Hi, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab...
Y’know... CRIMSON RIVERS isn’t a very good film. But it’s a breathtakingly beautiful movie, and in a way, I like that it just gets totally hopped up and goofball by the end. Something about it just gets so hard to turn off. I’m curious about GOTHIKA if only because of Kossovitz as a director, and it seems like the guys who have seen THE MISSING so far like David Poland and Jeffrey Wells, among others, seem to really like the movie. Maybe Pyul’s just getting a wicked case of the Christmas Blues. Whatever the case, here’s his take on what he just took in...
Hey Harry,
Caught a pair of movies in the last 3 days that I had to write in about. My buddy hasn't been able to get me into much lately, but WHAMMO! Two big films so close together. The Halle Berry titular horror film Gothika and the Cate Blanchett/Ron Howard horror?/western The Missing. So let's get into it, shall we?
For those of you who crave eagerly your next viewing of Ghost Ship; for those in awe of the sheer horrific beauty of 13 Ghosts; for those who quaked in their boots at Fear.com. Now, there's Gothika.
Gothika. What the fuck is that supposed to mean, anyway? Gothika. Is that a word? Did I miss some hip Hollywood slang boat aboard which this phrase makes any sense whatsoever. Excuse me Ma'am, but you look absolutely Gothika tonight. Oh Waitress, another round of Gothika's for me and my friends. Ow! Shit! I have a nasty case of Gothika on my...you get the picture. Sorry. I'm really trying to entertain myself right now as Gothika absolutely failed to do so.
Gothika, in fact, sucks so hard that anything caught outside it's event horizon simply begins to orbit. Yeah, it's that kind of bad. And it's not just the shitty nonsensical name, oh no! This movie is a cliché scooped upon a cliché with a hearty helping of cliché sprinklings to top it off. Not only does this movie not offer anything even remotely new to the genre, but it blatantly steals it's every bit from older better movies. Sure this movie juices it up with digital effects out the ass, like absolutely riveting (pure sarcasm, that word usage is) 3-D flights over Halle Berry's face and scalp, and the cheesiest digital fire effects this side of The Lawnmower Man, but not even all the money dumped on this crapper can make this turd float.
What really made my skull thump from my brain trying to beat it's way out of it was just how complex the filmmakers tried to make such a simple storyline. It's so simple, in fact, that anyone who's seen the trailer knows it, save the blanks that need filling in that you have to wait about 70 minutes to have told to you. And once that happens and the big twist comes, well, for a second...just a second, the movie becomes kind of cool. You forget just how mind numbingly awful the last hour and 10 minutes were, you forget how hamfisted and clichéd the dialog is ("Are you afraid?" "No." "You should be.", pay close attention, there's a reason I decided to review both of these films together), you even forget how hard the audience laughed at every attempt at a jump scare. And for that one second you think, hey this might actually be...then BAM! one of the worst lines delivered on film since "Do you know what happens to a toad when it's struck by lightning?" (Halle actually dodges the bullet this time and lets someone else take the brunt of poorly written schlock.) It's then that you realize that you were suckered into yet ANOTHER cliché and the movie becomes an unwatchable sinkhole from that moment on. This honestly feels like a writer who got an idea, did ten months of psychological research (read tackled all of his buddies Psych 101 books), found nothing really relevant but tried to cram as much of it into the script as fast as humanly possible.
There isn't one utterly unique or amusing scene in this whole wretched, festering pile. There's a line of dialog/remotely intriguing concept that the filmmakers think is so clever that they repeat it twice in the first 20 minutes of the film and sell the trailer with it. "You can't trust someone when they think you're insane." Well, they certainly can't trust me, then. Personally, the people I find the most insane are Joel Silver and Robert Zemeckis who left their names on this dreck as producers. Jesus guys, you know better. Sure Joel's name is on the Matrix Sequels, but no matter your opinion on the films, they made serious green, and his name is on all of the best actioners that don't say Bruckheimer on them. And Zemeckis? Christ. This movie rips off his clichéd attempt at the genre. I mean if they had to staple his name on because of the theft, then where are the other fifty names that should be there. This movie steals from fucking everybody.
Man, director Mathieu Kassovitz really dropped the ball with this one. This is the guy who directed the fantastic "La Haine" (aka HATE) in his native France and churned out the mediocre "Crimson Rivers" (which arguably, some people actually liked). Here, well, this thing just reeks of the standard drop money to make the mood. The movies I mentioned at the beginning: Ghost Ship, Thirteen Ghosts, Fear.com. Throw in the modern Haunting and Darkness Falls and you get the general idea of the look, feel and quality of this film. It's a standard, by the numbers, Hollywood crapfest horror film put together by people who have virtually no idea how to create a moody, atmospheric, truly scary film.
