Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.

Neill Cumpston is a slight bit excitable. This is the same guy who once proposed that BLADE II should be retitled BLADE FUCKIN’ 2! FUCK YEAH!! Now he’s had a chance to see X2, and his response was the following review and another proposed title change. Be careful, though... in his exuberance, Neil drops a few spoiler bombs along the way:

X2: X MEN KICKING YOU IN THE BALLS SO HARD THAT YOU PUKE ON YOUR BALLS AND ALSO YOUR ASS

I know this movie has another title but that’s what it should be called ‘cause this movie kicks balls/ass/both. THANK FUCK THE OSCARS ARE OVER! Bunch of films going, “Ewwh, please don’t hit me I’m so delicate and I’m made out of flower petals and also give me a reward”. And now this is the first one coming along going, “Get ready to have your balls kicked” and before you can say, “What’d you say?” it kicks you in the balls and eats out your girlfriend.

This one’s got Hannibal Lecter from the Manhunter of the Lambs film only now he’s this government bad-ass and he’s all, “I’m taking out the mutants” and holy shit he’s serious, ‘cuz you see him making all these mutants do evil shit, and meanwhile the good mutants at the Good Mutants School have to stop him, and they’re forced to team up with the evil mutants. So we get to see Rogue (hottie) and this Ice Dude (gay-looking, but Rogue seems to want to fuck him so what do I know?) and this Fire Kid who’s all three steps from going Columbine every second of his life and that boring Cyclops dick and showing-her-boobs-for-an-Oscar Storm and Mind Control Redhead and Wheelchair Charlie and finally Fuck Yeah Wolverine (which should be his official name) having to hook it up with Magnet-Gandalf and Rebecca Rojmin-Nudeass to take out the evil government dude. Whooba-dow!

Remember how the first film had all that Story (= for gays) in the first part, and you were like, “How ‘bout some ass-kicking already?” and then finally they got to it? Not this one. It’s like okay, there’s the credits, and now here’s the ass-kicking and it starts and doesn’t stop and you’re all like, “Pants, meet shit”.

MINOR SPOILERS:

There’s this new blue Christian German mutant called Nightcrawler that can zap in and out of existence, and at first you think he’s evil but then you find out the government dude was just controlling him. He almost kills the fucking president, and he’s all about to stab him but then he’s stopped and the audience is all bummed out, ‘cause stabbing a president = cool flick. Also, you see Wolverine naked for a few seconds and that blue chick naked a lot (not TECHNICALLY naked but it’s so easy to jerk off to her later when the DVD comes out).

MEDIUM SPOILERS:

There’s also a mutant called Hottie Asian, I think, but she’s got claws like Wolverine, and we find out where Wolverine got his claws, and they have a fight and the way Wolverine beats her you’re like, “That sort of sucks ‘cause I’d like to see her back” but sometimes cool characters gets Darth Mauled but that’s the breaks.

MAJOR SPOILERS:

Mind Control Redhead dies. Wolverine and Mystique almost make out. I shitted my pants during an explosion scene.

Okay, that’s it. I’m good until MATRIX 2: KINGDOM OF ASS-KICKING and HULK-MAN and I think there’s something coming out with a werewolf in it.

Neill Cumpston

4/22/03

God bless you, Neill. Now go take your Ritalin.

"Moriarty" out.