Hey folks, Harry here with a little Valentine’s Day Viewing Recommendations. Now, I know… taking romantic advice from a grotesque geek such as I would normally be tantamount to learning to invest from the homeless, but at the very least you may find yourself entertained at my ludicrous standards of amore.
As a Geek, we tend to have different standards by which we label the ROMANTIC FILM. Your hardcore geeks that often date their Zatanna action figure (mine is right behind my computer standing next to Mothra and behind a carved marble Harry fetish doll from Norway), well… these hardcore geeks tend to recognize the love and understanding between doomed leads like Ripley and Hicks in ALIENS or PORCO ROSSO and that lovely lady at the café… well, we compare it to the greatest cinematic loves like Rick and Ilsa from CASABLANCA or Garbo in CAMILLE. So, what I’m going to do is divide up this pulsating heart list into varying degrees of passion. From the repressed to the excessive. From G to NC-17. This won’t really be like any Valentine’s Day recommendation page you’ve ever read before, but then… Fuck it, I’m Harry, I do what I want. Here ya go lovers…
Black & White Sultry Love
THE TARZAN TRILOGY –
The first three Johnny Weismuller TARZAN movies are hot. I know that sounds like lunacy, but ultimately, they are all about a single woman falling in love with a wild jungle man, throwing off her Victorian clothes and wearing animal skins to live in the trees with her man Tarzan, who takes her often.
The series began with TARZAN, THE APE MAN. This first film has Tarzan essentially stealing Jane, as played by the lovely Maureen O’Sullivan, away from her expedition only to find her falling in love with her… Ape Man. The chemistry between these two are fantastic. However, in TARZAN AND HIS MATE finds Jane joining her monkey man in the animal skins and it is hot. When Johnny babysat me as a child, he once told my parents a story about climbing up a tree after Jane and having a problem, as she was truly wearing nothing under the loin cloth and as he climbed up the tree after her… well, snootchie cootch his mighty… ahem kept pushing aside his own loincloth, till the production was forced to tie down his loin snake. That story aside, the film is wonderful, one of the greatest “2nd” films of all time. That was followed by TARZAN ESCAPES which has some of the most amazing sensual moments in film history. Jane is leaving Tarzan and promises she’ll return, but before she leaves, Tarzan and Jane spend one last day together. There is a scene, a shot… where Weismuller is about to make love to her. The angle is from laying in the grass as Jane is and Tarzan coming down, and he has, “I’m Gonna Give You The Best Fucking Of Your Life” eyes, and we reverse to Jane, who has, “Please Give Me The Best Fucking Of My Life” eyes… and zowee, it is just fucking hot! So hot that basically they caused the Hays Office to start their censorship ways. The fuckheads! The scene is the hottest PG love scene, you’ll ever see. And the nude swim is pretty outstanding, as is all the violence and animal stunts throughout!
The Problem is… they’re not available on DVD – the links I have there are for the Videos, as MGM or whoever owns the rights these days, have not put the TARZAN FILMS out! Hopefully these wonderful films will be available for some Valentine’s Day in the future. I have em on 16mm, cuz… well, I’m a geek.
CAMILLE
The love between Garbo’s Marguerite and Robert Taylor’s Armand in this astonishingly red hot poker of romance, directed by George Cukor… well, it is amazing. Garbo’s voice alone is the type of voice that reaches into one, and squeezes the tear ducts and you find your hands clasped to your chest weeping for her love. Garbo is the very embodiment of femininity in this film. The dialogue is classic and the film is grand in all the ways of a classy MGM production from 1936. Again we have a film that is not on DVD, but should be. Garbo must be experienced to be understood. Her features, voice and performance are unforgettable. By the way, this is another one I had to buy in 16mm… fucking studios.
BELLE ET LA BETE – aka Cocteau’s BEAUTY AND THE BEAST
Of all black & white tales of love, this version of the fairy tale, BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, is perhaps the most transcendental. Cocteau’s production design and imagination in this film are beyond reproach. In my opinion, nothing done by modern cinematic surrealists like Gilliam or Burton has ever come close to capturing the beauty of this film. For one, the make up on Jean Marais is classic. Absolutely classic. The ethereal beauty of Josette Day and the dream she seems to be in throughout this film is something to marvel at. Perhaps the most beautiful black & white film ever shot. The restoration on the latest Criterion release is a marvel.
