Father Geek here with our ace reporter Latauro's comprehensive interviews with the cast of the smash Aussie hit comedy, BAD EGGS... its a long one soooo I'll just bugger-off and leave you with it...

AICN-DOWNUNDER INTERVIEWS... Mick Molloy, Bob Franklin, Judith Lucy

Yes, I know most of you wouldn't have heard of these people. In fact, unless you live in Australia, there's a good chance you've never heard of the film BAD EGGS, let alone its three stars. And hopefully that will change.

This past weekend I attended the premiere of the film (look for my review in this weekend's regular AICN-D column) and was invited to speak with actors who fill the three main roles.

MICK MOLLOY & BOB FRANKLIN

Mick Molloy and Bob Franklin play the two protagonists of the piece; a couple of detectives for Victoria's Zero Tolerance Unit who accidentally expose massive corruption within the unit.

Molloy was a founding member of "The Late Show" (possibly the high point of Australian comedy - think "Saturday Night Live" if it were as funny as we all believe it is), alongside co-star Judith Lucy and writer/director Tony Martin. He and Martin then went on to host the most popular radio talk show Australia has seen in years, the aptly-titled "Martin/Molloy". Recently he's been right into the film biz, preceding BAD EGGS with the high-grossing comedy CRACKERJACK, which he also wrote.

Franklin first became popular on comedian Jimeoin's program (wait for it) "Jimeoin". Since then, he's been seen in much local product, including an appearance on Mick Molloy's short-lived chat show. It was the chemistry between Franklin and Molloy that gave Tony Martin the idea to pair them up in a buddy comedy.

Lat entered the hotel room wearing his trademark ultra-cool almost-a-fedora hat...

LATAURO: I'm sure you've both done a lot of interviews at this point...

MOLLOY: No, this is the first.

LATAURO: Well, I was going to ask how you thought this one was going so far. I have a desperate need for approval I thought I'd get out of the way.

FRANKLIN: You're going well.

MOLLOY: I reckon it's been a dream run so far.

LATAURO: Good, 'cos that's all I've got...

MOLLOY: Well, that was exhausting.

LATAURO: So it's a big film release tomorrow, obviously a lot of excitement. What do you think of TERMINATOR 3?

FRANKLIN: *I'll* be going to see it. I won't be in BAD EGGS.

MOLLOY: I hear TERMINATOR 3 just nudges us out in the effects department.

LATAURO: Just slightly.

MOLLOY: But I think Arnold Schwartzanegger's quietly shitting his pants. He's coming up against a couple of big guns.

LATAURO: I guess because of all the similarities between you guys. People might accidentally walk into BAD EGGS.

FRANKLIN: I think it could be a while before they realise they're in the wrong cinema. We've got Pete Smith [local TV voice over legend, best known for "Sale of the Century"]; he's close to an android.

LATAURO: It took a while for me to recognise him. You always hear the voice, but you never see him.

MOLLOY: You're just waiting for him to let rip with a huge "SAAAAALE...", and when he doesn't, it's a bit confusing.

LATAURO: I was watching something last night and he always talks over the end credits. I thought that would be a really good DVD commentary feature; just to have him announcing what's next.

FRANKLIN: That would have been a good idea, actually...

MOLLOY: Well, pitch it to Tony Martin. It's not too late.

LATAURO: Actually, speaking of Tony Martin, I thought I was going to be interviewing him. I've managed to transpose the questions I had prepared for him: er, what was it like directing Mick Molloy and Bob Franklin?

MOLLOY: Oh, it was a dream. Franklin was tough.

FRANKLIN: See, I can't answer that now. I'd be contradicting myself.

LATAURO: In what way?

FRANKLIN: Mick's already spoken for Tony.

MOLLOY: So how can Bob speak for Tony?

LATAURO: Yeah, that's true.

MOLLOY: You just didn't think this through.

LATAURO: I really didn't, no.

MOLLOY: You may as well just fill in your own answers as Tony.

LATAURO: Well, you're never going to read it, so I may as well just make it up...

MOLLOY: That's what they do on the internet anyway, isn't it? I could be in a chat room pretending to be Tony Martin.

LATAURO: (thinking back to the AICN chatroom) That does happen a lot, actually.

At this point, we're interrupted by the delivery of coffee.

