Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
Poor, poor Foywonder. He’s still just getting over PINOCCHIO, and now he’s already been kicked full force in the store by Jerry Bruckheimer with this alleged comedy. Mr. Beaks saw this a few days ago, but every time I call to ask him for a review, he just starts crying and drops the phone. So here’s The Foywonder to soak up the pain for you...
HEAVY SPOILER WARNING!!!
Wow! That’s all I can say after seeing KANGAROO JACK. The studio has taken a page from the M. Night Shyamalan school of marketing by making everyone think that this movie is some screwball comedy about a couple of dimwits running around the Australian Outback trying to catch this rapping kangaroo that swiped some money from them. You are wrong! It is so much more than that. Don’t believe me? Just listen to this synopsis including what they’re not telling you in the previews.
Jerry O’Connell and Anthony Anderson play life long best friends who met on the beach as children after O’Connell almost drowned and Anderson saved him. Now grown up, they’re both loveable losers. O’Connell’s stepfather is a ruthless New York mobster played by a Christopher Walken. O’Connell hates him because he’s a criminal but has no problem hanging out with Anderson who is a thief who likes to run from the law and commits several vehicular felonies in the process. The twosome inadvertently cost O’Connell’s mobbed up stepdad a lot of money. To make up for it, Walken orders them to hand deliver a brown envelope filled with $50,000 to a fellow in the Outback and ships them off to Australia ASAP.
While driving through the desert terrain and performing their rendition of Men At Work’s “Down Under,” they accidentally run down a kangaroo. While O’Connell is distraught over killing one of God’s creatures, Anderson thinks that putting his sports jacket and dark shades on the murdered marsupial and then taking snapshots with its dressed up corpse would make a great Christmas card photo. To their surprise, the kangaroo is not dead and suddenly hops away. To their horror, they realize that the envelope with the money was in the jacket’s pocket. They proceed to chase after the kangaroo but only succeed in wrecking their car.
In a nearby town, they call the guy they’re supposed to deliver the money to and inform him that they have a slight problem but will be there soon. He doesn’t believe them and then turns around and calls Walken who then sends one of his main goons to Australia to clean up this mess. The Australian baddie believe they’ve stolen his money and sets off on their trail. Anderson meets up with Estella Warren who plays this American grad student who works with endangered rabbits in the Outback and gets a tranquilizer gun from her. O’Connell and Anderson, determined to get the money and Anderson’s jacket back, hire an old drunk who runs a charter flight service to buzz bomb the Australian Outback in search of “Jackie No Legs,” the nickname they’ve given the kangaroo after some goomba back home, so that Anderson can shoot it with the tranquilizer gun. Things go badly and the plane crashes.
Trapped in the Outback, dying of thirst, and beginning to hallucinate, Warren shows up on a camel and rescues them. They bribe her to help them by offering to pay her $2,000 which is money she desperately needs due to lack of endangered Austalian rabbit protection funding. Their first attempt at capturing the kangaroo results in “Kangaroo Jack” giving O’Connell a vicious jumping kick to the face that knocks him silly and causes him to dream about the kangaroo talking and rapping while other kangaroos breakdance as money rains from the sky.
Okay, this is about as much of the movie that trailer gives away. Granted it had been really lame up until this point, but then it happens. It’s the second half of the film that has been kept top secret by the studio and I’ve got to tip my hat to them for keeping this top secret. This was such an unexpected turn of events. Are you ready because you’re not going to believe this?
On their second attempt to subdue the kangaroo while its drinking from a river, they succeed but rip the jacket pocket causing the envelope to fly out scattering money everywhere. Most of it ends up in the water and is ruined. O’Connell and Warren try to scoop up whatever money they can salvage. Just then, the Australian mobster named Mr. Smith shows up and flies into a rage about losing his money. Then the American mob guy Walken sent shows up with a couple of goons intent on killing them all, but the kangaroo heroically takes out the lot of them with a series of jumping front kicks.
