Harry here... There are films that when I hear people have voluntarily gone to see... films that... well... one should just know, the mere mention of will automatically make you less cool for even have contemplated to view, much less the horrendous concept of actually sitting through. After Pyul's review of CAT IN THE HAT, I toyed with the concept that he must probably be cool... that he went to see CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN... for free... I now know, he must be the equal of a standee in the waiting room at a dentist... corrugated cardboard beneath the surface stained merely by the thin coating of colors on the outside that seem to indicate humanity... while decidedly inanimate and devoid of actual intelligent thought. EXCEPT - he tears GARFIELD to pieces and this could possibly show signs of life in said cardboard... further research is necessary...
Hey Harry,
I caught a screening of Cheaper by the Dozen this morning and thought you might be able to use it, not just because I know the nation is simply clamoring to hear the word on this film (sarcasm duly noted) but attached to it was the cringe inducing terror that is the Garfield: the Movie teaser trailer (most appropriate as Joel Cohen, one of the writers on Cheaper by the Dozen, is the scribe on Garfield, but most notably the genius 1988 Tim Curry gutbuster Pass the Ammo "The crack of dawn wouldn't be safe from Reverend Ray" and a lesser known animated film, Toy Story.)
Well, if this teaser is any indication, this movies going to suck the very marrow out of next summer. As it begins, the beginning piano notes of "Old Time Rock and Roll" strike up. The camera looks through the entrance to a living room flanked on both sides by walls. Anyone over the age of twelve sees this coming. Garfield slides across the floor with sunglasses on ala Tom Cruise in Risky Business and the whole thing just goes to hell. Garfield, well, he looks exactly like you've seen in the promo art, ergo he looks nothing like Garfield. Fair enough. But then the trailer continues, half of it watching Garfield strut around, and the other half, er...well...is Jennifer Love Hewitt talking about Garfield. Pretty lame stuff. I'd say nothing worth noting except that, well, there is one thing. There's a shot of Garfield dancing with Odie. Only it's not Odie. I mean, it's SUPPOSED to be Odie, but it's not. At least they knew enough to make Odie a dog. Except that he's a real dog, not a CG representation. Alright, once again, fair enough. But you know, could they at least get the color right? This Odie is dark brown and bares not the tiniest little inkling of resemblance to the tan, hyperactive ball of tongue and slobber that we all know, love and just can't wait to see get kicked off the side of the table. This teasers going to have Garfield fans screaming bloody murder. Me, I can deal. The anger that I felt after seeing this monstrosity has faded and, having endured The Cat in the Hat last week, I know now that I really have no childhood left. I'm cutting my ties to it right here and now. There, it's gone. Hollywood won't get another bloody cent out of me and my childhood any longer. Nil, nada, bupkis. Wait...someone's trying to make a Transformers movie? Dude, I'm so there...
So much for that.
Luckily for me, what followed, Cheaper by the Dozen, wasn't too painful. Actually, it wasn't painful at all. If this were my kind of thing, I might dig the hell out of it. It's a cute, by the numbers, amazingly wholesome family film. There's nothing really new here, nothing that you couldn't catch in a rerun of Eight is Enough, but for a family film this is a solid, safe movie for parents to take the kids to and not have to worry about the standard gross out, potty humor that's recently bullied it's way into the family film market (read Daddy Day Care and Cat in the Hat.) This movie, while soon to be considered absolutely sterile to the AICN crowd, has positively no offensive content whatsoever. It is, for all intents and purposes, the Wonder bread of this Christmas's movie choices.
Cheaper by the Dozen is the story of the Bakers, a standard Midwest nuclear family consisting of two loving parents (played by a very toned down Steve Martin and Bonnie Hunt) with twelve rambunctious children (all theirs, so theirs none of that Brady Bunch, Marcia/Greg sexual tension we all grew up with.) When Thomas Baker (Martin) gets offered his dream job of coaching his college football team, the family has to relocate to Chicago at the same time that Kate (Hunt) sells a book chronicling her adventures being the mother of 12 children. Needless to say, the kids aren't happy about moving and hilarity ensues.
And that's pretty much it. The joke I found funniest was in the trailers, so I can't say that this is laugh out loud but it certainly made me chuckle a bit, and I never once rolled my eyes, so that's something.
Most everyone is solid here, Martin and Hunt doing their best within their confined rolls, Hilary Duff doing her usual rapid fire, self obsessed shtick (which personally I find as appealing as an unwashed turnip, but the kids seem to love her), Piper Perabo seems to be happy just to be in a mainstream film again, and all the young kids are pretty charismatic and likable. Most notable among the children's performances are Alyson Stoner, who plays the mischievous mastermind of the clan with devilish intensity, and Forrest Landis, the cute as a button misfit who the rest of the kids refer to as Fed-ex (claiming that the fed-ex man dropped him off) who adds a layer of childhood pathos (I know, I know...the word Pathos is best left to independent films and Mr. Beaks reviews of films he also finds to be Hitchcockian) that makes the film work overall. Adding to the fun is the next door neighbor Alan "You're not dying, you just can't think of anything better to do" Ruck (of Spin City and Ferris Bueller's Day off) and his son Dylan (Played by the uber creepy baseball bat wielding boy from "Cat in the Hat", Steven Anthony Lawrence, who's actually quite likable here, despite the cringe I suffered upon recognizing him and associating my trauma from the Cat) who both come off as fun but underused.
Two actors here, however, really stood out. First of all, Ashton Kutcher is positively annoying. But he's supposed to be, so it works. What really stands out though is one scene in which he talks about being an actor (which his character is) and he says, motioning over his face, "I'm not that good an actor. This is all I have." 'Hmmm,' I thought, tilting my head to the side 'never have truer words been spoken.' Was this a moment of self-realization? or was it simply riffing on model/actors to which he feels superior? I'll bet you $10 you can guess my vote. His shtick's gotten old, and it's all he pretty much does here, but watching him get mauled by a dog is delightful and only makes me wish the Bakers raised Doberman's, or maybe Pit Bulls. Oooooh. Or Rotwilers! Yeah!
The second, and most pleasantly surprising is Tom Welling, of Smallville fame. While I can't say I'm a fan of the show, I did once date a girl who had a thing for him, made me watch the show once or twice, wear a class ring with a red stone in it while she rode me shouting 'Bad Clark! Bad Clark!'. Yeah, we're not together anymore. But I was really impressed by Welling in his Feature Film debut. Although he's not really given much to work with (nobody really is, come on, there's nearly 20 characters that aren't walk on's) he comes across as naturally charismatic and instantly likable. This guy gives off some serious young Brad Pitt vibes and the work he does here really makes me wonder what he's going to do next. With the right choice of roles, this guy could be A-list within the next few years, so keep an eye on him.
All in all, this is a pretty watchable piece of fluff. If your family drags you to this or you have young kids or teens who are drawn to see it by the 1-2-3 punch of Kutcher/Duff/Welling, know now that it's not going to hurt, and if you like this sort of thing you'll probably be pleasantly surprised. This is one of those Trailer-Barometer movies. It's no better or worse than the trailer indicates. If you laughed at more than just the meat soaked underwear gag, than this is probably a movie for you. If not, well, they're not underselling it and now you know what you're getting into.
Pyul Mactackle