MOLLOY: Yes please!

FRANKLIN: I hope this will all be included.

LATAURO: The coffee? Oh yeah, we love to put little anecdotes like that in.

MOLLOY: It's a bit rock'n'roll, I know... y'know, coffee...

LATAURO: This hotel room is surprisingly un-trashed. I'm a little disappointed.

MOLLOY: You know what it was? It was trashed when we got here; we actually tidied it up.

FRANKLIN: This is the *new* rock'n'roll.

MOLLOY: "We can't invite the guy from Ain't It Cool into this!" We had the vacuum cleaner out.

LATAURO: And also, Margaret Pomeranz is a bit of a neat freak. [Pomeranz is a local critic, and most vocal champion for the un-banning of KEN PARK.]

MOLLOY: Margaret Pomeranz came to our opening. She said, "Let them see it!"

LATAURO: I was there. It was all very exciting.

MOLLOY: I was pretty good, wasn't I?

LATAURO: You were terrific.

MOLLOY: Thank you. How was Bob?

LATAURO: He's got some game.

MOLLOY: He had it easier, in a way. I think that while I was lobbing them up, he was smashing them over the net. He had a lot of the easier laughs...

FRANKLIN: Mick was dead weight.

MOLLOY: I was doing all the heavy lifting. Not only was I amusing, I gave the whole thing some emotional depth.

FRANKLIN: You were the heart.

MOLLOY: That's right. And you were the lungs. In fact, you were quite a few vital organs.

LATAURO: I really don't want to know what Judith Lucy was...

FRANKLIN: The liver.

MOLLOY: A very sad liver! The only organ we had to get down to forensic. (A pause while everyone vocally expresses their mirth...) So the mood of the crowd was good Sunday night?

LATAURO: Yeah. Got a lot of laughs.

MOLLOY: Most of them intentional.

LATAURO: I was actually worried before the film started that I wasn't going to like it. I'd have to pan it and I'd never get invited to one of these again.

MOLLOY: This is a small town. Everyone knows everyone. So if you have a crack - and I'm not trying to intimidate you in any way - but, you know, people do go missing. Not just missing...

LATAURO: *Parts* of them go missing?

FRANKLIN: Your hat just taken off and stomped...

LATAURO: *Nobody* touches the hat. Okay, so most of our readers are of international ilk, and haven't heard the Brown Album (a best of Martin/Molloy CD), or seen "Jimeoin". What background would you give them?

FRANKLIN: Probably better off giving them a plane ticket.

MOLLOY: I'll send them my resume: "a middle-aged alcoholic with a history of attempting to make people laugh". That's probably it in a nutshell. That's what it'll say on my tombstone.

LATAURO: It's a good epitaph.

MOLLOY: It's not bad. Except it means I'm going to have to die shortly. I said "middle-aged".

FRANKLIN: That can be arranged.

MOLLOY: Ring room service. "Yes, I'd like to be whacked at four o'clock this afternoon."

LATAURO: I was just thinking about the banning of KEN PARK and BAISE MOI because of all the full frontal nudity and graphic sex scenes. I was a little disappointed there wasn't any of that in BAD EGGS.

FRANKLIN: Have you seen the cast of this film?

LATAURO: Not enough of them, that's the problem.

MOLLOY: They would have Margaret Pomeranz out there going "Please stop it. Please stop this one". No, I don't think there was any call for it.

FRANKLIN: We hark back to the films of the 50s, where all that sort of thing is hinted at.

LATAURO: That's good. It's classy.

FRANKLIN: Classy is the word.

MOLLOY: Keepin' it tidy.

FRANKLIN: I'd like to see "Classy" up there on the poster.

LATAURO: With your name underneath?

FRANKLIN: Absolutely.

MOLLOY: Or even put it in as part of your name. "Classy Bob Franklin", or "Bob 'Classy' Franklin". Here he comes. Hey everyone, Classy Bob!

LATAURO: Tony Martin obviously knows your style and knows your manner of speaking. It was really difficult to tell what was ad-libbed, if anything. Like, is there anything you really want to take credit for?

MOLLOY: Pretty much the whole thing.

FRANKLIN: Ninety-five per cent. The script was only three pages.

MOLLOY: We just said, "If you don't mind, we'd like to fleece this out a bit".