THE APARTMENT
I had stayed away from this movie for years as it sounded like a bad plotline for a sitcom. Then I saw it, and for the past decade or so, I’ve been in love ever since. This is the film that when you look at the modern Nora Ephron type of film, that makes you angsty. That makes ya wish that for the last 25 years of Billy Wilder’s life, they… the powers that be… had given him that budget and Tom Hanks to work with. It is a tragedy that so many films and filmmakers that are living are pretty much forgotten in their time by those that could help them continue their life’s work. Thank god film and it’s fans have a memory. THE APARTMENT is one of the greatest films ever made. C.C. Baxter and Fran Kubelik and Mr. Sheldrake and C.C.’s loaner of an apartment… it is classic. That line, “I used to live like Robinson Crusoe, shipwrecked among 8 million people, but one day I saw a footprint in the sand and there you were” Yeah, it kinda gives ya goosebumps.
NOTORIOUS
This is another of those films that really makes you not want to live in Seattle, what with all the cups of coffee… ya know. GOD – I love this film. So many of Hitch’s black & white films are overlooked in favor of his color flicks. If you love CASABLANCA and you fell for Ilsa, well, Ingrid Bergman is every bit as lovely and amazing as she was in that film. Here, she is used by a CIA agent (played by Cary Grant) that is placing her into the Argentinian Underground Nazi Society to ferret out some… dastardly plot that they’re all hatching. To do this, she must pretend to fall in love with Claude Rains, a Nazi, and live in his house with him… all the while she loves Cary Grant, and all he can see her as is a whore that’s fucking a Nazi, and she believes that’s what he wants her to be, so she does it, hoping that he tells her to stop, but everyone is so goddamn duty bound that it gets seriously fucked up. Your heart will soar! Even as your nails get shorter!
LOVE FUCKS YOU ALL UP!!!
KING KONG (1933)
Perhaps the greatest love story of all time. How many of us geeks feel like King Kong, too big to be loved, too furry to be felt… yes. This is a cautionary tale. When the people that worship you offer up a blonde for you to love, turn away, because while that love you find in her sultry chaste eyes is beautiful… she’ll never consummate it. Eventually that blonde will lead you to the top of the world, only to watch you be machine-gunned to death and in your dying moments, her cheating floozy heart will pitter patter against the chest of some goddamn chiseled good looking son of a bitch. Crowds will gather around your corpse and some showbiz charleton will come along and say some purty words about how beauty killed the beast, once again labeling your dying hide as your blood runs into the biggest gutter system known to man. Yeah, love fucks you all up! Because we live in a cruel world, this film is not on DVD!
THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN
Yet another of the greatest love stories of all time! For those that don’t believe there’s someone for everyone, the despair of passion strikes even you. Though you be pieced together from the remains of the dead, stiched and clamped, stapled and prodded… Enough electricity coursing through your veins to send Marty McFly back in time, yet where is your love? You demand that the god that created you create one to love. He does. Then even then. Even a newborne life of dead tissue won’t accept you. Even the reanimated corpses of a dozen dead whores rejects you. Makes you utter, “WE BELONG DEAD!” But even then, later in life you learn that the Bride of Frankenstein fucking married the Hunchback of Notre Dame and you’re left jerking your electrode till it sparks its last spark!
THE ABOMINABLE DR PHIBES
While the pains of love can hurt, they can also bring you back to life. THE ABOMINABLE DR PHIBES is a classic story of love and what one will do for it. Watching Dr Phibes’ brilliant revenge plot unfurl – will show the one you love what you will do when she dies. How far you’re willing to go. Exactly what her love means to you. If, perchance, she dies on an operating table, you will kill all involved in the most devious and precise manners known to only a few obscure super-brains. You will hunt them down, though you have lost your voice, though your face has become skeletal and you will rise and fall back into her cold embrace to the music you both loved. Yes, love will fuck you up, but it will make you badass as hell!
THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN
Seemingly very different from the above group, but trust me, Love Fucks You All Up in this one. I thought I had seen it, but then at Butt-Numb-A-Thon – a tiny little man gave me this movie and said… I mean he squeaked, “iNjoeee!” Slipping it in the ol player one night, I was quite taken with the film. Eli Roth commonly tongue wags about this one, but I always thought this was supposed to be sub-Porky’s 2 – but wow, this thing kicks teeth in. The gal is yummy as hell, the friends are typical and as always, love fucks ya all up!
PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE
Brian DePalma’s PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE is the greatest romantic horror rock opera comedy of all time! A riff on the PHANTOM OF THE OPERA and THE DEVIL AND DAN WEBSTER mixed with the exact right touch of GLAM ROCK! This film is a marvel. The faustian tunes penned by Paul Williams are classics. He sold his soul for rock-n-roll, but died for the unrequited love of Phoenix. I personally love this film over BLOW OUT and OBSESSION, it’s just a difference in tastes. I deeply love the music to this film, along the exact same lines that every note of NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS is etched into my cholesteral choked heart. Speaking of…
Love Is Magical!!!
THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS
My personal favorite film of the nineties. Sally’s love for Jack is one of those wondrous, magical things. The anti-Bride of Frankenstein in many ways. Some mad scientist stitches together an assistant, brings her to life, and she falls for the deluded wannabe Santa man, whom she wishes would stick to scaring the snot out of tykes everywhere. I love it. When she flings herself out that window, and begins stitching herself back together again. That final embrace on the unfurling bluff-top… perfection. Of course, my problem is, I keep picturing myself not as Jack, but as the guy with the axe stuck in his head muttering, “BUNNY!”
SEX AND LUCIA
In the realm of magical, hot, hot, hot romantic films, SEX AND LUCIA by Julio Medem may very well be one of the most astonishingly erotic films of all time. Now, I’ve got a treat for all of you. For 5 of you lucky geek lovers out there, I’m going to grant you not only a fantastically erotic DVD of SEX AND LUCIA, but an Autographed poster signed by Paz Vega, Lucia herself! All you have to do is send a picture of you and your significant other to harry@aintitcool.com with a funny caption on the image. You should also include your shipping address so that you can get, what will most certainly be the beginnings of a very hot night for you two! If you’ve never seen the mud scene… or the park bench scene… or gosh, just about any scene in this thing. And the magic of the floating island and what it stirs in us humans… bliss!
GIRL ON A BRIDGE
I love this film. This is a film about perfect dangerous all-consuming love. Daniel Auteuril and Vanessa Paradis (Mrs. Depp – but don’t hate her, hate him, she rules) play to luckless lost souls. Daniel is a knife thrower. She’s not much of anything. Together there is nothing they can’t do, no game of chance they won’t win. The fortunes smile upon their existence. Together they rule the fates, apart they’re a hair from death, choking on the fumes of lovelost oxygen. Simply perfect. If you loved AMELIE, you’ll love this! Unfortunately in Region 1 – this doesn’t exist on DVD – but it does exist on Video. This, I do not understand. How this isn’t out on DVD is stunning!
MANHATTAN
ANNIE HALL is too easy of a choice for most folks, personally… I choose MANHATTAN. The choice of intellectual love or true love. Love in spite of what others would say, or how things would look. Love because the souls are entwined, because that love is pure and simple and true. Woody Allen, curse him, put me in a trap where I saw my own life in this hang up… it all ended badly, because… well I have a stupid penis. (Is there any other kind?) Anyway, I always pray that the Woody of this film lived happily ever after with his Mariel, but I’m just not sure if that’s quite what I believe happens any more. I still hold on to the hope that it works, after all, that’s what faith is all about.
And For The Desperate Lonely Degenerates That Want To See Tentacle Fucking, Naked Lady Playing Video Games and other really sick shit…
DEMONLOVER
Here ya go… If you’re into bondage, nipple clamps, humiliation and degradation. If you liked the teeth on the nether-regions and a bit of blood from time to time… Or if you have never had sex, but think all of that sounds peachy… well I’ve got 5 of these to give away too. All you have to do is send the nastiest sexual image you can find to MoriartyAICN@Yahoo.Com and your return address and we’ll send you your DEMONLOVER dvd to watch as you use a straight razor on your privates you sick bastards! This isn’t love, it’s torture!
There ya go. That’s my list for this year. By no means is that a complete list of the romantic films I’m fond of, nor is it even the greatest. It is simply the titles that at this moment on this night, just a few days before Valentine’s Day… well, it’s what I’m thinking of. Oh – one last film. This one is for all of you guys out there that just never can keep the same girl for long. You might find something in common with:
