Well, it had to start somewhere and why not in the land before time... the future (although they see an awful lot of flicks After the rest of the world... except for Latin America, or Africa of course).

Father Geek here with the FIRST of AICN "Best of... Worst of..." lists for this year (2003).

This one is from our man in Australia, Latauro. Keep in mine not everyone in the world sees films at the same time, or even in the same year. Many of the flicks we consider as 2003 film in the USA are a long time from screening in the Aussie outback, annnnnd some of his picks where movies we saw in 2002. Then again he names some motion pictures that he has seen that haven't opened here yet. There are some films that I (Father Geek) saw in 2002 that had their USA premiere at Butt-Numb-A-Thon on December 6, 2003 and won't make it to a theater near you till late in 2004. The point is everybody's list is based on what THEY saw... NOT necessarily what YOU saw during a given calendar year...

THANKS Latauro for having the "cajones" to start the balls a-rollin on this years debate... Ol' Father Geek's list will make it up in a couple of more days.

THE AICN-DOWNUNDER ANNUAL 2003

Howdy. There’s nothing more fun to read or write than an end-of-year best- and worst-of list. (If you disagree with this, the “Back” button is just up a bit, near the top of your screen.) It wasn’t an easy list to put together, either (when are they?). I surprised myself when STANDING IN THE SHADOWS OF MOTOWN, HULK, KILL BILL VOL. 1 and RESURRECTION OF THE LITTLE MATCH GIRL didn’t quite make the cut in the top ten, though they came awfully close. In limiting the Worst Films to three entries, I forced myself to excise the woefully boring JU-ON (THE GRUDGE). For better or worse, here are my picks for the year. Feel free to violently agree or disagree in the space provided...

THE WORST FILMS OF 2003

3. BAD BOYS II

“I don’t think too hard about it, I just have fun.”

This is the line I get from people whenever I dislike a mass-marketed Hollywood film. They assume that, because of my cinematic leanings, I can’t “lower” myself to enjoy anything that doesn’t require you to think too hard.

Well, CHARLIE’S ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE came close to entering my top ten.

It’s not about thinking too hard, or being a snob, or not “getting it”. I loved the first BAD BOYS, and wished this one could come close to echoing the harmless fun of the first. But it didn’t.

BAD BOYS II managed to justify many of the morality-themed complaints that are usually leveled at action films. Those claims that films containing copious amounts of violence are automatically endorsing it. Or disrespecting human life. Most of the time, it’s a knee-jerk reaction stemming from ignorance and fear, but sometimes a film will live down to all the standards the Moral Majority insist on imposing.

BAD BOYS II *does* promote violence. It *does* disrespect human life. In fact, it disrespects it more than any film I’ve ever seen. Even in gory slasher films, there’s always someone sad to see their friend or family member hacked up into little bits. There’s always a cost. BB2 let the dead bodies run free, and the only time either of the main characters seemed to care was when Marcus’s sister was kidnapped. “This shit just got personal,” says Marcus. Damn straight. A main character got kidnapped: it’s time to give a shit.

As a film, it’s awfully written, lazily performed, clumsily directed, at least an hour too long, and dispenses with the element that made the first one so entertaining: chemistry. There is zero chemistry between Marcus and Mike, and for 99% of the film I was convinced they loathed each other. But despite the apathetic handling of all these elements, the reason it’s getting a spot in the bottom three is because of its total inhumanity. BAD indeed.

2. STAR TREK: NEMESIS

You’re not going to see THE REAL CANCUN or GIGLI on this list. Why? Because my disposable income isn’t a destructible income. I only see films I expect I’ll enjoy, which is why the overwhelming majority of my reviews this year were positive.

Despite feeling incredibly ‘meh’ about the screenplay (like I do about everything John Logan writes), I had hopes for the film. It was an *even* STAR TREK film. Even! Though I didn’t hate INSURRECTION as much as everyone else (didn’t come across as a film to me – just a big episode), it’s the even films that kick arse, everyone knows that. Also, I’m a huge STAR TREK apologist. I’ll go to the ends of the Earth to lower my standards if it’s TREK. Why? I love it. I’m a big TREK fan, and I can’t stand the idea of any of it sucking.

