAMN! These kids cannot be touched. Things wrap up satisfactorily in the end, but several car chases, narrow escapes, and false endings later, I really needed a nap.
As a nit-picky side note, this movie has a real mad-on for product placement. I counted six name brands featured prominently on the screen, but feel free to tally your own count. It’ll be a fun little game. Also of note is that in the year 2050 (or thereabouts) Apple still hasn’t come up with a better computer than their G-5. Apparently, they went into cloning and called it a day on their personal computer race.
All in all, this is a movie that makes you, or at least me, question your very soul. Every time something happens that you wish was more clever, less dumbed down, or at least slightly different than what Bay gave you last time around, I though to myself, geez…what will it take to make me happy? Am I asking too much of Mr. Bay and the movie industry in general? Michael Bay never protested to be a maker of films! He makes MOVIES. Check your brain at the door and enjoy the pretty people and bright colors (woulda used the hyphen for that one, but it’s still busted) movies. So what if there’s an unmotivated camera-move here and there? So what if any solid material will explode in a blaze of hellfire if pelted with enough bullets? So what if for the briefest instant, I swear Ewan morphed into Sean Connery and said “I’m jusht borrowing your Humvee” during the requisite shut up and drive chase scene? Look around you in the theatre…the soccer mom’s having a good time. So’s the accountant. And your local grocer. Everyone’s having the time of their lives. Maybe these are the people these movies are for. I dunno. That’s what talkbacks are here to decide. I’m here to tell you that this movie is just fine. If you wanna nit-pick it to death, there’s plenty of ammo. If you are intent on having a good time, you won’t have a problem finding one. The Island is cool, sexy, safe and a little dumb. In the hands of another director, it probably could’ve been a sci fi classic, but as it stands, it’s your standard above-average action movie summer escapism. But hey, it’s Michael Bay.
Hope this wasn’t a waste of finger-movin’. If you use this, call me Fantasticles.