Mr. Smith looks on dumbfounded at the badass marsupial and then strikes a deal with the three leads to make up for his lost money. As it turns out, Mr. Smith has ties to one of those big money, illegal, kickboxing tournaments that’s being held in Australia in a few days. You heard that correctly. Underground martial arts competitions just like the kumite in BLOODSPORT. The deal is this. They’ll enter the kangaroo in the tournament and split the $100,000 prize money 50/50 when he wins. All they need is $10,000 for the entry fee and luckily that’s exactly how much of the $50,000 they were able to salvage.
Next thing you know they’ve subdued the kangaroo and made their way to one of the seedier parts of Sydney, Australia where the tournament is going to be held. What follows is a 10-minute montage of them entering the kangaroo, renting a gym, and training the kangaroo in the various fighting arts all set to AC/DC music. Also, O’Connell and Warren begin a whirlwind romance.
Finally the day of the tournament arrives and everyone gathers in this seedy underground arena. The other fighters laugh hysterically at the sight of this kangaroo until it knocks out it’s first opponent with a single jumping kick. From there, the kangaroo continues to defeat each opponent in the same manner until reaching the finals where his opponent will be this undefeated Muy Thai kickboxer from Taiwan who got banned from professional fighting for intentionally trying to kill an opponent. The kickboxer’s money man has a lot of dough riding on his guy winning the tournament so he has some of his goons spike Jack’s water with knockout drugs causing him to pass out less than an hour before the finals.
When O’Connell suggests that they’ll have no choice but to forfeit Mr. Smith stops being nice to them and takes Warren hostage threatening to kill her if Jack doesn’t somehow win. O’Connell and Anderson form a desperate plan and the next thing you know O’Connell is dressed in a kangaroo costume and getting his ass kicked in the ring by the Muy Thai kickboxer. Anderson wants to throw in the towel but O’Connell keeps yelling at him not to or Mr. Smith, who has Warren at gunpoint in the back of the arena, will kill her.
Back in the locker room, the unconscious kangaroo has a dream in which the spirit of Bruce Lee visits him and gives him a pep talk about the art of fighting and the importance of family and friends. Lee then endows Jack with his aura and suddenly the kangaroo wakes up and takes off for the ring. Just as the kickboxer is about to deal O’Connell a fatal blow, Jack comes hopping down the aisle, leaps over the top rope, and begins beating the hell out of the guy MATRIX-style before finally finishing him off with MORTAL KOMBAT-style, mid-air multiple kicks. The crowd goes crazy. Mr. Smith releases Warren but gets his comeuppance at the hands of the angry money man’s goons. As Warren and O’Connell kiss, Anderson makes a comment about this being the start of something big.
Next thing you know we’ve fast-forwarded sometime later. We find out that O’Connell’s mobster step dad has been imprisoned and that he and Warren are now married and living in the Outback on the multi-acre estate that doubles as a sanctuary for the endangered rabbits. We then find out that they’re all stinking rich thanks to a certain kangaroo. Cut to a press conference where we see Anthony Anderson dressed to the nines with Don King-like hair standing next to the kangaroo which is now dressed like Keanu in THE MATRIX. Turns out he’s now acting as Jack’s promoter and the press conference is to hype a fight between Jack and Mike Tyson. We’re then shown doctored footage of the fight where the kangaroo kicks Tyson clean out of the ring. As the closing credits roll, we’re shown more fake footage, photos, magazine covers, and what not about how the fighting kangaroo has become an international sensation. The funniest highlights include footage of Jack beating the crap out of some guy in the UFC Octagon, wrestling with The Rock, beating up the Crocodile Hunter, a karate magazine cover hyping a new style of martial arts called Jeet Roo Do, and last, but certainly not least, a hilarious movie poster touting a new action film called HOPPING MAD starring Jack and Steven Seagal.