Then 2003 happened. “Enterprise” began to screen in Australia: a show that dropped everything good about TREK and kept everything that sucked. I stopped watching. At least NEMESIS had the “Next Generation” crew. Maybe it would raise TREK back to the level that Berman and Braga had lowered it to before they lowered it even further. And what was the result?

(deep breath)

There was zero character motivation, the plot made no sense, the dialogue was atrocious, the action scenes were arbitrary, the cinematography was awful, an entire sequence managed to simultaneously rip off the game HALO whilst breaking the Prime Directive the show hangs on, the “humour” was embarrassing, the acting was sub-sub-par, the music was on auto-pilot, the Romulus scenes were about as boring as any scene from any film, and Data found out he had a brother... again.

Hell, even the running time pissed me off.

It pissed me off because Berman and Braga are quite openly trying to expand the TREK audience. They want ‘normal people’ to watch, so they play up the two elements that draw people to films of this ilk: action and humour. And they sacrifice the elements that aren’t as important: the science, the ideas, the intelligence, the action, and the humour.

I mentioned action and humour again because they always came naturally in TREK. Kirk would kick absolute buttage if it came to it, but only in servitude of the plot. Picard could quip with the best of them, but it would be rare. It wasn’t his character to joke all the time, so when he did it was unexpected and funny as all giddy up. Worf was never ridiculed to such depths so as to force a laugh.

It’s this dogged determination to Lowest Common Denominator TREK in all its forms that has all but ruined the franchise. And for the “Next Gen” crew to go from FIRST CONTACT to this in only two films... it’s just depressing. For these people to take advantage of a franchise created by someone else, to make an obscenely unwatchable film that will make its budget back because it’s riding on the popularity of someone else’s creation...

We all deserve better than this. Absolute shit. Though not nearly as bad as...

1. TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE

I hear it often from media students around their fifth year of high school. “I hate my media teacher!” Why is that, I ask. “Because I used to enjoy movies! Now all I do is analyse them!” I always smile at this, and quickly assure them that they will learn how to shut that part of their brain off, or at least integrate it into their subconscious. After all, I remember when I went through the phase. Suddenly I had reasons – horrible, horrible reasons – for liking or disliking films, rather than just going off my base reaction.

I got called up on this film in talkback, as well I should have. I had written the most scathing, vitriolic, hate-filled review of MASSACRE and had failed to give any reason for my dislike. Didn’t stop to explain what the film had done to inspire such loathing.

I was aware of it during the writing of the review, too. I even tried to make a list of specific things I hated, but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t know why the film had made me feel that way, I didn’t understand it. All I knew is that I loathed it more than I’ve ever loathed a film. What I mean is, I’d never actually loathed a film before. I thought I had, but I hadn’t. For the duration of two hours, TCM had me on the side of those who say films should be banned and censored. That violence is gratuitous and has no place in real cinema. It had me on the complete opposite of the ideological spectrum than the one I reside on, and it scared me.

I’m not going to revisit the film to try and work out why I hated it. I mean, I do have examples and moments and some superficial reasons for why I hated certain elements... BUT why it did to me what it did, I’ll never know. I wish I could give you a more satisfying explanation, but I cannot. I can’t give myself one. All I know is that I found this so-called “remake” of TCM to be a vile and hate-filled piece of shite.

TOP TEN OF 2003

This was pretty difficult list to put together. Surprisingly, the top five were easy. It was six-to-ten that gave me headaches. At various points, I had SCHOOL OF ROCK and STANDING IN THE SHADOWS OF MOTOWN in there, and as much as I loved those films, I really had to rate them in order of love. And, much to my dismay, that put more “serious” films ahead. Oh well, there’s always next year.

10. LOST IN TRANSLATION

I wrote my review for this film only a week ago, so I feel as if it’s all been said. But to recap: Coppola brilliant, Murray brilliant, Johannsen brilliant.

It’s such a slow burn film, a film that can dissect what it means to be a fish-out-of-water without resorting to clichés or bordering-on-actionable stereotypes. These characters are lost in life, they don’t understand the life they’ve built for themselves, and they cannot understand anyone around them. Regardless of whether those people speak the same language.

The messages are clear, but not ham-fisted. And it’s a film that pretty much sums up what Murray’s been doing in films lately: an amazing career renaissance that is pretty much blowing away anything he’s done before.

