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Hercules Picks The Best Scripted Hourlongs of 2003!!

I am – Hercules!!

1. Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

“Could it possibly get uglier? I used to be a highly respected watcher. Now I’m a wounded dwarf with the mystical strength of a doily!”

“‘Buffy’ is dead and gone!! Give it up already, Herc!! You can’t put this on your top-ten list!!”

There’s where you’d be wrong; this is a year-end list, not a season-end list. UPN aired its last new episode May 20; try to keep up. This is kind of important.

What was not so great? The unevenness that plagued season six was still much in evidence, and the 2003 half of the final “Buffy” season did not live up to its spectacular 2002 half. The idea of exploring the slayer mythos by gathering the world’s “potentials” at Buffy Summers’ house was well-considered, but fostered a lot of speechmaking, not all of it inspired. Also, as much fun as some of the slayerettes were, there was a real sense that they were distracting from the journeys of the core characters.

But. 2003 still boasted five four-star (or better) “Buffy” installments – “First Date,” “Get It Done,” “Dirty Girls,” “End of Days,” “Chosen” – and I’d hazard to guess no other series hit as many highs last year. Remember Giles terrifying the Chinese slayer with his flashcards? Spike reclaiming his duster and striking a match on the demon’s head? Dru’s introduction to William’s creep-tastic mom-vamp? The slayerette pillow fight that precipitated Xander’s “leg cramp”? Faith’s battle to the death with Mr. Spock? Dawn casually tasering Xander? Angel going Indiana Jones on Caleb? The digressive discussion of tentacles and Matthew Broderick?

And did I love the finale? I loved the finale with a fearsome white-hot fiery love, and especially loved watching it the first time at the special AICN Buffy Bash with hundreds of other true believers. But – that series-closing smile on Buffy’s face should have emerged through a faceful of runny mascara. Buffy should have been as torn up at the end of 7.22 as Spike was at the end of 5.22. “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” is, and may always be, my favorite TV show ever, but a less-happy Buffy at the end would have certainly been my preference.

2. Alias.

What was wrong with the black one?”

“Alias” pretty much owes its number-two position to an episode that aired nearly a year ago.

“Phase One,” which followed the 2003 Superbowl, was the single most exciting and gratifying hour of episodic television I believe any of us saw last year. I don’t think there were ten movies released last year that I enjoyed as much. Syd parading in the black lingerie to AC/DC, the henchman getting sucked into the plane engine, Dixon learning from a teary, desperate Syd that his life has been a lie, the shocking, sudden collapse of SD-6, and that final shot of one too many Francies in the kitchen.

“It will leave permanent grip-marks on the arms of your sofa, even perhaps if those arms are made of aluminum,” I yammered, anxious not to give away the store just hours before the episode hit the air. “All fans of quality filmed entertainment, ‘Alias’ fans and not, football fans and not, TV fans and not, will love tonight’s installment of ‘Alias.’ But. Tonight’s installment of ‘Alias’ also contains wildly important chunks of continuity certain to make longtime fans pee their recliners.” (If you doubt your memory of how great this episode was, click the link above and read the talkbacks. Make no mistake my friend: J.J. Abrams is a fricking genius.)

Sadly, nothing the series has done subsequently – including misplacing two years of Syd’s life – has approached the pilot-rivalling perfection that was this episode. But I don't dare stop tuning in for Sydney Bristow's Sunday-night adventures, fearful still that the Abrams genius will again rain from the sky. (And, while I’m waiting, I sure do find myself entertained by that David Cronenberg science-guy they just introduced!)

Last new episode (3.10) aired Dec. 7. Next new episode (3.11) airs Jan. 11.

3. Gilmore Girls.

"Am I changing? I don't want to change. I don't want to be the anti-town girl. I'm not Daria."

Frank Capra crossed with Aaron Sorkin and piped into our homes every Tuesday for free. “Gilmore Girls” is the most consistently entertaining show currently in production. No monsters, no wizards, no guns, no kickboxing, no time travel, no bullet time. Just cool, confused, conflicted characters - Lorelai, Rory, Lane, Luke, Christopher, Paris, Kirk - and hilarious dialogue week in and week out, peppered often with generous doses of poignancy. Do you get “Brown Bunny” jokes on “JAG” or “Trading Places”?

No. You don’t.

Last new episode (4.9) aired Nov. 18. Next new episode (4.10) airs Jan. 13.

4. Angel.

“Peepee!”

With the fifth season, “Angel” lost Tim Minear (who wrote and directed season four’s stellar season finale) but retained “Tick” creator Ben Edlund, gained star “Buffy” rookie Drew Goddard, and saw Buffiverse mastermind Joss Whedon take a more active role in scripting. Overall, a great trade-off; I’d rate this season the series’ best.

(It’s so good, you’ll almost forget to complain about lightning lass Gwen Raiden no longer juicing things up.)

If you’re a fan like me, you’ve always found Wolfram & Hart, the evil law firm introduced in the “Angel” pilot, one of the most entertaining, interesting and promising components of the series. Putting Team Angel in charge of the firm was a wacky idea, but inspired as well. Whedon’s season opener was a knee-slapper, but Edlund’s scatological “Life of the Party” (with the annoyed demon on the toilet, Angel fouling Eve, and Charles soaking large chunks of the firm with his penis) was just plain wonderful.

Last new episode (5.8) aired Nov. 19. Next new episode (5.9) airs Jan. 14.

5. Karen Sisco.

“Tell you what. Why don’t you quit dickin’ around and tell me what this is about?”

Fall’s best show – and ABC’s best new series since “Alias.”

Karen is the coolest character on television, largely because she doesn’t behave much like a TV character. It’s easy to imagine there’s somebody – somebody really smart and determined and professional – in the federal marshal service who acts and talks and thinks just like her.