Okay, I’m lying! None of that “second half” happened! I made it all up! In fact, I made most of it up while watching the movie because I was so damn bored by this pathetic CADDYSHACK 2 level comedy! I sat there trying to come up with my own plot for a kangaroo comedy and I bet you, me, and anyone else could come up with better material than the writer’s of KANGAROO JACK did. Hell, seeing as how they ran it down with a car and it was now running around wearing a hooded coat, even having the kangaroo brandish a hook and kill people ala I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER would have been more amusing than the tripe that passes for entertainment in KANGAROO JACK. You ever heard a movie critic refer to a bad comedy as having “sitcom level” humor? Well, this one doesn’t even have jokes that reach “sitcom level.” There is absolutely no creativity or imagination in this movie whatsoever. It is completely by the numbers but unfortunately they’re negative numbers. This is just one of those movie where you wonder something this lame got greenlit.
You know how many times I laughed watching this thing? None! You know how many times I giggled? None! You know how many times I did as much as crack a smile? None! You know how many times I looked at my watch during the film? Seven! Even SCARY MOVIE 2 had a gag that made me laugh. Last time I saw a movie this unfunny was JERKY BOYS: THE MOVIE and that was one of the only three movies I ever walked out of. The only reason I didn’t walk out of this one is because after sitting through PINNOCHIO, KANGAROO JACK wasn’t nearly as painful to endure. It was just very lame. Very, very lame!
The original title of this movie was DOWN & UNDER but was obviously changed to KANGAROO JACK for marketing purposes. The kangaroo is really just a marketing ploy to lure kids into the theater. As a matter of fact, DOWN & UNDER was originally being touted as mob comedy and not as some SCOOBY DOO wannabe. The titular kangaroo only plays a small role in the film and probably has less screen time than the gopher in CADDYSHACK. It certainly was given less to do. In reality, the movie is really about my mortal enemy, Jerry O’Connell, aka the white Martin Laurence, and Anthony Anderson, aka the fat Martin Laurence, and their misadventures in New York and the Australian Outback while being chased by gangsters. One’s a grinning idiot and the other is an obnoxious loudmouth and neither are even the slightest bit funny.
The second half actually goes something like this. Grinning Idiot (O’Connell) and Obnoxious Loudmouth (Anderson) are led on a shenanigan laden kangaroo hunt by Eye Candy (Warren) while generic Australian and Brooklyn mobsters pursue them. Grinning Idiot starts romancing Eye Candy while she’s taking a PG rated waterfall shower and despite the fact that the two have shared little screen time and have zero romantic chemistry they begin making out until Obnoxious Loudmouth shows up and does something obnoxious. Generic Australian Bad Guy show ups and has his henchmen take Grinning Idiot and Obnoxious Loudmouth captive with plans to kill them while he takes Eye Candy hostage and forces her to help him capture Marketing Ploy (the kangaroo) and get his $50,000. Grinning Idiot and Obnoxious Loudmouth thwart the henchmen and rescue Eye Candy from Generic Australian Bad Guy just in time for Generic Brooklyn Bad Guy to show up. Everyone argues until the Marketing Ploy hops up and a scuffle breaks out. Marketing Ploy starts hopping away while Grinning Idiot, Obnoxious Loudmouth, and Eye Candy pursue it on camels. Generic Brooklyn Bad Guy knocks out the Generic Australian Bad Guy and joins the pursuit in his jeep. Marketing Ploy can barely out-hop the camels and jeep can barely catch up to the camels. Jeep crashes. Obnoxious Loudmouth catches up to Marketing Ploy and manages to snatch the money envelope. Obnoxious Loudmouth uses a camel and cliff to do his impression of Schwarzenegger in TRUE LIES when the horse threw him over the side of the roof to hang by a rope. Grinning Idiot saves Obnoxious Loudmouth just in time for Generic Brooklyn Bad Guy to hold them all at gunpoint. Generic Brooklyn Bad Guy reveals that the $50,000 was actually supposed to be payment for Generic Australian Bad Guy to kill Grinning Idiot and Obnoxious Loudmouth upon delivery. Just as Generic Brooklyn Bad Guy is about to shoot them, the FBI and Australian police show up to save the day because they’ve had surveillance on the situation from the beginning. Grinning Idiot and Obnoxious Loudmouth declare their platonic love for one another. Grinning Idiot and Eye Candy declare their non-platonic love for one another. Marketing Ploy shows up with his wife and kid and Grinning Idiot retrieves Obnoxious Loudmouth’s jacket and then gets another vicious jumping kick to the face this time from the little joey. Fast-forward an unspecified amount of time to an extravagant yacht where Grinning Idiot explains via voiceover that his step dad is now in prison. Also, they are all filthy rich because they used the $50,000 to start a shampoo company using these aromatic berries found in the Australian Outback and their shampoo is now the most popular in the world. If that wasn’t enough bile for you to choke on, he and Eye Candy got married. Obnoxious Loudmouth does one last obnoxious thing and the movie fades to black. It’s not over yet though because Marketing Ploy pops on-screen bemoaning the fact that the movie is named after him so he should end the movie and proceeds to do a series of unfunny impersonations of such recognizable voices like Dr. Evil and Porky Pig. Fade to black. The End.
