Father Geek here with a new report from Latauro, our Bushmaster-esque editor for AICN's regular late week Downunder-Outback-Kiwi column.

There was some trouble getting this week's edition thru heightened US customs to ol' Father Geek, our vaulted Homeland Security kept deleting it well "BEFORE" it could appear on my trusty Geek Headquarters monitor. I finally found one of Latauro's feeble dozen attempts to get thru to me near hopelessly tangled in the web of my workstation's mammoth deleted message file, a difficult task to say the least. (I get 1000+ E-mails a day) It was ensnared like all those screech'n house-cats in our Headquarters Compound's barbwire entrenchments, knotted pitifully together with thousands of spammed junk mail messages for International Lolitasites, Home Loans, Diet Plans, Direct Marketing Tools, Cuddly-Cute-Cozy-Coed-Cams, Tropic Inks, Cheap Airlines, Bigger Johnsons, Worm Immunity, Bored Housewife Lists, Anti-Spam Software, and a gross of winning Slots Sites... Well, you get the idea.

Any way it was rescued from the muck n mire by Father Geek, and it is now up here for all of your enlightenment and/or enjoyment, soooooo Latauro, you can grab a brew, kickback and throw another shrimp on the barbie.

I think Missy Elliot said it best when she proclaimed 'Is it worth it? Let me work it!'. Given I don't know what she's talking about, I'm only giving her the benefit of the doubt as to whether she said it best. Yes, it is with incomprehensible hip-pop inexplicably stuck on an endless loop in my head that I give you this week's glorious gilt-edged edition of the...

AICN-DOWNUNDER REPORT

Last week I gave you hope that there would be PETER PAN info leaking out onto my keyboard and into your hearts. Sources I have close to the production are walking the line between being fearful for their careers and loving the film in measurements of puppies and kittens; either way, it translates to they-ain't-giving-me-nought, which would make them not so much 'sources' as 'quiet people'.

But the ghost of J.M. Barrie doesn't close a door without opening Wendy Darling's window, and some other people close to the production have stepped forward. It's been an interesting few days, and I'd just submitted this very report to "Father Geek" (TM) when some more info came out. This is what they meant by 'hot off the presses'.

Read on, Macduff...

NEWS

* It's safe to assume that principal photography has wrapped, as the Saturday closest to the date you're reading this has played host to the PETER PAN wrap party. As has been widely reported, boychild Jeremy Sumpton (Pan) broke his foot on Superbowl weekend, pushing production back a month. Many of the ADs working on PAN had also worked on LOTR, so the crew of PAN enjoyed many a tale from the NZ shoot (all reports suggest Orlando Bloom is a total klutz... more as it comes to hand).

Okay, the paragraph above was all you were going to get until about ten minutes ago, when another email was thrust into my box...

I've bene Q-ing and A-ing with someone involved in the production (they didn't want me to reveal their gender, but I can tell you they're definitely MALE or FEMALE). Here's what they had to say.

I asked about the flying effects, how they looked, whether they were CGI or wires. The source said it's mostly wires, but there is some CGI being used. Mostly they said it looked 'awesome!'.

They went on to say that the film is deep. It's not being played as a kid's flick, not in the least bit HOOK-ish. It stays true to the JM Barrie story, and has its share of humour and drama. Everyone on set seems to believe that it will be 'IMPOSSIBLE for this film to sink'.

As for the kids, they're said to be perfect. They've gone to lengths to make sure there's 'no cute little muffin shit'. There's been much praise on set for the kids, particularly the four leads.

It may sound somewhat plant-ish, but I can tell you that most of the sources I've been attempting to bitch-slap for info have said 'no way' cos they all love the film too much. Everyone I've talked to involved in the production has had nothing but amazing things to say about the film. Oh, and if you want to check out some awesome screenshots, Garth Franklin's just posted four of 'em. Check out www.darkhorizons.com and gasp. (This report couldn't have been put together without the adorable wendy4eva, the most gorgeous cross-continental scooper to come my way.)

* But the "big" news this week has to be the uncomfirmed atheism-enforcing rumour of STREETFIGHTER 2. Despite his successful career as a guy with four silly names, Jean-Claude Van Damme is reportedly looking to reprise his role as the not-silly-at-all Colonel Guile. Stock standard rumour #1138 has jailbait songstress Holly Vallance taking over Cammy duties from Kylie Minogue. (It should be noted that the only person in the world excited by this news is AICN's chatroom stalwart Were_Smurf. That makes you and Jean-Claude, dude.)

* Queensland (the funny thing on top of Sydney) will play host to two feature films. The first is the already-announced RED DWARF movie which will lens there soon. The second, to my knowledge, has not been announced yet, and will cause something of a frenzy amongst those whose childhoods were peppered with the books. Yes, the film about everyone's favourite caddy nickname, BIGGLES, will also be shooting in the great north red. So far the only info I've been able to gather is that it's a pirate movie set partly in Papua New Guinea. Remember, you heard it here first.

* Local iconographer George Miller will helm animation HAPPY FEET, about the adventures of a young penguin in Antarctica. Lead penguin Mumble will have sporadic quacks provided by occasionally pint-sized Elijah Wood. Just so you know, this is the g.t. miller of MAD MAX and BABE: PIG IN THE CITY fame, not the George W. S. Miller of NEVERENDING STORY II and ANDRE infamy.