LATAURO: It could be like an Andy Warhol thing of someone sleeping for twelve hours.

MOLLOY: ...which is our next film, by the way. Yeah, we jus thought we'd let it roll, so it was a stream-of-consciousness triumph, I think.

LATAURO: Speaking of the next film, is there any plan for, like, a WORSE EGGS?

FRANKLIN: That's totally in Tony's hands.

LATAURO: You don't want to push for it? I mean, BAD BOYS II is coming out soon, you gotta give that a run for its money.

MOLLOY: BAD EGGS II? I don't know, we'd probably be asking for too much money.

FRANKLIN: I'd just be asking for *some* money...

MOLLOY: [Martin] didn't stitch us up for sequel rights. So basically, I doubt he could afford us now.

LATAURO: I gotta say, my favourite scene was probably the 80s flashback... no offence, Bob, 'cos you weren't in it.

FRANKLIN: Well, I've taken one.

LATAURO: How did that come about?

MOLLOY: (to Franklin) What have you been telling people?

FRANKLIN: It was shot in Yarraville, and it's still the 80s down there...

MOLLOY: Tony said you were trying to tell someone it was actually filmed in the 80s... He anticipated making the film one day, so we shot the scene in Yarraville in the 1980s.

LATAURO: That's a lot of forethought.

FRANKLIN: He thinks way ahead.

LATAURO: Well, if you *did* film it in the 80s, you've aged remarkably well.

MOLLOY: I've done all right, haven't I? You know what that comes from?

LATAURO: What?

MOLLOY: Good clean living. Look after yourself.

LATAURO: I will.

MOLLOY: Don't stay up late.

FRANKLIN: Mick Molloy's the doyen of good, clean living.

MOLLOY: Healthy Mick, Classy Bob. There you go.

LATAURO: Has there been any talk of an international release? Because it strikes me as having a lot of FULL MONTY-crossover potential.

FRANKLIN: There hasn't been any talk of a *national* release...

MOLLOY: Well, it probably would play better than most other Australian films because it has an established genre that seems to be quite popular. You know, stuff explodes. That's always popular on the international stage, I feel. So if you couple the genre with the explosions, I think there's a chance it just might be the next big thing.

FRANKLIN: We did say, didn't we, that was an international language: explosions.

MOLLOY: No subtitles required when you're blowing up stuff. There's sparks at one stage.

FRANKLIN: If sparks don't get people in, then you're in a lot of trouble.

MOLLOY: "If you see one films with sparks this year, make sure it's BAD EGGS..."

LATAURO: There's your poster quote right there.

MOLLOY: Exactly right. I'm still answering as Tony Martin, by the way.

LATAURO: I'll be sure to mention that. How much of the stunts were you guys?

FRANKLIN: Oh, it was all us.

LATAURO: I saw a clip this morning of you (Molloy) running headlong into something.

MOLLOY: Yeah, that was pretty tough at the time. There were a couple of stunt blokes from stunt school around, and we had a bit of a yak about my forward roll. There wasn't a lot of applause, but sort-of that nodding approval from all the other stunties. You did your own stunts, didn't you?

FRANKLIN: Yes. I did my own stunts. The stuntman was away living my life while I was away doing the film. He was in my house when I got home.

LATAURO: That's gotta be awkward.

FRANKLIN: Yeah, it was a bit unnerving. He's still there, as far as I know.

MOLLOY: We did a tumble at the service station. Was that us?

FRANKLIN: Yes, it was.

MOLLOY: I think we were in our caravan watching World Cup Soccer at the time.

FRANKLIN: I remember glancing out the window as they came jumping past, thinking, "I'll take credit for that."

LATAURO: It was only in thinking about it afterwards that I realised the film was about taking all those cop movie cliches and showing their ridiculous side. Like your obsession with the barrel. (In the film, the characters are told the typical tough guy story about their boss, who once put someone in a barrel and shoved them down several storeys of stairs. Bob Franklin's character can't understand why he'd have a barrel in his office.) Was that a conscious thing on set? Was Tony Martin saying, "Okay, this is the bit where we spoof this element of cop films" ?

FRANKLIN: Yeah, I guess he always set out to subvert recognisable things from cop films.

LATAURO: Were there any specific films you were lampooning?