Sounds lame, huh? What’s that? But did anything funny happen you ask? What about the jokes? Oh, you mean like the way Australians make fun of how Brooklyn mobsters talk and vice versa? That’s comedic irony, you know? Can’t forget the scene where Anthony Anderson gets ants in his pants and has to strip down to his underwear while screaming hysterically. I thank God for the PG rating otherwise I suspect they’d have had him strip bare ass naked for a more “comedic effect.” You want funny? How about Jerry O’Connell hallucinating and thinking that a rock is a Slurpee and then he tries to drink it? Are you laughing yet? What about the antics of a CGI kangaroo eating a Twizzler? Funny stuff, huh? Or how about when the CGI kangaroo eats one of those fireball jawbreakers and begins jumping around wildly? Why aren’t you laughing? Did I neglect to mention that O’Connell’s character is a hairdresser who went to beauty school and is constantly being teased about it? Funny, no? Laugh! Laugh! Laugh, damn you!
A perfect example of just how inept the humor is comes when Anthony Anderson gets the tranquilizer gun and explains in step-by-step detail the effects the tranquilizer dart will have on it’s target. You just know that dart is going to end up in someone other than the kangaroo and sure enough it does and when it does Anderson spends the entire scene once again explaining the step-by-step details of how the dart is going to effect the guy just in case the audience wasn’t paying attention. If you have to explain the sight gag twice then it clearly wasn’t going to be funny in the first place.
I have a question. Why do so many African American comedians think that yelling their lines will make them funnier? Anthony Anderson yells damn near every line of dialogue he has and even when he doesn’t he still says it in a manner that seems as if he’s trying to force the material to be funny even when its not supposed to be. I swear, ACE VENTURA: PET DETECTIVE has ruined movie comedies for generations to come. The man is just completely grating on the eardrums in this movie. The only laughs Anderson gets aren’t in the movie but come from a quote he said in an interview regarding co-star Estella Warren. “She can't act her way out of a paper bag and I'll say that!" That’s a bold statement coming from a guy whose most noteworthy movie roles consist of playing the wise-cracking black guy in ROMEO MUST DIE, the wise-cracking black guy in EXIT WOUNDS, the wise-cracking black guy in TWO CAN PLAY THAT GAME, and one of the three wise-cracking black guys in ME, MYSELF, & IRENE. Next thing you know he’s going to call Camryn Manheim fat. At least what Warren does in this movie is an attempt at acting and not just mugging for the camera.
As for Estella Warren, she has entered the same territory as Shannon Elizabeth and Jamie Pressly where she isn’t so much an actress playing a part as she is a talking prop. She’s eye candy and that’s it. Her part really isn’t even needed, but I guess Jerry O’Connell has to make out with somebody and Anthony Anderson said no. After experiencing that romantic moonlit waterfall scene with her and O’Connell, I think I must agree with what Anderson said. That scene wasn’t just bad, it was downright painful and O’Connell didn’t do much better in it either.
I don’t know what Hollywood sees in Jerry O’Connell. He’s too handsome to play a dork but he’s too much of a dork to play a leading man. He’s like the lovechild that Josh Hartnett and Carrot Top never had. If Hollywood insists on putting Jerry O’Connell in the movies can they at least keep him away from comedies? The guy simply has no comedic timing whatsoever and his Ben Stiller wannabe shtick has long worn out it’s welcome. He’s just an annoying poseur who you want to give a wedgie to and then dunk his head in a toilet and in KANGAROO JACK Jerry O’Connell is at his most Jerry O’Connellest.