A worthy follow-up to VIRGIN SUICIDES and, hopefully, a promise of what’s to come.

9. PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN: THE CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL

This film would not be on the list if it weren’t for Johnny Depp. It’s one of the rare moments where one elements of a film can catapult it up onto a list that caused many follicles to be ripped out in the title-culling process.

I mean, everything else is great. This is, I believe, Gore Verbinski’s best work. The production values are sensational. The cast are all great. And the script – gawd bless the script – put the swashbuckle back into the pirate film. I mean, seriously: when was the last time you saw a good pirate film? It had Gene Kelly or Errol Flynn in it, didn’t it?

But Johnny Depp’s performance added something. His interpretation of Jack Sparrow as a rock star was spot-on. Whereas most other actors would try to play him as the cool thief, Depp managed to relate him back to the celebrity of today. Sparrow is notorious, but a drunk, but a talent, but an exaggerated tale...? You’re never quite sure where the legend ends and man begins. It was Hunter S. Thompson and Keith Richards splicing their genes to create a child and then sending him back hundreds of years to become a pirate.

I’m glad that they’ve adjusted their plans to make a sequel so they now intend to make *two* sequels. It’s rare that we get a period action film that delivers on every front, but to get one with a character as rare and fascinating and watchable as Sparrow? Keep making ’em, fellas.

8. THE PIANIST

I’m not writing this list in the order than you’re reading it (unless you’re also jumping from fourth spot to second to sixth to fifth, etc), so I’m sort-of skimming over what I’ve put in here so far. I’ve managed to do what I’ve always dreaded, and gone with the Critic’s Choice. Yes, all the Big Deep Intellectual Emotional Films are on this list, all the ones that the chin-stroking bespectacled reviewers nod knowingly at and respond with phrases like “tour de force”. Me, I’m the guy who (were I writing this list in, say, 2000) would be grappling between FIGHT CLUB and TOY STORY 2. Who (in 1997) would have a list containing both FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS and SPICEWORLD (believe it). Also, I’m writing this for Ain’t It Cool, so I feel there should be at least one comic book adaptation with gushing cunnilingus euphemisms (heheh... gushing).

So sue me, the arthouse fare was particularly good this year. And THE PIANIST was brilliant. Many of the Oscar contenders in previous years tend to get their Australian releases around Oscar season to help drum up business and cash in on the awards publicity (this is year is unexpectedly different – not sure why). That’s why earlier this year, whilst Catherine was standing in front of a mirror practicing her weeping, we got THE PIANIST, THE HOURS, FAR FROM HEAVEN, et al released in one bit hit.

THE PIANIST was a masterstroke, a tour de force (yeah, I said it) from a filmmaker who had not yet topped his earlier career highlight, the amazing CHINATOWN. I have something of a Jewish heritage, and have heard many stories from relatives and family friends about life in Europe half-a-century ago. This is the first holocaust film I’ve seen that correlated with the stories I’d been told. That gave me some sort of visual and near-tangible connection to it all. Polanski never shied away from the reality of the situation, but was clever enough to balance out all the aspects of this man’s life. We received the full range of human emotions within the context of the atrocity.

But I don’t want it to be like I put it in the list because I’m Jewish and trying to prove a point, or that “it was emotional, so it must be good”. As a reviewer, I’m a film lover first and foremost, and regardless of its subject matter this film was a sensation. It’s everything a film that strives to re-create moments in history should be.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to find a copy of EVIL DEAD 2 and exorcise the Critic out of me.

7. THE HOURS

There’s a quality that the novelist Chuck Palahniuk has in his work, which is the ability to make anything exciting. The same way Billy Connolly would be pants-wettingly funny reading the phone book, Palahniuk manages to make a random chapter close keep you on the end of your seat. Make you desperate for the next sentence, even if nothing is really happening.

This is what Stephen Daldry did with THE HOURS. There are so many places where this film could have been less than it was, where it could have faltered, but it didn’t. It never went for the obvious dialogue. It steeped itself deep within its symbolism, but never drowned in it. For a film where nothing really happens, it made every scene riveting and every moment important.

The thought that kept going through my head upon second viewing was, “I could never make this film.” I’m not sure if I’d ever have the self-awareness or self-control to avoid going for the obvious emotional moment, to do what this film so masterfully did. And yet never seemed fake. Never seemed forced.

