Hi, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab...
Steven Pressfield, author of the amazing GATES OF FIRE< currently has a novel in stores called THE VIRTUES OF WAR, which is about Alexander the Great, and it’s a heck of a good read. Well-researched, powerfully imagined. And I’m willing to bet that at one point, ALEXANDER had a great script. The name “Laeta Kalogridis” on the poster all but guarantees that. But the more the film screens, the more it sounds like Oliver Stone has ladeled on his trademark indulgence and audiences just aren’t buying it. Check this out:
Hey, Harry...long time reader.
I am studying at Syracuse University, and tonight I attended an advanced screening of Oliver Stone's ''Alexander''. It was off-campus, at a theater called Westcott Cinemas, and there were these 2 guys dressed in robes and with swords handing out free snacks. Anyways, you're probably wondering if the film is lame or not. Did Oliver Stone pull off a great epic? Or did he screw up big time?
Well, I unfortunately must inform you.....The movie sucks balls.
Yep. It's horrible. I walked out of the theater feeling relieved (i didn't pay a cent to see the movie!) but also sad. Sad that Mr. Stone has succumbed to this kind of bad movie. Also sad, that Angelina Jolie keeps acting in roles that are beneath her. She is such a good actress and yet in this film she just stares seductively at Colin Farrell and puts on a muddled Russian accent. Most of all, I'm sad that Stone has wasted so much effort and love to make this film, and in the end...it's pretty worthless.
I will not go into details, but I'll just pinpoint the hits and all the misses. The opening credits were simply tacky as hell. Stone tried to make them interesting by showing artifacts and ancient scripture handwriting, but it turned out really dull. The music score was incredibly bad. During the entire film, it was the same upbeat, triumphant-Enya-type of music that simply did not ''click'' with the tone of the film. As for the performances, well....
Colin Farrell's acting was bad: all he did was shout, cry, and fight. You don't feel sorry for his character, you don't pity his relationship with his parents, you simply do not feel ANYTHING for him. Angelina Jolie did a better job, although, as I said, she is capable of much much better work. Val Kilmer is the stand-out here. Although his part is a small one, his presence in the film was captivating, and, if you're really keen on seeing this film, see it simply for his performance, which is the only thing worth seeing.
Anthony Hopkins just walks around spouting philosophical mumbo jumbo, that's about it. Doesn't add much. Jared Leto, Christopher Plummer, and Rosario Dawson were all pretty dispensable. The relationship between Farrell and his two male lovers was extremely awkward: no good dialogue whatsoever.
The battle scenes? We've all seen it before, in one form or another...Oh, and watch the last scene between Leto and Farrell. It's so badly acted and so sappy that you'll laugh your ass off.
Almost the entire audience was laughing throught the entire movie, which isn't a good sign, so...see for yourself.
Sadly, Oliver Stone has released a hugely awkward film, with very bad performances, with the exception of Mr. Kilmer.
If you use this, call me LENCH.
This next one starts off with a line that pretty much sums it up:
Fuck you, Oliver Stone.
It was marketed as an epic, a film to end all films of conquest, greed, lust, and grandeur. But no, Alexander is none of these things. It is a long movie that attempts to seriously portray a man’s obsession with another man, so much so that marrying a woman is only done so he can son an heir. The problem isn’t with the subject matter; everyone knows the Greeks were … passionate … about each other, regardless of sex, but the way it’s handled is melodramatic, but more disappointingly, ludicrous and ridiculous. Seeing it in a theater that cracked up every time it looked like Alexander (Colin Farrell, who at one point looks like Ozzy) and Haphaestion (Jared Leto, who looks sometimes like a grunge rocker given furs) were about to lip lock (amazingly enough, they never do), the romance between these two men falls flat, and to use it as the center of one man’s quest to better the world (I’ll get to that in a minute) just weakens the story.
First, Alexander is portrayed as an idealist, thrust into the throne of his assassinated father, who undertakes military missions to better the kingdoms he conquers. He’s portrayed as an amiable giver of goodwill, who wants nothing more than to unite the world for peace … through war … or something. It didn’t fly. But finally, his obsession leads him to far away lands such as Persia and India, and he will never turn back until he is ultimately defeated. The acting in this movie is horrible. Angelina Jolie, Alexander’s mother, speaks in a Gypsy-Slavic accent, Val Kilmer as his father plays the abusive one-eyed father well, but the scene where he explains to his son that women are evil and gives us a rundown of Greek mythology seemed forced. Then we have the legions of Alexander and his peers. Colin Farrell (and the actor who plays the adolescent king-to-be) both keep strong Irish accents. Throw in Jared Leto with his American accent, a few more Irishmen for kicks, and one huge Scot and you think that when they start reminiscing about battle that Edward Longshanks is about to round the corner and Mel Gibson will magically appear with body paint … no such luck. Rosario Dawson plays a broken-English eastern wife to Alexander, who spends more time naked and grunting in the film than actually speaking (to some people, I’m sure that’s preferred).
