Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.

Must see. Must see. Hate this person. Must see. All karmic good must come to me. NOW!!

Hey Harry & Drew and Mr. Knowles (that would be Knowles Sr.),

Don’t ask me how but this past weekend I got a sneak peak at what will presumably be the just-under-two-minute trailer/teaser for KILL BILL. I don’t know if you’re interested in this type of thing (the only teaser/footage I can remember AICN posting were the 40 minutes for LOTR) but if you’re interested in the blow-by-blow I’ve provided it below.

If you do wind up posting this just call me ‘The Torso of Alfredo Garcia’.

Now onto the trailer…

It opens with a shot of an airplane flying overhead. Then the music kicks in (wish I could tell you where it’s from because it does ad quite a bit to the kick-ass nature of the whole thing). Screen goes black and in big, red block letters it reads "MIRAMAX FILMS PRESENTS". Fade out. "THE 4TH FILM". Fade out. "BY QUENTIN TARINTINO". Fade out. Then you hear Quentin say "Action!" in the background as a figure wearing motorcycle leathers opens a car trunk. Quick cut to Lucy Liu walking down a hallway with what looks to be her badass entourage behind her (including pre-teen girls in sailor outfits). Cut to Uma on the back of a motorcycle riding through the streets of Japan/China. Cut to an extremely brief shot from some sort of soirée. Cut to Uma, with her back to the camera, sitting at a bar. Another card comes up; it reads: "UMA THURMAN".

Now come the goodies. We cut to Uma in her yellow Game of Death Jumpsuit defending herself form a middle-aged Bald guy dressed in black with a mask (like the one worn by Jet Li in "BLACK MASK") wielding a katanna in each hand. Cut to an extremely close-up of a sword/katanna being unsheathed. Cut to a stare down between a bloodied-looking Uma and Lucy Liu , who is looking mighty virginal in white while snow is falling all around. Cut to a bald black guy dressed in maroon doing some might fancy sword work. Cut to a dirty-faced Uma punching some lady (Daryl Hannah?) who’s coming at her with a staff. Cut to Uma, now in street clothes, fighting a different woman who is coming at her with a frying pan in a kitchen. Cut to a black and white shot of Uma with splotches of blood on her face looking…Shocked, Scared, Confused? Can’t really tell without context. Cut to a limo surrounded (protected?) on all sides by motorcycle escort. Cut to Darryl Hannah walking down a hospital corridor (now with eyepatch!) in a stylish white leather trenchcoat. Cut to one of those pre-teen sailor dress-wearing girls using a bolo. Cut to Uma doing a backflip to avoid the bolos; the harness work here is extremely obvious so I can only hope this is a training scene of some sort. Cut to a montage of Uma’s enemies: A woman I don’t recognize, Daryl Hannah, Lucy Liu, and finally Michael Madsen. Cut to our first and only glimpse of David Carradine as he simply turns to the camera and gives a penetrating stare. Cut to a martial arts sequence in a small village between Uma and an old master-type guy with a long white beard; the scene ends with the master literally standing on the edge of Uma’s blade and then doing a back flip (and kicking Uma in the face). Cut to Lucy Liu in a dojo; she shouts something that quickly rallies the troops and in no time at all Uma, who’s Game of Death jumpsuit is looking bloodier than ever, is surrounded on all sides. Now comes the best shot of the whole damn teaser/trailer, the thing that just makes you go "holy shit!", you know?

We get a crane shot. It starts at eye level on Uma and it slowly raises to the rafters so that we can see that there are something like 25 bad guys surrounding her, all with swords drawn. Uma then raises her sword, indicating she’s ready for’em. Pause. She makes one tiny, defiant movement and (now back to the crane shot where we can see everyone from above) the whole circle of bad guys literally take a synchronized, fearful step back. It’s sooooooo cool. Anyway, moving on…the screen goes black and once again we get big, red block letters but this time they read: "IN THE YEAR". Fade out to someone with blonde hair (pretty sure it’s Hannah again) doing a flying kick. Cut to: "2003". Fade out to an axe flung end over end that whizzes by Uma’s head. Cut to: "UMA THURMAN". Fade out to Uma doing some sort of flip. "WILL". Fade out to more martial art swordplay but now in silhouette. Cut to: "KILL BILL". Fade out to a profile shot of Lucy Liu; she says, "You didn’t think it was going to be that easy, did you?" It then cuts to a profile shot of Uma who responds with, "You know…for a second there, I kind of did." And for the last shot we cut to Uma running up the banister of a staircase to intercept a bad guy with her sword.

End of (one fan-fucking-tastic) trailer .

I have to go change my pants. This trailer can’t play theaters soon enough. Hopefully that bit at the end suggests that we’ll see it by year’s end. God... I hope so...

"Moriarty" out.