Hey folks, Harry here... I had the insane joy to hang out with Selma Blair for several hours on the set of HELLBOY and she is everybit as wonderful as she seems in the interview. She's quirky in all the best ways one can be quirky. In particular, I find her collection of glass eyeballs to be one of the all time best collections I've heard of a lady ever having. Awesome. Here's Beaks and Selma...
How does one adequately set up an interview in which vaginal dryness becomes the primary topic of discussion? They don’t, really, save for noting that this is Selma Blair in all her off-color glory. Damn the spawn of Zappa who stole her away from me!
Do you think you’ll win the (MTV Movie Award’s) “Best Kiss” again?
I don’t think kissing a devil man is racy enough for MTV. You know what I mean? I think you have to do something more outrageous to get an MTV “Best Kiss”. It would be nice because I think it was a very hot kiss.
It deserves, at least, a nomination.
Maybe a nomination. I think we didn’t have enough tongue for an MTV kiss.
Was there ever a tongue version?
So strange, but… there was tongue! I tongued Hellboy! It’s so gross looking back. We didn’t know, we didn’t know! And Guillermo was like, “What are you two doing!?!?” We’re like, “We’re making out.” And he’s like, “Ew!!!” It was so horrible.
Were you just in the moment?
We were in the moment. It’s a kiss! You go for it!
He could get his tongue through that make-up?
Yeah, they did an amazing job with that make-up.
And they colored his tongue?
No, his tongue was tongue-colored!
Ah.
This is a very important conversation; make sure you’re getting all of this.
Well, while we’re on the story of the tongue…
No, his tongue was all Ron. All Ron, all the time. It was amazing. I don’t know. We did a couple of takes with a little bit (of tongue), a bit more MTV style, but then Guillermo was just like, “You can just chill. It’s not necessary.” And we were like, “Thanks, ‘cause it’s awfully awkward.” But he’s sexy. I think Hellboy is incredibly sexy.
Is that the kind of character that you find sexy?
My first crush, actually, when I was a child was – and I’m not a Trekkie – Spock. I was three years-old, and I thought it didn’t get any better than Spock.
Until Hellboy.
Until Hellboy. I watched it the other night, and I get it. The pointy ears…
Both are demonic looking.
Yes, both are demonic looking. I’m really attracted to Hellboy, *for real*. I thought he was so sexy; his personality is so funny, and he’s got such a great “Aw, Crap” sensibility. Such a macho guy.
Is the tail a turn on?
Nice tail. He’s got a nice tail on him. No, his tail… if he puts his tail on backwards, then…
Well, shit, that’s a whole different shooting match.
Yeah.
How’s your home life right now?
My husband has a very cute little tail, too.
Just a little tail?
It’s a little tail. A *little* tail. (Laughs.) This is so ridiculous.
What’s your sun sign?
My sun sign? I don’t know. I’m a Leo rising. I’m a Cancer. I’m a Cancer, Leo rising. My moon is in… something sexy. What’s a sexy one?
Scorpio?
Might be Scorpio. But I’m not that sexy, I guess. But there were a few tails laying around set. You know, different, swap-out sizes of tails and stuff. And that was one of my favorite things to do, was to, you know, put it on the front of me, walk up to Guillermo, and ask him what I should do next in the scene.
And what did he say?
He was always great. He was always good for a laugh and a hug. He called me “monkey brain”, and told me to take (imitating Guillermo:), “My big cock off.” He didn’t mince words much.
Did you take the tail home with you?
No! Okay, we’re getting into a whole different movie.
You said you fit in pretty well into Guillermo’s twisted universe.
I’ve never felt so at home on a movie set. I love Guillermo so much. I think anyone who meets or speaks to Guillermo has to love him. He’s so passionate and loving and generous. He’s just… God for this type of movie.
Is it true that he knows everything about film?
I think he does.
The producers and Ron Perlman, I think, said something like, “He knows everything about film that there is to know. There isn’t anything he can’t solve.”
Yes, I think so. He was the most mellow man on set, too, because he was so confident that he could do everything. He had been working on this movie, such a labor of love, for so long. He comes in so prepared; he’s sketched everything out. He has journals that are like… the Sistine Chapel. It’s amazing what he does that’s his scrap paper, that gets thrown away at the end of the day that would be considered *my* greatest achievement.
