SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS: THE MOVIE review

What on Earth was I doing sitting in a theater watching SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS: THE MOVIE?

It all began at 7:45am - Saturday morning. My nephew was spending the night at Geek Headquarters. When I came in the night before, Father Geek and he had been watching Roger Corman's FRANKENSTEIN UNBOUND and talking about the Frankenstein monster - Karloff, Lugosi, Glenn Strange, Lon Chaney Jr, Christopher Lee, David Prowse, and the Frankenstein they just watched. They were talking about why the villagers were tormenting "the monster" - who ultimately just wanted to be left alone... good...

Anyway - it was 7:45am. Now, being the monkey that I was, I'd been up most of the night watching Gil Gerard and Erin Gray in the pilot and 1st episode of that glorious BUCK ROGERS TV series. Ah... Heaven. "I've been doing this since long before you were born" Hehehehehe...

Like I said, it was 7:45am. I'd only been asleep 2 hours - and this fireball of energy came bounding into my room. "WAKE UP HAWE, WAKE UP! SPONGEBOB HAWE, GOTTA SEE SPONGEBOB!" I opened my eyes and saw the time - looked at his beady X-mas morning face gleaming with the dream of a SPONGEBOB movie in his little monkey brain. In his short 4 year life - I'd never been woken up by this urchin with this degree of dream-fed mania. How'd I know it was dreamfed... At one point during my Buck-a-thon, I went to the bathroom and went to check on his log-sawing cadaver, only to find him nestled with MY Miyazaki CATBUS which he had stole from my room... and clutched in his miniature meaty paw... a press pass to SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS: THE MOVIE.

I know next to nothing about this show. I know there's a snail that meows. I know Spongebob is apparently... a sentient sponge. Otherwise - I know nothing of the show.

Now - this kid had only been asleep for a maximum of about 5 and a half hours - yet he was so awake, so charged, so jazzed that he was vibrating through solid objects like Barry Allen on JOLT. This kid was WIRED for this movie.

So, being the Uncle I am... I rolled away from his eyes to face my wall... pulled up the covers and mumbled something about, "leavemealonesleepimportantmumblemumble."

Next thing I know, the great Uncle Mountain had an expedition by a dwarf to plant a flag atop its peak. This kid was bound and determined to awake me. Stumbling out of bed in my best impersonation of Shaun, I was yawny-faced and bleary-eyed. The shower changed that.

While in the shower, the demonchild began banging on the door to the bathroom, "SPONGEBOB HAWEEEEE! SPONGEBOB!"

This was crazy - it's just a lame for infants only toon. This can not possibly be worth my time.

Getting out and getting dressed was interrupted by more door pounding. When I get out - He attacks me. "SPONGEBOB HAWEEEEE!!!"

I look at Fathergeek - and he has the same strange obsessed mania upon his face. "SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS," he sings while doing a crazy eye-crossed goofy face. DEAR LORD, SHOOT ME!

Yes, Father Geek is a SpongeBob Freak. He's been watching it with Giovanni for quite some time now. He claims it is cool. That it isn't worthless. But he's never convinced me with his insane codespeak he shares with Giovanni regarding it all. They launch into a song - I am awaiting the Jet Engine to end it all.

I get in the car, we're entirely too early for this screening. The film begins at 10am, it it 8:20am. Nobody cares about SPONGEBOB.

We arrive at the theater, there's about 50 cars there. Oh God, they do move in herds...

At this point - I've got this Missouri look upon my brow... Show me this Spongebob nonsense Prove it to me.

They hand little mini posters and SpongeBob buying catalogues to the kids. Giovanni looks at the poster and declares it cute. "Granpa" goes for popcorn and a drink for the squirt - and Gio's doing the "Whentheystartdamobie?" chant. I feel... I don't know what I think of this. He's hypercharged for this movie. I have no doubt - he's going to love it. I doubt seriously it will mean "jack" and "shit" to me.

The film begins.

It's live-action avast me maties pirates. A pirate in a dingy is bringing back what looks like a treasure chest. "What the hell is this?," I'm thinking. They get the chest aboard their mighty vessel - blast open the chest... an PULP FICTION - KISS ME DEADLY glow escapes the container.. The one-eyed parrot toting pirate retrieves... Tickets to the SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS movie. -- Then - in their best "Yo Ho, Pirates Life For Me" like demeanor - this salty group of scalawags begin singing the opening title song for SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS.

I have a stunned, goofy expression on my face. I like pirates - singing happy pirates are even cooler. You would have to be the most soulless sod on the bottom of the most stagnant dreary pool of sewer deposited shitwater springs to not love this movie.

It is simply - one of the most gosh gee-whiz fun flicks I've seen in a long time. It's funny, weird, oddly subversive and just LOVE-ME lovable. Everything about it was new to me.

The retarded starfish character, Spongebob and his prozac-eyed manic-effervescence. This annoyed squid manager fella. This evil slug looking thing. Crab-patties, the chum bucket, a sea-diving squirrel thing. What the hell is this?

Then there's Jeffrey Tambor's NEPTUNE - which looks like an underground comix version of a Silly Symphonies Neptune from the 30's. But his daughter, voiced by Scarlett - pant pant drool drool - Johansson, looks like a Daniel Clowes freak show character from GHOST WORLD. Then - the best work Alec Baldwin has done in years as DENNIS a hitman sent to exterminate SpongeBob and his cohort. Then... well then of course there is the mad genius of David Hasselhoff.

Ya know - MTV needs to add "BEST CAMEO ACTOR OF THE YEAR" and give it to Michael Knight. When Hasselhoff pinched off a load of shit in an Airplane in John Waters' A DIRTY SHAME - I thought that there was no way that Hasselhoff could top himself. Well, David is a God in SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS. One could not possibl ruin the gags involving David. They are truly genius. But later - SpongeBob's personal exclamation about Hasselhoff - well, like the Dude's rug, it really ties it all together.

Now - I love David's sequence in the film. But SpongeBob and his Starfish buddy OD-ing at the GOOFY GOOBER club killed me. The Badass Biker Club callback to Goofy Goober was better. The "We Are Men" sequence through the trench of Big Daddy Roth inspired Monsters of the Deep scene is just - modern MINNIE THE MOOCHER fun.

I don't remember looking at my nephew once during this film. Not once. I was that entranced by it. I could not believe what I was watching. In the days since my exposure to this insanity, I find myself singing the Goofy Goober song... over... and over... and over again. So much, that Giovanni has begun to say, "Uncle Hawe Stop!"

Yes - Beware of this film - It's too much fun for Adults - It's only for those with inner goofy goobers, like me.