Speaking of Rosario Dawson and nudity, let’s talk about the sex scene. It’s like watching two animals fight, strip, the female pulling a knife on the male, the male talking her down, taming her, then mounting her (complete with hardly any words, and a lot of snarling … seriously) … all cut together between images and voiceover with Angelina Jolie (for some nice Freudian imagery) … and an ending shot that made the audience laugh, again, as shadows portray the copulation. But like I said, if you like Rosario Dawson, you’ll probably like her better after seeing this scene.
Now, let’s get this straight and out in the open. Do not go see this movie if you want action. In a running time of 173 minutes (according to IMDB, although it seemed shorter … by about 20 minutes), there are two battle scenes. One involves a grand melee with tactics so hard to follow that during the battle they super title on the screen which side of the Macedonian force you’re looking at (Macedonian center, right, or left). Nothing spectacular, except for the chariots that cut people in half with blades off their wheels, but really that just made me wish I was watching Gladiator instead.
The second is the one with the elephants. Now, I’m quite sure that elephant tusks (much less dulled elephant tusks) can’t impale human beings wearing armor, but I’ve never been against a war elephant, so maybe I’m just wrong. That battle is no less graphic, but more impressive only because there are … well, elephants, throwing around Greeks like there’s no tomorrow. The problem I have is that a lot of the action is lost when Mr. Stone, in an artistic move, decides to tint the whole scene PINK after Alexander is felled by an arrow (don’t worry, he doesn’t die … there’s at least 30 more minutes of movie left at this point). The blood and everything shed (what seems) so excitingly is lost in the color shift.
And Mr. Stone, you HAVE TO STOP SHAKING THE CAMERA. In both battles scenes (and other parts throughout the film) the camera shakes. A lot of the time you think it’s because there’s a herd of elephants or camels that are about to trample toward the camera … but you would be wrong. It was distracting, not artistic or useful.
It amazes me that such a well-rounded cast (Brian Blessed, Anthony Hopkins, and Christopher Plummer all have supporting roles, some much too small for their skill) could sign on to something that would turn so ugly.
Some of the dialogue simply does not lend itself to high drama either. When Haphaestion is on his death bed, he dreams of a day when his and Alexander’s children can play as they did when boys … which caused that audience to laugh out loud (at least 150 people I’m talking about here … ALL of them), since when they were younger, even Aristotle (Christopher Plummer) makes a comment about them laying together.
Between this and Troy, there has been a markedly shoddy attempt at an epic. Gladiator still reigns supreme as the ultimate sandal-flick. And although Troy wasn’t that great, the action helped it along. This has … well, not much of anything. I only hope that Baz Luhrman’s attempt will be better. From what I understand, his version will focus more on his homosexual “desires”, according to IMDB. Well, I’m not sure how much MORE you could focus on it than this movie, but let’s hope it’s more dramatic and successful.
Pappy
Here’s a quick jab:
Went to a press screening of Oliver Stone's latest opus of self indulgence and digital birds.
There are two good things about the movie Alexander. One: Rosario Dawsons right breast, Two: Rosario Dawson's Left Breast.
Seriously, avoid this movie at all costs, Oliver Stone has now, officially, done too many 'shrooms.
The Noodle That Ate Chicago
And, because it was in my inbox, too, a positive review!
Hello
Just thought I'd add fuel to the Alexander fire. I'm a film critic for my college newspaper and had the chance to Oliver Stone's new film tonight and my biggest response is that this film will be the new test for Attention Deficit Disorder as i had noticed roughly half the people in my theatre squirming and giggling as the film went on and on. But luckily, if you are able to sit maturely for a little under 3 hours, it should be a fairly enjoyable experience for you. I personally found the film to be a moving look at a man and his quest for glory. Some have said that the film lacks a central theme but i disagree in that i found the theme to be about him trying to find a real home away from his parents who used him as a tool against each other. He never felt true love and so he began a quest to find even though it brought all the way across the earth. Others have bitched about the accents in the film but frankly i felt if they didn't really speak english anyway-what does it matter what accent they have? It didn't affect the performance level any and in the end was not much of an issue for me.
What Stone does best with the film though is the visuals. It is incredibley stunning to look at the colors are so vibrant that they leap off the screen and when mixed with the amazing sound of the battles, the combination was a great effect that made the two battles of the film wildly intense and something different than recent historical epics.
The film is not perfect and does drag on a little but it is by far not horrible and well worth a view by people who are willing to give it a chance and not give up half way through because their bums are sore. It is an epic and epics are long. Deal with it or stay home.
While not the best film of the year, it has many great attributes and should probably garner a number of tech oscars nominations and possibly a few acting nods too (Jolie and Kilmer)
Final score: 4 out of 5 stars
Matt DeGroot out
Again... my fingers are crossed. I pray that this is one of those films that just doesn’t click with some viewers but that I adore. I have a soft spot in my heart for Oliver Stone, even (or especially) at his most excessive. We’ll see verrrrrrry soon...
"Moriarty" out.
