Wildly positive reviews for VAN HELSING'

Hey folks, Harry here... The slagging on VAN HELSING has seemingly taken on gigantic levels of seeming joy by those that hate it... Whereas the "alleged" supporters dared not send in their reviews... Was it fear of confronting a hostile Talk Back, sharpening their teeth to feast upon the body of this film with glee? Possibly. I like the trailers for this movie... The "I AM HOLLOW" clip on Yahoo was beyond horrible, and the acting in the clips was awfully stiff. However, last night offered a new wrinkle.

First, The Hollywood Reporter's Kirk Honeycutt's wildly positive review... Then there's Variety's Todd McCarthy's so-so even-handed review! Taken in tandem, this paints a wildly divergent picture of VAN HELSING from the abyssmal mountain of mule dung, that seemingly every spy prior to this point in time has said. Todd mentions in his review that audiences will be fiercely divided in their love and hate for the film. Wildly diverging from established histories and mythologies with the characters and with the Universal Symbol itself... well, there is the potential for MASSIVE FAN BACKLASH.

Ok... What about Geeks, Fans, Folks like us... Can they like the film? The answer seems to be "Yes". Here's Bozo The Fucking Clown...

Harry --  

I just wanted to write to you because I'm pissed as hell.  I just got back from the premiere of Van Helsing.  And I'm pissed for a reason your readers may not understand.  It's not because the movie sucked... because it DIDN'T SUCK.  I'm pissed because I expected it to suck.  I had the words "This movie sucks balls" in my head for the first half of the movie.  I'm pissed because all I've read is shitty, shitty reviews.  I'm pissed because I actually let those reviews get to me.  And I'm pissed that I spent half the movie wondering, "How could I actually be enjoying this... I'm not supposed to enjoy this... this movie sucks balls, right?"  

I didn't plan on liking this movie.  I didn't plan on PAYING for this movie.  But I went, figuring, "What the hell... free premiere... free movie... free drinks."  And, so, there I sat, expecting to sit through a piece of shit film and waiting for the gin & tonic at the end of the night.  And I sat there thinking, "Here we go... get through this and you'll get to ogle some C-level starlettes soon enough."  

But, I'll be damned... all of your fucking jaded-ass reviewers were wrong.  I watched and I found myself jump at the scares.  I found myself laughing at the jokes.  And I found myself actually having a good time at the movies.  I thought Dracula was pretty funny... I thought Kate Beckinsale was hot... I thought David Wenham was great... I though Hugh played a perfect pulp action hero.  I don't give a shit how many people are now prepping to write in the talkbacks that say, "Planty, plant, plant... potted leafy thing... blah blah blah"  Fuck them for being too scared of having a positive opinion.  Fuck 'em all.    

I've been reading the site for about 5 years now and I don't blame you, Harry, for cultivating this sense of negativism.  I guess it is much easier to tear down a movie that seeks to entertain (even in the broadest sense) than to praise something that is the essence of going to the movies.  But it's just so fucking sad that we all take shit way too seriously... I cop to it, too... I took the reviews of some half-wits with no sense of fun way too seriously.  

This is a damned fun movie.  I make no bones about it.  And I'll continue to praise it.  I'm a guy who always wanted to be a part of the movies and I suspect that it was all started by a trip to Universal Studios with my parents when I was 5.  Yeah, I remember it.  I've got a picture of me with Frankenstein (some guy who was probably paid nothing to wear a mask and scare 5 year olds).  And, as I got older, I watched those classic monster movies.  They're amazing.  They're great.  I love them.  I continue to watch them occasionally.  But that does not mean that I can't appreciate this one.  No one has shit on my childhood here.  It's a new generation.  It's a new movie.  It's a new age.  And I'd be willing to bet that Tod Browning would use visual effects in HIS movie, if he could have.  

So, that's it.  It took a whole lot of bastards and a really fun movie to get me to write in to you.  And I'll see it again - but this time I won't have the shit-stirring, piss-headed, fuck-for-brains, bastard-children reviews in my head -- and I'll sit back and enjoy a fucking fun ride.  

Thanks for letting me vent.  And, go ahead, amuse me... print this... and maybe someone will get a little motivation to not take all of this too seriously and to have the balls to admit that they appreciated it for what it is.  

-- Bozo the Fucking Clown.

Now - call me crazy... but that really doesn't sound like a plant. The day studios start paying guys named "Bozo The Fucking Clown" to vent and piss on a readership for having no spirit of fun, of being callous cynics that love to tear everything down... And seems to project a geniune sense of shock and amazement at his own sense of joy with the film... WELL... I believe this guy.