FRANKLIN: Well, Tony's seen everything that's ever been made.

MOLLOY: And a couple that haven't been made.

FRANKLIN: They may be films that aren't that well known.

LATAURO: Oh, our readers know them all. It's frightening.

FRANKLIN: Good, I was just trying to cover for the fact that I couldn't answer that question!

MOLLOY: I think it's more not particular movies, but conventions from cop films. Like the explosion when two people jump in the air. The joke in this case is that it *doesn't* explode. So, I think littered throughout the film there are examples of "I've seen this a hundred times before, but I haven't... it's a joke on that."

FRANKLIN: I think it was trying to subvert those conventions and budgetary constraints. He was talking earlier about the runaway car. In a big budget film, it'd hit all sorts of things...

MOLLOY: ...hit an oil tanker and explode. In this case it was cheaper for it not to touch anything.

FRANKLIN: That was about twenty-seven days shooting. Rest of the film we wrapped up in about three.

LATAURO: Is it difficult being funny without audience feedback? Doing take after take with technicians who have heard it so many times already?

FRANKLIN: No, 'cos you're not playing it for comedy in the first place. It was all played straight. When you're dealing with uncertainty, it's always going to make it more effective by playing it as straight as possible. No one was looking for laughs... which is just as well, 'cos none came.

MOLLOY: Once you've got one in the can, you can try a couple of different ways of doing the same thing. So you've got options in the editing suite. You're not necessarily regurgitating what you've already done. There's a great story about the Marx Brothers. Before they made their comedy film they'd perform the whole thing live, take it on tour. I think it's in the Billy Wilder book, "Conversations with Billy Wilder". They'll go out and perform it a hundred times in front of a live audience and know where the laughs are. Know where to leave two seconds so the next line is heard, which is a fantastic way of approaching it, but you just can't do it anymore.

LATAURO: You can't take the car chase scene out on tour.

FRANKLIN: It would have been a hard thing, the live BAD EGGS. I'm surprised Tony didn't have a crack at doing it.

MOLLOY: If there was any way he could have, he would have.

LATAURO: There'll be a stage show next, I guarantee it. All films become stage shows.

MOLLOY: A musical? The theatre-restaurant version?

LATAURO: Yeah, with all Queen songs or something.

FRANKLIN: It practically writes itself.

LATAURO: So what's next, any more films? Any superhero franchises you've got your eyes on? 'Cos that's the next big thing.

FRANKLIN: Tell him about those action figures.

MOLLOY: I'd like to release an action figure of myself. A little doll of me that's like the Terminator doll, except mine pops its buttons. It's me in a cop uniform and its action trick is it takes someone's eye out by popping a button.

LATAURO: That'd be a big seller, I think.

MOLLOY: Doesn't sound like you're taking me seriously. (To Franklin) What does yours do?

FRANKLIN: I've been told with my hair this length and my stubble, I actually resemble Action Man to start with. So I could knock off some Action Man dolls and re-label them.

MOLLOY: Who said you look like Action Man?

FRANKLIN: I've been told that by a couple of people.

Mandy, the Village Roadshow rep, walks past, phone to her ear.

MOLLOY: Mandy, does he look like Action Man?

MANDY: Actually, you kind-of do, a little...

FRANKLIN: Thank you, Mandy.

MOLLOY: Hey, what do I look like?

MANDY: (After long pause) You look a little like Action Man...

MOLLOY: Ahhhhhh, safe.

FRANKLIN: That's why she's in PR.

MOLLOY: Anything there you can use?

LATAURO: I think I can cobble something together...

MOLLOY: Well done! Was it cool?

LATAURO: Very cool.

MOLLOY: Cool enough for Ain't It Cool?

LATAURO: A little too cool.

MOLLOY: Too cool for Ain't It Cool? Can you dag us up a bit?

LATAURO: I think I can do that.

FRANKLIN: You've got your work cut out.

And with that, the interview was over. I then ambled over to interview the female protagonist of the piece, Judith Lucy.

How to describe Judith Lucy? She is the comedienne for whom the word 'sardonic' was affectionately coined. She starred with Mick Molloy and Tony Martin in "The Late Show", and made many appearances on "Martin/Molloy". She also appeared in last year's CRACKERJACK, in which she also played Mick Molloy's love interest.

