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UPDATED!! Those Fabulous Golden Globes!!

I am – Hercules!!

"[The Golden Globes] are a joke."
-- Washington Post reporter Sharon Waxman

“[The Golden Globes honor] who kisses butt best."
-- A former Golden Globe nominee

“[The Golden Globes represent a case of] let's sell the public a lie"
-- Producer Michael Phillips

“Never mind that the [Golden Globe] is considered a joke, given the dubious credentials of the 90-odd foreign journalists who pick the winners.”
-- Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

“Respect? Not much, especially from other journalists, who have publicly called [the Golden Globes voters] moochers, boneheads and bottom-feeders.”
-- Andy Seiler, USA Today

“[The Golden Globe voters are] freeloaders who would sell their votes for a vodka tonic and cross the Alps for a hot dog.”
-- Film historian Aljean Harmetz

You say the Oscars are looming and your new movie’s getting ignored by the New York, Chicago and Los Angeles film critic association awards?

Maybe you need to start gathering together those buffets, junkets and screeners for the Hollywood Foreign Press Association (HFPA), whose members vote for the Golden Globes!

Most everyone has heard of the Globes, but far fewer have heard of the people who vote for the Globes. Little is known about them, but they’re most famous perhaps for nominating the 1982 Pia Zadora vehicle “Butterfly” for three Golden Globes (Pia herself took home the GG trophy for “best new star in a motion picture”).

Meanwhile, when legitimate journalists representing respected foreign publications like LeMonde seek to join the HFPA, their applications are soundly and repeatedly rejected.

The Globe folks still have the public so hoodwinked that the studios fall all over themselves to curry the favor of the HFPA membership. And the stars show up for the award ceremony because there’s free food and drink, $26,000 goodie bags, starlets and copious ass-slathering to be had.

The HFPA then nets millions ($2.1 million in 2001; $3.6 million in 2003, according to Thursday’s Variety) by selling its ceremony telecast to NBC. And because the hausfraus of America must learn what J-Lo and Camryn Manheim are wearing this year, it’s NBC money well spent.

8 p.m. Sunday. NBC.

UPDATED!! Some talkbackers make prideful note that the GGs best picture winners are usually the same as the Oscars' best picture winners. I have two things to say about this:

1) What a load of horseshit. The Golden Globes don't award a "best picture"! They award a "best drama" and a "best comedy or musical." One of these usually takes an Oscar. But sometimes the Globes fail to predict the Oscar winner even when they take these two guesses!

2) Who gives a shit what wins the Oscar?? The Oscars are voted on by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, a body that might be more accurately dubbed the Hollywood Senior Citizen Society. At the ceremony the Academy-controlled TV cameras always show you Tom Cruise, Ashton Kutcher and Hilary Swank. But think about the voters you never see: a group so suffused with dotty cronies (think Carmine Caridi) and aged starlets (hello, Stella Stevens!) you wouldn't trust them to direct you to the Kodak Theatre, let alone ask them what film you should next see.

Here's what was chosen by individuals and organizations Herc respects far more than the Golden Globes’ Hollywood Foreign Press Association or the Oscars' Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences.

And look! They all picked "Return of the King" and/or "Lost in Translation" as one or more of the year's top films long before the bullshit Golden Globes did!!

Los Angeles Film Critics Awards:

BEST PICTURE: “American Splendor”
Runner-up: “Lost in Translation”

DIRECTOR: Peter Jackson: "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King"
Runner-up: Clint Eastwood: "Mystic River"

ACTRESS: Naomi Watts, "21 Grams"
Runner-up: Charlize Theron, "Monster"

ACTOR: Bill Murray, "Lost in Translation"
Runner-up: Sean Penn, "21 Grams" and "Mystic River"

SCREENPLAY: Shari Springer Berman & Robert Pulcini, "American Splendor"
Runner-up: Steven Knight, "Dirty Pretty Things"

SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Shohreh Aghdashloo, "House of Sand and Fog"
Runner-up: Melissa Leo, "21 Grams"

SUPPORTING ACTOR: Bill Nighy, "AKA","I Capture the Castle", "Lawless Heart" & "Love Actually"
Runner-up: Benicio Del Toro, "21 Grams"

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM: Patrice Leconte, "The Man on the Train"
Runner-up: Fernando Meirelles, "City of God"

DOCUMENTARY/NON-FICTION FILM: Errol Morris, "The Fog of War"
Runner-up: Andrew Jarecki, "Capturing the Friedmans"

PRODUCTION DESIGN: Grant Major, "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King"
Runner-up: William Sandell, "Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World"

ANIMATION: Sylvain Chomet, "The Triplets of Belleville"
Special Citation to the Disney restoration of the Walt Disney/Salvador Dali short, "Destino."

MUSIC/SCORE: Benoît Charest, "The Triplets of Belleville"
Runner-up: Christopher Guest, John Michael Higgins, Eugene Levy, Michael McKean, Catherine O'Hara, Annette O'Toole, Harry Shearer, and Jeffrey C.J. Vanston, "A Mighty Wind"

CINEMATOGRAPHY: Eduardo Serra, "Girl with a Pearl Earring"
Runner-up: Harris Savides, "Elephant"

NEW GENERATION: Scarlett Johansson

CAREER ACHIEVEMENT: Robert Altman

INDEPENDENT/EXPERIMENTAL: Thom Andersen, "Los Angeles Plays Itself" & Pat O'Neill, "The Decay of Fiction"

The New York Film Critics Circle Awards:


BEST PICTURE: “The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King”
DIRECTOR: Sofia Coppola, “Lost In Translation”
ACTRESS: Hope Davis, “American Splendor”/ “The Secret Lives of Dentists”
ACTOR: Bill Murray, "Lost in Translation"
SCREENPLAY: Craig Lewis, “The Secret Lives of Dentists”
SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Shohreh Aghdashloo, "House of Sand and Fog"
SUPPORTING ACTOR: Eugene Levy, “A Mighty Wind”
FOREIGN FILM: "City of God"
NON-FICTION FILM: "Capturing the Friedmans"
ANIMATION: "The Triplets of Belleville"
CINEMATOGRAPHY: Harris Savides, "Elephant"/ “Gerry”
BEST FIRST FILM: “American Splendor”

Th American Film Institute’s Top Ten:


“American Splendor”
“Finding Nemo”
“The Human Stain”
“In America”
“The Last Samurai”
“The Return of the King”
“Lost In Translation”
“Master and Commander”
“Monster”
“Mystic River”

Roger Ebert’s Top Ten:


1. "Monster"
2. "Lost in Translation"
3. "American Splendor"
4. "Finding Nemo"
5. "Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World"
6. "Mystic River"
7. "Owning Mahowny"
8. "The Son (Le Fils)"
9. "Whale Rider"
10. "In America"

Harry Knowles' Top Ten:


1. “Return of the King”
2. “Oldboy”
3. “Ping Pong”
4. “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised”
5. “Lost in Translation”
6. “American Splendor”
7. “Capturing the Friedmans”
8. “Triplettes of Belleville”
9. “Twilight Samurai”
10. “Kill Bill Vol. 1”

I am – Hercules!!





Looking for bumper stickers, plush toys and girls’ underwear covered with cute cartoon double-amputees? Visit The Herc Store!

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