If you've never seen the original 1955 British masterpiece THE LADYKILLERS starring Alec Guinness, don't, at least not until you've savored every deliciously decadent frame of the Joel and Ethan Coen's (who are, for the first time, credited as co-directors and co-producers) gloriously evil redo. As you sit and watch this masterpiece, a thought will likely cross your mind: this is the film the Coen Brothers have been working toward. This is the culmination of all that is good about these darkly rich filmmakers. The Brothers Coen have assembled the perfect cast in the perfect location (baptist-centric Georgia), the perfect situation (a very OCEAN'S 11-ish underground casino robbery), and the perfect music (again pulled together by T-Bone Burnett of O BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU? and COLD MOUNTAIN fame) to make their most perfect movie. I know some of you Coen diehards will cry foul at this claim. You'll say that this isn't an original screenplay, which seems sacrilegious when you consider that the Coen Brothers are two of the best writers working today. Trust me, this film is as original as it gets, even if the premise is borrowed from some pretty solid source material. You'll whine that by enlisting Tom Hanks and not casting any of their regularly used troop of actors, the Coens have lost their indie credibility. Horsecrap! Hanks reminds us what we should be ashamed to have forgotten: he is the single greatest comedic actor alive today. He made me laugh so often and without telling a single joke. His performance is the stuff of legend. So all you Coen purists, get over yourself. THE LADYKILLERS will knock your smelly socks right the hell off.

Hanks plays Prof. Goldtwait Higginson Dorr, Ph.D., a man of letters, who loves his poetry and dressing like Robert E. Lee apparently. His teeth are a mess, his goatee is perfectly groomed, and his manners are impeccable. He smooth southern manners are also top notch, and he uses them to great effect when he knocks on the door of the widow Marva Munson (a Chicago force of nature named Irma P. Hall, who some of you may remember as Big Mama in SOUL FOOD), an elderly black woman who is a faithful churchgoers (a wonderful excuse to hear some great gospel music) and typically sits in her living room under an extremely expressive painting of her late husband. Mrs. Munson has a room to let, and Prof. Dorr wants to rent it. He informs her that he's a member of a small band of musicians who play renaissance-era religious music and wonders if he might invite the group to her house to rehearse in the root cellar. She agrees along as there's no loud rap music (which she refers to constantly as "hippity-hop music") and no smoking in the house. As you probably know, Hanks and his band of merry men are actually criminals using the earthen walls of the root cellar as an easy way to dig a tunnel from Mrs. Munson's house to the offices of a nearby riverboat casino's counting house. Other members of this gang are explosives expert J.K. Simmons as Mr. Pancake (there's a scene with him accidentally killing a dog with a gas mask that is a scream); Tzi Ma as a digging expert (a skill he picked up in his native Indochina) known only as The General; Ryan Hurst as the thankless brute strength of the group named Lump; and the mouthy janitor Marlon Wayans as Gawain, the inside man at the casino whose every utterance contains at least 10 curse words. He swipes every scene he's in out from under whoever is in the room.

Most of the film involves in-fighting among the gang members, tricking Mrs. Munson to get her out of the house when the use of explosives is required, and finding new and original ways of concealing their thieving deeds from everybody. When Tom Hanks speaks in THE LADYKILLERS, the rest of the world goes silent. His mannerisms, accents and gestures almost force you to listen intently. At first you think he's putting on these airs to charm the old lady, but you soon realize that this is who this guy is: a scholarly, old-fashioned southern gentleman with an solid criminal streak. On the other hand, Irma Hall is a blessing. When you see her act, you don't see her act. Everything about her looks and feel natural, as if they found this wonderful woman walking down the street and just pointed cameras on her. I've seen her in other films and in plays here in Chicago before, and she never ceases to floor me with her effortless performances. The supporting gang members are terrific too. Simmons and Wayans will be remembered because they have the most lines, but you can't ignore the two men of few words. The General's dialogue consists of one or two words at a time, and Lump's idiot lines are essentially variations on the word "Duh!" But both have their great moments. Among all of these clashing personalities, your eyes cannot help but drift back to Hanks. You always wonder how he's going to react to Wayans' string of obscenities or the threat of violence between two members of his crew. You can always see the wheels turning behind his eyes. He has, once again, created a character that will be remembered and celebrated by film lovers everywhere. Prof. Door needs waffles just to think straight. Does it get any better than that? THE LADYKILLERS delivers on every promise of greatness Hanks and the Coen Brothers have ever wordlessly made to us. Revel in it, people.

SCOOBY DOO 2: MONSTERS UNLEASHED

One of the most visually stunning, emotionally perfect films I've seen in years I saw over this past weekend. ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND is not confusing for those who bother to pay attention and revel in the rare opportunity to open you brain as well as your heart to a film. In ETERNAL SUNSHINE, a broken hearted Jim Carrey goes through a surgery of sorts that removes all memory traces of ex-girlfriend Kate Winslet. In a related story, I saw SCOOBY DOO 2. You may not be aware but I self-performed a surgery similar to that in ETERNAL SUNSHINE right after I saw the original, live-action SCOOBY DOO movie a couple years ago. Gone was the bad acting, the god-awful special effects, the piss-poor interpretations of characters that I actually loved as a child. Gone, even, was the memory that I had endured another film starring "special needs" actor Freddie Prinze Jr.

So as I plopped my sorry behind in the seat last Saturday morning to see SCOOBY DOO 2, I honestly couldn't remember just how miserable I was for the first film. The good news for anyone contemplating checking this film out when it opens this Friday is that, in fact, it isn't as unbearable as the original. Surprisingly enough, SCOOBY DOO 2 reminded me more of an actual episode of the Scooby Doo cartoon than the first film. The jokes were a little more adult, as veiled drug and sexual references seem to have made it in this time. Be sure to check out very butch female members of Velma's fan club in the film's opening red carpet sequence. And I'm 99.9 percent sure the stoners in the crowd shots were clapping for Shaggy. The members of Mystery Inc. are now heroes in the city of Coolsville after defeating faux ghost after faux ghost. The local museum (currated by Seth Green as Patrick, who is as taken with Velma as her lesbian fan base is) is even opening an exhibit displaying the costumes of the defeated baddies (many of which loyal viewers of the television series will recognize). But during the grand opening, the party is crashed by a couple monsters bent on stealing the costumes. When Mystery Inc. fails to stop the destruction and theft, a local T.V. reporter (Alicia Silverstone) spins the story to make the kids look at fault, so they set out to discover the identity of the thief and clear their name.

Let's got through this one-by-one. Freddie Jr. is still as bland and talentless as ever, but it somehow suits him in his role as Fred. His handing out of ascots instead of autographs to his fans is kind of funny, but that's about as high as the comedy gets with him. For "Buffy" fans, you may get a kick out of seeing Sarah Michelle Gellar's Daphne get to high kick some monster butt again, and having Seth Green in the film with her is cool except I don't think they say two words to each other in the whole movie. Matthew Lillard certainly seems a bit more at east acting with a CGI dog (that still looks incredibly fake, by the way), but something bugged me less about him this time around. I particularly liked his quick whippit hit off a can of whipped cream.

The absolute best part of SCOOBY DOO 2 is Linda Cardellini as Velma. There's a sequence with her trying to be more sexy and alluring to Green that killed me. They've got her poured into a red leather jump suit that got me squirming and may put a little ecoplasm in your pants if you're not careful. But beyond the hot get-up, Cardellini actually seems to be trying harder to pull together a real character from Velma's two-dimensional origins. She's a genuine treat to watch here. Others in the supporting cast are largely wasted. Peter Boyle embarrasses himself as Old Man Wickles, an ex-baddy trying to turn a deserted mine shaft into a theme park. He look old and lost. Tim Blake Nelson is Dr. Jacobo, another former foe of the kids who supposedly died breaking out of prison, but we know better. Nelson is barely in the film and is completed underused. More than the awful Scooby Doo effects, I actually liked the way the ghostly creatures were portrayed. In particular the monster made of tar was pretty sweet, but since special effects aren't scary, they exist here simply to keep you mind from realizing that the story of a machine that can turn the missing costumes into actual ghosts and monsters is stupid as shit.

Capone

Send me CG Scooby mounting Velma Shots Now!