Hi, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab...
I spoke earlier tonight with one of our regular chatters who actually saw the film with Mr. Beaks on Saturday, and she adored the movie. I have a feeling this is going to be very divisive (as it seems every single event film these days has become), with fans and non-fans insulting each other instead of just accepting that tastes differ. For now, this is the only other review I’ve gotten for FULL THROTTLE. Anyone out there see it who really dug what it was all about?
I'm back to review a new potential studio blockbuster... I was the one who gave a positive for T3 and then got called a studio plant. Well, rest easy fanboys and girls because this one's gonna get ugly and after you read my review there's no way you'll ever accuse me of being a plant. Well, maybe some of you will (like maybe for a rival studio maybe) but let me just break it down for you.
Right now I have a headache and can't sleep. So I have to rattle off these thoughts while they still percolate in my brain as attempt to fall asleep. You want to know why I'm tossing and turning? I have witnessed the horror... the horror...
CHARLIES ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE
Let me count the ways the movie sucks:
1. McG is the worst director to come out of the music video biz. PERIOD. Vid directors can be good - Mark Romenek, Spike Jonze. McG is on the other end of the spectrum. He personifies every shallow, dumb, loud, annoying, boring cliche about music-vid moviemaking, There is not an ounce of intellgence, an inch of substance, a shred of wit in this movie. Being fun is not good enough... McG is everything that Hollywood, and the new generation of "filmmakers" has become and that is 100% FLASH and it SUCKS!
2. CGI sucks. Let me repeat you propellerheads and nerds CGI FUCKING SUCKS. It is in every frame of this wretched waste of $100+ million "tentpole" and it renders the entire moviemaking process completely ireelvent. No explosions are real. No wire-fu is real. NOTHING AND NO ONE IN THIS FILM lives. Just fake-ass cartoon shit bouncing around with loud sound effects. Attention all CGI artists: please die now!!
3. MTV and commercials have ruined everything. No scene in this film sits still. Where as Michael Bay cuts fast to create a certain hyperkenetic effect (even if its annoying) there is a point. Here there is actually NO POINT for every entire thing that plays out. There are no scenes actually just hyped up MTV montages, goofing around, posing, dancing, costumes, T&A shots, bad CGI effects (slowing up and speeding down, 360 degree 3D shots - how original!!). There are literally 50 pop songs here (from the 1980s and 90's) all used to annoying effect. It is like watching VH1 with explosions.
4. LA sucks. How many times do we have to see surfing, motorcycles, classic cars, the Hollywood sign, Hollywood boulevard, the climax at a premier, in-jokes about blockbusters etc. etc. in a fucking movie. I live here and I am so sick of this bullshit. It was tired in Spielberg's 1942. And it is even more boring here with faux Hollywood sets, Gruamann's Chinese theater, etc. Just a waste of time and talents involved.
I can't even begin to tell you about a plot because it makes no sense. It is a complete afterthought. No it is not just dull and confusing (like Tomb Raider). There is actually no reason for it.
Okay, you're probably wondering if there is some eye candy to keep me awake? Three hot chicks in a movie, right? Yes, there is one redeeming feature and get ready to be surprised...
LUCY LIU. She is the only thing that gave me the slightest bit of a pulse while watching this disaster. She is completely radiant and "on" in every scene. She does the best ass-kicking. She looks like she's having fun. Cameron Diaz - off. Partying too hard, punching the clock on this one. She hitting the wall in the movie start department, bascially. I felt bad for her in the close-ups. The camera man should be fired! And Drew looks even worse...! I won't even go into it because I have too much respect for these women as actresses.
And poor Bernie Mac. Tries hard with the ad-libs but McG ruins every single one with his lame directing. Just set the camera on a tripod and let this guy do his thing..... but the soundtrack and edting is so annoying, so loud and full of 100 tracks of sound effects and 5.l dolby music you can't hear any of his brilliance. He is almost wasted save for one or two jokes that manage to claw their way to the top of this garbage pile.
"The enemy of art of the absence of limitations" said Orson Welles. This is a perfect example. The studio wrote a blank check on this one and it shows.
I don't even expect art... just please don't bore me. Don't annoy me. Don't scrape one giant piece of chalk across a blackboard for my $10.
Call me: McJEW
That’s one seriously hateful review. It’s like the movie killed his mother. Jeeeeez...
"Moriarty" out.
