Hey folks, Harry here... I was talking to Capone earlier tonight, and he and I were chatting about world politics, the smuggling business, the slight drift to the left on a Thompson and what we had planned for the night. I had a screening of CAT IN THE HAT... so did he. After talking for about 20 minutes about how much we hated every single second of the trailer... We decided to abstain from the film. Refuse to see... even for free. If the film is even an ounce of the heatache that reading the following is... it's got to be agony. Here's Pyul...
Hey Harry,
My apologies to the late, great Dr. Seuss, one of the greatest writers of all time. Apologies I might add, that Brian Grazer and crew should eternally be making.
My name's Pyul MacTackle and I'm here to say DRAT!
because I've just sat through The Cat in the Hat.
Now I'm a fan, lifetime fan, of the good Dr. Seuss,
so much that these movies put my head in a noose.
His books all remind me of reading on rugs,
of childhood hobbies like collecting bugs,
motherly hugs and cocoa filled mugs,
but these movies all look like the director's on drugs.
They fail to capture the Seussian magic
instead attaining a Grazerian tragic
abortion of something meant to bring glee
instead upon which one would rather pee.
The gags are all crude with dialog dierettic,
and the Cat in the Hat is almost Anit-Semetic,
with jokes about Lawyers and him being selfish,
they even throw in a joke about not eating shelfish.
Now Mike Myers I'll say is one funny pistol
but he's plays the Cat in the Hat like he was channeling Crystal.
Crystal, that's Billy, like Mr. Saturday Night
I swear, I'm not lying, you all heard me right.
And if this protrayal of the Cat wasn't enough
he says something that I actually took pretty rough,
with dead on precision and absolute timing
the cat boldly proclaims "I'm really not all that good at rhyming."
what what what was that you quote and not say
the Cat in the Hat who came to frolic and play
the one from the book I used to read all the time,
that Cat in the Hat, well, he doesn't...Rhyme?
Nope, not at all, not a bit, not a lick,
this Cat in the Hat's actually something of a prick.
He's creepy, he's scary, add to that dreadful bore,
they only once use Myers for what he's good for.
One scene, one moment of Myersian humor
the rest is a blight, an eyesore. A tumor.
"It's not a tumor" says the Governer from the house in the hills
along with a chorus of Hollywood schills
It'll make greenbacks and cheese and scrilla and money
despite the fact that it's boring and really unfunny.
This movie is crude, no really it shows
Myer's ass hanging out and a Baldwin that blows
his nose in his hand after picking it first
and these are just jokes that are not the worst.
I just have to warn you of what is in store
because there's toilets and guck and potty humor galore
and it's not just that these jokes do not hit,
but they even go so far as have an acronym for shit.
Super hydroxy then an I and a T,
this joke wasn't funny, not even to me,
but the kids were all giggling as often they do
when adults make a crass comment about poo.
But this movie keeps going and going and going
and the crass jokes keep flowing and flowing and flowing
but that is not all and they're certainly not done
because if the cat wasn't creepy enough, lets introduce Thing 2 and Thing 1.
They're frightening, absurd, with faces of plastic
with movement that's right but too utterly spastic,
and not quite as cute as Seuss had intended
I'm certain by now that his coffin's upended,
but I know all the rolling blackouts are gone
that the lights will stay on from midnight till dawn
just think of all the money you'll save
now that they've hooked up power lines to Seuss's spinning grave.
I'm saddened, down hearted but not really depressed
because I first saw the trailer and wasn't impressed.
I just didn't realize how bad this could be
but when Myers first stepped out, my jaw dropped to my knee.
There's fur and there's fluff and a big ass to boot
but this isn't the Cat I so loved in my yout (That's youth Mr. Bera.)
All in all I'd say that this movie's not fun
despite the fact Friday it'll be number one.
Call me bitter and angry, frustrated and such
but I really didn't like this movie that much.
That much? Not at all. I didn't like it one bit
it's a steaming, festering, purple colored pile of (doo).
Now I'm not being cruel and I'm not just dissing
this movie's better than Gothika but much worse than The Missing.
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I do,
and I'm certain that if you can read you will too.
But to finish this off, AICN I will rob,
by using words like fuck, shit and end off with Rimjob.
So print my review and put it up with spackle,
with apologies to Seuss, my names
Pyul Mactackle
And for the rhyme-challenged we have a slightly more positive take by AMNELL in San Francisco. Here ya go...
Hi Harry,
Just thought I'd send in a quick review of Cat in the Hat. A family member had received a few tickets for the local press screening at the Lowes Metreon in San Francisco through a coworker this afternoon and asked if I wanted to go. Never one to shy away from the chance to get the word out about something (good or bad), I braved a film that, based upon negative buzz, I was planning to miss. It wasn't exactly the 'Shitty Kitty' Moriarty had been fearing, but I can't give it a rave review.
It's been quite a while since I've read the book (33 and no small kids in my life at the moment) so I can't claim to know exactly where the movie deviates literally or thematically from the original story. The look of the film is surreal, but, for the most part not as over the top as the Grinch, and updating it a bit to include a Suess twist on modern suburbia for the look of the town. To stretch the children's book to a just under 90 minute film, (and probably sell the story to Hollywood) they've added a storyline about a ****** begin minor spoiler*******deceitful neighbor (played by Alec Baldwin) with designs on Mom********end minor spoiler******, and another plot device I wonÃt spoil for those who may still want to see it with the kids.
Mike Meyers' Cat is mainly a variant of his New York 'Coffee Talk' character with a few other personalities thrown in. He wasn't terrible, but not quite the way I pictured the character. The kids were cute and engaging, (I've been a sucker for Dakota Fanning since Taken last year), the actress playing Mom (sorry it's late and don't feel like researching on IMDB) was ok, and while I didn't necessarily like the character, I can honestly say it was amusing to see Alec Baldwin in gross out mode.
While I freely admit to laughing at times, the movies biggest problem is that it tries too hard to be everything to everyone. The core of the film is the children learning IMPORTANT LIFE LESSONS through the misbehavior of the Cat, but it also throws in pop culture references, and jokes designed to go right over the head of the kids in the audience. It's almost as if they said they said, this is a kids movie, but we need to throw in something for the grownups. A good idea that can work when well done (Shrek for example), but, in my opinion, they didn't quite pull it off.
While I have yet to see Elf myself, I get the feeling that between the two, it would be one of those 'Choose Wisely' decisions, but if you've already seen Elf and are looking for something to do with the kids over the next few weekends, it's an option that wonÃt put you to sleep or burn the eyes out of your skull.
AMNELL