I've known someone who (much to my protests) claimed that women in general weren't funny. It was an argument that was quickly ended (in favour of women) by mentioning Lucy's name.

LATAURO: I should tell you that we internet journalists are really the bottom of the feeding pile...

LUCY: So I should just storm out? This is beneath me?

LATAURO: Well, just don't waste your good anecdotes on me.

LUCY: I've only got about two, and I've told those sixty-five times.

LATAURO: I know, I've been watching the interviews.

LUCY: Well, when you get asked the same questions...

LATAURO: I've refrained from the "So, what's going on with you and Mick Molloy?".

LUCY: Thank you so much, I can't even begin to tell you how happy that makes me.

LATAURO: Well, I was going to ask you about spot welding...

LUCY: Great!

LATAURO: I wanted to give you some variety.

LUCY: Don't know anything about it, but I'm happy to try.

LATAURO: Okay, we have a lot of international readers - it's actually a Texas-based website - so I'm going to ask you to-

LUCY: Explain who the hell I am?

LATAURO: Well yes, that, and explain the plot. And I should remind you that our demographic is somewhat obsessed with LORD OF THE RINGS, so any parallels you can contrive would surely work in your favour.

LUCY: Okay, well it's basically about police corruption in Melbourne... sorry, I'm trying to get Orcs and Hobbits in there somewhere, but it's a long bow I'm drawing there. When Tony's asked to describe what the movie's about, he pretty much just says it's a serious cop film that he's dropped some fools into. And I think that's it in a nutshell.

LATAURO: Well, that's the feeling I got when I saw it. I wanted to ask if you had any formal training as an actor.

LUCY: Isn't that glaringly obvious? And that answer to that is... NO! Well, it's actually pretty funny because there seems to be this misconception out there that I have had some training. That I went to the Academy of Performing Arts in Western Australia. That's what Mick told (director) Paul Maloney, and that's what helped me get CRACKERJACK. But no, that's a complete lie. What actually happened is I did two years of a BA...

LATAURO: They're useful for everything.

LUCY: Well, yes. I did major in Theatre Arts, but that didn't involve technical training as much as drinking a lot of bad wine and doing a lot of really embarrassing trust exercises which involve rolling over people. So that's about it, I'm afraid. I did always *want* to be an actor, though, but once NIDA and VCA laughed in my face... NIDA actually told me I needed to have an operation on my nose - seriously. So that whole experience was quite confidence boosting. But once they rejected me, I basically got into comedy... after the stellar career as a sandwich hand. Something I don't want to sound cocky about, something at which I'm quite skilled at to this day.

LATAURO: It's good to keep those skills.

LUCY: You never know when you might need them.

LATAURO: The reason I ask about the acting is your Australian accent is much more convincing than Meryl Streep's...

LUCY: It's taken a lot of work. I've worked with several coaches, and I think the results are really paying off. I can't seem to stop talking like this now.

LATAURO: I was thinking before about all the crossover between entertainment industries. You've got singers who become actors, models who becomes actors. Why do you think comedians are so much more successful at it? If, indeed, they are?

LUCY: Well, in terms of acting - let's face it - if I tried to branch out into a singing career, that'd be a mistake for all concerned. But I would tend to argue that it makes sense that comedians can act. Especially when it comes to comedy - it's really changed these past few years in Australia, and I hope it continues to change - that comedians are actually starting to act in comedies, which, funnily enough, makes a little bit of sense. And that's been going on in America for years, whereas in this country until not too long ago, it was like "Well, we've got a comedy, but we'd better get some actors to do it". Which is not to say that actors can't do comedy, but if there's one thing you have to master to be a decent comedian, it's timing. I think it makes a lot of sense. Frankly, if comedians can't do comedy we should all hang our boots up.

LATAURO: Well, some comedians *can't* do comedy. I won't name names, but... y'know...

LUCY: Once that tape is off, I'm going to demand to know those names.

LATAURO: Maybe.

LUCY: Sure, that's true, but there are so many comedians in BAD EGGS, but clearly aside from myself who I can't comment on, I think everyone's acting is great.

LATAURO: I'll concur with that. With the whole acting, the comic nuances, I heard Woody Allen puts all of his nervous coughs in the same place each time. It's not a tic; it's part of the comic timing.