Unlike Ron, you presumably weren’t on set the whole time. Did you get a chance to experience everything Prague has to offer?
Mm-hm. I did. I was off-set… I actually had a month in there where I was left to my own devices. I was kind of “on call” – not being used, but not able to go home. And Prague is gorgeous; an incredible place to visit. So beautiful in the springtime, and one of the darkest, loneliest places I’ve ever been. I probably smoked four packs of cigarettes a day hoping for the good lord to take me away.
You should do tourism commercials for Prague.
It’s so spooky. Really spooky. And the people I met there can drink a hell of a lot.
Did you join them?
I had joined them on a couple of instances. I don’t make it a habit to drink around work time, just so you always feel fresh, and I have dark circles enough, but Liz was a sad sack anyhow. I had a few nights of playing with the locals, and… it just doesn’t feel good.
Did your husband come out to visit you?
I, uh… hadn’t met my husband yet.
When I interviewed you last time, you were complaining about being dateless and boyfriend-less at the time. Now, you’re married, and…
I’ll complain about that a little now. (Laughs.) No, no, no… I love him so much. Obviously, I hope. I met him right when I came home from shooting HELLBOY. He was a Liz Sherman fan, thank god. So, we got married!
How’s married life treating you?
It’s great. I don’t really know him that well yet, so it’s exciting every day. (Laughs.)
What’s his name?
His name is Ahmet Emuukha Rodan Zappa.
What’s it like being a Zappa?
It doesn’t feel that much different from being a Blair. But his family is great. They really love each other, which is so weird for me. They’re all incredibly creative. They have so much fun with life, which is also completely new to me. So, I love it.
How has being married changed you? Do you have a different look on life? On work? On where you work?
I think getting married has given me a focus… and a direction I want to have in my life. And I think having another person that you make such a purposeful bond with has given me the opportunity to see how that can be… with all of the other aspects in my life… I think it’s coming along very nicely. Having kind of a mirror, choosing to have another person in your life all the time, you know, you can see your own behavior, and appreciate theirs. I think I’ve become a lot more mellow and accepting of things. I was an incredible snob before I met him, and he just doesn’t have any room for that type of behavior. He doesn’t believe in that at all. He is joyous, loving and free, and I would have laughed at that before him.
How did you guys meet?
We met through a friend. We met on a blind date… at Hugo’s.
Which one? The one in the Valley or the one in Santa Monica?
The Valley? (Selma snorts derisively.)
That’s not snobbish.
I’m just joking. That’s really the ribbing I give my husband, because he thinks the valley’s great.
And his sister did “Valley Girl”
Oh, god. Don’t remind me. I actually loved that song when I was in sixth grade. I really wanted to be a Valley Girl.
So, you did *not* meet him at the Valley Hugo’s.
No. I had never stepped *foot* in the Valley before I met him. But he’s shown me some of the pleasures of the Valley.
Like what?
Well, um… there’s a Hugo’s in the Valley. I had actually taken these little girls that I babysit, I said, “We’re going to go to the Valley now. We have to go get some supplies in the Valley.” And they got out of the car, and they said, “This is the Valley?” I said, “Yeah, what did you expect?” And they said, “Hail Shrek!” They thought we were going to the Valley, like some magical mysterious place.
You have such interesting coloring. I’m just wondering what your ethnic background is. Is it Middle Eastern or Eastern European perhaps?
Perhaps.
I’m just curious. My wife is Romanian, and I’m just interested.
Yeah, it’s definitely a Middle Eastern… god, Ahmet and I, our children are going to be a lot of eyebrow. Between the two of us, we’re going to have a lot of tweezers. Instead of a silver spoon, it’ll be silver tweezers.
Do you like doing physical comedy? Do you have any interest in doing more of that? I thought THE SWEETEST THING was really underrated (Beaks disagrees vehemently), and I thought you were great in that.
Oh, thank you.
Your sex scene in that was really fabulous.
Actually, that was one of the most comfortable scenes I’ve ever had, bouncing on top of that purple elephant. Literally, it was so comfortable, it was so plush. It was great.
Interesting.