Also, cool nose.

6. MYSTIC RIVER

For my money, the straight drama is the hardest genre to work. It’s like the lawyer film. How do you come up with an idea that’s big enough to fill a film when every week we have Dick Wolf and David E. Kelley trying to outdo themselves on the television? When an hour-long slot can contain plot twists and legal loopholes and massive murder trials... what idea could justify $20 million and one year plus of work?

It’s sort-of the same with dramas, although not quite. Drama on TV is less about the Big Idea of the Week than it is the soap-operative lives of the main characters. The continuing tragedies of dating and dying. Love and death. And yet straight-out cinematic drama is a tough sell because it lacks that ominous Big Idea. It’s why (capital G) Genre is so popular. LORD OF THE RINGS gives us the Big Idea of a world with Elves and Rings and Ents, and yet it also quenches our thirst for drama. And it handles that drama better than most dramas, cinematic and televisual, so what happens to the pure genre of drama? Do we even need it anymore?

These were the thoughts that were dancing about my subconscious as I was watching MYSTIC RIVER. A well-made film, a well-directed film and a well-acted film for sure, but the tingling feeling in my occipital lobe still made me wonder what I was doing there. All that stuff I said in the above, that’s not just a clever yet presumptive analysis of demographics; that’s pretty much how I myself feel. This was one of two films this year (the second being... well, keep reading) that reminded me what can be done when you restrict yourself to the possible, the probable, and human nature.

It’s the closing minutes of MYSTIC that do it. It’s the final moments. The Greek tragedy of it all, the exchanged looks, the horrific logic... that people can know what horrific lengths they can go to, and don’t mind. More than don’t mind, they wear it as a badge. As frightening as the metaphors of technology gone mad or an all-controlling eye of power are, they can never match the reality of human nature. The way we can justify our most terrifying actions and believe it.

A story like this could not be told on television with ad breaks, nor as the B-plot to an SF/fantasy. The Big Idea in MYSTIC RIVER comes at the end; it comes in a monologue, it comes in expressions, and it comes during a parade.

5. JAPANESE STORY

I knew for a while that I’d be making a list like this at the end of the year, and the desire to put an Australian film on the list was big. I thought BAD EGGS was terrific, but it just didn’t cut the Big List for me. For a while I felt that I’d have to put together a non-Australian/mostly-American Best Of... List and use that as a cutting indictment of the local film industry and why nobody sees our films. (In this column, everything can be turned into a comment on Australian cinema – I consider it a weekly challenge.)

Then I saw JAPANESE STORY.

It’s a film that’s clearly About Something. It’s a film that clearly knows what it’s doing from start to finish. It’s a film that can pretty much define the term “economy of storytelling”.

There’s so much to be said about this film, but so little if you haven’t seen it. As in, the only people I’ve been able to discuss this film with to any degree of depth has been others who have seen it, and that’s not always the case with movies. It would be a shame for me to spoil any of the moments for anyone who hasn’t seen it, so I’ll refrain.

But it’s not just a high mark for an Australian film: it’s a high mark for women. A woman wrote the script, another woman directed it, another woman produced it, and the main character is played by a woman (a gender Toni Collette is becoming typecast in...). It’s an industry where – more often than not – men dominate the behind-the-scenes roles. It was rare, and unexpectedly refreshing, to see a film made primarily by the Gentler Sex. If all that sounds patronising, please understand that is not my intent. I only mean to point out that the stereotype of women only being able to direct romantic comedies with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan needs to be put to rest, and JAPANESE STORY should aid that.

Aussies, when this film hits the video store, go out and get it. Don’t go for the easy watch, the low-maintenance predictable trash we all end up getting when we don’t want to be emotionally or intellectually taxed. Anyone outside of Australia, this will surely be hitting the festival circuit and I suggest you seek it out. You’ll be a different person at the end.

4. FINDING NEMO

It’s almost a cliché, these Pixar films. I myself can be accused of complacency when it comes to them. See, I’ve come to expect perfection. TOY STORY, A BUG’S LIFE, TOY STORY 2, MONSTER’S INC... there’s only so many seamless films you can make in a row before your audience begins to expect nothing less. And I, my friends, have reached that point.