Really, this is laughably bad. Normally, I'd be all about dissecting just what's wrong with every single flaw in this film (much like I did with Jeepers Creepers 2) but this one is so gawd awful and so wafer thin that a trained monkey could see the problems and clichés a mile off, so for those that would love to get it all out of the way and get on with your life without the pathos of actually suffering through this monstrosity, here's a spoiler filled sentence (that's all it's going to take) laying out the twists and turns of the entire film.
SPOILERSPOILERSPOILERSPOILERSPOILER
Halle Berry is a psychiatrist who gets possessed by the spirit of a girl killed by her husband who as it turns out is a serial killer and everybody thinks she's insane while the ghost haunts her to find the second serial killer, her husbands best friend. Oh, and now she sees ghosts, ala the Sixth Sense.
SPOILERSPOILERSPOILERSPOILERSPOILERS
Okay, so that was two sentences, so sue me. Really, the only thing of note in this movie is Penelope Cruz, who while struggling with really bad dialog, masterfully pulls off 'Sensual Crazy Bitch' in a way reminiscent of Brittany Murphy in the easily forgettable "Don't Say a Word". I'll pause as the bulk of you nod your head and say in unison "Oh yeah, I remember seeing that." But her performance certainly doesn't warrant seeing this. And for anyone hoping to catch yet another glimpse of either Halle's Berry's or Tom Cruise's splash targets, forget about it. Despite the number of times this movie teases you into thinking you're about to see something by presenting an unreasonable number of excuses to get these women out of their clothes (in sheer numbers that rival a Russ Meyer movie) they never give of the goods. Clever Camera work and editing keep you from seeing a damned thing. Even in a group shower scene (the most erotic shower scene this side of Schindler's List no less, a shower scene so disturbing that I don't think I'll touch myself for a week.) But it's not like we can't collectively draw them both naked from memory as is, so it's no big loss. I'm not disappointed, just giving a heads up to anyone who's ready to plop down just to see some more Halle. Ain't gonna happen.
THE MISSING
Alright, so having suffered through Gothika, perhaps The Missing would look quite a bit more attractive. Nope. Sure, it's not as bad, but it certainly doesn't deliver the goods. Directed by the star of such cinema classics as 'Eat My Dust!', 'Grand Theft Auto' and 'Osmosis Jones', the Missing fails to deliver the quality of the aforementioned classics. Okay, now I'm just being cruel. Sorry. You know, I really Like Ron Howard. He's directed some classics, but I can't help but feel that his best years are behind him. I loathed 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' mostly because they took a story that was magnificently told in less than 30 minutes and stretched it to almost two blinding hours. I kind of liked what he did with 'A Beautiful Mind' except that if you knew the story of John Nash and you knew about his schizophrenia then the movie just fell flat, principally because the crux of the film was designed around that being the BIG TWIST. But I'll gladly put that on the shoulders of Akiva Goldsman who deserves eternal damnation in the fires of critical Hell for Batman and Robin. But before those two films he churned out an impressive body of entertaining work. EDtv is fun and was a great send up of reality TV just before Reality TV hit big. Ransom is a good solid, fun flick, one which I seem to watch every other Saturday Night as that's just how fucking often ABC plays it. Backdraft, Apollo 13, Far and Away, Parenthood, Cocoon, Night Shift, Splash, The Paper. All solid, entertaining films. We'll forget about Willow, because that's Lucas, and he clearly went insane around Return of the Jedi. But as far as I'm concerned he's in a slide and this film just left a bad taste in my mouth and a sorry feeling in my gut about the future of Ron Howard's career.
First of all, the monumental problem with this film is the way it's being marketed. Unless you haven't been anywhere near a TV in the last two weeks you've no doubt seen the trailers for this thing. Hell even the online trailer sells it the same way. This is a HORROR film. A high quality Horror film chock full of academy award winning or nominated...er wait. Wasn't that Gothika? No bother. This one's directed by an award winning director/producer team. How can a horror film like that go wrong? I mean, it's got lines like "You're scaring her." "She should be scared, and so should you." Hmmm...that sounds awfully familiar. Almost like I'd heard it phrased just a bit differently but a moment ago. No bother. This is a HORROR film, right?
Wrong. Dead wrong. Absolutely, positively, 100% NOT a horror film. Swear to god. There's not a lick of real horror elements anywhere to be found in this film. I know what you're thinking. But there's a witch. I've seen a coyote on Cate Blanchett's table. I see her pick up an axe. Everyone's talking about being scared. And look at all those creepy trees and the fast cutting. This HAS to be a horror film! Nope. Not a bit of it. Sure, calling a Native American shaman a witch might lead to you believe that (way to be P.C. guys. Next thing you know you're gonna make a movie about a crazy guy who believes he's going to be killed by Israeli agents. DOH!)(Note: I know Brujah translates to witch, but it's a contextual thing) And the Coyote? Just got in the house and is eating off the table. The axe? She's cutting wood. All the creepy nighttime trees? Shot for the trailer. I don't remember seeing those at all. And being scared? Well, it's real world scared. It's daughter kidnapped scared. It's not supernatural scared. 'But what is the witch going to do to her daughter?' I know you're asking yourself. Selling her into slavery in Mexico. I shit you not.