I love physical comedy. I think our bodies are goofy. I mean, I know mine is. They tend to be goofy and ridiculous, and I really understand the awkward. So, I love physical comedy. I don’t really think I have a gift for it. I don’t think of anything in terms of comedy, or not. I think if you just capture a moment that’s awkward, it can be funny. So, if anyone sees me for anything, I’m an actress for hire.
Are you doing a television show? Your name came up in an article about new shows.
We’ll see. I’m working with David Kelley right now. I love his sensibility for the awkward, and the opportunity to get to work every week on a character that has a lot to do… we’ll see if it goes. Right now, it’s called THE DEMARCO AFFAIRS, and I’m terribly excited, and I don’t know what will happen with that.
Are you the lead, or is it an ensemble?
I would say it’s an ensemble. I was the first one in, so they make you feel like you’re the lead. But with t.v., you never know what an audience responds to. There are some amazing actors in it, so we’ll see.
Did you have any interest in comic books before you got involved in this, or was this a completely new experience for you?
No. Completely new experience. BATMAN… I was actually a BATMAN fan. The comics. But this was it. Guillermo introduced me to the world, and I became a huge SANDMAN fan. I really would love to play Death. I love Death.
I could see that. Didn’t you think the new SANDMAN they released was crap? (Not my question, as I haven’t read the new SANDMAN release.)
Well, I won’t call it “crap”.
Why not?
I have tape recorders in my face! I’m not going to say anything against someone I’d love (to work with).
Neil Gaiman will read this interview and go, “Who’s this Selma Blair!?!?”
He doesn’t even know who I am. I’m not even up for anything, so I’ll just keep it real smiley.
Aren’t they talking about making it into a movie?
Yeah, Warner Brothers, which has never employed me, so… great!
They might now if this movie’s a huge hit.
Well, I think HELLBOY was so incredible. I got into it right away, and this is not the type of movie I thought I’d normally see, but I would now. Not just because I’m in it. I think it’s great!
Are you signed for a sequel?
Mm-hm. We’ll see how it does, I guess. I hope it does well.
Are you more than willing to go back into that world again?
Yes. I’m much better equipped.
Will we see more tongue in the sequel? (Folks, I ain’t asking these questions.)
I think you’ll see nothing but tongue in the sequel.
That’s Guillermo’s concept for the next movie. “It’s very tongue heavy.”
Yeah.
Now that you’ve become Mrs. Hellboy, does that mean you’ll put on all the red body paint?
No! You know better than that. Liz isn’t going to do that.
What will their kids be like?
I’d like to know, too.
Let’s just hope the tail’s in the back. If it’s a girl. Do you like working with tentacles?
No, tentacles actually scared me on the Sammaels. In person, those tentacles were so scary. None of that was CGI, they were all real. Actually, tentacles made me turn into a vegetarian. I’m not anymore, but in high school we were dissecting squid, and…
When did you revert back to meat?
On a trip to New Zealand, on the plane I ate a lamb chop. Of all things.
Do you not like sushi?
I don’t love sushi. I watch way too many shows on The Discovery Channel about parasites and tentacles. Ew. No, I don’t love sushi.
The beauty editor of my magazine demanded that I ask you these questions, but I’m sure it’s one that everyone has been wondering (we’re a room full of guys, remember). What are your three can’t-live-without make-up products for Spring? (The room “ohs” and “ahs”. My attempt to be witty is, “I just can’t believe you asked Larry Gordon that.”)
My beauty… oh, god. How about some “Egyptian Magic”? That’s a real product by the way. It’s such a big deal now.
You could be lying, and I wouldn’t even know.
No, no, it’s real! It’s great for guys, too. You can get it anywhere. It’s good for – it says on the back – it’s good for everything from chapped hands to vaginal dryness.
Whoa. Vaginal dryness for guys.
Athlete’s Foot! It says that.
(Everyone’s atwitter at Selma’s broaching of the ol’ vaginal dryness card.)
Okay, can we take that back? It says it on the back of the bottle. I don’t want to be associated with vaginal dryness. (Laughs.)
(One of the other journalists makes a show of writing down, “She does not want to be associated with vaginal dryness.”)
That was a bad moment. But anyhow… how about Lancome?
(Okay, the interview gets even more out of hand for a bit as the US MAGAZINE dude gets his beauty tips. It finally gets back on track with the following question.)
Your character in this movie seems to have a more difficult decision than Hellboy. Hellboy can’t conceal who he is, so he really has no chance to fit in, but you do.