Luckily, Pixar is able to exceed those expectations. They’ve built themselves a wonderful formula that is never constricting or limiting. It never stops them from trying new things – it just helps to bring definition to the world in which these stories can be told.

I heard a Pixar employee once state the John Lasseter would be no less entertaining if all he had were socks on his hands. I’m inclined to agree. The only amendment I’d make to that statement is to expand it so it includes the others who work there. NEMO, written and directed by Andrew Stanton, is proof that Lasseter was clever enough to hire people as brilliant as he.

This film brought a tear to my eye, and I’m sorry to say I’ve seen it only once. This, of course, will be amended when I get my hands on the DVD and prove it is in fact possible to, through overuse, wear down a digital signal.

3. VOLCANO HIGH

Okay, J. K. Rowling isn’t a British author, or a woman, or middle-aged. She’s a twenty-four year old Korean filmmaker, and she’s just been given the rights to the X-MEN property. Also, she loves video games and John Hughes films.

That’s how I’d describe VOLCANO HIGH, a film that took me completely by surprise. Brilliantly combining laugh-out-loud humour with eye-popping special effects, the film manages to do what this sentence could not: avoid cliché.

This film got third spot because it went all-out on entertainment value. It didn’t worry about themes or depth, but it didn’t use that as an excuse to be dumbed-down story-less special effects. Kept me riveted to the end.

2. TOUCH OF SPICE

Odds are, most of you haven’t heard of this film. I know I hadn’t. Had I not been asked to attend a private screening of the film, I still wouldn’t have. Of course, if you’re living in Greece there’s a good chance you know about this film. It has just overtaken TITANIC to become the highest-grossing film in Greek cinema history.

So what is it? That’s a tough one. Try this: it’s about food. It’s about spices and ingredients and what culinary flavour means what. But it’s also about love, religion, astronomy, war, racism, sex, men, family, traveling and time. Simultaneously, the film manages to be about one thing and a million things. And yet it’s never forced, it’s never overwhelming. At no point does the balance fall short of perfection. This is the level that films aspire to be.

If it were stacked in a Greek video store (where the category of “Foreign” would be irrelevant to this film), it would probably go in the “Drama” section. And yes, it is a drama. But it’s a comedy and a romance as well. Not since Lasse Hallstrom’s MY LIFE AS A DOG has love between two children been so beautifully portrayed. It’s the tightest script I think I’ve ever seen on the screen, and yet its pacing is never compromised. It shows beauty without ever bordering on saccharine.

But don’t expect kitchen sink. This isn’t dogma grit, or single hand-held shots lasting minutes. The production values are superb, the shot design is incredibly detailed, the music is brilliant. No element falls short for even a moment; each complements the others.

Village Roadshow Australia, a co-producer on the film, is trying to get an arthouse release for the film in both Australia and the US. I hope they do – it would be a crime if they didn’t. This is not a film you see because critics believe it to be thematically deep and structurally obscure enough to give five stars to. This is not a film you see so you can say, “I saw this terrific Greek film on the weekend...” to prove how expansive your tastes are. No, this is a film you see if you love film and feel you deserve two hours of cinematic perfection. Do not hesitate.

1. LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to write. After watching FOTR:EE and TTT:EE on DVD and then heading to the cinema directly afterwards, I feel like writing a dissertation on every scene, every moment, every character. Really going into it. Writing an article it would take longer to read than it would to watch the films. Sure, nobody would read it, but it’s what I want to do.

How do I talk about a film that has had such a profound effect on me in only a few paragraphs? I guess I can start with the fact that I first read “Lord of the Rings” when I was seven, last read it a couple of years ago, and even during scenes where I knew every movement back to front, I was still shaking with anticipation. Shaking. White knuckles. Edge of the seat. Clichés, all, but they were happening.

I think I’m going to write a big LOTR review when the ROTK:EE comes out (not the big one I promised earlier, thank God). For now, it’s still too soon and I’m still too blown away. I can barely type.

Perfect.

Well, that’s me for the year. Thanks for reading, and thanks for the continuing feedback. Hope you all have a great New Years, and I look forward to AICN-Downunder in 2004. See you soon...

Peace out,

Latauro

downunder@aintitcoolmail.com