LUCY: That's doesn't surprise me at all. I think one of the reasons Eric Bana is so fantastic in CHOPPER is that Chopper is a very funny role, and his timing in that was phenomenal.

LATAURO: I saw that recently, I was blown away by it.

LUCY: It's great. Believe me, I'm in no way trying to equate myself with Eric Bana, 'cos I think he's a great actor.

LATAURO: I'm waiting for everyone in America to discover Poida and all his old sketch comedy characters.

LUCY: They have! I was watching something the other day, an E! News, and I noticed they were showing some Poida clips from his "Full Frontal" days ("Full Frontal" was a sketch comedy show from a few years back that starred Eric Bana and Shaun Micallef, the latter of whom appears in BAD EGGS.) He's been sprung, I'm afraid.

LATAURO: But he's so serious in interviews.

LUCY: I know! I've only met Eric once, he's a lovely guy and I don't know anyone who says a bad word about him, but he's very intense when he's doing those interviews. I almost feel like yelling out, "Oh, throw a gag in!".

LATAURO: "Do an impression of someone!"

LUCY: Yes!

LATAURO: As I said to Mick Molloy and Bob Franklin, my favourite sequence was the 80s flashback.

LUCY: You're not the Lone Ranger there, I enjoyed that a lot myself. It was a fantasy come true. I was obsessed with Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" - hey, who wasn't? - I don't know whether it was the song that was the magic, or whether it was the film clip with the doves and the choir boys flying across the room with laser beams coming out of their eyes... I think Tony tried to re-create that as much as he could.

LATAURO: It was frighteningly spot-on.

LUCY: Lots of names have come up for the inspiration behind the mullet. PAT BENNITAH, but I think there's a bit of Sharon O'Neil in there. There's a bit of Chrissy Amphlet. There's a bit of Joan Jett.

LATAURO: It's a collage.

LUCY: It's a collage, it's an amalgam. But either way, it screams pure sex.

LATAURO: It does, it does. I had to put earplugs in at one point.

LUCY: I'm not surprised. I actually went out that night dressed like that, and gee, I met some unfortunate people.

LATAURO: A lot of flips in that scene. What was the ratio of you to stuntperson?

LUCY: This probably isn't going to work terribly well, because you can't actually see what I'm doing, but this is what I did...

Lucy lifts her hands up beside her head and does a small feign to the side.

LATAURO: I remember that shot.

LUCY: Then it was pretty much taken over by someone who feels a lot more secure in that area than I do. I would like to claim that was me, but I'm a comedian so I couldn't be bothered.

LATAURO: Mick and Bob claimed they did their own stunts.

LUCY: Well, you know... they're liars. I've worked with them, I know them, I can tell you: don't believe a word that comes out of either of their mouths.

LATAURO: There's another poster quote. We were trying to come up with them before.

LUCY: Ah, that's not bad.

LATAURO: The international poster, perhaps.

LUCY: God only knows what they'll make of us in any country outside of Australia.

LATAURO: I was saying I think it was a lot of crossover potential...

LUCY: Do you really?

LATAURO: Yes I do. And I don't say that a lot about Australian films, 'cos I think we've got a lot of the best actors in the world and the best directors, but we make some pretty bad films on the whole, which is surprising.

LUCY: I'm not going to argue with you there.

LATAURO: There is a very fine line between directing and sadism. How relevant were all those dancing sequences and shooting sequences? I mean, really.

LUCY: It's all part of the magic! That's the sort of stuff that makes the film. I certainly haven't seen that many cop films that end with a dance number.

LATAURO: It seemed he came up with those scenes to see if he could make you do them...

LUCY: Oh, certainly. Mick and I had to go to dance lessons, and sometimes we had to go to lessons after we'd been shooting all day and we'd be pretty rooted, basically. I remember being in the car going over to Tony Bartuccio's and Mick just going, "What's he got us doing this for? Doesn't he know we're just a couple of middle-aged alcoholics?". So there were moments where it was a little tricky. I don't think Tony meant it in a sadistic way, I think he just wanted the best for the movie.

LATAURO: Now, I realised this film is actually a remake of THE UNTOUCHABLES. That's what film academics love to do, say that films are always remakes of other films.