I think it is, because Liz looks normal. She obviously has a tortured mind and a tortured past, doesn’t know how to make a step in either direction; (she) embraces the freak world, but she doesn’t feel like she has enough control. Then she sees John Meyers, who’s a real boy close to her age, and thinks, “This is my opportunity to be normal.” But she’s not. She only feels comfortable with Hellboy, but she doesn’t want to live in that world. I think she’s really torn, because she’s both worlds, whereas Hellboy is obviously just one.
Did you ever feel that way in your life when you were younger?
I think we all feel like misfits when we open our mouths sometimes. (Laughs.) My mother always dressed me very conservatively, and was like, “Preppy is your best bet!” Definitely my outward appearance was very conservative and very preppy and classic. Then I’d open my mouth, and it was just a nightmare. It was more off-putting than if I would’ve just put a sign on saying, “I’m a freak.” I was a bit shocking, but my sensibility is always towards the classic and the beautiful. And then there will be this truck driver who comes out.
How does John Waters compare to Guillermo as a director?
They’re both incredibly passionate and creative. They’re pioneers with what they’re doing. I think Guillermo’s a complete pioneer with what he’s done with special effects and incorporating it into this fantasy world of movies. I think he’s really raised the bar. And John Waters, you know, raised the bar for being shocking. He was the first one that really did it.
He was shocking in the beginning, but now he’s become more—
Well, now the world… I don’t think he’s become more conservative, I think we’ve just been inundated with shock schlock. His place in moviemaking has just changed because so many people have adopted what he set out to do. But the similarities are that they’re both incredible men who took a chance on putting me in their movie. Guillermo saw me as something that could be very still and quiet and tortured as this character, something that I’m not normally seen as. And John Waters saw me as a girl with incredibly large breasts, which no one has seen me as either.
Really?
Yeah. I play a girl named Ursula Udders, with the largest breasts in tarnation.
How did it feel spending time on the set with large breasts.
Just right. It was just right. I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
Did you shoot the film in Baltimore?
Of course.
I’m from Baltimore (I’m not), and I know Baltimore really well. How about Club Charles? Did you ever go there?
Yeah, of course I went to Club Charles with him. I also went to Atlantis. Ever been there?
I haven’t been there.
The male strip club. (It’s) amazing. Right next to the penitentiary.
Did you get tea-bagged?
No, but other people did. Oh, please! Like *I* would get tea-bagged. No! But a man was dancing on the stage – John Waters story – a man dancing on the stage, full nudity only wearing bobby socks because that’s the only place he could put the money. It’s a gay bar, but I’m there. Oddly enough, there was a bachelorette party there; I’m like, “What are you thinking?” And this man comes over, and, I mean, they’re doing everything: the finger – try and print this (okay) – in the cornhole, out, everywhere. Shocking. On stage, this young gay boy… he’s putting his fingers in every part of his body, and then he starts dancing in front of me. He looks at me, squats, and goes, “Hey, I know you!” And extends his hand. And John whispers, “Go ahead! Take it.”
(Everyone laughs.) Did you?
Yeah! I’m with John Waters, what are you going to do? Act all prissy?
This movie sounds more tawdry than some of his more recent movies, so it sounds like he might be getting back to the nasty stuff.
Yeah, it’s pretty joyous and loving, though. I mean, we’re a ton of sex addicts, and some of these sequences… but it’s Tracey Ullman and Chris Isaak! It’s funny, it really is. That woman can do no wrong, so I’m excited to see it.
That must’ve been great for you, working with Tracey Ullman.
Mm-hm. I love her.
Were you kind of taking notes while you worked with her?
Yeah, she’s so inspiring. I’m crazy about her. She’s an amazing kisser.
Is that going to be an MTV nominee, too? (Laughs.)
No, no. We didn’t have a kissing scene in the movie.
(Silence falls over the room.) Wait.
I’m just joking!
Frankly, I’m still not sure she was. And it’s not like a girl-on-girl scenario featuring Tracey Ullman is all that hot. Maybe twenty years ago when she was doing the pop music singer bit. Maybe. I’m confused and not aroused.
For the deaf, dumb and blind, HELLBOY opens on Friday, April 2nd.
Faithfully submitted,
