Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with a look at the sequel to the Vin Diesel over-the-top actioneer XXX. I thought the first film wasn't that great, but at the same time it was enjoyable to watch. The action was interesting, Asia Argento was pretty (in a Eurotrashy way) and Diesel was Diesel, which was all he needed to be in that role.
I don't know if I wanted a franchise outta XXX, but I must admit a part of me would have really loved to have seen Sam Jackson and Vin Diesel step up against Willem Dafoe. Instead we have Ice Cube, playing Ice Cube (a much less interesting schtick, in my opinion)... in a PG-13 follow-up... Errr... Why even bring in a new XXX at all? Give the movie to Sam Jackson and then you might have something. Anyway, I hope the movie is at least entertaining, but if you go by the below review your best bet would be to stay the hell away from this flick.
Greetings Harry & Co.
Long time reader – first time contributor.
Since I haven’t seen any reviews of XXX: The Next Level (at least that’s the tagline us Danes are stuck with) on your site I figured it was my duty to warn the public against this movie. English is not my first language so go easy with the red marker.
First – for those of you who don’t care to read all the way to the end – WARNING: DO NOT SEE THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT – NOT EVEN IF SOMEBODY’S HOLDING A GUN TO YOUR HEAD (TAKE THE BULLET, TRUST ME!)!!! No, seriously, this is the worst fucking movie to come out of Hollywood in a long time (and yes, I saw League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and Torque (another Ice Cube-gem)). I’m so fucking frustrated I don’t even know where to begin….
Please keep in mind when reading this that I absolutely love “fast and over-the-top” actionmovies – everything from Tango & Cash and Swordfish to Con Air and Deep Blue Sea (no kidding!), but this movie is just void of anything resembling any kind of entertainment value.
The Good (this won’t take long):
Cars. There are some sweetass rides on display here. Everything from American muscle to SUV’s.
The Bad (I’m just going to point out a few things – otherwise this would take all day):
Ice Cube. We went from Vin to this?!? Enough said!
Samuel L. Jackson: No, no, no. My nigga. What happened, Sam? Nobody needs money this bad!!!
Willem Dafoe: Love most of his work, but he’s gotta stop with the badguy-roles. Dude, this movie makes your performance in Speed 2: Cruise Control look like Academy Award-material.
Xzibit: His character is an EXACT rip-off of the host-role he fills on Pimp My Ride: A carjacking gangbanger running a chopshop spitting out dialogue along the lines of “Assholes and elbows, people”. Give me a fucking break.
Scott Speedman: He looks like he’s recovering from a major hangover in every scene (I guess I can’t blame him, though).
Ridiculous action-sequences. There’s plenty of action to go around – only thing is – it’s so fucking uninteresting and boring that you just don’t give a fuck. One of my favourite scenes has Cube chasing down a high-speed train in a convertible Shelby Cobra Concept (I’m not giving anything important away here - at this point in the movie you couldn’t care less) – the Shelby riding the railroadtracks on its rims (believe it!) as it tries to catch up with the train. The CGI used to execute this chase is beyond excuse – it’s so fucking awful it actually made me think of the final chase-sequence in Torque (yeah it’s that bad – and thanks a lot, motherfuckers - there goes 18 months of therapy down the drain trying to block that movie out of my mind).
One-punch-henchmen. It only takes The Cube one punch to render most of his opponents unconscious – impressive.
Elite hackingskills. I love this – it never gets old. Cube’s gay comedic sidekick (Michael Roof reprising his role as Agent Toby Lee Shavers) succeeds in hacking the world’s most secure database (according to himself) and get the data they so desperately need in less than 10 seconds – once again, impressive.
PG-13. Fuck you, Hollywood. At least give me some blood and gore, a little T & A, and some believable dialogue (read: swearing) to help keep me awake. None of those things in this kiddieflick.
Sorry, I can’t go on anymore (believe me – there are plenty of awful things to discuss) – I wanted to throw in some comments about the mediocre directing and the generic storyline, but I’m too exhausted.
To summarize: BEWARE: WORST MOVIE OF THE YEAR UP AHEAD!! (this puppy is going to rake up its share of Razzie’s come February if there’s any justice in the world.)
MikY