Then what the hell IS this movie, anyway? It's a Lifetime movie of the week set in the old west. That's not being cruel this time. That's being straight up. It's a fucking Lifetime movie of the week. This Thanksgiving people are going to plunk down money to the sum of some $50 million to be scared and instead suffer through the trials and tribulations of a woman living in the old west. Sure there's some action, but not enough to even call this an action movie.
Cate Blanchett (pound for pound one of the best working actresses in Hollywood. Period.) stars as the nuked gay baby whale of the film, playing a woman whom the writer has lump feminist issue upon feminist issue upon feminist issue. Get this. She's a single mom. her husband ran off leaving her with her two kids. Not that this is bad enough, she's dealing with abandonment issues from her father running off from her mother to join a Native American tribe (Tommy Lee Jones). She's living in sin with one of her farmhands, but refuses to marry him (all those abandonment issues). And while she's a working woman (a 'healer') she's pretty much living hand to mouth. Not enough for ya? Hey, let's throw in the fact that she was raped and her oldest daughter is the product of that. Let's talk about the nightmares followed by leering at her daughter all day. Spite, bitterness, Love conflicting with rage. Wow. This woman is troubled. Now if this were the focus of the movie, I could see making a film about a woman dealing with one fucked up thing after another. But it's not. That's all backstory. BACKSTORY. We learn about all that in about as much time as it takes to take your seat in the theatre. We don't EXPERIENCE the pain and torment. No, to accomplish that we have to endure watching her go through the tedium of mundane, frontier life. No, she's not an extremely developed character, she's a cartoon.
The best way to describe this is to compare it to the opening scene in the film. Blanchett is sitting in an outhouse, reaches for some shredded newspaper and well...thank god they cut away. This movie, The Missing, is like wiping your ass with newspaper. It's needlessly rough, tedious, unpleasant and leaves you walking away with a feeling that you must have missed something.
And the worst part of this is, you're never actually given a reason to LIKE Blanchett's character. You're just supposed to because you're a sympathetic human being that understands that all this backstory would make you a hardened, bitchy, unlikable racist (oh yes, she hates her some Injuns). The fact that she loves her daughters, is shacking up with the stable boy and has gone through some rough shit doesn't make up for the fact that she's genuinely unlikable. There's no humor, no joy, no eccentricities that really make you feel for her. You don't hate her, per se, as you pretty much do her snot nosed punk of a daughter (played by Evan Rachel Wood), but you really can't like her either.
Now Tommy Lee Jones you can like. Kind of. He's the UNLIKABLE character that, well, just has so much character that you can't help but like him. He's made alot of mistakes, but he's owning up to them and Jones plays it to the hilt. Jones is a master of the quiet moment. He can do with just a few words what most actors would need a paragraph for. Take for example his role in Rolling Thunder. That great, tense scene when William Devane tells him that they're going to kill the men who ruined his life. What Jones does with his response, the simple "I'll get my bag." says everything. Here Howard knows enough to let Jones have a good half dozen of these quiet, perfect moments and he makes the most of it. Everything at all likable or enjoyable from this film comes out of Tommy Lee Jones. There's not a moment I can think of that I liked that didn't have Tommy Lee Jones all over it.
But not even Jones can save this from the stunning mediocrity of it all.
The cinematography on this is a joke. The first 20 minutes is shot from awkward angles and with strange objects in frame (like branches) covering the actors or the scenery for no apparent reason. I swear to god Salvatore Totino (who did great work on both Changing Lanes and Any Given Sunday) was either drunk or high when he shot these sequences, but thankfully it seems that Howard smacked him upside the noggin with a 'Cut that shit out!' and everything smoothes out. Of course, what Totino then does is fails to accomplish the basic staple of western cinematography, which is of course, to capture the majesty, the breadth and the sheer vastness of the open range. Instead, all of his establishing shots are claustrophobic and needlessly vague. We never get the idea of just where the hell we are. You get the distinct feeling that this was shot on somebody's ranch and if Totino pulls back just a little farther, you'll see power lines and a quickie mart. And what few action scenes there are get lost in the confusion of strange camera and editing choices. There's one chase sequence when the riders start having a fight among themselves and it's not until afterwards that you realize someone else has joined the chase.
This movie just pretty much fails to excite or deliver on anything promised with the trailers, the premise or the cast. It's bleak, lifeless and all in all, pretty damned boring. Of course with all of the promises, Ron Howard's name and a Thanksgiving opening, this things going to have a huge first weekend. It's just going to be all but forgotten by week two.
Pyul Mactackle
Like I said... these reviews were the work of an obviously grumpy man. Tis the season, man… here’s hoping Santa leaves you something you like before you flip out and hurt somebody.
"Moriarty" out.