Speaking of Mad George, he hasn't given up on the New Adventures of Mel. MAD MAX 4, written by Miller, John Collee, Warren Coleman and Judy Morris, will go to cinemas in search of fuel at 2005 o'clock.

* Next month will see lensing begin on MISSING TOM, starring Colin Friels. The story concerns a man who has a nervous breakdown, drops out of his humdrum life and finds himself in an urban underworld. Twice-voted world's most livable city Melbourne will play host to the production, proving there's no better urban underworld in the southern hemisphere.

* Victorian College of the Arts graduate and international blonde promoter Robert Luketic will next be directing WIN A DATE WITH TAD HAMILTON! with Josh Duhamel as the Tadmeister and the recently-signed Nathan Lane as his agent.

* Fred Schepisi will direct HITCHES for the Macquarie Bank Group. MBG has announced a $51.4 million film and TV production slate, with HITCHES taking the largest bite of eleven million wing-wams.

Other productions funded by Macquarie include: YOU AND YOUR STUPID MATE (produced and directed by Marc Gracie), MONDO (directed by Jonathan Teplitzky, whose GETTING SQUARE will be released this September), THE EXTRA (starring comedian Jimeoin), and MOZART MAULERS (directed by John Polson). Polson is best-known for founding Tropfest, directing SIAM SUNSET and SWIMF@N, and for playing the outback-dwelling-cockney-mishmash Billy Baird in M:I-2.

* If you don't get excited by Bollywood musicals, then you live in a world of wrongness where being wrong is the norm. If you can't get enough of those bright colours and exciting dance numbers, you'll be pleased to hear that JANASHEEN (CLOSE TO HEART) has just completed a two-week shoot in Australia, spanning southern capital Melbourne, to popular train-stop Bacchus Marsh, to penguin reserve Phillip Island, up to Sydney's Waverly Cemetery. There had better be a dance number involving penguins, or this reporter won't be happy...

AWARDS AND FESTIVALS

MELBOURNE INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL July 23 to August 10

Okay, maybe I'm the only one who gets giddy with excitement over a good title sequence (as well as quasi-archaic vernacular like 'giddy'), but if I'm not those of you who have the means as well as the technology to rebuild him should rock on over to MIFF and empty your change purse over 'For Openers: the Art of Film Titles'. Short films seem to be at the forefront this year with a selection of shorts from 8 FEMMES director Francois Ozon, a selection of shorts from Canadian film maker Guy Maddin, and some reportedly cool shorts in the open category. Those who know me may be appropriately impressed that I managed to avoid innuendo subtle and otherwise whilst discussing shorts and open categories.

22ND HONG KONG FILM AWARDS

Australian wunderkind of photography Christopher Doyle picked up the cinematography kudos for his work on anticipated crouching martial arts flick HERO.

AUSTRALIAN SCREEN DIRECTORS AWARDS

This year's honourees included director Fred Schepisi (LAST ORDERS), John Guigan (the amazing LAWN DOGS), animator Yoram Gross (BLINKY BILL), and Oscar-nominated documentary maker David Bradbury (FRONT LINE).

AUSTRALIAN FILM TELEVISION AND RADIO SCHOOL GRADUATION CEREMONY

Well, a lot of people have spent the last few years slogging it out at one of the country's toughest courses, so this column should really belong to them. Unfortunately, we're going to ignore them and talk about producer John Maynard and cinematographer John Seale, who were given honourary degrees in recognition of their contributions to the film industry.

SMALL SCREEN BIG PICTURE May 7 to May 9

Hub of all things West Australian, Perth, will play host to the SSBP television conference this year. Keynote speakers include producers Alex Graham (WILDE) and Scott Buck (‘Six Feet Under’).

2003 MAFIA DOCUMENTARY AWARDS

On April 6, Best Film at the Mafia Awards went to BUSH BIKES, about a group of Central Australian kids who attempt to make their way to a waterhole for a swim.

BOX OFFICE

Though it didn’t scratch the top ten, the p.t.w.s. romcomdramthrillathon PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE did manage an average of nine large per screen; if you’re scratching your head over what to see this weekend, PUNCH is the pick of the bunch second week running.

Here's the winners...

1. NED KELLY
• 2. BRINGING DOWN THE HOUSE
• 3. DREAMCATCHER
• 4. WHAT A GIRL WANTS
• 5. DAREDEVIL

RELEASED THIS WEEK

Hoping that Australians know as much about Australian culture as Jerry Bruckheimer, local distributors will begin vomiting KANGAROO JACK onto local screens in the hope that Jerry O’Connell might rouse up some pity revenue. Local comedy FAT PIZZA promises to be as entertaining as the TV show upon which it is based, while Owen Wilson and Jackie Chan try to out-Anglais Rowan Atkinson...

Now in theaters...

• BUGS! IN 3D (IMAX only)
• CHAOS
• FAT PIZZA
• JOHNNY ENGLISH
• THE JUNGLE BOOK 2
• KANGAROO JACK
• SHANGHAI KNIGHTS

Until one of you bean hills walks into my gin joint, I’ll see you all in the week following this. Peace out.

Latauro

NEXT WEEK...?

- Gary Sweet acquiesces to internet petition demands and agrees to POLICE RESCUE: THE SEQUEL

- Wellington renamed ‘Jungle’ for one day to commemorate the historic cinema release of JUNGLE BOOK 2

- Oliver Stone and Baz Lurhmann to go head-to-head over respective films KOALA JACK and PLATYPUS JACK.