Hi, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab...
I’m working on my review for this one right now (along with a whole batch of others... should make for one heck of a crowded front page on Monday), but wanted to go ahead and publish this one right now. MiraJeff’s been a regular contributor for a while now, and it’s always nice when he pops in with a new review:
Before 1999’s “Blade,” there hadn’t been a good vampire movie since 1987’s “The Lost Boys.” It is no wonder then, that when the film sank its fangs into the box office, it became a surprise hit and imminent franchise for New Line Cinema. While the Guillermo Del Toro-directed sequel, “Blade II,” was a guilty pleasure, it failed to build on the original’s success. Though the final installment in the trilogy, “Blade: Trinity,” treads familiar ground, it delivers the goods in terms of vampire-ass kicking and scathing sense of humor.
The film begins with a cryptic voice-over; “Everybody knows the movies are full of shit. The truth is it started with Blade and it ended with him.” A team of vampire archaeologists with a knack for map reading then dig up the Dark Prince himself, Dracula (Dominic Purcell), a mean looking son-of-a-bitch who in keeping up with the times, goes by Drake now. The name isn’t as bad-ass as Deacon Frost, but then again, Deacon Frost was a pussy compared to this guy. Drake needs some time to regain his strength, feasting on sacrificial blood fed to him by liaison-to- Dracula, Danica Talos (Parker Posey), a woman so evil “she has fangs located in her vagina,” according to one character.
In the meantime, the Vamps keep surveillance on Blade, disguising human beings as vampires so that when Blade viciously murders them and they don’t disintegrate into ash, the police have the “delusional” slayer caught red-handed on videotape.
Back at the “Batcave” (that’s what it is, kind of) old man Whistler (Kris Kristofferson) invents new gadgetry to keep Blade kicking ass in style, including one of those old “knife on a silver wire” contraptions that are all the rage these days. The Feds, led by James Remar, raid the place and Whistler is bites the bullet, but only after backing up seemingly endless computer files, which are never referred to again, of course. They arrest Blade, drug him up, order a psychiatric evaluation, and wait for the Vampire cavalry to come. Posing as EMT’s, Posey’s Vamp squad arrives, including wrestler Triple H, but they’re not alone.
Enter the Nightstalkers, the best part of the movie, and their double-headed attack, Hannibal King (Ryan Reynolds, aka Van Wilder) and Jessica Biel as Whistler’s daughter. They kick some major ass, especially Biel, whose introductory scene is excellent. She packs some serious weaponry, including a UV crossbow that can cut through vampires like a warm stick of butter, some silver blades that come out of the tip of her boots, and the meanest of all, sarcasm. (A nametag reads, “Hello my name is Fuck You.”) They bail him out and we go back to the Nightstalkers’ frat house where Reynolds is still idling in Van Wilder mode. “We call ourselves the Nightstalkers. We were gonna go with the Care Bears but it was already taken.” At least Hannibal King has credibility in the realm of vampires, since he used to be one. Blind wiz-technician Sommerfield (Natasha Lyonne) created an anecdote and nursed him back to health after he received a vampire bite, courtesy of ex-flame Danica Talos. “Now that’s basically turning a frown upside-down,” he quips. The rest of the crew includes Sommerfield’s daughter, Zoe, and Patton Oswalt in a real “What the fuck is he doing here?” role as the new gadget man, Hedges.
So how about Blade? How’s he doing? Wesley is the same old Snipes, letting his crazy haircut and sword do the talking for him, though the script does throw him some good one-liners. The “Blade” films have never been about the Blade character, and Snipes himself combed through the script with writer/director David S. Goyer, eliminating as much of Blade’s dialogue as possible. Blade isn’t a character who shows his feelings or expresses himself in any means besides death, and I think in his case, “less is more.” Comic book adaptations have saddled characters with too much heavy-handedness, too many lines trying to pull of the whole “with great power comes great responsibility” thing. Goyer, who has written all three “Blade” films and steps behind the camera for the first time on “Trinity,” wisely refrains from this, and the result is fun, hard-hitting movie that never slows down and never gives up. The film is chock full of style, especially the opening and closing credits, and a cool soundtrack courtesy of the RZA adds to the gritty, urban feel.
Certainly fans are wondering what happens to Blade after all the vampires are dead. “I can’t picture you teaching ‘ka-ra-te’ at the local Y,” jokes Hannibal King. “Blade: Trinity” leaves the door to that answer wide open, though hopefully it won’t involve any genetically-mutated Pomerian vampires with giant dicks. I’m not even kidding about that one. You’ll have to see for yourself when the movie is released December 8th.
Performance-wise, sorry but, there’s no Oscar buzz attached to this cast. Newcomers Biel and Reynolds inject new life in the franchise but neither merits their own spin-off. Biel slips between two modes; hot and hotter. She’s a sexy bad-ass with knives that come out of her wrists and a 7th bullet in her gun’s chamber. Her character is a little one dimensional, and Blade appears to have been hurt more by Whistler’s death than his own daughter, but whatever. Hannibal King is a welcome addition and Reynolds looks comfortable in the role of action star, but he gets saddled with too much comic relief. When Posey, looking fresh from an avant-garde photo shoot, asks him if there’s anything he’d like to say before she bites him and turns him back into a vampire, King says, “I ate a lot of garlic and I just farted. It’s silent but deadly.” That’s a good, funny line, nothing wrong with that. But is that believable at all? Is that lazy screenwriting, or is it just playing to the masses? You be the judge. Posey’s character gets lost in the second half of the film, and does absolutely nothing to merit her high-ranking position in the Vampire family. Like, why is she the boss? Why not Triple H, who makes the most of his screen time by flexing his considerable forearms and looking after the well-endowed Pomeranian. Purcell doesn’t have Stephen Dorff’s charisma but his imposing physical presence makes him a worthy foe to Blade. Kudos goes to a favorite of mine, Eric Bogosian, in a cameo as a talk show host named Bentley Tittle. Cool name, huh?
So are there any complaints? Sure. Apple’s Ipod gets a lot of product placement, and the slow-motion zooms to Jessica Biel’s ears (she gets hyped up listening to trip-hoppy grunge, as if killing vampires weren’t enough of a rush) at the outset of fighting scenes gets distracting. Also, what’s with all the vampire tattoos? Is there a special vampire parlor in Vancouver that does this? Furthermore, Drake asks Blade if he is familiar with the Bram Stoker fable illustrating his immortality. Where did he find time to read that one in between being buried and taking over the world, one Canadian province at a time? There are also a lot of weapons stockpiling scenes that the film could do without and a few too many cheesy lines that were well-intentioned but ultimately felt out of place in a “Blade” movie.
In summation, “Blade: Trinity” looks like it will be a success this winter. Fans of the original “Blade” will be satisfied, and those of us who enjoyed its sequel will be impressed. Is it safe that next winter’s “Batman Begins” is safe in the hands of director Christopher Nolan and writer Goyer, because if anything, “Blade” is sharp.
Thanks, man. I’ll weigh in at the start of the week m’self.
"Moriarty" out.