The Miami-based marshal, originally played by Jennifer Lopez in Soderbergh’s excellent “Out of Sight,” is now essayed to even better effect by Carla Gugino (best known perhaps as milfy mom to the movies’ Spy Kids). Another key improvement lies with Robert Forster, who inherits Dennis Farina’s role as the title character’s super-wily ex-cop pop.

Otherwise, the series is suspenseful, smart, funny and propulsively plotted, and offers some of the most entertainingly complex characters you’ll find on a screen of any size. It's not quite as good as getting a great new "Out of Sight" or "Get Shorty" sequel every week, but it comes dang close.

Last new episode (1.7) aired Nov. 12 before the show was yanked from primetime. ABC officials say the last six installments will air (presumably in a less brutal timeslot) starting in March.

6. The O.C.

“Suck it, queer!”

The year’s biggest surprise, a nighttime soap with a strong sense of humor and a lot on its mind when it comes to the politics of love and wealth.

I challenge all the developmentally challenged 11-year-olds who insist on comparing “The O.C.” to “Beverly Hills 90210” to watch half an episode. Comparing “The O.C.” to “90210” is like comparing “24” to “Jake and the Fat Man.”

I hated “90210”! It was horrible! It starred some of the most beautiful young women I’ve ever seen and I still couldn’t get through 45 minutes of the show’s relentless parade of turgid plotlines, simplistic moralizing, cardboard protagonists and witless, cliché-happy dialog.

McG, a longtime “O.C.” champion who was impressed enough to sign on as the series’ executive producer, says the new show has more in common with HBO’s “Six Feet Under” – and he’s not wrong. “The O.C.” is funny, smart, sharply drawn and loaded with gratifyingly clever turns. Seth Cohen is a geek god, Sandy and Kirsten Cohen heroically and entertainingly continue to defy TV-parent expectations, and Anna Stern is, to be blunt, the devil’s candy, likely the hottest TV vixen since Emma Caulfield donned the stripey hotpants.

Last new episode (1.14) aired Dec. 17. Next new episode (1.15) airs Jan. 7.

7. 24.

“This is your fault, Jack! And what happens next is on you too!”

How does a show built on the constant provision of surprise continue to surprise?

Surprisingly well. The hunt for infecto-boy, the prison break, Tony catching one in the neck. I can’t stop watching, even if some of what’s transpired recently actually kind of reeks of idiocy.

I mean, would a presidential candidate really make hay of the validity of his opponent’s girlfriend’s scientific research in a nationally televised debate? She’s not even the first lady! Was she even dating Palmer when she was doing the research? What kind of halfwit politician would pursue this so directly?

Also, Jack cut off the head of an incarcerated government witness at the beginning of last season. He did it to help avert a nuclear catastrophe, of course, but isn’t cutting off somebody’s head a little illegal, even for a CTU agent? Now that Jack and Tony have conspired behind the president’s back to break Salazar out of prison, is everybody going to overlook that too?

Another thing. Though some characters carry over from season to season, does one get a sense that the series overall is building to anything? Is there something we can learn from Jack Bauer’s larger journey? If not, maybe there should be.

Last new episode (3.8) aired Dec. 16. Next new episode (3.9) airs Jan. 6.

8. Line of Fire.

“I can provide that.”

It’s a crime drama about a mob family and the FBI duking it out for control of Richmond, Va., of all places. Only five episodes have aired, but the series’ coolness is already much in evidence.

Love the show for its details. The way the hookers come off as something more than bims and victims. The way the nervous henchman, “just making sure,” uses a cleaning implement to push his dead quarry to the bottom of the pool. The pragmatic efficiency with which FBI bosslet Lisa Cohen bitches out her pretty young go-getter. The escalating menace with which Malloy motivates his normally sunny wife.

It airs Tuesdays at 10 p.m., right after “24” and opposite “Judging Amy,” “Special Victims Unit” and “The Real World.” Check it out, quickly. ABC only ordered 12 installments for its first season.

Last new episode (1.5) aired Dec. 30. Next new episode (1.6) airs Jan. 6.

9. The West Wing.

“A Jewish guy won a bar fight; it made the news everywhere.”

The Emmy folks gave “West Wing” another best drama Emmy in 2003 and I am kinda with the Emmy folks on this one. When Aaron Sorkin was running the show (as he was in early 2003), it was scary great.

I still watch this season’s post-Sorkin “Wing.” I like the storyline with the new vice president. I’m looking forward to the next new episode with John Goodman and James Cromwell. But it’s no longer art. It’s just a watchable NBC drama. And though I guess we should feel lucky it’s even that, I wouldn’t look for this show on my 2004 list.

Last new episode (3.8) aired Dec. 3. Next new episode (3.9) airs Jan. 7.

10. (tie) Carnivale. The Wire. Six Feet Under.

“Aw, he’s just a ruuuube!”

Who even knows where they’re going with “Carnivale”? The current plan, I believe, is to have Ben “Healer” Hawkins and Justin “Painbringer” Crowe finally meet in season three – but it sounds like the original plan was to have them trading smackdown much earlier:

“In the pilot version of Carnivale, Brother Justin is already, like, a major figure,” showrunner Ronald D. Moore told the Internet Gaming Network. “He's already got a radio show, he's got a huge following, he's Eeeevil with a capital 'E,' and you leave the original pilot feeling like he's about to go descend upon the poor people of the carnival, and we didn't know where to go with that.”

Even knowing, it’s difficult to imagine missing an episode of any one of these HBO Sunday-night staples. Will Beaty Russell find her way into McNulty’s pants? Will Billy Chenowith continue his romantic pursuit of sister Brenda? Will we learn why the late Professor Lodz was so hot for the fat lady with facial hair?

I must know.

I am – Hercules!!





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