Hi, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab...

I just got back from Virgin on Sunset, where I bought that giant Universal Monsters Legacy DVD set with the handpainted Sideshow Toys busts and all the movies about Dracula and Frankenstein and the Wolf Man, and I’m so fucking stoked about working my way through it next week. But the one thing that grinds me is that Stephen Sommers is evidently on the discs, tying in these classic films to his big summer blockbuster. I don’t mind the timing of the release, but did you have to actually put him on the discs? It just seems so cheap.

Especially when you read a review like this one:

Harry,

Oh boy, Harry , Harry, Harry, you say you want to see Van Helsing? I say why? Why put yourself through the torture? Every review I've seen has told the truth about this VERY LARGE and NOT AT ALL in charge piece of BIG budget shit. I saw this turd in the sky last week in the Mid-West area. With not too many people in the theatre, NONE were impressed with it. Getting into the story over and over again is pointless to point of boredom.

Lets just say, with all the money in the world spent on this movie, one would think that ANY script might be a good place to start, this where the whole thing just doesn't come close to working AT ALL. You have to give some props to Jackman and Beckinsale, they try to give this movie some hope, but they are just TOO SERIOUS for everthing else that is going on. The guy who plays Dracula, good GOD, why Lord, why do Studios hire these people, they suck so bad sometimes. They have to see the dailies, and this guy is SO OVERTHE TOP, it makes you wish for William Shatner to show up, at least he's fun to watch. The opening 30 minutes is not too bad, when Van Helsing goes to Transalvania, to shoot down the Shedevils that Dracula unleashes upon the village, ONE would think a semi-auto Cross bow, that shoots a dozen arrows a second you could HIT something( CHEWBACCA would get all kinds of ass at the end of the night if he had this thing). However once this scene is over, the movie pretty much goes with it. Even with this scene, there really is not ONE GREAT standout scene in the entire film. Nothing we haven't seen before, it's really a shame, to see this movie turn out to be nothing anyone will want to see EVER again.

Now there have been worse movies (TIMELINE,anyone?), but let's get serious, why Hugh Jackman did this movie based on the script used, or I mean napkin it was written on, sorry, is really beyond me. This shit is getting old, for every HELLBOY we enjoy, we get The Punisher and Van Helsing to send us right back to the bathrooms with the runs, its some cruel shit the studios turn out these days isn' it?

I don't mean to drift away from the review, the movie really is nothing though, the special effects are nice and the best scene is the opening of the movie with Frankinstein running to the same windmill used in the Army of Darkness, to get away from the towns people only to get blown up by people throwing torches on it. It just does this type of crap over and over, for two hours and five minutes, after an hour you are sure that the pain will be over in 30 minutes, but no you still get one more dreadfilled hour, before you can kill some one in the lobby for selling you the ticket in the first place. Even if the studio gives you $10.00 to watch this, think about this before you go in, ITS LESS PAINLESS TO POKE YOURSELF IN THE EYE FOR 2hrs and 5mins, than to put yourself through this HORSESHIT, DOGCRAP, SHIT INFESTED, MY MOMS POOP DOESN'T SMELL THIS BAD,WATCHING MY DOG LICKS ITS ASS AIN'T NOTHING, I'D RATHER KICK MYSELF IN THE JUNK, I'D RATHER STICK THIS MOVIE UP THE STUDIOS ASS. Get the point Harry, just like NANCY REAGAN used to say " Just say NO". STICK IT TO THE MAN, DO NOT SEE THIS FILM FOR QUALITY REASONS. You have been warned, if you have the guts to put this up on the site, to save people from it, CALL ME

The JLK Dude

Ummmmm… ouch.

"Moriarty" out.