LUCY: Well, I'm just thinking outside of the Al Capone character not being there, and the baseball bat, and the BATTLESHIP POTEMPKIN-type scene, no, you're right. I don't recall there being any women in THE UNTOUCHABLES.

LATAURO: You'd obviously be Sean Connery.

LUCY: Oh, of course, right. So who's Kevin Costner?

LATAURO: Well, going by physical similarity alone...

LUCY: Whose career is about to go belly-up?

LATAURO: I was just about to name names, but-

LUCY: Now you've got to be careful!

LATAURO: I was watching "Rove" last night (a local chat show) and you mentioned something about-

LUCY: Pornography?

LATAURO: Yes, my ears always perk up at that word. I write for the internet, after all.

LUCY: Well, there we are.

LATAURO: You said you were wondering what your face had been doing for the past thirty-five years. What did you mean by that?

LUCY: I actually had this conversation with Bob Franklin, I was asking him how did he find it watching himself on the big screen. He doesn't find it as difficult as I do, I find it extremely odd watching myself. But I did, "Did you find that your face was doing things while you were acting or speaking that you simply had no idea you were doing?", and he was like, "Absolutely". Just expressions I never knew I had or did. Well, you know, obviously you've rehearsed things and gone over things in your head and you realise that your intention is not actually how it appears at all. So that's just a bit terrifying.

LATAURO: I'm surprised he said that, because he's quite stony-faced. It looks like there's a lot of effort involved in his facial expressions.

LUCY: But it's all relative, I suppose. A slight eyebrow raise for Bob might be a big deal.

LATAURO: Is acting something you're pursuing, or is it just your friends pressuring you to do it?

LUCY: There was no pressuring involved, I can assure you. Who'd be offered a feature film and say, "No, I don't think so. I've got some stand-up gigs in Geelong, I'd prefer to do those." No offence to Geelong, please go and see the film. As I say, I started off wanting to be an actor and I've wound up doing a couple of films, so I'd be more than open to offers. And I think you'll find that the majority of comedians are sluts; radio, television, film... we'll do anything, basically. Something I sincerely believe in this country is that the more strings you have to your bow, the better.

LATAURO: So is there going to be like a CHARLIE'S ANGELS-style film coming up?

LUCY: With Mick, Bob and I? Maybe those two in some midriff tops?

LATAURO: That's be frightening.

LUCY: That's be something to see. I'm very much hoping for TOMB RAIDER 3, that they give Angelina the heave-ho and they get me on board.

LATAURO: She's not very popular.

LUCY: She's not, and clearly my body is a lot more buffed than hers so I think I'm a shoe-in.

LATAURO: Absolutely. We could get an internet poll going. Our readers love polls, they'd sign up for anything. We could start that, no problem.

LUCY: Could you? I'm just going to leave that in your more-than-capable hands. When I get the part, I'll give you a cut.

LATAURO: Thank you. Is there any temptation to do your own film now?

LUCY: Someone just asked me that a moment ago, and I mentioned that seven or eight years ago I was given an advance to write a book. That advance is well and truly gone and the book is yet to appear. So, I'm not going to commit myself to writing of any kind, but you never know.

LATAURO: I've been watching a lot of interviews, and reading a lot of interviews - you've been in the press quite a bit...

LUCY: I feel like I should apologise. I'm sorry, that's not my fault.

LATAURO: That's okay, I'm part of the problem. I've noticed a surprising lack of amusing on-set anecdotes, but I don't know of a single film that hasn't had its share of disasters. So I'm just wondering, what is it you're hiding?

LUCY: I think we're just going to have to start making things up. When I think back to CRACKERJACK, the only thing that really happened is when we went to Corowa (in Northern Victoria) they found a dead body. Which clearly is just ripe for hilarious stories. That's the only zany thing that happened during CRACKERJACK, and hey, no one was murdered during the making of BAD EGGS, and I think that's probably a good thing.

LATAURO: Did Mick Molloy have a good alibi for the shoot?

LUCY: I don't know what you're implying.

LATAURO: No, absolutely nothing. I'll just let people extrapolate what they want from that.

LUCY: Fair enough.

And with that, the interview ended, leaving me with nothing but memories, a complimentary bottle of water, and a small Dictaphone tape I'd have to meticulously transcribe.

BAD EGGS is currently on wide release in Australia.

Latauro

downunder@aintitcool.com