Not since Cuba Gooding Jr. and Skeet Ulrich in CHILL FACTOR has such an annoying and unfunny black/white comedy duo soiled the silver screen. A movie like this shows you exactly what’s wrong with comedies these days. Think back to some of the great comedy duos in movie history like Abbott & Costello, Laurel & Hardy, and Martin & Lewis. One guy was the clown and the other was the straight man. They both managed to gets laughs in their own way and, in particularly, by playing off of one another. They’re supposed to compliment each other. These days you got movies like KANGAROO JACK and the upcoming NATIONAL SECURITY where the comedy duo consists of two annoying clowns who seem to be trying to one up the other rather than play off one another. Now everybody wants to be Costello. Sure, you could have resurrected Charlie Chaplin and Peter Sellers, put them in this film, and even they still wouldn’t have been able to do anything with this material. But I bet they wouldn’t have been nearly as hard to watch while they try desperately to squeeze every last drop of humor out of a humorless script. Instead we have two guys who actually make Martin Laurence’s comic performances seem nuanced by comparison.
And what in the bloody hell is Christopher Walken doing in this movie even if he is only in it for all of 5 minutes? He only has one moment that’s even supposed to be humorous, but it isn’t, and the rest of his appearance he just talks like a typical movie mobster. THE COUNTRY BEARS, now KANGAROO JACK, and HELLDORADO to come, has Walken just given up on his acting career altogether and just decided to go for the easy paycheck? Even more puzzling is that Jerry Bruckheimer produced KANGAROO JACK? Say what you will about Mr. Bruckheimer, at least you can usually watch his films and understand what he saw in them in the first place. This movie…there’s just nothing besides the computer generated kangaroo that plays a bit part. Who the hell sold him on this project? Did he honestly think this script was funny? Bruckheimer needs to stick to blowing things up and having half-naked girls dancing on bar tops and leave the comedy genre to others.
Much to my shock and horror, the sneak preview I saw of KANGAROO JACK was damn near sold out so I guess that SNOW DOG’s style bait and switch advertising campaign worked. Then again, I saw DUNGEONS & DRAGONS: THE MOVIE in a packed theater too and we all know how that turned out. For the first half-hour, before the kangaroo showed up, the packed theater was dead silent. Then the only laughter I heard came from small kids every now and then. Considering the fact that they were giggling at things like a car hitting a newspaper stand sending paper flying everywhere I'd reckon these kids could have been just as entertained by somebody standing in front of the blank movie screen doing shadow puppets for an hour and a half. The kangaroo’s antics seemed to amuse the kiddies but even then there still wasn’t much in the way of uproarious laughter like you’d expect from a packed theater watching a comedy. There was a scene involving camel farting that got the only big laugh from the audience (including the adults) although I don't know why because it simply was not funny. Bodily functions aren’t unto themselves funny to me.
I suppose small children (3rd graders and under) might be entertained by KANGAROO JACK but adults are going to be bored silly. The woman next to me looked like she was trying to take a nap while her kids watched the movie. Although, there was also this one middle-aged woman sitting alone in front of me who reacted to a fat guy doing a cannonball into a pool of water as if it were the funniest thing she’d ever seen. She also laughed heartily at a couple of other scenes where her laughter was the only sound being made by the audience. I actually found myself more amused listening to her laugh at things that nobody else was.
To sum it up, unless you have very young children who insist on you taking them to see it or have simply never seen a moving picture before you're better of skipping this one altogether. Otherwise, you will “roo” the day you saw KANGAROO JACK! Ha! I made a funny! Laugh! Laugh, damn you! Hey, that bad pun was as funny as anything you’ll find in this time waster masquerading as a movie. The only positive thing I can say about KANGAROO JACK is that at least when the kangaroo did speak it didn’t have the voice of Breckin Meyer.
The Foywonder
Not even on a bet. Not even if I got paid.
"Moriarty" out.
